How To...

[Aellio]

How do you cope with a loved one in jail?
How do you cope with disapproving parents?
How do you cope with school and work at a time like this?

My recent boyfriend, has gone to jail. We started dating rather recently, but we've already had sex. Maybe not the best idea in the world and the first time it was scary as we didn't have protection and he just pulled out. Thus me having to buy Plan B and take that, and pray that I won't be pregnant. Second time it was less worrisome because well, we had protection. Car sex is not comfortable though
Perhaps we're moving too fast, but this is a vent post.
He deals with bi-polar disorder and maniac depression. He was in a mental hospital/housing a few months ago. While he was there he didn't take his med and broke a nurse's fingers in an episode. It was a mistake. One he will not be repeating. However he has to pay the price for his crime, he knows this.
On Thursday he got his sentence, 30 days, 23 if on good behavior. He's going to miss Thanksgiving

 

[SweetErika]

This is a joke, right? I certainly hope so, but on the off-chance that it's not, I'll give you my best advice:

How do you cope with a loved one in jail?

I don't, personally. I make a conscious choice to be around people who behave well and don't put themselves in situations that could send them to jail.

Why are you choosing to associate with someone who has gotten himself sent to jail?

How do you cope with disapproving parents?

Given the situation, don't you think your parents have every reason in the world to disapprove? And maybe, just maybe, it'd be smart of you to take their concerns to heart and follow their advice on this one?

It's not like your parents are disapproving of you wearing a short skirt or not going to church. They're disapproving of you making awful decisions in terms of what you do and who you're spending your time with (a mentally ill, noncompliant, violent criminal). And they're right - what kind of parent would approve of their child spending any time with such a person? Hopefully you have the good sense to take their perspective to heart and make better decisions so you don't get sucked down with the jailbird.

How do you cope with school and work at a time like this?

You just do. What can you do that's constructive? Maybe this is a good time for you to reevaluate your choices and get back on track?

My recent boyfriend, has gone to jail. We started dating rather recently, but we've already had sex. Maybe not the best idea in the world and the first time it was scary as we didn't have protection and he just pulled out. Thus me having to buy Plan B and take that, and pray that I won't be pregnant. Second time it was less worrisome because well, we had protection. Car sex is not comfortable though
Perhaps we're moving too fast, but this is a vent post.

It sounds like you know you're making very poor choices, which is encouraging. Listen to that part of you that says you need to make better decisions, then follow through on those. Have you thought about how you can do that?

He deals with bi-polar disorder and maniac depression. He was in a mental hospital/housing a few months ago. While he was there he didn't take his med and broke a nurse's fingers in an episode. It was a mistake. One he will not be repeating. However he has to pay the price for his crime, he knows this.
On Thursday he got his sentence, 30 days, 23 if on good behavior. He's going to miss Thanksgiving

I'm sorry, but I'm unable to figure out why you're worried about a guy who BROKE A NURSE'S FINGERS missing Thanksgiving. Aren't you terribly worried about spending time (and possibly getting pregnant) with someone who is likely to go off his psych meds and may very well break your bones, seriously harm or kill you?

Maybe you should be thankful for this opportunity to get away from the violent mental patient and start making more mature, rational decisions. If this is teen rebellion, go get yourself pierced, wear freaky clothes or a weird hairstyle, play loud music, or do something else that won't impact the rest of your life or get you hurt or killed. Yes, it's that serious.

Stop worrying about this loser and start taking good care of yourself. You deserve it.

 

[Aellio]

This is a joke, right? I certainly hope so, but on the off-chance that it's not, I'll give you my best advice:

I don't, personally. I make a conscious choice to be around people who behave well and don't put themselves in situations that could send them to jail.

Why are you choosing to associate with someone who has gotten himself sent to jail?

Well Erika, that is a very interesting opinion and question. While I agree for the most part about not being around people whose activities could get them sent to jail, I do think sometimes mistakes happen. Take a car accident.. you could get jailed for that, yes its your fault but I'd forgive that person. And No. Its not a joke.

Given the situation, don't you think your parents have every reason in the world to disapprove? And maybe, just maybe, it'd be smart of you to take their concerns to heart and follow their advice on this one?

It's not like your parents are disapproving of you wearing a short skirt or not going to church. They're disapproving of you making awful decisions in terms of what you do and who you're spending your time with (a mentally ill, noncompliant, violent criminal). And they're right - what kind of parent would approve of their child spending any time with such a person? Hopefully you have the good sense to take their perspective to heart and make better decisions so you don't get sucked down with the jailbird.

I certainly understand where my parents are coming from with their disapproval. I certainly understand where you are coming from with your disapproval as well. I'm 19 however. I believe I have to right to date whom I want. I don't want to take their advice. My heart would break. His heart would break. Plus what can really happen while he's in jail? He can't get in that much more trouble honestly. I think we need to talk in person about this later on.

It is certainly not his fault however that he is mentally ill. And he complied.. unless you missed something. He is WILLING to serve the time. We just were not expecting jail time for him. He is NOT a jail bird unless the meaning of that word has changed to mean someone who breaks out of jail.

You just do. What can you do that's constructive? Maybe this is a good time for you to reevaluate your choices and get back on track?


It sounds like you know you're making very poor choices, which is encouraging. Listen to that part of you that says you need to make better decisions, then follow through on those. Have you thought about how you can do that?

I'm in school. I work. I'm trying to do NaNoWriMo.. but I have no story.. I have no plot ideas. Its hard to concentrate on anyone thing right now. Even reading and writing aren't calming me down like normal.

I've never been good at making GOOD choices all the time and especially following through with them. Like I'm overweight. I know I SHOULD diet/exsercise or make some sort of plan to loose weight. I don't. Even when I have a plan I have trouble sticking to it.

I'm sorry, but I'm unable to figure out why you're worried about a guy who BROKE A NURSE'S FINGERS missing Thanksgiving. Aren't you terribly worried about spending time (and possibly getting pregnant) with someone who is likely to go off his psych meds and may very well break your bones, seriously harm or kill you?

Maybe you should be thankful for this opportunity to get away from the violent mental patient and start making more mature, rational decisions. If this is teen rebellion, go get yourself pierced, wear freaky clothes or a weird hairstyle, play loud music, or do something else that won't impact the rest of your life or get you hurt or killed. Yes, it's that serious.

Stop worrying about this loser and start taking good care of yourself. You deserve it.

I'm worried about it because I'm selfish okay.. there happy. I wanted him to spend Thanksgiving with me and my family. And no I'm not too worried about spending time with HIM. His friends, at times I am a bit spooked around, but that's because mostly I don't know them that well. He has sworn not to go off his meds again. It was a mistake. Humans make mistakes. Whats the point of forgiveness otherwise?

Maybe it is teen rebellion. I already have my ears double pierced, done the highlights with my hair.. and I'm a bit old for a true teen rebellion.. or at least like the one you suggested. That's more up to my 16 year old sister. I'm so tired of being pressured to follow my parents advice all the time. First they caught me cybering and demanded I stop that, because I still live under their roof. And they have complained about me not going to church. And wearing to short a skirt. Okay. I'm sick and tired of everyone else making my choices for me.

 

[JuanVato]

I fear for you.
What happens if he breaks yours or (if-when) you have children's fingers or worse?

 

[Aellio]

I fear for you.
What happens if he breaks yours or (if-when) you have children's fingers or worse?

As long as he takes his meds he won't do that again. Yes its something I'll have to deal with. It might be something to worry about in the future. I'm not seeing him for 23 days. We're going to be writing each other and maybe we can deal with some of those questions in the letters.

 

[JuanVato]

fear

I sure hope he stays on the meds.

 

[SweetErika]

Well Erika, that is a very interesting opinion and question. While I agree for the most part about not being around people whose activities could get them sent to jail, I do think sometimes mistakes happen. Take a car accident.. you could get jailed for that, yes its your fault but I'd forgive that person. And No. Its not a joke.

People aren't jailed for car accidents. They're jailed for things like reckless driving, DUI and hit-and-run. None of those acts are accidents for the offenders; they're all the result of bad choices. There's a world of difference between being the victim of an accident and a perpetrator of criminal activity, unethical behavior, etc.

I certainly understand where my parents are coming from with their disapproval. I certainly understand where you are coming from with your disapproval as well. I'm 19 however. I believe I have to right to date whom I want. I don't want to take their advice. My heart would break. His heart would break.

Your heart won't break. Like you said, you're 19 and have been seeing this guy for a short time. You'll get over it just fine, I promise.

