How/when did you know you were a Dom?

[lexi_88]

When did you consciously realized you were hard wired to be a Dom? What brings out your Dominance? Did you fight with yourself thinking it was wrong and dark? How did you start out?

I have just connected all of the dots that I am a submissive and discovered what BDSM actually is and involves. I had seen it in porn and knew certain things really turned me on and never understood why. Now that I understand the dynamics I am completely enamoured. I can't stop fantasizing and thinking about it all. It is beautiful, almost like a work of art between two people.

I ask the questions because I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. Looking back and in the present (now not denying/understanding myself) I have a inkling they may be a hidden Dom inside him wanting to come out. I also could be completely wrong and don't want to admit to myself that it would mean ending our relationship. Now that I have discovered what I am I understand what has been missing. I honestly feel like I've found myself.

At the same time I have never been much of a submissive to him other than during sex. We have actually done a lot of things I didn't understand were BDSM related. I just knew I really liked them. He unconsciously does a lot of things to me a Dom would do - he just doesn't take them very far.

How can I find out if he is Dominant? By acting much more submissive in daily life can I attempt to bring this out in him? I already am completely submissive when it comes to sex but should tell him I want to go further with it. I know I should just talk to him about it because communication is everything, especially in these types of relationships. I am very shy though and don't know how to bring it up.

Opinions?

 

[Scheherezade]

If it were me...

Communication between partners is a wonderful thing, and something you definitely want to cultivate -- especially if you do end up exploring BDSM. But I also understand where you're coming from, exploring new feelings that might be considered "beyond the pale" and being afraid how your partner might respond.

So, if it were me (and because you've indicated you think he may secretly have dominant tendencies)...I might buy a very erotic BDSM-themed book and "accidentally" leave it on my nightstand for a few nights -- especially if I was going to be away overnight. If you REALLY want to ensure he knows you're not just browsing, ear-mark the pages of some of the more "advanced" scenes that make you hot. And if you're wanting to tell him that you're interested in the idea of BDSM as a lifestyle and not just a sexual playground, earmark some of those passages as well. (As a thought, I'd stay away from using the "50 Shades" books, just because they're so popular these days. He might think it was given to you or that you're just reading it because it's trendy. Pick something less well-known and make sure it reflects what appeals to you. In fact, if you think he might take a while to get the hint, I might even make it a longer-running project and trade out books now and again, over the course of a few weeks or a month, or make sure he sees me reading one of them now and again.)

Chances are, eventually he'll notice and pick one of them up out of curiosity. If he's not into it he probably just won't mention anything at all. If he IS into it, he might either ask you about it or just "surprise" you one night. Assuming the latter, afterward would be a great time to talk about your desires in more depth and see how much you might be in tune with one another insofar as your desires.

The one other thing I will say is that I've found it's very hard to stay in a vanilla relationship once you've discovered that you're truly a submissive. Once you accept and give in to it, the need to be dominated can become rather all-consuming, and denying that need a nearly full-time occupation.

 

[blushingBrunett]

Hi
I'm in almost the same boat. I was just wondering about a specific aspect of your post. I've been with my husband just as long and am in fear that he won't accept this aspect of me ( wanting to be a sub) would you actually end the relationship if it didn't pan out....I've had the same thought but feel quilty rhat I would consider that extreme of an action

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

At the same time I have never been much of a submissive to him other than during sex. We have actually done a lot of things I didn't understand were BDSM related. I just knew I really liked them. He unconsciously does a lot of things to me a Dom would do - he just doesn't take them very far.

This sounds promising! Not being submissive in other parts of your life doesn't sound unusual to me. People I work with have actually dropped hints that they think I am a domme I can't imagine why. I am a total sub for my man, and him alone, and only in parts of our relationship. We totally respect each other, talk on the same level during normal conversations and make whatever decisions together that we can.

How can I find out if he is Dominant? By acting much more submissive in daily life can I attempt to bring this out in him?

Service submission is an option, if that is the way you want to go (serving him in more aspects of life than sex - lots of good posts on here, and blogs that are easy to google as well) but if you want to only keep it in the bedroom than I wouldn't suggest this route. Try things like placing his hand around your wrist and making him clasp it, then give him a meow and a kiss tell him you like it - tell him it feels good - tell him MORE!! that gets me hot!! Chances are he will love it, and will feel confident enough to take some steps on his own. As soon as you see those first steps, make your happiness known, and talk about it at your first opportunity after sex.

Good luck and enjoy

 

[TwoShades]

Its genesis was when I read Story of O years ago. Its slowly come out over the years since.

