How's this for serious...

[Enigma777]

I really did not think that this was the approriate forum for this, but since so many have rattled their sabers (in a good way) for serious stuff, let's give this a shot...

My dad died about 3 weeks ago. He had cancer, and we found out in March that he was sick. He told me he had about a year. It turned out to be much shorter than that. He never said he was in that much pain, but one night he called me and my siblings, and told us all that he loved us very much. I guess I did not pay enough attention. My response was something like, "Yeah, I know. I love you too." After the phone calls, he took all of his pills and lay down on his bed and died.

I feel cheated. I did not have a chance to tell him what I needed to. But maybe that is my fault. I thought he had about a year. I began to lay the groundwork for a fishing trip - just the two of us - when his Chemotherapy would allow. I planned it for August. We had never gone fishing together... and that always seemed to me to be something a father and son should do. I have never been fishing, and my father hadn't been fishing since before I was born. But it just seemed like something we needed to do. Silly, huh?

I guess my point in posting this is to say...


Don't take the ones you love for granted. You never know when things will happen, and when it does, it just might be too late.

 

[Flagg]

I'm really sorry to hear about your father enigma. I can't imagine how hard it would be to lose someone when you are expecting to have so much more time with them. I guess the only comfort is that you father knew you loved him. Parents have a knack like that. I hope you are OK.

 

[Sammyjo]

*sob*

I know.

And that's all I can say. I am going through this exact thing right now...only I am your father. At 27, I never thought that something this serious would be a part of my life.

I am hoping that I can beat this. That I will live to see my daughter grow up. I never miss the chance to tell her how much I love her. I think I tell her a million times a day.

Growing up, I never heard it. But I'm going to make damn sure she does hear it, and feel it. When/if I'm gone, I want her to never doubt that I loved her, and that I will always be watching over her.

Your father knew...I know it may not be much comfort.

Do not hesitate to e-mail me if you like...

Sammy

 

[Expertise]

Its not silly at all Enigma. It is very touching actually.

Some of my fondest memories of my grandfather include us fishing together. Although he did not pass as quickly as your dad. After his "attack" he was not lucid enough to understand even simple conversations with us or for that matter recognize us. So I too was denied the opportunity to properly say my goodbyes and tell him how much I loved him and respected him and to thank him for making me a better human being.

Along the same line I read an article in our local paper of a man who held his own funeral/wake after he was diagnosed with terminal cancer and was still in relatively good health so his friends and family could say goodbye to him and vice versa. It sounded like a wonderfull event and though its cliche' a celebration of his life not the mourning of his passing.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[Expertise]

I am very sorry SammyJo. Be strong, draw strength from those around you. You will beat it.
Remember to live life every day.
I will keep a good thought in my heart for you.

 

[Jade]

Sammyjo you are back!
I am thrilled beyond belief!
((((((SAMMYJO))))))

Please stay
you are always in my thoughts.

Luv ya

 

[SimplySouthern]

Enigma~

I know that no mere words can help the hurt you feel in your heart. I won't tell you I know where you are coming from, because even though I (and others) may have lost a loved one very suddenly...the feelings and emotions are all very real and very different to each person. The only suggestion I can give you is to not let the death of your father be in vain. Don't let the pain you are feeling now happen to you again. Make sure that you take a few moments and tell everyone else that means something to you how much you love them and how much you appreicate their presence in your life. You never know, you may hear some of the same things in return.

After my father passed away, I made it a point to write a letter to one member of my family every week to tell them how much I loved them and all the great things about them. It seemed to really touch all of them, and in return, they have all began writing to one another. The first anniversary of his death is upon us, and although we are all very saddened still, I have to say that the realization that we are all loved and that we all know it has comforted us greatly.

This sharing of your feelings doesn't extend only to your immeidate family. I have found myself complimentary with friends and people I deal with only occassionally. It only takes a second, and people will remember it for a lifetime.