You certainly can date whomever you want, but there are definite consequences for making bad choices in that (or any) arena. Why would you make a bad choice just to suffer the consequences when you can make a good one and reap the benefits? When you look at it that way, it's kind of a no-brainer, isn't it? (BTW, I'm speaking from experience here. When I was about your age I made a conscious decision to stop screwing around with losers and start dating someone who was a really good guy, responsible, caring, etc. I've never, ever regretted that decision. The good guy I ditched the bad boys for is an exceptional husband and father.

Plus what can really happen while he's in jail? He can't get in that much more trouble honestly. I think we need to talk in person about this later on.

He could get into fights, hurt or be hurt, go crazy, pick up criminal knowledge, make bad associates, get infected with something, have time added to his sentence.

It is certainly not his fault however that he is mentally ill. And he complied.. unless you missed something. He is WILLING to serve the time.

No, he's not choosing to be mentally ill. He does choose how he deals with his illnesses, however. You said he broke the nurses fingers because he didn't comply with his medication orders. Both of those things were choices.

We just were not expecting jail time for him.

Why not? He seriously hurt someone who was trying to help him and that could impact the victim's life and career forever. He should get jail time.

He is NOT a jail bird unless the meaning of that word has changed to mean someone who breaks out of jail.

I've always defined it as someone who's in jail, though I could be wrong on that definition.

I'm in school. I work. I'm trying to do NaNoWriMo.. but I have no story.. I have no plot ideas. Its hard to concentrate on anyone thing right now. Even reading and writing aren't calming me down like normal.

Good for you. What else can you channel your energy into? Are there healthy things that require little or no concentration and/or would distract you?

I've never been good at making GOOD choices all the time and especially following through with them. Like I'm overweight. I know I SHOULD diet/exsercise or make some sort of plan to loose weight. I don't. Even when I have a plan I have trouble sticking to it.

I hear you on the losing weight thing; it's really hard for me for a number of reasons.

But that, and everything else, doesn't mean you can't start making good choices now. Making good decisions is a skill, and you'll have to work at it. Maybe it'd be useful to get some support in growing in this area? For instance, are there people around you who generally make good decisions that you can use as a sounding board/reality check? Could you practice listening to your intuition more?

I'm worried about it because I'm selfish okay.. there happy. I wanted him to spend Thanksgiving with me and my family.

No, I'm not happy at all. I find this whole situation very sad because you seem like a highly intelligent young woman with a lot of promise and a good family who's attempting to flush her life down the toilet. That sucks.

Please try to remember that I'm trying to help you, not judge you or make your feel bad, or anything else of the sort. That's likely the case for anyone else who responds as well.

And no I'm not too worried about spending time with HIM. His friends, at times I am a bit spooked around, but that's because mostly I don't know them that well.

This would be a good time to start listening very carefully to your intuition. You shouldn't be worried about him or his friends AT ALL.

He has sworn not to go off his meds again. It was a mistake. Humans make mistakes. Whats the point of forgiveness otherwise?

Well, the point of forgiveness is to release the people affected by the behavior from a life of anger, in my mind. It's not to release the person who made a mistake or did wrong or make things right.

I'm so tired of being pressured to follow my parents advice all the time. First they caught me cybering and demanded I stop that, because I still live under their roof. And they have complained about me not going to church. And wearing to short a skirt. Okay. I'm sick and tired of everyone else making my choices for me.

So, follow your own advice, as long as your making good decisions. Take ownership of doing the right thing so you can do what's good for you, rather than doing what your parents want (though it'll probably be the same most of the time).

I hate to tell you, but if you live under their roof, you're obligated to follow their rules. I know it sucks sometimes (maybe a lot?), and I bet you know it's just the price you have to pay. Ultimately though, it's a hell of a deal compared to, say, living with your mentally ill convicted boyfriend, maybe getting knocked up and trying (and probably failing) to make ends meet with no support. Enjoy the freedom living with your parents affords while you can. I know that sounds weird, but it's reality.

 

[glynndah]

If he's not taking his medication while he's in a mental hospital, do you really expect him to take them when he's out on his own?

 

[Aellio]

People aren't jailed for car accidents. They're jailed for things like reckless driving, DUI and hit-and-run. None of those acts are accidents for the offenders; they're all the result of bad choices. There's a world of difference between being the victim of an accident and a perpetrator of criminal activity, unethical behavior, etc.

Okay, so Jail isn't that great. No. But why can't I give him a second chance? If everyone who went to jail for even brief periods of time got no second chances wouldn't that be horrible? If you had done something bad, recognized it, wouldn't you want a second chance? Especially from the one you are with??

Your heart won't break. Like you said, you're 19 and have been seeing this guy for a short time. You'll get over it just fine, I promise.

I shared my virginity with him. I had sex with him. How can I let him go? How can it not break my heart? How would another guy take it, especially considering my Christian parents? It sure feels like it will break.... I have an fear of being lonely. I deal with depression. I don't know how to cope. I dated a guy for 6 months before him. My heart's already been broken. Why should I have to go through that again?

You certainly can date whomever you want, but there are definite consequences for making bad choices in that (or any) arena. Why would you make a bad choice just to suffer the consequences when you can make a good one and reap the benefits? When you look at it that way, it's kind of a no-brainer, isn't it? (BTW, I'm speaking from experience here. When I was about your age I made a conscious decision to stop screwing around with losers and start dating someone who was a really good guy, responsible, caring, etc. I've never, ever regretted that decision. The good guy I ditched the bad boys for is an exceptional husband and father.

I'm sick of looking at consequences and benefits.. as you call them. I'm sick of always seeming to have to make the "right" choice. Maybe its not what I want to do .. I guess that's life. But I'm sick of my parents judging me. I'm sick of their religion controlling me. I'm sick of always being nice. I'm sick of always being good. I'm sick of not being able to make my own choices. I'm sick of hearing about other people's lives (no offense). I'm sick of learning from the past and I want to learn myself. I'm sick of not having a typical teenage experience due to being home-schooled, I'm sick of all my friends having to be from the church :/

He could get into fights, hurt or be hurt, go crazy, pick up criminal knowledge, make bad associates, get infected with something, have time added to his sentence.

How do you know that stuff WON'T happen either?

No, he's not choosing to be mentally ill. He does choose how he deals with his illnesses, however. You said he broke the nurses fingers because he didn't comply with his medication orders. Both of those things were choices.

I'm not sure if anything like finances or accidently getting/taking the wrong pill had anything to do with it however. I'm going to ask him though.

Why not? He seriously hurt someone who was trying to help him and that could impact the victim's life and career forever. He should get jail time.

I've always defined it as someone who's in jail, though I could be wrong on that definition.

Good for you. What else can you channel your energy into? Are there healthy things that require little or no concentration and/or would distract you?

Long story short the judge "owed" his family a favor. Plus due to his conditions, yes, even some of his "people" were expecting less of a sentence. I'm not saying its not fair. Just saying that jail was the worst case sentence.

Well I define it a different way and request you control yourself from calling him a "jailbird" for now.

I dunno. Its hard to think of things. When you are busy with school and work you just want to sleep or play video games or relax. Plus you can only wash dishes and clean your room so many times.

I hear you on the losing weight thing; it's really hard for me for a number of reasons.

But that, and everything else, doesn't mean you can't start making good choices now. Making good decisions is a skill, and you'll have to work at it. Maybe it'd be useful to get some support in growing in this area? For instance, are there people around you who generally make good decisions that you can use as a sounding board/reality check? Could you practice listening to your intuition more?

Maybe I'm lazy and don't want to work on it. I'm selfish like i said. I've always had that support sort of, in the church, but all their descions are bible based and I'm tired of that. I just want to give up.

No, I'm not happy at all. I find this whole situation very sad because you seem like a highly intelligent young woman with a lot of promise and a good family who's attempting to flush her life down the toilet. That sucks.

Please try to remember that I'm trying to help you, not judge you or make your feel bad, or anything else of the sort. That's likely the case for anyone else who responds as well.

This would be a good time to start listening very carefully to your intuition. You shouldn't be worried about him or his friends AT ALL.

I feel bad anyway. I feel judged anyway. I feel unwanted anyway. I feel left behind. I feel depressed. I feel a lot of things. I've learned through counseling that listening to my emotions isn't always the best thing to do, as I let them get carried away. That's what I'm afraid of in part too. That what I feel is simply controlling the situation in one way or another and I'm to blind to see it. Blinded by love perhaps or blinded by a need not to be alone.

And you don't ever worry about people you just met?? If I applied that advice to work it wouldn't go so well

Well, the point of forgiveness is to release the people affected by the behavior from a life of anger, in my mind. It's not to release the person who made a mistake or did wrong or make things right.

