Humor Thread

[redpaint]

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!”

 

[redpaint]

Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins — great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer. To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore.

When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, “Professional courtesy.”

 

[redpaint]

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.
The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President,
who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending,
a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

-The stamp is in perfect order.
-There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
-People are spitting on the wrong side.

 

[redpaint]

Original ad:
I bought this GE refrigerator a few years ago, but just got a new one for my kitchen and no longer need it. It still works perfectly and is very large, perfect as your main fridge for a kitchen. I'm asking $300 for it. I am located in Brooklyn, but will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mike Partlow to ************@**********.org

Hello,

I am very interested in your fridge. Is it still available? If so, how much would you charge to deliver it to my place in the city?

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

Yes mike it is still available. I will deliver it for an extra $50. where is your place located?

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

I want it delivered to my office on the 67th floor of the ********* Building on **rd st and **********. Now I am pretty sure that the fridge won't fit in the elevator, and if it does, it would exceed the weight capacity, so you will have to carry it up the stairs. I hope this won't be a problem.

When can you deliver it? I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and can be there any time. I do need it sooner rather than later, however.

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

that is absurd. Im not going to heave this very heavy fridge up 67 flights of stairs. Dosent your building have a cargo/utility elevator?

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option.

From marty ******* to Me

absolutely not. do you have any idea how heavy this thing is? why do you even need a full size fridge in your office? just buy one of those small mini fridges.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty,

You are obviously not a very good salesman if you are trying to suggest I buy something else instead of your product. How is that working out for you? Do you make a lot of money that way?

Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot afford rent in my apartment anymore and am slowly trying to move into my office so I can live out of there. I plan on disguising the fridge as a filing cabinet so my company will not get suspicious. If anyone asks you what you are doing when you are moving it into my office, just tell them that you are delivering my new filing cabinet. Try to tuck the power cord under the fridge so they don't realize that it is actually a fridge.

How does next Tuesday work? I am free all day.

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

mike I don't think you understood me. I am NOT delivering the fridge to your office. it's way too big and heavy, and I doubt you will find anyone willing to carry it up to the 67th floor.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty,

I'm sorry, I must have misread your ad. I could have sworn it said "will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee." Am I crazy, or did your ad say that?

I don't recall it saying "will be willing to deliver it as long as your building isn't too big and scary for my weak little body to carry it."

From marty ******* to Me

Hey listen asshole. You are a Fuckin idiot if you honestly think somebody will do this. It has nothing to do with strength it is just an insane request. the only way you will get a fucking fridge up there is with an elevator. fuck off.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this.

Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade.

So see you Tuesday?

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

shut the fuck up.

 

[DG Hear]

Thanks for posting everyone. Some cute and funny stuff. Welcome back Red! Handly, cool hospital stuff, Safe bet, I answered the questions, I still like myself, thanks for contributing to the thread, Crude, you still are my friend.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Might have had this before but really don't care
DG

Farm Help

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

 

[DG Hear]

Not sure if I posted this one. I just received it again.
DG


The Ten Commandments

Some people have trouble with all those 'shall's'

and 'shall not's in the Ten Commandments .

Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms.

So, in middle Tennessee they translated the

'King James' into 'Jackson County ' language.....

no joke,

It's posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro , TN. :

(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'

(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

(AMEN) Tha was from me DG

 

[redpaint]

Thanks DG I hadn't felt funny for sometime. Things are looking better once again time to let the jokes fly.

 

[redpaint]

You know your brother in law is a redneck when you go to his house to visit and he pulls his riding lawnmower out from behind the house and he shows you the added features he has put on it.

* Am/Fm cassette radio
* A bucket seat that he took out of the wrecked truck in the corn field.
* The cup holder he installed.(To hold his beer can)
The spot light, to look for deer while mowing at night.
* And finally, the alarm system he took off his truck because he is afraid that someone might steal it.

 

[redpaint]

In the back woods of Kentucky, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

 

[redpaint]

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

 

[redpaint]

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor, and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked her gas meter.

When they had finished the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. The co-worker accepted the challenge. As they approached the truck in full stride, the two men realized that the lady from the kitchen window was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped in their tracks and asked the woman why she was running behind them.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "I'm not stupid... when I see two gas men running that fast, I figure I'd better run too!"

 

[Crudebug]

It was funny Crude, I got bored with her awhile back myself. Only so much you can do with a moron. Glad someone else took up the flag.

rrrrotflmao... hope the pole is well and deeply planted in her valley...
Now to conquer her peaks and tweak her short temper a lil more..
I got a lot of practice pissing off cranky crones..
Take a ringside seat.. and let the drums rrrrrrrrrrrroll

 

[Crudebug]

Okay, in the interest of diversity (of which I know you are a BIG fan ) let's include some slightly different jokes...

