HT converse with men

[cheekygirl75]

Ok, maybe this is a stupid topic for a 34 year old woman to be asking about, but I guess I\'m just socially retarded in this way. I just don\'t get how to have a conversation with most men. Or maybe it\'s just me. To me, a conversation involves two or more people being interested in what the others are saying enough to listen (as opposed to just waiting to talk again) and ask follow up questions. But it seems like 95% of the men I meet answer questions without offering any in return, yet I don\'t get the sense that they\'re bored... I think I\'m generally pretty good at reading people, and a lot of the time (not always, of course) get the impression that they want to keep talking to me, but I\'m just not the type to volunteer a lot of information to someone I don\'t know (unless it\'s to anonomous strangers online!), so the conversation ends up being me asking questions and the guy answering. Until I get fed up with doing all the work, and the it ends quickly.

I don\'t know if this makes any sense, but it\'s frustrating me tonight and I\'ve had just enough beer to post it without censoring myself.

 

[mandoscot]

Ok, maybe this is a stupid topic for a 34 year old woman to be asking about, but I guess I\'m just socially retarded in this way. I just don\'t get how to have a conversation with most men. Or maybe it\'s just me. To me, a conversation involves two or more people being interested in what the others are saying enough to listen (as opposed to just waiting to talk again) and ask follow up questions. But it seems like 95% of the men I meet answer questions without offering any in return, yet I don\'t get the sense that they\'re bored... I think I\'m generally pretty good at reading people, and a lot of the time (not always, of course) get the impression that they want to keep talking to me, but I\'m just not the type to volunteer a lot of information to someone I don\'t know (unless it\'s to anonomous strangers online!), so the conversation ends up being me asking questions and the guy answering. Until I get fed up with doing all the work, and the it ends quickly.

I don\'t know if this makes any sense, but it\'s frustrating me tonight and I\'ve had just enough beer to post it without censoring myself.

You've just never met a man that's in touch with his feminine side - keep looking or look me up on yahoo! - Alternately find a man who talks rather than drinks beer - jus a suggestion

 

[cheekygirl75]

You\'ve just never met a man that\'s in touch with his feminine side - keep looking or look me up on yahoo! - Alternately find a man who talks rather than drinks beer - jus a suggestion

I might take you up on that if I can remember the password for my yahoo account! But isn\'t it possible for a man to talk while drinking beer? I\'ve had some of the best conversations with female friends while we were drinking beer... I like drinking beer *and* talking!

 

[mandoscot]

I might take you up on that if I can remember the password for my yahoo account! But isn\'t it possible for a man to talk while drinking beer? I\'ve had some of the best conversations with female friends while we were drinking beer... I like drinking beer *and* talking!

You are confusing female friends with people who want to get into your pants - i.e. MALES. Next question?

 

[cheekygirl75]

You are confusing female friends with people who want to get into your pants - i.e. MALES. Next question?

So you\'re saying men don\'t ever want to take the time to get to know the perosn whose pants they want to get into? That\'s sad.

 

[mandoscot]

So you\'re saying men don\'t ever want to take the time to get to know the perosn whose pants they want to get into? That\'s sad.

Oh we do - it's just that the length of time is not a constant. Horny man + PLEASE = quick
Horny lady = How long can you hold you breath + use that toy properly + tell me why I'm the only one for you - re-decorate this ceiling and promise not to come in my mouth.



See - different planet

 

[kaycee217]

What kind of conversations do you have with these men? What are you talking about? Where are these conversations taking place? Are you approaching them out of the blue or are they coming to you?

In my opinion, if someone is interested in you, they will try to keep a conversation going and try to learn more about you. I've generally believed that if you're constantly trying to ask questions to have some sort of dialogue, then the person is not interested. When someone wants to talk to me and I don't want to talk to them, one of the things I always do is to NEVER ask a follow up question. I don't know if my opinion can be applied to you though, since I don't know how and when your conversations are occurring.