I agree in part. But what about mercy? What about promises? What about ME? Can't I matter for once? Can't what I WANT win?

So, follow your own advice, as long as your making good decisions. Take ownership of doing the right thing so you can do what's good for you, rather than doing what your parents want (though it'll probably be the same most of the time).

I hate to tell you, but if you live under their roof, you're obligated to follow their rules. I know it sucks sometimes (maybe a lot?), and I bet you know it's just the price you have to pay. Ultimately though, it's a hell of a deal compared to, say, living with your mentally ill convicted boyfriend, maybe getting knocked up and trying (and probably failing) to make ends meet with no support. Enjoy the freedom living with your parents affords while you can. I know that sounds weird, but it's reality.

Why do I have to make "GOOD" decisions? I've always felt like my parents have any ownership in anything "right" I do. So maybe that's a problem. Why does it always have to be so much about the future? I'm so scared about it. But it will be over before I know it.

I know that. I know I'm lucky in someways. Its just really hard to see it when you have to deal with controlling parents, judging siblings, and no one who likes to hug or cuddle me like I feel like I need.... I miss him so much....

 

[SweetErika]

Okay, so Jail isn't that great. No. But why can't I give him a second chance? If everyone who went to jail for even brief periods of time got no second chances wouldn't that be horrible? If you had done something bad, recognized it, wouldn't you want a second chance? Especially from the one you are with??

I'm going to guess that this guy has had plenty of chances from many people in his life. If he's a bad apple, he's probably had far too many chances.

Either way, it's not your responsibility to give him more chances. It is your responsibility to make the best possible decisions for your own life.

I shared my virginity with him. I had sex with him. How can I let him go? How can it not break my heart? How would another guy take it, especially considering my Christian parents? It sure feels like it will break.... I have an fear of being lonely. I deal with depression. I don't know how to cope. I dated a guy for 6 months before him. My heart's already been broken. Why should I have to go through that again?

I hear you. And trust me when I say I've been there (except for the religious parents). I don't know what to tell you other than you need to have faith in yourself that you WILL get over losses and changes, no matter how big they may seem at the time. We've all had first loves and lost our virginity to people who are long gone for most of us. It feels like a loss at the time in many cases, but we survive and grow from the experience.

The right guy(s) for you will take you not being a virgin just fine. You don't want anyone who judges you based on that, honey, and your best matches will probably be excited that you have some experience. Now is a good time in your life to explore your possibilities safely and sanely. Go out on dates with different people so you can figure out who you're truly looking for eventually. And, yes, explore intimacy with those who deserve your trust, caring/love (whatever works for you), commitment and will always put your physical and emotional safety first.

How are you dealing with the depression? Do you think it's affecting your ability to make healthy choices regarding your associations and relationships? Are you being properly medicated and/or getting secular cognitive behavior therapy? (Or not; I just think the less bias the better, since you pretty much already know what the churchy types think). If not, could you talk to your parents about supporting you in doing those things?

I'm sick of looking at consequences and benefits.. as you call them. I'm sick of always seeming to have to make the "right" choice. Maybe its not what I want to do .. I guess that's life. But I'm sick of my parents judging me. I'm sick of their religion controlling me. I'm sick of always being nice. I'm sick of always being good. I'm sick of not being able to make my own choices. I'm sick of hearing about other people's lives (no offense). I'm sick of learning from the past and I want to learn myself. I'm sick of not having a typical teenage experience due to being home-schooled, I'm sick of all my friends having to be from the church :/

I'm sorry for you bad experiences.

Are you sure you're not overstating, though? It seems like you're making your own decisions, saying what's on your mind, making your own choices and learning yourself, from what you've said. I'm just not sure why you're not applying stuff like making your own decisions to things like making your own high quality friends in places besides church, and not letting religion control you. Like if you really want religion in your life, why not check out a bunch of different ones and find what suits you best at this point? I've had some friends that had to go to church while living at home, but their parents were open to them going to a different church (well, as long as it wasn't like Satanism, or something). I can think of several religions that are Christian-based without being pushy, negative or unrealistic. Something like that that supports you in your positive endeavors, allows you to meet like-minded people and satisfies [your and/or your parents'] needs for some sort of organized religion might just be worth a shot. Or maybe it'd be OK for you to practice your brand of faith privately?

How do you know that stuff WON'T happen either?

I don't know what's going to happen to him in jail, but you asked how much worse it could get, and I answered. Jail is hardly rehabilitative for most people; most criminals come out worse for the wear.

I'm not sure if anything like finances or accidently getting/taking the wrong pill had anything to do with it however. I'm going to ask him though.

Good plan. When you ask, I'd suggest an open-ended question, rather than suggesting potential excuses.

I feel bad anyway. I feel judged anyway. I feel unwanted anyway. I feel left behind. I feel depressed. I feel a lot of things. I've learned through counseling that listening to my emotions isn't always the best thing to do, as I let them get carried away. That's what I'm afraid of in part too. That what I feel is simply controlling the situation in one way or another and I'm to blind to see it. Blinded by love perhaps or blinded by a need not to be alone.

FWIW, I don't think listening to your intuition and letting your emotions rule are the same thing at all. Intuition is logical, not emotional, though it can appear to be a feeling. I see flecks of intuition in your posts and it's entirely logical and wise to heed. Maybe distinguishing between emotions and intuition would be a valuable thing to discuss in counseling?

I agree in part. But what about mercy? What about promises? What about ME? Can't I matter for once? Can't what I WANT win?

Actions speak way louder than words. Look for patterns and types of behavior, rather than promises. Keep your eyes wide open for red flags.

Who says you don't matter? Don't listen to anyone who says that because it's simply not true.

I'm guessing you want true love (which doesn't happen virtually overnight), someone who treats you and others incredibly well, positive attention, affection, intimacy, time together, intelligence, and the other things most of us want. What you truly want can win if you put in some effort and let it.

Why do I have to make "GOOD" decisions? I've always felt like my parents have any ownership in anything "right" I do. So maybe that's a problem. Why does it always have to be so much about the future? I'm so scared about it. But it will be over before I know it.

It sounds like you're onto some important thoughts here. Hopefully, you'll continue to explore them at length.

I'd imagine you want to make the best decisions possible because that'll lead to growth and long-term happiness. I'm having trouble imagining why you'd want to make bad decisions; it sounds pretty silly when it's phrased that way, don't you think?

I know that. I know I'm lucky in someways. Its just really hard to see it when you have to deal with controlling parents, judging siblings, and no one who likes to hug or cuddle me like I feel like I need.... I miss him so much....

This is really worth looking at closely as well. It's remarkably easy to jump into and stay in the wrong arms when those are the only arms giving you anything resembling what you need. I know this from experience, unfortunately.

Anyway, you'd do well to seriously consider the possibility that you're with, and likely inappropriately attached, to this guy because he's giving you the only affection and positive attention you get. IOW, you might just be taking whatever you can, even if the source of that is really bad for you. I just hope you know you can drink, and be even more satisfied with what you get, from a different well.

 

[CWatson]

Why do I have to make "GOOD" decisions?

Because it beats the alternative!

There are a lot of reasons for you to feel the way you do--to feel that it's worth it to throw everything away just for a little freedom. Please do not think I'm talking down to you. I've been where you are.

First off, you have not reached a high level of emotional maturity. That has nothing to do with being 19 years old; maturity doesn't correlate with age. It correlates with 1) life experience and 2) learning from mistakes, the latter of which is (obviously) something you have to choose to do, and why there are so many 50-year-old idiots in the world. Whatever the case, you don't have a lot of maturity at the moment.

This in itself is not a problem. Nobody is born wise, and your parents (in their infinite Christian wisdom) think stupidity is the same as ignorance and have conspired to keep you in both states as much as they can. They are your second problem.

How did I end up here?--you sound almost exactly like my ex-fiancée. She too was home-schooled in a conservative-Christian home for most of her life, and when she got into college she was two years younger than her classmates. Her parents were extremely controlling and had absolutely no interest in treating her like anything but chattel--a knick-knack they could put on the mantelpiece. And, just as you would be confused if (say) your desk got up and tried to walk out the door, so were her parents confused when she did. Also, they were angry, but that's another matter. She was desperately lonely, almost suicidal, and when someone--anyone--me--showed up who was willing to be kind to her, she fell for that person head over heels. It didn't matter that he wasn't a Christian, that he was willing to make decisions that were completely contrary to what she would; what she needed was love and acceptance and self-confidence, and he was willing to give that. (Of course, then we fell in love, and it did start to matter. I was a phase, basically, and I'm fine with that. I hope that some of it stuck, and that she has the strength now to make good decisions even when they involve hurting her parents.)

