HT converse with men

[cheekygirl75]

Cheeky,

I\'m interested to know what your body language is like when you\'re conversing. Are you animated? Eyes steady and bright, smile at the appropriate places?

I mean, if you\'re delivering your questions and answers in a monotone, while peeling the label off your bottle, the quality of conversation is gonna suffer.

I think my body language is generally pretty animated and definitely no monotone, but I do have to admitt that most of the time I will be peeling the label off my bottle or something similar just because I\'m a fidgity person. It has nothing to do with who I\'m with or how interested I am in the conversation. Actually, a lot of time it means I\'m really concentrating on what\'s being said. But that\'s interesting, I never really thought about how it would seem to someone who doesn\'t know me.

From your own posts, you admit you can\'t really remember much detail. Are you as involved in the discourse as you think you are? Believe me, if you aren\'t, it shows and the guy is going to assume you\'re humoring him, and react accordingly.

Well, I think in this case, the reason I couldn\'t remember much detail was due to the fact that we were drinking. I don\'t really drink much, so two and a half large beers in less than an hour affects my memory a bit!

I think it would be an interesting exercise to watch you when you\'re having a discussion with your female friends, and when you\'re doing the same with a male friend or friends.

Yes, that would be interesting, but that\'s part of the problem. I never really have male friends. And I definitely never have close male friends. That\'s what I want to learn really, how to become friends with men.

 

[cheekygirl75]

He\'s just not into you.

Yes, very true! lol

 

[In_the_Nick_of_time]

You are probably a bit deep for many guys.

We are all programmed the same but some of us do like to understand and get to know the lady before considering taking things further.

I have had exactly the same experience talking to women where the conversation dries up. You are asking all the questions and it's bloody hard work. I generally take the hint. Also the opposite is true when I just don't find them particularly interesting and conversation again is strained.

Try finding guys with similar interests and intellect. You will know when the chemistry is there.

 

[kaycee217]

That\'s possible, and one of the reasons that I posted because it does worry me. I think I act interested, but like I said, I am definitely more on the reserved and sometimes shy side. So maybe that comes off as me not being interested. But the very few times I\'ve acted a lot more flamboyantly outgoing, it\'s lead to a hookup or a date. It would be nice to just be friends with a guy for once. I don\'t seem to be able to exude the \"I\'m interested in you as a person, but not in that way\" vibe to men. Or does that vibe even exist?

Oooooooooooh, ok. It makes a lot more sense now. I was under the impression you couldn't get any guy to be into (romantic or platonic) you via a face to face conversation.

It seems like your "problem" is a bit more common than expected, but unfortunately, I don't have an answer. There are women out there that seem to have the same problem: why can't I just be friends with a guy? Why do they think I always want to date them? There is no answer since men can interpret things in many different ways. One man's cue to "she's just friendly" is another man's cue to "she wants to sleep with me."

 

[human_male]

I have exactly the same complaint about women. Exactly! I do all the work, ask all the questions, all they do is answer questions. I get sick of doing that, or I just assume they're not interested.

I'm surprised to hear that men do the same thing. I woudl have thought the biggest complaint women have about talking to men is that they drone on about themselves, what they're doing, what they like ect and not ask the woman anything.

 

[muffalo]

converse

So many quotations on this thread I can't follow, so sorry If I'm repeating something.
I think a good thing to try would be to play all positions of the field with your questions. For example, if your asking about interests, what they like, don't like, etc. your playing the pitcher the whole time cause that's what your comfortable with or used to.
But try asking a question you may not even like, or better yet, might not want the answer to. Change your position to a question you may not be as comfortable with cause you never ask it, so it will get a response. A good way to do it is pretend your asking it to another guy(not another girl, guys can tell when your asking girl to girl questions)
For example, if your getting frustrated, take yourself out of the situation mentally and throw a curve ball. If you're having trouble doing that, take a second and look around at another cute guy in the room for a second and pretend your asking it to him. It may change your expectations in the answer for a brief second. It might be awkward and you might feel embarrassed, but some guys like a girl that's all over the place. We start asking questions back if we think your thoughts are straying from us. The more you zone in on us like a pitcher wearing out their arm, the more we shut off. I'm not saying be a ditz but throw some wild pitches to get our attention and we'll start using our brains a bit more to have a fun conversation.
*whew* does that make sense?

 

[boutrosboutros]

Ok, maybe this is a stupid topic for a 34 year old woman to be asking about, but I guess I\'m just socially retarded in this way. I just don\'t get how to have a conversation with most men. Or maybe it\'s just me. To me, a conversation involves two or more people being interested in what the others are saying enough to listen (as opposed to just waiting to talk again) and ask follow up questions. But it seems like 95% of the men I meet answer questions without offering any in return, yet I don\'t get the sense that they\'re bored... I think I\'m generally pretty good at reading people, and a lot of the time (not always, of course) get the impression that they want to keep talking to me, but I\'m just not the type to volunteer a lot of information to someone I don\'t know (unless it\'s to anonomous strangers online!), so the conversation ends up being me asking questions and the guy answering. Until I get fed up with doing all the work, and the it ends quickly.

I don\'t know if this makes any sense, but it\'s frustrating me tonight and I\'ve had just enough beer to post it without censoring myself.

There is a sizeable portion of the population who just don't understand how to have a conversation. They can't grasp the concept of give and take. I think it's not so much a male thing as a self-centred-person thing. Women do it too. I used to worry about it if it ever happened, but my patience for it wears thinner and thinner over time. Nowadays I tend to just think, "This chick is really boring, I'm going to talk to somebody else now."

My theory as to why you think it's a male problem is a) that people tend to overanalyse their encounters with the opposite sex a lot more than they do with their own (even if they're not interested sexually in the particular person in question), and b) men just don't talk as much as women do, in general, which perhaps makes lack of conversational ability more pronounced.

 

[boutrosboutros]

Yes, that would be interesting, but that\'s part of the problem. I never really have male friends. And I definitely never have close male friends. That\'s what I want to learn really, how to become friends with men.

It's worth pointing out that if you're hot it's going to be harder to have (straight) male friends, because they're unlikely to ever be able to think of you in a nonsexual way. How hot are you?

If you are, that could also explain the initial problem. Maybe the guys in question are just intimidated and tongue-tied by this stunning beauty miraculously deigning to talk to them?

 

[BrazenFellow]

BoutrosBoutros: Not strictly true, with regards to men not talking as much as women. We do. Quite a bit. We can ramble on at length, seemingly endlessly, on a topic that interests us and its related subjects.

These topics however, aren't very feminine. Not many women would like to discuss football team statistics (stereotype) or war (stereotype, but so very true in my case). Many are willing to patiently listen while you ramble, but then we become self-conscious and shut up. Men need something to talk about.

Finding common ground is the difficulty.

And with attractive women, there's a deeply set fear of making ourselves look stupid.