 

[mandoscot]

Best example I can give is this - and it's all abut power in the long run.

Man gets ready to go out at the weekend and thinks - "I wonder if I'll be lucky tonight?" He has a shower - puts n his best rig and goes on party mode, spending money and trying to impress.

Woman gets ready to go go out - has shower and wonders.... "Who's going to get lucky tonight?"

 

[cheekygirl75]

What kind of conversations do you have with these men? What are you talking about? Where are these conversations taking place? Are you approaching them out of the blue or are they coming to you?

In my opinion, if someone is interested in you, they will try to keep a conversation going and try to learn more about you. I\'ve generally believed that if you\'re constantly trying to ask questions to have some sort of dialogue, then the person is not interested. When someone wants to talk to me and I don\'t want to talk to them, one of the things I always do is to NEVER ask a follow up question. I don\'t know if my opinion can be applied to you though, since I don\'t know how and when your conversations are occurring.

That\'s what I\'ve always believed too... but it seems that no matter the situation, that\'s the response I always get from me; or at least lately, I really started noticing it in the last couple of years, but thinking back on past relationships, it applies there too. So it\'s either that men just don\'t want to talk to me or that the men I\'m meeting don\'t have conversations in the same way I do. It\'s happened in any situation - out at a bar, at work, a friend\'s party - and talking about anything. And no, it\'s never that I approach them first. Generally, it will be in a group, where everyone is just getting to know each other. Or, on here, getting PMs from guys that I\'ve never talked to on the boards anywhere.

 

[mandoscot]

That\'s what I\'ve always believed too... but it seems that no matter the situation, that\'s the response I always get from me; or at least lately, I really started noticing it in the last couple of years, but thinking back on past relationships, it applies there too. So it\'s either that men just don\'t want to talk to me or that the men I\'m meeting don\'t have conversations in the same way I do. It\'s happened in any situation - out at a bar, at work, a friend\'s party - and talking about anything. And no, it\'s never that I approach them first. Generally, it will be in a group, where everyone is just getting to know each other. Or, on here, getting PMs from guys that I\'ve never talked to on the boards anywhere.

See - when I am having a conversation - I listen - always a good starting point - could be I'm an atypical man! HELP - I'm not normal!!!!!

 

[kaycee217]

That\'s what I\'ve always believed too... but it seems that no matter the situation, that\'s the response I always get from me; or at least lately, I really started noticing it in the last couple of years, but thinking back on past relationships, it applies there too. So it\'s either that men just don\'t want to talk to me or that the men I\'m meeting don\'t have conversations in the same way I do. It\'s happened in any situation - out at a bar, at work, a friend\'s party - and talking about anything. And no, it\'s never that I approach them first. Generally, it will be in a group, where everyone is just getting to know each other. Or, on here, getting PMs from guys that I\'ve never talked to on the boards anywhere.

Hmmm, it seems to me that it has nothing to do with you physically, but perhaps your style of conversing?

Can you give an example of a conversation that would end up the way you've been describing?

As for the PMs, it's always (to me) about asking a question. I've had PMs with people where I ask the questions, they answer...period. But other people I've asked questions to in PMs, either ask me the same question I asked them, or based off my question, talk about a slightly different subject, then ask me a question about that new subject. I've always attributed it to "written chemistry" or something like that. I think people (at least with PMs, and even conversations, for that matter) have their own style and if it doesn't click with another person, there is no communication. But with you, it seems like it's more than just a lack of chemistry and that's why I'm curious to see what kind of conversations you've been having.

 

[infinity706]

So you\'re saying men don\'t ever want to take the time to get to know the perosn whose pants they want to get into? That\'s sad.

Well, honestly, I'd prefer to even get to know my hookups a little. Sometimes, I even enjoy flirting and having a conversation more than sex. Of course, I'm certainly not a normal guy.