And your third problem? You're in love. You're wearing rose-colored glasses. It can be hard to be objective in the best of times; that's not how God wired our brains. It's even harder when you're in love, which is best described from a neurological standpoint as a form of voluntary insanity.

But that is exactly the point. It sounds ridiculous, and maybe it is offensive, but this is what everybody is saying to you thus far and what I echo: you should not trust your own judgment right now. It is impaired, for the reasons I have just described. You are young, you are desperate, and you are in love. This is not a good place to be making life-changing decisions from.

You want to go your own way. You want to make your own decisions. You want to be your own person. This is applaudable. But I beg you: consider the person you are becoming. Is a little freedom really worth your dignity, sanity and life? You are falling in with a bad crowd. There are other ways. There are better ways. Start exercising. Join a book club. Take a creative writing class at your local community college. Learn ballroom dancing. All of these will give you social outlets and chances to meet people who 1) are worthy dates, and 2) are not on anti-psychotic medication.

Please. I'm concerned that the next time your parents hear from you, it'll be because the police just dredged your body up from a ditch. If that's the path you want to take, well, we can't stop you... But if you seriously sit down at your computer and write that taking that path is not a mistake, you will be a liar and you know it.

 

[fuckmeat]

Well Erika, that is a very interesting opinion and question. While I agree for the most part about not being around people whose activities could get them sent to jail, I do think sometimes mistakes happen. Take a car accident.. you could get jailed for that, yes its your fault but I'd forgive that person. And No. Its not a joke.

There's nothing wrong with forgiving him. What you must avoid doing is excusing him. It's a good thing that he's willing about going to jail and acknowledges that he did something very wrong. On the other hand, he still neglected himself and stopped taking his meds in the first place, leading him to lash out violently at someone who was there to care for him and put his own best interests first even if he didn't want to. This could well be you in the future. Have you discussed with him why he stopped taking his meds? What makes you think it won't happen again?

I certainly understand where my parents are coming from with their disapproval. I certainly understand where you are coming from with your disapproval as well. I'm 19 however. I believe I have to right to date whom I want. I don't want to take their advice. My heart would break. His heart would break. Plus what can really happen while he's in jail? He can't get in that much more trouble honestly. I think we need to talk in person about this later on.

You have the right to date who you want but making bad choices for yourself just gives your parents justification for controlling your life. I'm not telling you to ditch the guy but at the same time, you have to acknowledge that in this case, your parents do have a point. If you are mature enough to agree with them that you are at risk with this guy and you do need to be careful, they may feel less like you're being stupid just to piss them off. You can meet them halfway without letting them control you.

It is certainly not his fault however that he is mentally ill. And he complied.. unless you missed something. He is WILLING to serve the time. We just were not expecting jail time for him. He is NOT a jail bird unless the meaning of that word has changed to mean someone who breaks out of jail.

It his not his fault he's bipolar. Neglecting himself and not taking his meds however, that is his fault. You cannot reasonably have a relationship in the long term with someone who spits his dummy out and quits taking care of himself every time he's depressed. You have said that he 'can't get into any more trouble' too, which suggests to me that this isn't the first time he's done something criminally stupid. You cannot take responsibility for a guy who refuses to look after himself, or next time it will be you with broken bones and not the nurse. What is being done about his meds? Do they need re-assessing? What psychiatric input will your guy receive while in jail?

I'm in school. I work. I'm trying to do NaNoWriMo.. but I have no story.. I have no plot ideas. Its hard to concentrate on anyone thing right now. Even reading and writing aren't calming me down like normal.

I'm sure you don't want to hear this but you only get one shot at an education. Allowing your boyfriend to stress you out to the point of fucking over your grades is a very bad idea. It will ruin your prospects for the future, at a time when the economy's crap and the job market's almost non-existent. It will also store up resentment for the future. Just as you can't take responsibility for a grown man who won't take his meds, you can't pass responsibility for your education onto anyone else. You are the one who will suffer if you don't find a way to keep your studies on track. This is another thing your parents have every reason to be concerned about. Keeping up with your study would therefore be a very good way of convincing them that you're capable of handling stress in a mature way. This is one thing you can do to keep them off your back, because if your grades plummet they do have every right to be concerned and start interfering in your life.

I've never been good at making GOOD choices all the time and especially following through with them. Like I'm overweight. I know I SHOULD diet/exsercise or make some sort of plan to loose weight. I don't. Even when I have a plan I have trouble sticking to it.

I'm pretty sure you're smart enough to know that you can't equate sticking by a mentally unstable and imprisoned boyfriend with eating more vegetables and jogging. This is simply not in the same league. If you try adding something like this to the mountain of everyday crap that teens and parents fight about, it's going to make you look very immature.

I'm worried about it because I'm selfish okay.. there happy. I wanted him to spend Thanksgiving with me and my family. And no I'm not too worried about spending time with HIM. His friends, at times I am a bit spooked around, but that's because mostly I don't know them that well. He has sworn not to go off his meds again. It was a mistake. Humans make mistakes. Whats the point of forgiveness otherwise?

Thanksgiving is the least of your problems. It won't hurt to spend it with your biological family either. Try to build some bridges. If this is the right guy for you, there will be plenty of thanksgivings.

Maybe it is teen rebellion. I already have my ears double pierced, done the highlights with my hair.. and I'm a bit old for a true teen rebellion.. or at least like the one you suggested. That's more up to my 16 year old sister. I'm so tired of being pressured to follow my parents advice all the time. First they caught me cybering and demanded I stop that, because I still live under their roof. And they have complained about me not going to church. And wearing to short a skirt. Okay. I'm sick and tired of everyone else making my choices for me.

Then prove that you can make them for yourself without fucking your life up. That is the only way to silence your critics in the long term.

As long as he takes his meds he won't do that again. Yes its something I'll have to deal with. It might be something to worry about in the future. I'm not seeing him for 23 days. We're going to be writing each other and maybe we can deal with some of those questions in the letters.

So why wasn't he taking his meds? How long did he stop taking them for before he got violent? How often has he done this in the past? The risk to you here is serious and you should be asking yourself the tough questions about whether your boyfriend should be in a relationship at all. If he can't look after himself, there's no way he can treat you in the way you deserve. You cannot save this man, nor will loving him help his bipolar disorder unless he truly values that love. He won't take his meds out of love for you though, and he shouldn't. Unless he wants to get better and take them for his own benefit, he simply won't. If that's the case, you really shouldn't be with him.

If he's not taking his medication while he's in a mental hospital, do you really expect him to take them when he's out on his own?

This is what concerns me the most and no doubt your parents too. You will get nowhere with them unless you acknowledge that. They must be going out of their minds with fear for you and you can't blame them. Keep that in mind and try not to be too hard on them. They only want what's best for you and there's nothing wrong with that.

How would you feel if you were your mother? How scared would you be for your child? Try to see things from their perspective. In their minds you could be hacked into tiny pieces and left in a dumpster by this guy. You have to acknowledge that their fears are genuine.

 

[Aellio]

I'm going to reply to each of you one at a time. Hope you don't mind. Then I will combine the posts together if I can.

I'm going to guess that this guy has had plenty of chances from many people in his life. If he's a bad apple, he's probably had far too many chances.

Either way, it's not your responsibility to give him more chances. It is your responsibility to make the best possible decisions for your own life.

But you don't know, nor do I know if he's a "bad apple". He may have just made a mistake. And I would sure hate for someone to say to me "Nope.. you've been given to many chances by OTHER people so I'm not going to give you one...".

I hear you. And trust me when I say I've been there (except for the religious parents). I don't know what to tell you other than you need to have faith in yourself that you WILL get over losses and changes, no matter how big they may seem at the time. We've all had first loves and lost our virginity to people who are long gone for most of us. It feels like a loss at the time in many cases, but we survive and grow from the experience.

I don't trust myself. I don't have much faith in myself. This past summer was so very hard for me to be alone like I was. I see myself often as the kind of girl who might jump around from guy to guy seeking reassurance that she's pretty.. at least if I were pretty.
Right now I don't know how I'll survive. I know that if I had known dating him would lead this way, no I wouldn't have started dating him. I thought he was a nice guy, yes he had mental issues, but if he dealt with them correctly than that was okay.
I don't know how I grew from the last heartbreak. It just hurt.

The right guy(s) for you will take you not being a virgin just fine. You don't want anyone who judges you based on that, honey, and your best matches will probably be excited that you have some experience. Now is a good time in your life to explore your possibilities safely and sanely. Go out on dates with different people so you can figure out who you're truly looking for eventually. And, yes, explore intimacy with those who deserve your trust, caring/love (whatever works for you), commitment and will always put your physical and emotional safety first.

