Humor Thread

[JackLuis]

Bus Load of Politicians!!

Bus Load of Politicians!!

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'Were they all dead?'

The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't.............but you know how them bastards lie!'

 

[DG Hear]

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)

These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1.. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1... Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1.. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials...

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we..

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

[DG Hear]

OK, I'm not the brightest crayon in the box but I haven't been able to figure this one out yet.

Click on the site and follow the instructions.

http://www.regiftable.com/RegiftingRobinPopUp.html

For those of you who have tried it, here is how it is done.


No matter what 2 digit number you pick, if you subtract the 2 digits from your original number, it will be a multiple of 9. So all multiples of 9 have the same gift, whether it be cuff links, or a box of chocolates. each time you play the game the multiples of 9 will change the gift so it looks like she's guessing your number. so 9, 18, 27, 36, 45, etc. will be the only numbers you come up with no matter what original 2 digit number you pick, get it?

Hope you had fun with it.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now ! ! !'

SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

 

[DG Hear]

Murphy's Sex Laws

I came across these murphy's sex laws. There are 60 in all. I'll post 15 at a time. Can't say I agree with all of them.
DG

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

 

[Crudebug]

lmao... knew there was a tirck.. but would have never figured it out...
thanks for the explanation..
lol.. always feel dumber... when playing pick any number...

bartenders make good shrinks and great drinks..
all we need to do it change those bar stools for couches...
good one.. gonna tell my shrink friends that joke...

 

[Crudebug]

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, “Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place.
The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”
The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”

 

[DG Hear]

For you, Gorgeous!

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/darling.gif




Today is National 'HOLY CRAP YOU'RE HOT DAY!'
Send this to someone gorgeous, but not me,
I've been getting this darn message all day!!!

 

[DG Hear]

Murphy's Sex Laws

more laws 16 through 30

16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
30. Love is a hole in the heart.

 

[DG Hear]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennessians and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore:

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6.. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

 

[JackLuis]

This makes you think?

"We present 20 of the most ridiculous complaints made by holidaymakers to their travel agent, taken from research by Thomas Cook and ABTA.


A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate". "

 

[DG Hear]

Murphy's Sex Laws

more laws 31 through 45

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
32. Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.
33. Do it only with the best.
34. Sex is a three-letter word, which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
39. Thou shalt not commit adultery…unless in the mood.
40. Never lie down with a woman who has got more troubles than you.
41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
42. Never argue with a woman when she's tired — or rested.
43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

 

[DG Hear]

Murphy's Sex laws

End of Murphy's sex Laws. 46 through 60

46. Never say no.
47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
52. Love comes in spurts.
53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
60. "This won't hurt, I promise,"

 

[DG Hear]

HAPPY EASTER


http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/image001-2.jpg​

 

[DG Hear]

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" She asked.


The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?",
to which the lady replied "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said,

"I'm westing."


Sorry... I couldn't stop myself.
Have a Wonderful Easter...

 

[DG Hear]

oldie but cute

HOLY LAND!

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

 

[DG Hear]

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/Pic.jpg

 

[glynndah]

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant."

"Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?"

 

[SweetWitch]

The night of April 1st

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me..

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him..

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him..

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

 

[TE999]

A little old lady slowly shakily enters the door of a sex shop and, very unsteady on her feet wobbles up to the counter. She grabs it for support and says:

"Yyyyooooouuuunnnggg mannnn, ddddoooo youuuuuu hhahahave annnnyyy dilllldooooeeeessss?"

"Yes, ma'm,' Says the clerk, trying to keep from laughing. "We stock all shapes and sizes."

"Dooooo youuuuu ccccarrrryyy aaaa Pinnnkkk oooonnneee, tttteennn iiiinnnchhheeessss lllllooonnnnnggggg tthhhaattt rrruuunnnnsss ooonnnn bbbbaaaatttteeerrriiiieeessss?"

"Yes we do."

"Dddooooo yyyoooouuuu kkknnnooooowwww hhhooowww tttoooo tttuuurrrrnnn ttthhhheee sssooonnnnnooooffffaaaabbbbiitttchhhhhh oofffff?"

 

[TE999]

Financial Funnies

Did you know the US has developed a new weapon that destroys people, but leaves buildings intact? It's called the stock market.

Do you have any idea how cheap the prices of stocks are? Wall Street is now called Wal-Mart Street.

Do you know the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon? The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas? A tie.

What's the biggest problem with an investment bank balance sheet? There's nothing right on the left side and nothing left on the right side.

A warning to the people of Nigeria, if you get a letter from Washington asking for money, don't fall for it. It's a scam.

One of my checks was returned stamped 'Insufficient Funds'. I don't know if that refers to me or the bank.

 

[DG Hear]

Revenge drink

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. She starts talking about this really great new drink. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items
on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys...very pleasant, holding it in his mouth. He thinks...this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

In one second the sharp lime taste hits.
At two seconds the Baileys curdles.
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits.
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Good God!!! What do you call that drink?"

She smiles at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."

 

[redpaint]

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole'
biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. 'Yes?' she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 'may I help you?'

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes", "Yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, go and wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

 

[DG Hear]

Service

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.



But today, I overheard two farmers talking,

and one of them said he had hired a bull to'service' a few cows.



BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am.

 

[Crudebug]

Breaking News

BREAKING NEWS..
BUSH is DEAD

http://content.imagesocket.com/images/emailjokes_44303_1_CNN206711_1384.jpg​