I seemed to have turned this, what began as a simple condolence, into a long rambling about how to be a better person, and for that I apologize. I am by no means any better than any of you here, I am just trying to warn people of the heartbreak that happens when you don't pay attention to things that you perceive to be "constants" in your life. Things truly can change in the blink of an eye and you are left to stand and wonder, with tears rolling down your cheeks, why you didn't say those things you needed to say.

 

[Enigma777]

Thank you all for your kind words of support.

I truly feel lucky that I happened to stumble into this little BB and meet people such as yourselves.

 

[ShyGuy68]

A few years back I lost my grandmom on my dads side. She went into surgery and it turned bad, and she never woke up after it.

I to this day still remember the last time I talked to her, and what we talked about. It was nothing special, but as always we enjoyed our little talk.

I don't think I ever told her that I loved her, we have never done that much in my family, just as I didn't grow up with getting hugged a lot, and had to learn that late in life.

I also remember the day of the memorial service for my grandmom. It was held in a chapel on a cementary, and when it was over I was one of the pallbearers, and helped carry her out into the hearse that was waiting outside, I still remember that her casket looked so small, and it was hard to understand she was in there. It was so hard to watch that car drive away, and know that I would never talk to her again. And once again that darn image about keeping a straight face came up, and I held my tears back.

A bit of advise, do cry when you need to, and don't hold back. If other people think you are weak because you're showing that you mourn over a lost loved one, well then they are jerks.


ShyGuy

 

[*Eve*]

I'm sorry to hear about that Enigma. I can imagine how hard it must have been for you. I was very close to my grandmother and when she dies a couple years ago, I felt the same way. I never got the chance to tell her how much I loved her, but I know that she knew and I'm sure that your father knew how much you loved him. Hang in there, you may never get over it but time will eventually heal the pain.

 

[Nexxus]

Dear E777,
My Mom died 13 years ago and it seems like yesterday. I was 24 at the time. I had a million chances to tell her how much I loved her and what she meant to me and I didn't do it. Too stupid, too stubborn, too much in denial...whatever. I agree with you 100%, don't put it off ever. It dosen't have to be a grand gesture (but your fishing trip idea was excellent!) but just make it count. I still can't live with my lack of compassion and will carry it to my grave.
My condolences to you and my best thoughts for healing a broken heart.

Nex

 

[Magic Merlin]

Silly, huh? At one time I might have thought so, but now? No, not really. Its funny in that the little things that might have seemed insignificant or silly at one time, suddenly become very poignant and meaningful after the loss of someone we love.

And the loss of a parent, the one person that was always there for us and loved us no matter what, is certainly one of lifes biggest challenges. One of the most amazing things about parents (at least to me) is how much and how unselfishly they can love their children. We can put them through all sorts of hell while we're growing up, yet they still love us through thick and thin. A parents love for their child is so amazing to me.

Enigma, you say you feel cheated because you never got to say the things to your father that you needed to before he passed on. That may be, but I don't think it to late. I am a scientist and have devoted most of my adult life to science in one way or another, so most people are very surprised when I make a statement such as that. They think I would be the one person that would not believe in such things as life after death, and other such spiritual matters. However, after a experience I had at my fathers death, I no longer have any doubt about such things.

My father had been at deaths door for a period of a few months so I was travelling over 600 miles every few weeks to spend time with him and my family because the doctors did not know how long he would remain with us. The weekend of his death, I had been visiting him and had decided to return home for a few days and come back the next weekend. I had returned to the airport, was at the gate with my ticket in my hand ready to board, when all of a sudden I "knew" I had to stay there and return to my parents house. Don't ask me why, as I was ready to go home, but I turned around and headed back to my be by my dad's side. When I got back to my parents home, everything was as it was when I left. My mom was in the living room with my sister and brother after just checking on my father about 15 minutes before I returned. I had only been home for a few minutes when we decided check on dad, and found that he had died within the last 15 minutes. Just the amount of time it had taken me to realize I needed to be home.