I did go out on a date with a guy from Nepal before Andrew asked me out. He was nice. I just don't get asked on dates much and with my ex I asked him on dates.. and that led to heartbreak and I haven't had the nerve to do it again since.
My parents pretty much convinced me that a guy wouldn't want me if I wasn't a virgin. Plus I'm overweight. And ... yeah.
Its really hard to believe right now. I know you are likely right.

How are you dealing with the depression? Do you think it's affecting your ability to make healthy choices regarding your associations and relationships? Are you being properly medicated and/or getting secular cognitive behavior therapy? (Or not; I just think the less bias the better, since you pretty much already know what the churchy types think). If not, could you talk to your parents about supporting you in doing those things?

Right now I got to therapy/counseling. It may be affecting my choices, yes, I'm not sure right now though. I have been prescribed no medication. Its not secular, but therapy of a sort, yes. I did ask my mom about counseling and I've tried to get them to hug me more.. but they are not physical lovers (huggy people) like myself.

I'm sorry for you bad experiences.

Are you sure you're not overstating, though? It seems like you're making your own decisions, saying what's on your mind, making your own choices and learning yourself, from what you've said. I'm just not sure why you're not applying stuff like making your own decisions to things like making your own high quality friends in places besides church, and not letting religion control you. Like if you really want religion in your life, why not check out a bunch of different ones and find what suits you best at this point? I've had some friends that had to go to church while living at home, but their parents were open to them going to a different church (well, as long as it wasn't like Satanism, or something). I can think of several religions that are Christian-based without being pushy, negative or unrealistic. Something like that that supports you in your positive endeavors, allows you to meet like-minded people and satisfies [your and/or your parents'] needs for some sort of organized religion might just be worth a shot. Or maybe it'd be OK for you to practice your brand of faith privately?

Maybe I am over-reacting/overstating. I don't know. Why do my friends have to be "high quality?" I'm honestly sick of my Christian based friends. I want normal friends. Is that so wrong?
Its hard to change now, as I've grown up in this church. Its like a second or third home. I know a lot of the names, and faces. Of course the downside to that is socialization is limited and everyone knows everything basically. I think my parents would be okay with me going to a different church. Its just that recently I want to push all religion away. My relationship with God has dwindled down to near zero. I don't know if that's effecting me either.
I think they would require a church however that has to believe very certain things and I'm not sure right now whether or not I agree.

I don't know what's going to happen to him in jail, but you asked how much worse it could get, and I answered. Jail is hardly rehabilitative for most people; most criminals come out worse for the wear.

Good plan. When you ask, I'd suggest an open-ended question, rather than suggesting potential excuses.

Fair enough.

Good suggestion.

FWIW, I don't think listening to your intuition and letting your emotions rule are the same thing at all. Intuition is logical, not emotional, though it can appear to be a feeling. I see flecks of intuition in your posts and it's entirely logical and wise to heed. Maybe distinguishing between emotions and intuition would be a valuable thing to discuss in counseling?

Perhaps. But I don't go till Monday. And I'm hurting now. I'm crying now. I'm lonely now. I'm desperate now. I can't make sense of things.

Actions speak way louder than words. Look for patterns and types of behavior, rather than promises. Keep your eyes wide open for red flags.

Who says you don't matter? Don't listen to anyone who says that because it's simply not true.

I'm guessing you want true love (which doesn't happen virtually overnight), someone who treats you and others incredibly well, positive attention, affection, intimacy, time together, intelligence, and the other things most of us want. What you truly want can win if you put in some effort and let it.

I will. I will get out of this relationship first red flag that comes up. Aka.. any posessive/violent behavior towards myself, family or friends.

My sister keeps saying I'll end up as trailer trash, even before I was dating him. Maybe I believe her a little too much.

Yes. I want true love. I want so much affection and intimacy, my whole body cries out for it. I am just so tired of making efforts. I want to be chased after... I want to be wanted.

It sounds like you're onto some important thoughts here. Hopefully, you'll continue to explore them at length.

I'd imagine you want to make the best decisions possible because that'll lead to growth and long-term happiness. I'm having trouble imagining why you'd want to make bad decisions; it sounds pretty silly when it's phrased that way, don't you think?

But how can I know when its good and when its bad FOR SURE? Not just by what others think, they don't always know best.. And why does there have to be so many shades of gray?
I do want to make good decisions. Just not sure what those are. I know that's part of growing up. Its just tiring.

This is really worth looking at closely as well. It's remarkably easy to jump into and stay in the wrong arms when those are the only arms giving you anything resembling what you need. I know this from experience, unfortunately.

I know. I think I overstayed with my ex.. because he was the one giving me that affection. Because I finally felt wanted. I realized eventually that he'd likely not get a job anytime soon or not be lazy about some things and that while we were decent together and he's not a bad guy, I just couldn't stick with him. I wasn't getting the intellectual, or responsible actions I wanted from him that I needed. I feel selfish for wanting so much though

Anyway, you'd do well to seriously consider the possibility that you're with, and likely inappropriately attached, to this guy because he's giving you the only affection and positive attention you get. IOW, you might just be taking whatever you can, even if the source of that is really bad for you. I just hope you know you can drink, and be even more satisfied with what you get, from a different well.

I'll consider it. I'm not promising to break up with him. I might be... yes.. I just want it so badly. At times in the past I felt close to self hurting because I longed for attention and love.
I never have been. Why should I be satisfied? Why shouldn't I? Why do I deserve that? Or maybe why don't I? I sure as anything don't know the answer to either questions.

 

[Aellio]

Because it beats the alternative!

There are a lot of reasons for you to feel the way you do--to feel that it's worth it to throw everything away just for a little freedom. Please do not think I'm talking down to you. I've been where you are.

First off, you have not reached a high level of emotional maturity. That has nothing to do with being 19 years old; maturity doesn't correlate with age. It correlates with 1) life experience and 2) learning from mistakes, the latter of which is (obviously) something you have to choose to do, and why there are so many 50-year-old idiots in the world. Whatever the case, you don't have a lot of maturity at the moment.

This in itself is not a problem. Nobody is born wise, and your parents (in their infinite Christian wisdom) think stupidity is the same as ignorance and have conspired to keep you in both states as much as they can. They are your second problem.

How did I end up here?--you sound almost exactly like my ex-fiancée. She too was home-schooled in a conservative-Christian home for most of her life, and when she got into college she was two years younger than her classmates. Her parents were extremely controlling and had absolutely no interest in treating her like anything but chattel--a knick-knack they could put on the mantelpiece. And, just as you would be confused if (say) your desk got up and tried to walk out the door, so were her parents confused when she did. Also, they were angry, but that's another matter. She was desperately lonely, almost suicidal, and when someone--anyone--me--showed up who was willing to be kind to her, she fell for that person head over heels. It didn't matter that he wasn't a Christian, that he was willing to make decisions that were completely contrary to what she would; what she needed was love and acceptance and self-confidence, and he was willing to give that. (Of course, then we fell in love, and it did start to matter. I was a phase, basically, and I'm fine with that. I hope that some of it stuck, and that she has the strength now to make good decisions even when they involve hurting her parents.)

And your third problem? You're in love. You're wearing rose-colored glasses. It can be hard to be objective in the best of times; that's not how God wired our brains. It's even harder when you're in love, which is best described from a neurological standpoint as a form of voluntary insanity.

But that is exactly the point. It sounds ridiculous, and maybe it is offensive, but this is what everybody is saying to you thus far and what I echo: you should not trust your own judgment right now. It is impaired, for the reasons I have just described. You are young, you are desperate, and you are in love. This is not a good place to be making life-changing decisions from.

You want to go your own way. You want to make your own decisions. You want to be your own person. This is applaudable. But I beg you: consider the person you are becoming. Is a little freedom really worth your dignity, sanity and life? You are falling in with a bad crowd. There are other ways. There are better ways. Start exercising. Join a book club. Take a creative writing class at your local community college. Learn ballroom dancing. All of these will give you social outlets and chances to meet people who 1) are worthy dates, and 2) are not on anti-psychotic medication.

Please. I'm concerned that the next time your parents hear from you, it'll be because the police just dredged your body up from a ditch. If that's the path you want to take, well, we can't stop you... But if you seriously sit down at your computer and write that taking that path is not a mistake, you will be a liar and you know it.

I realize that I am not fully, emotionally mature. I never have been, I recognized this by age 16 when many girls my age were dating, but I didn't think I was ready to date. By age 18 I was. I've always felt behind. Its not the best feeling in the world. Especially when I think something must be wrong with me.

I don't completely blame my parents however, I also blame myself for not getting out more. For not being more exploratory.