 

[Pandora73]

For what it's worth, you're not the only one. I've noticed this quite a bit when talking to men (and some women, too). To me it's similar to playing tennis with someone who doesn't quite get the point of the game -- you lob balls over the net and they stand there and stare at you like a jackass. It drives me crazy, personally. Because like you, I don't readily offer up information about myself, #1 because I'm on the shy side, but #2, I try not to make the assumption that the person in question is particularly interested in the details of my life unless they ask. So when they ask nothing, I volunteer nothing. In an attempt to keep the conversation going and be polite, I ask them questions about themselves, until I get completely sick of lobbing balls over the net and give up.

I always attributed it to just a general lack of conversational skills, but I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm the weird one, who knows!

 

[cheekygirl75]

Hmmm, it seems to me that it has nothing to do with you physically, but perhaps your style of conversing?

Can you give an example of a conversation that would end up the way you\'ve been describing?

As for the PMs, it\'s always (to me) about asking a question. I\'ve had PMs with people where I ask the questions, they answer...period. But other people I\'ve asked questions to in PMs, either ask me the same question I asked them, or based off my question, talk about a slightly different subject, then ask me a question about that new subject. I\'ve always attributed it to \"written chemistry\" or something like that. I think people (at least with PMs, and even conversations, for that matter) have their own style and if it doesn\'t click with another person, there is no communication. But with you, it seems like it\'s more than just a lack of chemistry and that\'s why I\'m curious to see what kind of conversations you\'ve been having.

Actually, a good example would be a guy that I saw tonight. He\'s a friend of a friend and I\'ve met him a few times while hanging out with mutual friends. We\'re in the same field, which is slightly unusual, and he\'s gay, so it\'s definitely not a case of him wanting to get in my pants. Tonight was typical - I just got a new job and he did ask about it, or rather said \'tell me about it\', but after giving brief details, that was it. I guess I sometimes get the impression that guys (though now that I think about it, maybe it\'s people in general) respond better to women who
just volunteer their life story without any prompting.

But then again, all this might just be the beer talking, as I said. I think I\'m feeling a bit down as I just found out a friend, who is also rather reserved like me, just started seriously seeing someone. I\'m happy for her, of course, but a bit jealous and wondering why it is that I never seem to bond with guys the way I can with women. I know it\'s a different relationship, but sometimes it would be so much easier if I were at all attracted to women!

 

[kaycee217]

Actually, a good example would be a guy that I saw tonight. He\'s a friend of a friend and I\'ve met him a few times while hanging out with mutual friends. We\'re in the same field, which is slightly unusual, and he\'s gay, so it\'s definitely not a case of him wanting to get in my pants. Tonight was typical - I just got a new job and he did ask about it, or rather said \'tell me about it\', but after giving brief details, that was it. I guess I sometimes get the impression that guys (though now that I think about it, maybe it\'s people in general) respond better to women who
just volunteer their life story without any prompting.

But then again, all this might just be the beer talking, as I said. I think I\'m feeling a bit down as I just found out a friend, who is also rather reserved like me, just started seriously seeing someone. I\'m happy for her, of course, but a bit jealous and wondering why it is that I never seem to bond with guys the way I can with women. I know it\'s a different relationship, but sometimes it would be so much easier if I were at all attracted to women!

Please expand on the bolded.

What exactly did you say? How did you say it? How much did you say? What was your body language like? Were you making eye contact when telling your gay friend about your new job?

 

[cheekygirl75]

For what it\'s worth, you\'re not the only one. I\'ve noticed this quite a bit when talking to men (and some women, too). To me it\'s similar to playing tennis with someone who doesn\'t quite get the point of the game -- you lob balls over the net and they stand there and stare at you like a jackass. It drives me crazy, personally. Because like you, I don\'t readily offer up information about myself, #1 because I\'m on the shy side, but #2, I try not to make the assumption that the person in question is particularly interested in the details of my life unless they ask. So when they ask nothing, I volunteer nothing. In an attempt to keep the conversation going and be polite, I ask them questions about themselves, until I get completely sick of lobbing balls over the net and give up.