I know to this day that dad needed me to be at home with my mother and siblings, for all of us to be together at that moment. Its something I have no doubt about at all. He wanted me there and not on an airplane when he left. He "knew" that we all needed to be together at that time.

Just as I know that your father "knew" you loved him. If you loved him, then believe me he knew that.

I think most who have posted on this thread probably know that also.

****

SammyJo, you have been in my thoughts everyday and will continue to be. Please know that, dear. I give you my love.

SS, your sharing your story recently was of much comfort to me and I will be thinking of you also during this time. Bless you heart for your words to me.

Shyguy, you are so right when you say that if the tears come, let them and if people don't understand then their the jerks. Amen to that.

****
And to end this, all I can say is to tell the people that are still with you that you love them. It really can all end to quickly..

[Edited by Magic Merlin on 07-14-2000 at 05:58 PM]

 

[Mensa]

Boy when you said serious, you really meant it!

My dad died about three years ago. He'd been in failing health for some time so it wasn't really unexpected but it came as a shock all the same. He had heart problems, diabetes, kidney failure; you name it and he had it!

I'd been out that evening and came home while he was having his dialysis treatment. We discussed the hockey playoffs that were on at the time. I said goodnight and went to bed. About one in the morning I was awakened by this godawful crash. I could hear my mother calling out his name so I went to see what was wrong. I knew instictively that he was gone the moment I entered his room. I told my mother that I didn't think he was breathing and she nearly lost it then and there. To give her some hope I proceeded to give CPR but I knew it was futile. I kept it up til the paramedics arrived and took over.

I always felt guilty that inwardly I was glad he went quickly and with no pain. The doctors told us he'd had a massive heart attack and was dead before he hit the floor. I just wanted his pain to end and give him some relief. He'd mentioned more and more towards the end that he hated living hooked to a machine that it wasn't a life worth living. Still I feel guilt because I'd wished it and it happened. Silly, I know but there you have it!

My sympathies and prayers to all and may God bless.

 

[Thumper]

For those who wonder what might be...

Check this out....it gave me some answers and also gave me an idea on what questions I should ask....

http://www.georgeanderson.com/index.html

 

[Hullo_nurse]

Life is too short

Life is just too short. I see it every day. Reading this tonight has opened up the floodgates and I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face.

Tears for all those who did not get the chance to say goodbye...
Tears for those who did not get to make things right...
Tears for those who know their life is being stolen from them...
Tears of sadness, tears of joy that the suffering is finally over.

Today we had one of our patients die. She had been unconcious for days. Her devoted husband had spent 20hours a day at her bedside for the past week. As he leaned down to tell her he loved her and that it was ok for her to let go she opened her eyes and connected with his knowingly. A tear left the side of her eye as she took her last breath.

Life is too fucking short -- live each day as if there is no tomorrow... there may not be.

I feel for each and every one of you that has lost a loved one: parents, spouses, children. They will always and forever be in your heart and in your mind.

 

[Skitten]

I am very sorry to hear about your dad I can only imagine how hard this is on you, but always remember that you dad loved you. It is always hard for the ones that are left behind. Try taking strength in your family and friends and remember the good times you had with your dad keep those close to your heart and never forget that he is there with you in all that you do and what you accomplish in life he is always with you in spirit and in the things he taught you in life. So be strong and keep on going be the person that he always knew you could be do it for him as much as for yourself good luck to you and be happy take care. We are all with you.

 

[~justin]

for four years running now, someone i know has died.

it doesn't get any easier.

you have to try not to dwell on those "what ifs" and "if onlys," because they won't do anyone any good and, in fact, will only make you feel worse.

i don't know what it's like to be the other person, though *offers Sammyjo a warm fuzzy* i'm sure you already know this, but cherish the time that you have, and maybe you'll just keep on going. Stephen Hawking was given three years - he's had over fifteen now.