Huh?

[danlbone]

Okay, folks. I have a question. I joined and submitted a story. I freely admit it was not as kinky or steamy as a lot of those presented here. No incest, watersports, etc. But I thought it was well presented and represented a fairly mild departure from conventional life.

The first thing that happened was that it was rejected, due to (as the explanation went) possible run-on sentences and other grammatical no-no's. I checked again, and there were none.

I'm not sure why it happened, but it did. I resubmitted it and it was finally approved. The voting went from 4.33 when I first checked it to its current 4.1 something. I have to say I'm disappointed, but no big deal, really. I would just like to understand why, beyond 'there is no accounting for taste', interest isn't stronger in a more true-to-life recounting of an occurrence.

I realize that a lot of people who frequent this site do not write. I realize that a lot of people who read the stories are doing so one-handed.

To me, it was exciting, given the lines that were crossed. The next chapter will be steamier, but I'm still puzzled. That's all.

If you want to see it, it is here:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=68311

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

danlbone,

Here are a couple of things you might want to think about while working on your next story.

There's an old writing adage that your first sentence should be your best, the first paragraph should be your best, the first page...you get the idea. This story has a VERY slow beginning. That's not good in any type of fiction but with erotic writing, it's usually the kiss of death.

Your story was almost almost totally lacking in descriptions of the characters and settings. It's the fifth paragraph before we even learn the wife's name and the only physical description we have of her is that she has an "ample" ass. The other female, Tammie, also remains a physical blank except the reader can infer she's probably a blonde.

There is also no description of the setting and very little of what the characters are wearing. For instance, we learn that Cindy's buttons are off her blouse and that she's wearing a shear bra, but we never know what kind of pants she has on, which would seem to be a vital element in a spanking story.

So, IMHO, you might want to work on your openings and your descriptions.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[the_bragis]

Hello danlbone,

'4.1' is not a bad score, many stories rate much lower than that. Besides I have read many low scoring stories that I have enjoyed immensely. The ratings here are a very fickle thing, since different people vote for all kinds of reasons.

I realize that a lot of people who read the stories are doing so one-handed.

dan, this is a site for erotic stories. If you read Stephen King aren't you looking to be scared out of your skin? If you read Barbara Cartland, don't you expect to go 'arh' and sigh on every second page? People come here basically to read about sex, so you are quite possibly right, but please don't underestimate the readership. Most in here look for, and expect quality.

Now your story. The grammar and spelling all look fine, the punctuation is good too, although I have to point out here, I'm not an expert. Spanking is hot topic for sure, only as I read this, it was as if you were perhaps reporting on the facts rather than telling a story. Please don't be offended by this comment, your story is good, it just needs a few adjustments to get it really sizzling. This is what I think may spice it up for your readers.


Detail!

After a little more foreplay, we had amazing sex.

People don't mind using their imaginations, but they don't like having to work too hard at it, no matter what they're reading. I felt this is one of many missed opportunities for some hot and steamy detail. Sure you know and I know, we all know what foreplay and amazing sex is, (don't we? ) but we still want to read all about it.

So we kissed, fondled, stroked and nibbled to great length.

It's not enough to say it, you need to describe to great length also.

Cindy had been getting hornier as the night went on. Little remarks and gestures told me, and even Tom and Tammy commented on it

More dialog will really bring your characters 'to life'. Readers will get to know them much better when you show exactly what was said, rather than telling them.

E.g.

Cindy had been getting hornier as the night went on.

"Is anyone else feeling as hot as I am?" she asked, wriggling about on her chair and undoing the the first couple of buttons on her blouse with one hand, as she fanned herself with the other.

Tom leaned over, "You seem a little distracted tonight sweety?" he said, placing his hand on her knee.

"No she's not Tom," Tammy replied, with a smug grin, "you heard her, she's just feeling hot tonight."

The two women looked at each other, and tried not to giggle.

***
A couple of smaller things I noted were:

You need a fresh paragraph for each person's dialog. It's not a big deal, but it will make your story easier to follow.

The first two times..

The first couple of times I read this I couldn't quite figure out why it didn't sound right ...then it twigged, odd little things like this will jar others too.

Still, Tom and I laughed and giggled. Cindy giggled along with us.

Laughed and giggled are pretty much the same thing, also it's best to avoid using the same word twice too close.

25 swats

This will really bug pedantic readers, so type the word not the number.

You have good basic writing skills, and a great imagination; key factors in any form of good fiction writing.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex (fem).

 

[sirhugs]

I wonn't redo what the_bragis has done well, so no details here. I agree with RF that the opening is slow. I liked the first line, but then it boggged down. I am a big fan of dialogue, and you write it well. Using it earlier in the story would draw the reader in.

Because of the long build up, the 'payoff' scene seemed abrupt. If I WAS reading one handed ( which I'm not right now), I'd be left hanging. I hate that sinking feeling of reading a great story thast arouses, then having to go hunting again.

I agree generally with Rf's point on description, but too much is not a good thing either. There is a thread on the Author's Hangout discussing the use of description. It would be worth reviewing.

I also found too many compound sentences, and a few run on sentences. I think the pace of the story, and the readability , would improve if you used simpler sentence structure.

A score over 4 is a really good score. as was already said, votes are fickle and unpredictable. Some vote on 'heat'; others on style; some will vote low if the object to the subject matter. Since fetish is a broad category, you might just have had some food sex or panty sniffing affecionados who were disappointed by a spanking story.

You don't say how many votes you had. 3 times 4 plus a five gives 4.3. A single"1' by a disappointed reader would nhave dropped you below 4. Do not put too much stock in votes. Several threads on several forums detail stories of voting wars. Write for yourself, and the readers who enjoy your stories.

 

[danlbone]

Thanks, all...

Thank you all for the critiques. I do appreciate the time and effort.

I write for my own amusement, so the voting scores don't really bother me. It just made me curious.

I'm working on more stories, and I'll remember what you've said.