 

[sereneone4u]

See, now I read the Story of O and it horrified the hell out of me.
But yet I am a submissive.

 

[TwoShades]

See, now I read the Story of O and it horrified the hell out of me.
But yet I am a submissive.

Why did it horrify you?

 

[MsLead]

Why did it horrify you?

whats the story of o?

 

[TwoShades]

whats the story of o?

Story of O is an erotic novel published in 1954 about love, dominance and submission by French author Anne Desclos under the pen name Pauline Réage. Desclos did not reveal herself as the author for forty years after the initial publication.

 

[MsLead]

oh wow..long ago...hhmmm..ty!

 

[IrisAlthea]

When did you consciously realized you were hard wired to be a Dom? What brings out your Dominance? Did you fight with yourself thinking it was wrong and dark? How did you start out?

I have just connected all of the dots that I am a submissive and discovered what BDSM actually is and involves. I had seen it in porn and knew certain things really turned me on and never understood why. Now that I understand the dynamics I am completely enamoured. I can't stop fantasizing and thinking about it all. It is beautiful, almost like a work of art between two people.

I ask the questions because I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. Looking back and in the present (now not denying/understanding myself) I have a inkling they may be a hidden Dom inside him wanting to come out. I also could be completely wrong and don't want to admit to myself that it would mean ending our relationship. Now that I have discovered what I am I understand what has been missing. I honestly feel like I've found myself.

At the same time I have never been much of a submissive to him other than during sex. We have actually done a lot of things I didn't understand were BDSM related. I just knew I really liked them. He unconsciously does a lot of things to me a Dom would do - he just doesn't take them very far.

How can I find out if he is Dominant? By acting much more submissive in daily life can I attempt to bring this out in him? I already am completely submissive when it comes to sex but should tell him I want to go further with it. I know I should just talk to him about it because communication is everything, especially in these types of relationships. I am very shy though and don't know how to bring it up.

Opinions?

I don't know what dots you have connected or how or what kind of dynamics you are thinking about.
The way I see it every relationship has it's own set of dynamics. Changing the dynamics might of course risk the relationship but time and life will change them anyway.
From your post, there seems to be a dynamic you like in the relationship already, so why not start there and tell him about some of the things you really like and ask if you could do more of that?
Tell him about the things that made you connect dots and see what he thinks about it.

 

[lexi_88]

Sorry I disappeared there...

I ended up telling him the beginning of what I am into. Actually, I completely dived in. I asked him if he could ever hurt me physically if he knew it turned me on and he said no. We had some long, frank discussions about our relationship that all resulted in "we need to break up." I found out he wants me to be more Dominant!!! I tried acting very submissive in our daily lives and all it got me was feeling like I was giving 100% to something and not getting anything back. My emotional needs are not being met.

It's sad because the physical sex is amazing with him. I don't even need the extras when it comes to that (though I'm dying to explore them.. ) It is the emotional side, the power dynamic, the lack of ANY dynamic in our relationship that is really hurting my soul. I feel unnoticed, uncared for and sad. There is no fun or romance.

When asked if it came to this would I leave him, the answer is yes. I need to find someone who truly appreciates all I have to offer them as a trusting and dedicated submissive. They are out there somewhere. For now I have to break the heart of the man who loves me all well knowing he will never forgive me and harbour much spite. I need to be selfish and do what is right for myself though. It's hard because being a natural submissive I want to do everything to please your partner but being selfish is the only thing that is left to do in this situation. I've tried to suppress these needs for too long and now that they have been realized there is no turning back. I have such a desire to explore this side of myself that it is like an addiction.

I've never broken up with someone in a long term relationship before.
Does anyone have any advice on the best way to do this?
We have broken up several times in the last week or so but in the end we just ignore the conclusion we have come to and he tried to pretend everything is okay when it's not. I don't want to lose him completely out of my life, but I need to do this for myself.

 

[simonlilith]

Sorry I disappeared there...

I ended up telling him the beginning of what I am into. Actually, I completely dived in. I asked him if he could ever hurt me physically if he knew it turned me on and he said no. We had some long, frank discussions about our relationship that all resulted in "we need to break up." I found out he wants me to be more Dominant!!! I tried acting very submissive in our daily lives and all it got me was feeling like I was giving 100% to something and not getting anything back. My emotional needs are not being met.

It's sad because the physical sex is amazing with him. I don't even need the extras when it comes to that (though I'm dying to explore them.. ) It is the emotional side, the power dynamic, the lack of ANY dynamic in our relationship that is really hurting my soul. I feel unnoticed, uncared for and sad. There is no fun or romance.

