Humor Thread

[redpaint]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager .

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly, "Wow, she's fat!

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet...

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out As far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue. Just Then her pager begin to emit a "beep, beep, beep".

The little boy yelled out, "Run for your life, she's reversing!!"

 

[redpaint]

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

 

[redpaint]

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

 

[redpaint]

What are the pictures?
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.

When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"

The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"

 

[DG Hear]

Big Dick Contest

A man and his wife were talking and he says, "You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big dick contest."

"Oh honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking ‘your thing’ out in public!"

"But, sweet thing, the prize is twenty five thousand bucks," he says.

"I don't care," she replied. "I don't want you showing ‘your thing’ to everybody."

So he lets the subject drop until the following night when the wife walks in on him in the bedroom, and sees him counting out the money.

"Did you go down and enter that big dick contest last night after I told you not to?" she asked.

"Please forgive me, sweetheart,” he replied.

"You mean you took ‘your thing’ out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes.

The man looks at her fondly and says, "Don’t cry, my dear, I showed only enough of it to win."

 

[Jack_Samuel]

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

 

[redpaint]

Only when he's drunk

A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 65." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt." Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt." The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

 

[redpaint]

Men and their tools

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in it's leather sheath and worn on a homeowner's belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A work light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

 

[redpaint]

How to keep a healthy level of insanity

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Insist that your e-mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) Dont use any punctuation

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

17) Sing along at the opera.

18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)

20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."

21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

13) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.

24) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

25) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"

27) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."

29) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

30) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....

31) Send this joke to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

 

[DG Hear]

Had it before but a lot of truth in it.

Little Johnny wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

Johnny was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

 

[DG Hear]

The Accident-

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before,and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
"
I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.


'We're getting granite countertops.'

 

[DG Hear]

Larry Is In The Hospital

Ok, you are asking, who in the hell is Larry?

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda , his wife
says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

'I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking? She said, shaking her head in disgust. 'Why on earth

would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my

money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping,

you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want..


Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital.

 

[DG Hear]

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/image001-1.jpg​

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting

on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her

and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look!

What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I

smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole

bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.

On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"



"Thirty-four," she replied.

 

[SweetWitch]

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
This could only happen with a little Italian kid.. .

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may
as well tell me now. Was it Maria Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her..'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My 2 lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an
altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

 

[DG Hear]

Cute Molly, I wouldn't mind having a list of older women. To bad I'm not Catholic. Thank you as always for posting here.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Of Sheep and Wives

One day Goha took his small son to the market with him to buy a sheep.

Now it is well known that the value of a sheep depends on the amount of fat which it stores in its tail (or behind). At the market Goha proceeded to feel and weigh in his hands the tails of the sheep, one after another. He would rub it's behind and under belly, until his son asked, "Father, why do you do that?"

"I must do that before I decide which sheep to buy,' his father replied.

A few days later while sitting waiting for the evening meal, the little boy turned to his father and said, "Father, our neighbour was here today. I think he wants to buy my mother."

 

[DG Hear]

Frenglish

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this. Well, I figured I had nothing Toulouse.)

 

[DG Hear]

Definitions not in the Dictionary

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

 

[redpaint]

My friend and I delivered a large refrigerator to the local priest's home. With difficulty we had managed to get the fridge into the porch, but struggled for over 20 minutes to make the 90- degree turn through the narrow door. The priest, seeing our difficulty, asked what we usually did when confronted with such a situation, Rubbing some badly skinned knuckles, I replied, "Well, Father, at this point we usually start cursing."

"Well, gentlemen, "Father replied, "allow me time to move out of earshot so you can continue your work."

 

[redpaint]

A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine.

Each summer, he would invite friends to come to visit him.

One summer he invited a lawyer from the Czech Republic to visit.

The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed.

They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czech friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female.

The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover.

His friend, however, was not so lucky.

The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch.

Luckily, the bears were still there.

“He's in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing at the bear that had consumed his friend.

“Quick -- shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!”

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground.

The startled male fled into the woods.

“Why did you do that?” demanded the lawyer, “I said he was in the other bear!”

“Exactly,” replied the sheriff.

“Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?”

 

[redpaint]

Texas Midget

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.

The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors... Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip- snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.. What did you do?" The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots..."

 

[DG Hear]

Do you want to make love?

A couple were lying in bed one evening after many years of marriage, they are both reading. After a while the man reaches over and starts to play with the lady's pussy and then goes back to reading his book. After a few minutes he again reaches over and plays with his wife's pussy before returning to his book.
After the third time, the lady puts down her book, roles over and puts her arms around her husband and hugs him.

"Darling, do you want to make love?"

"No, why?"

"But darling you keep playing so beautifully with my pussy"

To which the man replies

"I was just trying to wet my finger, so I could turn the pages more easily"

 

[DG Hear]

Try This!

OK, I'm not the brightest crayon in the box but I haven't been able to figure this one out yet.

Click on the site and follow the instructions.

http://www.regiftable.com/RegiftingRobinPopUp.html

 

[SweetWitch]

How I learned to mind my own business ..





I was walking past the mental hospital one day,

and all the patients were shouting, "13...13....13..."



The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap

in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.



Someone poked me in the eye with a stick!



Then they all started shouting, "14...14...14..."

 

[redpaint]

How I learned to mind my own business ..





I was walking past the mental hospital one day,

and all the patients were shouting, "13...13....13..."



The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap

in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.



Someone poked me in the eye with a stick!



Then they all started shouting, "14...14...14..."

LOL Make that 15 now