HOMOPHOBIC QUESTIONNAIRE

>>>>>>
19. Seeing as how God make homosexuals, don't you think it is wrong to insult, disparage and make fun of their orientation?

20. What does the verse from John 4:20 say about homophobes? "If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen."


Yeah, I didn't find this very funny either...

God must be homosexual...
Never heard of him and mrs god making lil baby gods..
And come to think of it.. as mentioned in one of my posts on quotes...
How come there is a debate on whether god is a man or woman but the gender of the devil is never challenged... lol..

Funny thing .. In scriptures and depictions ANGELS are all men..
I bet there are no women in heaven..
The devil takes them all to hell which is why I wanna go there too...
lmao
Maybe Cloudy ain't gonna be in the clouds either and I bet she'll give me HELL down there for yanking her curls...

 

[Crudebug]

Thanks for posting everyone. Some cute and funny stuff. Welcome back Red! Handly, cool hospital stuff, Safe bet, I answered the questions, I still like myself, thanks for contributing to the thread, Crude, you still are my friend.
DG

Whaddya mean ... STILL!!!?!?!?!?!

 

[Crudebug]

There lurks a cranky crone called Cloudy,
Whose bitter mood is often sour or dowdy,
She rants and raves,
But secretly craves,
To read DG’s posts, but never says Howdy!

 

[Safe_Bet]

rrrrotflmao... hope the pole is well and deeply planted in her valley...
Now to conquer her peaks and tweak her short temper a lil more..
I got a lot of practice pissing off cranky crones..
Take a ringside seat.. and let the drums rrrrrrrrrrrroll

There lurks a cranky crone called Cloudy,
Whose bitter mood is often sour or dowdy,
She rants and raves,
But secretly craves,
To read DG’s posts, but never says Howdy!

Jesus fucking christ but you are one of the most immature assholes in this forum. Your juvenile "text speak" is pretty damn annoying, as well.

Its obnoxious little punks like you that are making real writers leave this forum. Have you EVER written anything? If not, kindly go back to the GB where you came from instead of dragging this forum down to its level.

 

[DG Hear]

I don't kno why, but I found this funny.
DG

The Man With One Brain
Did you hear about the man that was born with both sexes?

He had a dick and a brain!

 

[Crudebug]

Jesus fucking christ but you are one of the most immature assholes in this forum. Your juvenile "text speak" is pretty damn annoying, as well.

Its obnoxious little punks like you that are making real writers leave this forum. Have you EVER written anything? If not, kindly go back to the GB where you came from instead of dragging this forum down to its level.

tsk tsk.. nice to know you can grade assholes.. I must presume it is Safe Bet to say you are a Mature Asshole..
Come to think of it.. mature assholes find it difficult to be retentive... lol lol
Wow... I did not know I has so much strength to drag forums down.. Jeez.. Samson must be turning in his grave..
I may be an immature asshole,, but it is interesting to learn that matures ones can solemnly declare that jesus is fucking christ.. must have been a heck of a schizophrenic orgy..
Now that I have triggered and exodus of Real Writers.. we can now get down to reading the surreal posts of the remaining unreal writers..
Do you wanna wager that it is a Safe Bet to say that all bets are off now.. rotflmao..
whatsa matter sweetie?.. drenched by a cloudburst?
did ya think that one can berate and the rest will sit quiet?
I did not start the name calling..
When the cloud clears.. am sure the forum will see sunny skies..
If abuses keep raining.. well,.. expect rough and stormy weather..
We were jesting around and a couple of posts expressing distaste are fine..
But I kept seeing incessant badgering which even caused the author of this thread to quit posting for a while..
Get real.. check out whose driving out people from posting..
Stop the ranting, I'll quit chanting...
I suppose that is a fair quid pro quo...

 

[Crudebug]

I don't kno why, but I found this funny.
DG

The Man With One Brain
Did you hear about the man that was born with both sexes?

He had a dick and a brain!

Better not circumcise the residue of masculinity. lol

 

[DG Hear]

Learning Animals

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?"

A little girl raised her hand.

"Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?"

"It's a cow, teacher."

"Very good, Janie," said the teacher.

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?"

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"

 

[DG Hear]

Free Tattoo

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says "I'll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it."

The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants.
Two, I like to watch my money grow,
and Three, I want to see how fast my wife can blow a $100.

 

[Crudebug]

Dangerous Moves

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on the man’s shins.
He asked, “Do you play hockey, rugby, or any physical sport?”
“No. I just play bridge with my wife.”

 

[DG Hear]

Just thinking....

Did you consider that President Obama
probably signed his stimulus package at the
same desk where President Clinton got his
package stimulated?

 

[DG Hear]

John Smith

A woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago." Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"
"John Smith," replies the woman.

"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"

The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."

"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Whirling John Smith!"