Sounds familiar. Though I've never resorted to self hurt I can relate to sometimes just feeling like an object, and not even that wanted of one my parents have to display their good parenting skills. They have better luck with my more (athletically anyway) talented siblings.

I don't know why I should trust anyone else's judgement though either. I am so tired of relying on .. or having others make my choices. I do love him. I am desperate for love. I am desperate to feel arms around me in a loving embrace.. is that so horrible a thing to want??

I'm tired of trying. I don't want to please others anymore. I would like to do those things if I felt I had time and if my family weren't stuck fincially and transportation wise right now. Most of those things cost some amount of money. Plus I've never been very successful at sticking to such activities.

I DON'T KNOW if this path is mistake. That's the problem. It might be. It might not be. I can't see into the future and neither can you.

 

[Aellio]

There's nothing wrong with forgiving him. What you must avoid doing is excusing him. It's a good thing that he's willing about going to jail and acknowledges that he did something very wrong. On the other hand, he still neglected himself and stopped taking his meds in the first place, leading him to lash out violently at someone who was there to care for him and put his own best interests first even if he didn't want to. This could well be you in the future. Have you discussed with him why he stopped taking his meds? What makes you think it won't happen again?

I will not be excusing him. I will be putting him on "probation" and he knows it. He will have to prove he can be responsible, hold a job, perhaps finish his degree, pay me back and go on many many group dates with myself and others.
I have not yet discussed with him why he stopped taking his meds, but I will as soon as I get a chance. I'm still upset from trying to talk to his aunt and cousins and getting yelled and sworn at. I'm only trying to help...

You have the right to date who you want but making bad choices for yourself just gives your parents justification for controlling your life. I'm not telling you to ditch the guy but at the same time, you have to acknowledge that in this case, your parents do have a point. If you are mature enough to agree with them that you are at risk with this guy and you do need to be careful, they may feel less like you're being stupid just to piss them off. You can meet them halfway without letting them control you.

I have agreed that he made a mistake. I have agreed with them that I will need to be careful how I deal with him. However I'm not agreeing to their suggestions I ditch him at the moment.

It his not his fault he's bipolar. Neglecting himself and not taking his meds however, that is his fault. You cannot reasonably have a relationship in the long term with someone who spits his dummy out and quits taking care of himself every time he's depressed. You have said that he 'can't get into any more trouble' too, which suggests to me that this isn't the first time he's done something criminally stupid. You cannot take responsibility for a guy who refuses to look after himself, or next time it will be you with broken bones and not the nurse. What is being done about his meds? Do they need re-assessing? What psychiatric input will your guy receive while in jail?

I'm not sure whats being done about his meds currently. Its a odd topic for me, as I have had very little experience with any sorts of medication myself throughout my life. My mom takes lots of pills, but I rarely, if ever learned about them. So when I do find out about them and tell y'll about them I want to be able to get the information straight. I do know he is in the "God room" at the jail, so I'm glad about that. This means he was put into a room with prisoners who have turned to God, have Bible studies and such.

I'm sure you don't want to hear this but you only get one shot at an education. Allowing your boyfriend to stress you out to the point of fucking over your grades is a very bad idea. It will ruin your prospects for the future, at a time when the economy's crap and the job market's almost non-existent. It will also store up resentment for the future. Just as you can't take responsibility for a grown man who won't take his meds, you can't pass responsibility for your education onto anyone else. You are the one who will suffer if you don't find a way to keep your studies on track. This is another thing your parents have every reason to be concerned about. Keeping up with your study would therefore be a very good way of convincing them that you're capable of handling stress in a mature way. This is one thing you can do to keep them off your back, because if your grades plummet they do have every right to be concerned and start interfering in your life.

I've been a B-average student, while nothing too spectacular I get by. I will continue this. I think, however a little stress and venting is unavoidable. I'm not going to allow that to happen. I just wanted some sympathy and a venting place. I need to vent sometimes, and I'm not ashamed of that.
They don't recognize my grades, even though I kept them up while I was with my ex. I kept them up during/after that break up. I've kept them up this fall. I wish we had a longer break than 9 days so I could have a bit more downtime but I plan on keeping them up in the winter. I keep up car insurance payments, phone payments, and my work. They don't see it as anything different most of the time. It makes it seem so un-worth-while sometimes.

I'm pretty sure you're smart enough to know that you can't equate sticking by a mentally unstable and imprisoned boyfriend with eating more vegetables and jogging. This is simply not in the same league. If you try adding something like this to the mountain of everyday crap that teens and parents fight about, it's going to make you look very immature.

I know I can't.. I'm just trying to make comparisons here. I don't typically fight with my parents though. Most of my arguments about them have been about Sexuality. EG what rights homosexuals should/shouldn't have , having sex before marriage.. etc.

Thanksgiving is the least of your problems. It won't hurt to spend it with your biological family either. Try to build some bridges. If this is the right guy for you, there will be plenty of thanksgivings.

Then prove that you can make them for yourself without fucking your life up. That is the only way to silence your critics in the long term.

I ALWAYS spend it with my biological family. I just wanted to share that with him. Is that so bad? His family is elsewhere, so.. yeah.

But no matter what, even if I make the decision others advise me on, I somehow feel like I always end up, in one way or another, to put it bluntly, mess it up. So I get more critism for not following exactly what they advised me... and yeah.

So why wasn't he taking his meds? How long did he stop taking them for before he got violent? How often has he done this in the past? The risk to you here is serious and you should be asking yourself the tough questions about whether your boyfriend should be in a relationship at all. If he can't look after himself, there's no way he can treat you in the way you deserve. You cannot save this man, nor will loving him help his bipolar disorder unless he truly values that love. He won't take his meds out of love for you though, and he shouldn't. Unless he wants to get better and take them for his own benefit, he simply won't. If that's the case, you really shouldn't be with him.

I don't know the answers to your questions at the moment. I may have what is called the "savior complex" I read about it somewhere. I want to save those who I feel need saving and I give myself in ways I perhaps shouldn't in order to do so and I pick the oddest people to "save". Maybe. I don't know. I will discuss with him if he feels he has to take his meds for me, or for him. If its both whats so bad about that?

This is what concerns me the most and no doubt your parents too. You will get nowhere with them unless you acknowledge that. They must be going out of their minds with fear for you and you can't blame them. Keep that in mind and try not to be too hard on them. They only want what's best for you and there's nothing wrong with that.

I know there's nothing wrong with it. I know they are afraid for me. I know they want my best interest. I just... want that love so badly.

How would you feel if you were your mother? How scared would you be for your child? Try to see things from their perspective. In their minds you could be hacked into tiny pieces and left in a dumpster by this guy. You have to acknowledge that their fears are genuine.

I know that. I got some statistics from another friend about people that don't take their medication once are 98% more likely to forget it/not take it again. Plus stories of women in similar situations to my own. Its scary, but it doesn't mean it has to turn out that way for me.. and that's why he'll be going on a "probation."

 

[NomadLady]

You are 19 years old...most likely your first fuck wasn't "real love" and you will get over him. We can't help who we sometimes fall in love/lust with but you have been given PLENTY of good advice here to get away from this guy....your replies to that advice makes me think you are just being a spoiled brat and don't like people telling you what to do....so why did you even ask?

Your family loves you and wants what is best for you....people here gave you sound advice, why would you want to screw up your life with such a burden of a partner at such a young age?

 

[Aellio]

You are 19 years old...most likely your first fuck wasn't "real love" and you will get over him. We can't help who we sometimes fall in love/lust with but you have been given PLENTY of good advice her to get away from this guy....your replies to that advice makes me think you are just being a spoiled brat and don't like people telling you what to do....so why did you even ask?

Your family loves you and wants what is best for you....people here gave you sound advice, why would you want to screw up your life with such a burden of a partner at such a young age?

Because I wanted sympathy. Because I did want advice. Because I was expecting different replies to use as sounding boards. Perhaps right now I feel like being a spoiled little brat. I never really get to be one. So why not be one on here? If I'm not satisfied with their answers why shouldn't I ask more questions?
This advice has been helpful to me. I'm not going to split with the guy in question at the moment. I don't have to take people's advice. That's the beauty of living in America.

Because I don't know what else to do? Because I'm hurting and lonely. Because I think I love him. Because I'm young and probably don't have the best judgement. Because I am too trusting in him. I don't know .There could be many answers. There are also many questions.

 

[SweetErika]

But you don't know, nor do I know if he's a "bad apple". He may have just made a mistake. And I would sure hate for someone to say to me "Nope.. you've been given to many chances by OTHER people so I'm not going to give you one...".