I always attributed it to just a general lack of conversational skills, but I don\'t know, maybe I\'m wrong. Maybe I\'m the weird one, who knows!

Yes, exactly! I\'m the same way, especially #2. It\'s very good to hear that I\'m not the only one.

Of course, it has worked out to my benefit somewhat as I have somehow landed in a career that requires me to spent most of the time trying to get other people to talk!

 

[cromsgirl]

See - when I am having a conversation - I listen - always a good starting point - could be I'm an atypical man! HELP - I'm not normal!!!!!

Don't be normal, normal is boring!

 

[cheekygirl75]

Mandoscot & Infinity706, it\'s nice to hear that there are some \"abnormal\" guys out there, as obviously there are some abnormal women looking for exactly that!

 

[cheekygirl75]

Please expand on the bolded.

What exactly did you say? How did you say it? How much did you say? What was your body language like? Were you making eye contact when telling your gay friend about your new job?

I don\'t remember exactly what I said, but I gave the basic details of the job - the city it\'s in and where that is in the country we\'re all living in, what kind of students I\'ll be teaching, that they provide an apartment, and I think that\'s about it. It was just what I consider the most important points. And I was definitely excited while talking about it and making eye contact. I\'m not sure about body language... I think we were sitting next to each other and I was turned towards him.

 

[kaycee217]

I don\'t remember exactly what I said, but I gave the basic details of the job - the city it\'s in and where that is in the country we\'re all living in, what kind of students I\'ll be teaching, that they provide an apartment, and I think that\'s about it. It was just what I consider the most important points. And I was definitely excited while talking about it and making eye contact. I\'m not sure about body language... I think we were sitting next to each other and I was turned towards him.

Hmmm, it does seem odd that your answer wouldn't continue the conversation. Did the guy you were talking to make any attempt to continue the conversation at all?

The only thing I can think of is somehow you exude an "I'm not interested" vibe with men? Have you talked to any of your female friends about this? Maybe they can have more pertinent suggestions.

 

[silverwhisper]

cheekygirl, i'm curious: do you ask follow-up questions?

ed

 

[bobinks2]

snip... and he\'s gay, so it\'s definitely not a case of him wanting to get in my pants. ...snip

He's just not into you.

 

[Dalbhach]

Cheeky,

I'm interested to know what your body language is like when you're conversing. Are you animated? Eyes steady and bright, smile at the appropriate places?

I mean, if you're delivering your questions and answers in a monotone, while peeling the label off your bottle, the quality of conversation is gonna suffer.

From your own posts, you admit you can't really remember much detail. Are you as involved in the discourse as you think you are? Believe me, if you aren't, it shows and the guy is going to assume you're humoring him, and react accordingly.

I think it would be an interesting exercise to watch you when you're having a discussion with your female friends, and when you're doing the same with a male friend or friends.

 

[cheekygirl75]

The only thing I can think of is somehow you exude an \"I\'m not interested\" vibe with men? Have you talked to any of your female friends about this? Maybe they can have more pertinent suggestions.

That\'s possible, and one of the reasons that I posted because it does worry me. I think I act interested, but like I said, I am definitely more on the reserved and sometimes shy side. So maybe that comes off as me not being interested. But the very few times I\'ve acted a lot more flamboyantly outgoing, it\'s lead to a hookup or a date. It would be nice to just be friends with a guy for once. I don\'t seem to be able to exude the \"I\'m interested in you as a person, but not in that way\" vibe to men. Or does that vibe even exist?

 

[cheekygirl75]

cheekygirl, i\'m curious: do you ask follow-up questions?

ed

Yes, almost always. Of course there are always people you just don\'t click with, but even then I usually ask one or two basic ones.