Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Saturday Is Patriot Day

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So Saturday at 4 PM. Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this noble effort. Wearing a sunscreen lotion is permitted.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to show support for all American women.

Since Islam also does not allow the consumption of alcohol or pork, a cold 6-pack at your side, and baby back rib in your hand, is further proof of your authenticity.

Your fellow Americans appreciate your efforts to root out terrorists, and applaud your participation in this patriotic activity. God bless America!

 

[redpaint]

A man goes to see a docter, and tells him that something is wrong with his arse.
So the docter said, "Go behind the screen i've seen it all before."
When the man returned from behind the screen the doctor said, "Oh my god! What happened to you?"
The man replied, "Well I was in the jungle for a month, and it was the elephant's mating season."
The doctor looked at the mans bottom again and said, "Yes, but the elephants penis is only 6 inches wide."
The man looked at the doctor and said, "Yeah, but he tried to finger me first!!"

 

[redpaint]

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"

"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."

"What if it is pointed up?" asks one of the women.

"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"

 

[redpaint]

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me!"
The doctor asks, "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'...give
the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool
with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride
to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I
go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office
girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good
boning. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing.
Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the
wife another screw......."
"So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???"
The guy says,
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It hurts when I wank!!!!!!!!!

 

[redpaint]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED

************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security applic ation.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED

***********************************************************************

My wif e and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED
************************************* **********************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED

 

[redpaint]

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more................................ There is a hush within the congregation,.....no one wants him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, .... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,...."If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, .... I will give him sex!" There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, . "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,....."Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, .... "Screw the Preacher!" P.S. . Isn't senility something else?' Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!

 

[redpaint]

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.

After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?

A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.

A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again.

Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.

I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.

The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.

Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.

You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.

Yours sincerely,
Bubba

 

[redpaint]

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas , who has recently been
diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth .
One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a
transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for
growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my
other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas .


I have two brothers; one is currently serving a life sentence at
Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is
currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three
children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute
who lives in Longview . She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiance and look
forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally
open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for
President?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

 

[redpaint]

Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:

Look into laughing eyes.
Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

 

[DG Hear]

Hi All

Hey Red! Thanks for posting to the humor thread. I'll be on vacation from Aug. 7th through the 13th. Hope you and others help keep the thread alive. Hate to come back and find it buried on page 5 or 6.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

No sex since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.

Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

1955, ma'am.

Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.

(Gotta love military time)

 

[DG Hear]

Olympic condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?'

'There are three colours', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.'

'What colour are you going to wear tonight?', she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course', says the man proudly.

The wife responds, 'Really, why don't you wear Silver: it would be nice if you came second for a change.

 

[TE999]

Personality Test

Deep in the rainforest stands a huge coconut tree.

One day four creatures walk by it.

A lion.

A giraffe.

A monkey.

And a Squirrel.

Think for a minute and then answer with the first thought that comes to mind. Your choice will determine your personality.

Which animal could get the banana from the tree the fastest?

Think hard and scroll down...
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Ok:

If you answered the Lion: You're an idiot.

If you answered the Giraffe: You're a moron.

If you answered the Monkey: You're stupid.

If you answered the Squirrel: You're a dimwit.
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Bananas don't grow on coconut trees!

Thanks for playing our game. Better luck next time.

 

[DG Hear]

You Lying Bastard!

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf !"

 

[DG Hear]

Oldie but cute

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, “Please prepare for a crash landing."

The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions.

The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first.

The second lady not wanting to be left behind began to take off her top and bra. Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see my great tits and will take me first.

The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties. “Why are you doing that,” the other ladies questioned.

“Well they always search for the black box first,” replied the black lady with a smile.

 

[DG Hear]

Having a bad day

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.

The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.

"When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.

"I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison.

 

[DG Hear]

Nursery Rhyme

I thought of another one. Old stuff but I like it. LOL

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
You could always see Mary's lamb
But, never see her bear.


Mary had a little lamb,
It surprised the doctor.

 

[DesertPirate]

Do you know the difference between a paycheck and a dick?




Don't have to beg the wife to blow the check

 

[DesertPirate]

The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers!).
However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27,
1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of
475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot,
11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."
Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned
with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.
On 18 November, she set sail for England . In the ensuing days she defeated
five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships,
salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although
unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland . Her
landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of
single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799, with no
cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600
gallons of water.

GO NAVY!!!

There were a few Marines on board, too.

 

[Weird Harold]

Mary had a little lamb,
It surprised the doctor.

Old MacDonald had a farm...

And the Doctor fainted.

 

[redpaint]

The Medical Distinction between Guts and Balls - We've all heard about people 'having guts' or 'having balls'. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome as both ultimately result in death.

 

[redpaint]

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: Scroll down...


















You'll love this ...





















'You've got Male!'

 

[redpaint]

GWB Library to Open in 2009



The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages.



The Library will include:



The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.



The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.



The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.



The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.



The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.



The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.



The National Debt room which is huge and has no ceiling.



The 'Tax Cut' Room with entry only to the wealthy.



The 'Economy Room' which is in the toilet.



The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.



The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location,complete with shotgun gallery.



The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.



The Supreme Court's Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.



The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.



The 'Decider Room' complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.


The museum will also have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.

 

[redpaint]

The Ten Commandments ......................................


I believe it was Bubba and Rufus what come up with these Ten Commandments.

This is a good way to teach the 10 Commandments today! Maybe then people would "get it." Tennessee Ten Commandments .......

Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those "shall's" and "shall not's" in the Ten commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms.. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the "King James' into Jackson County" language..... no joke, read on... The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN)

(1) Just one God

(2) Put nothin' before God

(3) Watch yore mouth

(4) Git yersef to Sunday meetin'

(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa

(6) No killin'

(7) No foolin' around with another feller's gal

(8) Don't take what ain't yorn

(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'

(10) Don't be hankerin' fer yer buddy's stuff Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day.

 

[redpaint]

Top 10 Signs that Barrack Obama might be

'Slightly Overconfident'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10. Proposed a bill to change Oklahoma to "Oklobama"

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9. Offered Bush 20 bucks for the "Mission Accomplished" banner

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8. Asked guy at Staples, "So,.. Which chair will work best in an oval-shaped office?"

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7. Ahhhh....The affair with Barbara Walters

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6. Having head measured for Mount Rushmore

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5. Plans to hold a campaign event at a NASCAR race.The event will be called 'Meet your first black guy'

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4. He's personally voting for Ralph Nader

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3. Offered Sen. McCain a job in the gift shop at Obama Presidential Library

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2. Announced his running mate will be David Haselhoff, just to please the Germans

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....and the #1 reason.....

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1. Been out cruising for chicks with John Edwards