When asked if it came to this would I leave him, the answer is yes. I need to find someone who truly appreciates all I have to offer them as a trusting and dedicated submissive. They are out there somewhere. For now I have to break the heart of the man who loves me all well knowing he will never forgive me and harbour much spite. I need to be selfish and do what is right for myself though. It's hard because being a natural submissive I want to do everything to please your partner but being selfish is the only thing that is left to do in this situation. I've tried to suppress these needs for too long and now that they have been realized there is no turning back. I have such a desire to explore this side of myself that it is like an addiction.

I've never broken up with someone in a long term relationship before.
Does anyone have any advice on the best way to do this?
We have broken up several times in the last week or so but in the end we just ignore the conclusion we have come to and he tried to pretend everything is okay when it's not. I don't want to lose him completely out of my life, but I need to do this for myself.

Lexi,

I'd just like to say, I'm sorry things didn't work out - but, at the end of the day you MUST be true to yourself.

When you're with the right person and confide your secret desires, someone who truly loves you will do whatever it takes to make you happy.

I'm in the same sort of situation you are in, only on the other side. My significant other revealed her submissive side to me and asked the same question you asked of your lover: "Will you hurt me if I ask you to?"

My answer was "Yes" - not because I'm a natural dominant (I'm not), but because this is what the person I love needs to feel fulfilled.

You'll find somebody, just have faith and don't look back.

Simon

 

[drinkz]

If Query put as much effort into real life as he does trolling, maybe he would still have a marriage.

 

[KlaytonFrost]

It was a fairly slow process. I think I always knew on some level, but it took a long time for me to accept that it wasn't sick or wrong, and even longer to find other people who were like me, and who had complimentary desires.

Still, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that it was absolutely worth the journey.

 

[lexi_88]

Thank you for all of your advice and kind words, I really appreciate it.

I have a very happy update for everyone.

I broke up with him seriously, for good. We cried and talked for hours and hours until we were both exhausted. We got a lot of things on the table that we had been struggling with communicating from the times we tried to break up before. He told me if I couldn't communicate to him what I needed, how was he ever supposed to know if he could be that for me. A valid point and an indication our relationship clearly had communication problems. I would always talk to him about issues but it really hard for me to bear my whole soul intimately to him even after 7 years.

We went to bed that night so upset and I felt this horrible emptiness inside of my heart. I thought I should feel liberated, free and scared. Not like I was dying. He sat up and bed and told me "fuck it. You wan't someone to Dominate you, the first thing I'm going to do is not allow you to break up with me. You are not allowed to break up with me until you tell me every little thing you want from a relationship no matter how fucked up you think it is or much you think I will judge you. If I know that I can't be that for you then it is only fair to let you go because I want you to be happy. But if I can be that for you there is no way in hell I am losing you."

Then he hugged me and I started crying and shaking and felt this amazing relief wash over me. He grabbed my neck with his hand, put my other hand behind my back and told me he was going to fuck me hard. He bit my neck all over hard enough to leave very visible bruises, twisted my nipples painfully and fucked my brains out Dominantly. This from the man who said he could never hurt me even if I liked it.

Now he keeps doing Dom like things. That night he told me to eat something and I knew I should but I said no. He grabbed my wrists behind my waist, threw me into the kitchen and forced me to eat strawberries from his hand. Last night we had sex exactly like I wanted. We had a playful power dynamic. I kept saying no to things to test him and he kept asserting his Dominance over me. I just whimpered "okay" every time he pushed though my boundaries, but what I really wanted to say was "yes Sir." He slapped my ass so hard during sex with my hands behind my back that it was a deepening pink. He grabbed his hand in my hair and force fucked my face until I was gagging and gasping for air. After it was over he degraded me by calling me a good little whore. All I could do was thank him.

Now he keeps telling me ever since I broke up with him he feels alive. He seems happier than ever. Dominant and in control. I sure know I am ridiculously happy. Just minutes ago I was teasing him about a low cut shirt I was going to wear and he shot me a Dom look that went straight to my panties. I have been waiting for that warning look for years.

I really hope this continues and I really hope it can grow and flourish into us learning about this lifestyle forever. I am hopeful I awakened something in him that he wants to explore. If for some reason it does not go where we need it to at least I can walk away knowing we did everything we possibly could to make it work. I really want it to work.

 

[simonlilith]

Good for you, kiddo

 

[Backdoorwhore]

That is so awesome!!

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Hot!
I love a story with a happy ending... errrrr... beginning? middle?? ...
Happy for you!