No, I don't know, which is why I qualified it with that "if."

But my point was that if he's been given a lot of chances by others, he's very likely used to getting free passes, that's fundamentally affected who he is, and he will likely expect the same passes from you. Don't be surprised if he uses the same lines you're using here, like, "Doesn't everybody deserve a second chance?" and, "Don't I deserve your forgiveness?"

I don't trust myself. I don't have much faith in myself. This past summer was so very hard for me to be alone like I was. I see myself often as the kind of girl who might jump around from guy to guy seeking reassurance that she's pretty.. at least if I were pretty.

You're going to have to start trusting and having faith in yourself, plain and simple. You can do that by recognizing what you've done/are doing well and making good decisions over time. Is your therapist giving you some concrete self-esteem exercises/homework to do between sessions? If not, I'd suggest asking for them. As your self-esteem improves, you'll likely enjoy being on your own a whole lot more.

Right now I don't know how I'll survive. I know that if I had known dating him would lead this way, no I wouldn't have started dating him. I thought he was a nice guy, yes he had mental issues, but if he dealt with them correctly than that was okay.

This is huge, and a place where you could trust yourself and make a good decision right now. Why would you stay with someone that you shouldn't have chosen in the first place if you knew the full story?

My parents pretty much convinced me that a guy wouldn't want me if I wasn't a virgin. Plus I'm overweight. And ... yeah.

Your parents are just plain wrong on this one, so unconvince yourself.

And I won't say your weight doesn't matter at all, because it will to some people. It just won't to the right people. There are plenty of men and women who find a woman with curves far more attractive than a woman who's thinner. Personally, I'm usually only really attracted to women who fall between, say, a size 12/14 and 20. For me, confidence and health matter more than anything else when it comes to weight.

Right now I got to therapy/counseling. It may be affecting my choices, yes, I'm not sure right now though. I have been prescribed no medication. Its not secular, but therapy of a sort, yes. I did ask my mom about counseling and I've tried to get them to hug me more.. but they are not physical lovers (huggy people) like myself.

You may want to ask about seeing a psychiatrist or doctor who knows a lot about mental health and getting cognitive behavior therapy again. You could tell your parents you're really concerned about yourself and you want to make better choices. There's no point in going to counseling if it's not truly helping you and/or you don't believe in the premise behind it and/or are afraid to talk about everything because you might be judged based on religion or something.

Why do my friends have to be "high quality?" I'm honestly sick of my Christian based friends. I want normal friends. Is that so wrong?

No! And just to clarify, I'm NOT suggesting high quality = Christian or religious. There are lots of quality people who are atheist and agnostic or just spiritual. Hopefully, you'll make friends who fulfill different needs and can provide you with a wide variety of perspectives.

But how can I know when its good and when its bad FOR SURE? Not just by what others think, they don't always know best.. And why does there have to be so many shades of gray?
I do want to make good decisions. Just not sure what those are. I know that's part of growing up. Its just tiring.

You can't. All you can do is make the best possible decisions based on the information you have at any given time. You're going to make some mistakes, but you can minimize those by being logical and constantly assessing where you are, want to be, and doing what you need to do to get there.

I know. I think I overstayed with my ex.. because he was the one giving me that affection. Because I finally felt wanted. I realized eventually that he'd likely not get a job anytime soon or not be lazy about some things and that while we were decent together and he's not a bad guy, I just couldn't stick with him. I wasn't getting the intellectual, or responsible actions I wanted from him that I needed. I feel selfish for wanting so much though

It sounds like you have yourself a pattern here. What similarities can you spot between the last guy and the current guy?

It's fine to be selfish when it comes to your safety and happiness. If that's what it takes to get on the right path, go for it. I can tell you it's not selfish to want someone who's mentally stimulating, can support himself (and you, if necessary), responsible, loving, safe, etc. That's just smart.

I'm still upset from trying to talk to his aunt and cousins and getting yelled and sworn at. I'm only trying to help...

Why did they yell and swear at you?

I don't know the answers to your questions at the moment. I may have what is called the "savior complex" I read about it somewhere. I want to save those who I feel need saving and I give myself in ways I perhaps shouldn't in order to do so and I pick the oddest people to "save". Maybe. I don't know. I will discuss with him if he feels he has to take his meds for me, or for him. If its both whats so bad about that?

This is another great insight. Do some checking on co-dependency, too, then watch yourself closely for signs of either. The moment you recognize you're doing something unhealthy, fix it, even if it hurts. That's how you'll make good decisions for yourself.

 

[SubNebGuy]

My two cents: I have friends and acquaintances who are bi-polar. Depending on the degree of their disorder, and how it can be combined with other mental disorders (i.e. manic depressive), its going to stress your ability to cope with someone who is 'not like everyone else'.

My first question though is why was he skipping his meds? Especially while under medical care?

If he is unwilling to make a committment to you and stay on his meds to ensure BOTH his safety and yours, you should not make a committment to stay with him no matter what.

As you've said, you barely know him since you only recently met him, and it already sounds like his bad judgements are rubbing off on you (no condom, sex in a car).

Since you have to be 18 to post here...you are an adult. Make some adult decisions here...they could have a big impact on your life.

I'm not saying "ditch him now!" I'm saying you need to talk to him and find out FOR CERTAIN if he is willing and capable of making the changes necessary for you two to be able to stay together.

 

[Somehowyou]

How do you cope with a loved one in jail?
How do you cope with disapproving parents?
How do you cope with school and work at a time like this?

Perhaps we're moving too fast, but this is a vent post.
He deals with bi-polar disorder and maniac depression. He was in a mental hospital/housing a few months ago. While he was there he didn't take his med and broke a nurse's fingers in an episode. It was a mistake. One he will not be repeating. However he has to pay the price for his crime, he knows this.
On Thursday he got his sentence, 30 days, 23 if on good behavior. He's going to miss Thanksgiving

Yikes!!!! RUN RUNas fast as you can. Danger! Danger!

 

[MsGoodBody]

.....

 

[LadyParts]

How to cope...

I'm so sorry that you find yourself so attached to this man. The next 30 days will be hard for you. If you really and truly want to be there for him, you must arm yourself with all the tools necessary and essential to someone who wishes to be supportive, while not being enabling.

First, you must fully come to terms with his mental illness. While it is true that he has little control over his behavior when he's off his meds, spending some time listening and hearing what others have been through dealing with a bi-polar loved one, you may come to see that it is likely going to take many YEARS for him to be reliable on taking his meds. That my dear is the sad truth of bi-polar and while you may see yourself as the heroic loving girlfriend who stands by her man and through love alone will be the instrument of change, that is a romantic notion with no foundation in reality.

Find your local NAMI chapter and get to a meeting. Hear from others in your shoes the long road you seem determined to travel. Clearly you can't be swayed from your chosen course, at least arm yourself so you stay healthy. Remember what they say: "physician, heal thyself." That means if you wish to offer your healing arms, you must first be strong and healthy.

"There was a man standing on the deck of a ship, out at sea in the dark of night. A storm blew in and tossed the man into the black rolling waves. He screamed for help. By some miracle, another group of men heard his scream. The tallest and strongest jumped into the sea in order to to rescue the fallen man. Those who remained on deck called to the crew, screaming; "Man Over-Board!" The crew arrived and by yet another miracle, they spotted the fallen man and tossed a life preserver out to him. They missed. Again and Again they tossed and during this time, his would be rescuer was taken under by a strong wave and was never seen again. Finally the life preserver reached the fallen man, he was told to grab hold so they could pull him in. But when they brought the life preserver into the boat, they found the man had let go. They called out and he answered.
"I don't want the white one, I want the yellow one!"

The moral of the story is two fold.
1, If you are going to play the rescuer, don't kill yourself in the process.
2, If you really need help, take that which is given.

Good Luck to you.

 

[Aellio]

Once again going to tackle these as I can. Busy college student here

No, I don't know, which is why I qualified it with that "if."
But my point was that if he's been given a lot of chances by others, he's very likely used to getting free passes, that's fundamentally affected who he is, and he will likely expect the same passes from you. Don't be surprised if he uses the same lines you're using here, like, "Doesn't everybody deserve a second chance?" and, "Don't I deserve your forgiveness?"

He so far has not used those lines on me, he understands that he doesn't deserve to have a second chance, but has asked for my forgiveness and at least a period of time where he can prove himself. I promised him that much.

You're going to have to start trusting and having faith in yourself, plain and simple. You can do that by recognizing what you've done/are doing well and making good decisions over time. Is your therapist giving you some concrete self-esteem exercises/homework to do between sessions? If not, I'd suggest asking for them. As your self-esteem improves, you'll likely enjoy being on your own a whole lot more.
This is huge, and a place where you could trust yourself and make a good decision right now. Why would you stay with someone that you shouldn't have chosen in the first place if you knew the full story?

