Huhmmmmm, I am curious

[KillerMuffin]

From an anonymous someone who didn't like the way I did my story:

"This was PERFECT then you blew it on the last fucking sentence. In these days of
death and destruction....who the fuck wants to read about sexual murder?
Domination, mind control, even rape? Okay! But the image of a knife keeps
melding with the images of BOXCUTTERS."

I've gotten several emails along those lines. The story was great and they you blew it!

Well, I did so intentionally and I knew the audience for that category would not like it. This story seems to be getting 1'd out of existence, and deservedly so I think. I angered the target audience which is a no-no if you want them to like the story.

What do you think? Effective? Did the ending surprise you? Did you dislike it? Did you see the underlying message?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=31891

 

[Black_Bird]

I saw the underlieing message...

And understood where it was coming from - but at the same time, nothing in the story was really appealing to me. I know that it was meant to be a suprise ending, but you should have given a good number of hints as to what was happening inside the main character's head - hints that the reader WOULDN'T get until the last line.

Also, besides the last line, the story was pretty mundane. I mean - why does he have the power to control people like that? Why wasn't there more struggle from the woman? We should have seen a little more of that - esp with the point you were trying to make. And perhaps a little more of the main character's personality; I really don't get a feel for him at all. Maybe that's the point, as you are trying to show the line between fantasy and reality, but it doesn't work out like way.

To tell you the truth, I don't understand why that story got an "E". I gave that story a three.

Yeah - I know this criticism is coming from someone who's work you don't care for... I liked a good number of your other stories - "It's Nilla For Me" was GREAT for example... its just this particular story that doesn't cut it.

 

[TheDR4KE]

surprising ending ... umm... ;-)

Well, given that you give the ending away in your post, no unfortunately the ending didn't surprise me. If you want feedback on it, you might want to rewrite your original request

As to the story -- I think you've done a fantastic job of capturing the problem of people holding on to others too stronlgy, coercing them and then being disappointed when they don't react with originality, when you have to tell them everything you want them to do. I feel pity for the guy on his downward spiral into depression and ultimate self-destruction.

The 'controversial' ending -- he's psycho and it was bound to be something of that strength I feel. Doesn't seem to affect me as much as the feedback that you're getting suggests it affects others. I would definitely leave it!

Great little story, even if it doesn't do anything for me sexually at all. But as a description of the depths of human illusion, as a holding up into the light of the shallowness of exerted power as compared to empowering trust, it's really great. I quite enjoy mind control stories sometimes, and this one is a great example of the dangerous precipice that they need to steer clear of.

Thank you,

Drake

 

[JUDO]

Nope

Didn't see the underlying message. Just saw the knife and my mind kind've flashed,"What's he gonna do with that?" And then I skipped it. Didn't delve.

Quite the fantasy to disappoint with, though, eh? I'm sure it's a big one on several lists.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Yeah, I should have been more specific in the question.

The story didn't do anything for me sexually and it was, actually, the hardest part to write because it was boring and I'm not surprised people pretty much ignored it.

The ending wasn't actually designed to be a surprise. I thought the whole thing was pretty transparent myself, given the movie culture I'm fascinated with. I thought cheesy Hannibal.

The question should have been: Did the last sentence ruin the story?

 

[TheDR4KE]

re the revised question

In a word, for me: No.

Drake

 

[P. B. Walker]

I pretty much saw it coming. Aside from the fact that you mentioned a knife in your post before I could read it, I knew it was not going to end good. I don't thing the ending ruined the story at all, but rather confirmed the suspicions I'd formed as I was reading it.

I also don't see how someone can draw a similarity between the knife in this story and a boxcutter from.. yanno.

Anyhoo...

- PBW

 

[KillerMuffin]

I've gotten 6 emails on this story. I've gotten 6 "the last sentence ruined it!" notices.

I was a little worried that maybe it did. I think of Mind Control as the most violent rape you can do to someone, particularly if they are aware of the control. That and I was reading one of John Douglas's treatises on sexual serial killers when I wrote it. I didn't know if it was over the top or not, I'm thinking that it might be.

 

[garyblue]

Killer,

This was a perfect example of a not KillerMuffin story. You gave us a cardboard cutout of a character. What drove our hero to attempt control of a celebrity? WhereHowWhen did this ability show up? The transition from self-delusion to realization is entirely too abrupt even for this flat creature. Where did the knife come from?

Did the last sentence ruin the story? No, the finish was actually appropriate. Everything that led up to the last sentence ruined the story.

You have a good story here. It could be a real grabber. You just chose to not tell it with your usual skill.

g

 

[Black_Bird]

Perhaps...

It isn't a bad story idea... just a bad story...

If the main character was more visably shallow, if he was even more of a characture then what he is in this present story, I think the story might have worked out. Perhaps it should have been written from a first person point of view like "American Psycho" was?

 

[Dragonette]

Sorry KM

Did nothing for me.
No character, no depth, nothing.

I could not associate with either of them, felt nothing.
Mind control?
He wishes?
There was no fear, no threat, no control, no understanding.
OK, I knew about the knife from this thread, but he is a loser.
But it was words, cardboard, nothing at all.
I haven't voted and I won't.

I admit it's not my type of story, but I had to go back a few times as I lost the plot!

he could hardly believe that she was his.

In control?

Sexually, ziltch for me!