She has given me some homework typically each week, some are self esteem, others have to do with other aspects of the therapy. Just a few weeks back she had me make a poster with things that were good about myself, or attributes about myself and things that contribute to my life currently. Eg: Animal lover, or writer, or reader.
I'm not sure if that's what you meant, but she has done such things. I sure hope my self-esteem will improve, so far its been slow, but I do see progress. I see myself back at the level, if not a bit higher, that I was before my ex and I broke up. Things really plummeted then. Maybe I'm scared of losing the progress I've made...
Because I feel like I owe it to him, he asked me out, with my ex I felt like I owed him nothing, I asked him out, I paid for most things, etc.

Your parents are just plain wrong on this one, so unconvince yourself.
And I won't say your weight doesn't matter at all, because it will to some people. It just won't to the right people. There are plenty of men and women who find a woman with curves far more attractive than a woman who's thinner. Personally, I'm usually only really attracted to women who fall between, say, a size 12/14 and 20. For me, confidence and health matter more than anything else when it comes to weight.
You may want to ask about seeing a psychiatrist or doctor who knows a lot about mental health and getting cognitive behavior therapy again. You could tell your parents you're really concerned about yourself and you want to make better choices. There's no point in going to counseling if it's not truly helping you and/or you don't believe in the premise behind it and/or are afraid to talk about everything because you might be judged based on religion or something.

Alright, I'll try
I know that my weight does matter to some people, and others, mostly the people I have as my friends, don't honestly care. And I'm glad I'm on the scale of women you're attracted too
Though my health may be a bit down as well as confidence, I'm learning and young yet.
That's why I started going to therapy, I wanted to deal with my depression issues at a younger age, when I could change, and feel better about myself in the future.
I dislike doctors.. and I don't know that I ever got cognitive behavior therapy in the first place?
I do believe it is helping me, slowly, and I talk to her about pretty much everything as long as she'll listen, which she does. She understands how I feel about certain things, she lets me ramble on and doesn't judge. I trust her.

No! And just to clarify, I'm NOT suggesting high quality = Christian or religious. There are lots of quality people who are atheist and agnostic or just spiritual. Hopefully, you'll make friends who fulfill different needs and can provide you with a wide variety of perspectives.

Okay, thank you for that clarification. To my parents high quality=Christian especially, religious helps.
So when you said that it just made my hackles raise.

You can't. All you can do is make the best possible decisions based on the information you have at any given time. You're going to make some mistakes, but you can minimize those by being logical and constantly assessing where you are, want to be, and doing what you need to do to get there.

*sigh* Why does decision making have to be so complicated at times? And why does it have to be so much work Oh, well.. welcome to the real world I suppose.

It sounds like you have yourself a pattern here. What similarities can you spot between the last guy and the current guy?

Well, the not paying for things. But my ex had a time span of 6 months to pay me back, I've only known this fellow for a short time, I think most banks would be kind of silly if they made you pay back your loans in just a few days.

It's fine to be selfish when it comes to your safety and happiness. If that's what it takes to get on the right path, go for it. I can tell you it's not selfish to want someone who's mentally stimulating, can support himself (and you, if necessary), responsible, loving, safe, etc. That's just smart.

Okay, I'll have to remember that. I feel like I can't get everything I want, and I know you can't most of the time. I can get what I need however. I need a man that will not be afraid to hug and hold me a lot, I need a man that will love me for me, I need a man that can support himself, a car isn't a huge thing but a job is good. I need a man who's responsible-the job thing relates back to this. I need a man who is healthy-no smoking, no excessive drinking and no behaviors that may harm others, himself, or me. I realize this guy (we're going to call him "AMM") has made a mistake in the past in regards to being healthy, and he currently doesn't support himself, though he has in the past.

Why did they yell and swear at you?

I just called to ask if they had gotten the visiting forms yet or if they had gotten a chance to go down to the jail and leave the letter I gave to them for AMM and money for books (which he's going to give me back if he ever gets it). I understand they are busy with stuff, I just wanted to check, but they started in on me, and I just don't like being sworn at either.

This is another great insight. Do some checking on co-dependency, too, then watch yourself closely for signs of either. The moment you recognize you're doing something unhealthy, fix it, even if it hurts. That's how you'll make good decisions for yourself.

I already know I have difficulties with co-dependency, as this past summer I looked up various depression-related things online. I am trying to fix it.. therapy.. its all I can think to do.

 

[Aellio]

My two cents: I have friends and acquaintances who are bi-polar. Depending on the degree of their disorder, and how it can be combined with other mental disorders (i.e. manic depressive), its going to stress your ability to cope with someone who is 'not like everyone else'.

My first question though is why was he skipping his meds? Especially while under medical care?

If he is unwilling to make a committment to you and stay on his meds to ensure BOTH his safety and yours, you should not make a committment to stay with him no matter what.

As you've said, you barely know him since you only recently met him, and it already sounds like his bad judgements are rubbing off on you (no condom, sex in a car).

Since you have to be 18 to post here...you are an adult. Make some adult decisions here...they could have a big impact on your life.

I'm not saying "ditch him now!" I'm saying you need to talk to him and find out FOR CERTAIN if he is willing and capable of making the changes necessary for you two to be able to stay together.

I know that, I am willing to deal with someone who is not like everyone else, you know why? Cause I'm not like "everyone else" either.

I'm not sure why he was skipping his meds yet.

He is willing to make a commitment. He has told me as soon as possible after he gets out (likely the 29th) he's going to his doctor's, and getting his medication re-evaluated. Right now he has all his pills given to him except for his sleeping pills, which they don't allow in jail.

I hardly consider sex in a car bad judgement, we're young, we will likely experiment, yes its out of the norm but bad.. I highly doubt it. I recognize having no protection was stupid, and if I had the choice I'd wipe that off as my first time having sex and stick with it being with protection. But it happened. Nothing to do about it now but learn from it.

I am trying to make adult decisions here. I am trying to be fair, and give him a second chance. I am talking to him as you have suggested. So far he has shown he will be able to make good decisions after he gets out, so I see no reason why not to give him a "probation".

 

[Aellio]

To the person before this poster, thanks for the short and to the point advice.

There is truth in the saying "To thine own self be true". To do the opposite brings about internal conflict.
From your posts, it sounds like you have a lot of internal conflict. Also sounds like you have a lot of good plans for your life. Stay focused on what you want to do with your life, how you want your life to be. Don't let other people deter you from the path. Don't let other people define your life for you.
Cut your parents a little slack - after all they've been in parenting mode for at least 19 years. It's not easy for them to switch gears either. They have to make sure that you were listening all those years and since "actions speak louder than words" they will watch you.
Be careful about pulling 180's in an attempt to not be like your parents and the religion they chose. Usually doesn't work, just causes more internal conflict.
Don't allow yourself to simply settle for someone just because you lost your virginity to them. It doesn't necessarily mean that they were the right guy for you. It might mean that they were Mr. Right Now for that moment. Sounds like there might have been a little pressure in the event and those that followed (no condom, in a car, ...). Doesn't sound as if those were your choices.
You have rights and feelings too. You have value and it isn't based on how you think you look. Don't sell yourself short. This is your transitional moment to define yourself and your future, not based on anyone elses ideas or plans (or lack of them). Make the most of it.

I plan on staying focused on what I want. I didn't let my (ex) boyfriend take over my life, and I'm hardly going to do that with this one. Like you said, I do have conflict. About him. Not about what I want to do. I will keep taking GED classes until next spring, and then I am going to Vet tech school. Then I will likely move, I am so tired of living in this state plus I don't know how the opprotunities for Vet tech are here. I may come back here when I'm older or something. I may get married, though perhaps not to AMM. I'm not a fan of the idea of having kids naturally, so if I have the money I'd like to foster or adopt a child. I'd like to own a few horses one day too. Go traveling, out of the States, see the ocean.

I'm just tired of being treated younger than I am despite working, keeping good grades and attempting to show my responsibility in those sorts of ways.
I've not really pulled to many 180's except for the sexuality. I don't think their rules are fair.

Yeah, there was some pressure the first time, I wanted to make him happy. The second time was much better though. I wanted it. I was prepared. I know the timing wasn't that great and the quickness of the sex wasn't the best idea. I just didn't want the same thing that happened with my ex to happen again. He would tease me, leave me hanging, not satisfy me unless it was through cybering. I hated that feeling. I felt like I wasn't good enough to please so when AMM suggested it I agreed. I wanted to be pleased.