How to....

[Hotred911]

Find a good marriage counselor.

So for all those out there that have been to a marriage counselor, how did you pick which one you went to? Good/bad things to look for? Things to ask? Any good/bad experiences with them?

Sorry it's just a bunch of questions, but I'm not in the mood, nor do I think I really need to go into detail about things. But I could be wrong, so if details are needed for better results, just say so, I'll give some general ones. And as always, thank you guys. I don't know what I'd do without Lit sometimes.

 

[blondie74]

I've never been to a marriage counselor, so I can't give much advice from personal experience. But, the following link might be of help:

http://www.familyfirst.net/marriage/mgcounselor1.asp

 

[Angel_Diva]

Never been to a marriage counselor but a good lawyer can refer you to one if you can't find one on your own!

 

[Pimptress J]

1. Meet with the prospective counsleor, if you like them and your SO doesn't, don't go back. The same goes if they like the counselor and you don't. It leads to feelings of taking sides and more resentment.
2. If the counselor shows any hint of taking sides, end the session and find someone else.
3. You have to be willing to be totally honest with this person, if you can't do that, are afraid to, or embarrassed about your honest feelings, and what you want to change, what needs to change, whatever, don't waste your money or time, a counselor won't be able to help.
4. Check with your local woman's shelter, they should have good leads, be sure to tell them however that you aren't being abused.
Local mental health hospitals are a good starting point as well.

 

[Noor]

It also helps if the counselor is culturally sensitive and knowledge about your particular culture. As them, if you are a minority religion check out their views on it, if you like some certain kink or are poly make sure they can handle it.

My ex-lover and I had the lovely experience in couples therapy once where the therapist thought that having his mom living with us was the problem, which it wasn't. she merely an unpleasant added attraction. He and I come from cultures where having your mom live with you if she is alone is not unusual, the therapist came from one where children and parents split at age 18.

 

[Pimptress J]

Must agree, the intial meeting with a prospective therapist should go a bit like this-

Introductions, then he/she should ask what it is that the both of you hope to gain by being there. They should then tell you about their backround, training, religious beliefs (if any), and marital status.
The religious thing became a big deal to me,when this woman started going on about how I should "surrender to my husband's and to God's will." Yeah, since I am such a huge believer in that.

It boils down to comfort, if you aren't comfortable with them, it won't help.

 

[SweetErika]

Find a good marriage counselor.

So for all those out there that have been to a marriage counselor, how did you pick which one you went to? Good/bad things to look for? Things to ask? Any good/bad experiences with them?

Sorry it's just a bunch of questions, but I'm not in the mood, nor do I think I really need to go into detail about things. But I could be wrong, so if details are needed for better results, just say so, I'll give some general ones. And as always, thank you guys. I don't know what I'd do without Lit sometimes.

Good advice. We went for premarital counselling and had a horrible experience...the counselor told us we shouldn't plan a wedding until we worked all of our issues out (versus trying to help us work on them). My husband and I both felt attacked and judged and didn't go back. Amazingly enough, it brought us closer together and we work things out ourselves, although I'd go see someone else if the need arises in the future. Good luck!

 

[fgarvb1]

I think most marriage counselors are crackers anyway.

The only one I went insisted I was right about everything.

That's simply not possible.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[sheath]

Find a therapist who's goal is to help you both become emotionally healthy and create an emotionally healthy marriage- not who's goal it is to make you stay married.

I agree with that. I went through more counseling with my ex-husband than I like to think about. It seemed every counselor we tried was focusing on 'save the marriage'...when you think about it, if you work to become 'emotionally healthy' as CutieMouse so eloquently stated, then saving the marriage becomes the end result anyway. Or at least, that's how it's supposed to work.

If you feel as though a counselor is focusing on that goal, find another one. And be aware that you will probably have to go through several before you find someone who works for you.

Good luck...

S.

 

[Hotred911]

Thank you all for the replies. I've decided I will start seeing a therapist fore myself before we go to marriage counseling. Who knows, maybe me seeing a therapist will improve things in our marriage. But I will keep these things in mind when we get to that stage. Again, thank you all.

 

[warrior queen]

i had an absolutely awful experience with a marriage counsellor a couple of years ago.
he was about 50, had a comb-over, and had the most amazing facial tick you've ever seen.
the whole left side of his face would crease up, eye close, cheek twitch, nose wrinkle, mouth twist kind of thing.
i swear, even his left ear moved!

quite apart from which, he had a tendency to say automatically that all our problems stemmed from my being afraid of men because every man in my life had 'abandoned' me by dying or leaving - completely ignoring the fact that SO had manic depression, and then said that SO's manic was my fault!!!!

i got up after a painful hour of this, told him he was full of shit and headed for the door.
as i got there, i turned back to see SO and therapist looking at me shocked, and said to the counsellor "Oh and by the way, your tick has messed up your comb-over!"

as i walked out, he was frantically patting at his hair, face twitching uncontrollably.

SO was not amused.

next attempt was equally as bad with a female therapist, and i have come to the conclusion that i am better off without them.
if i screw up my relationship/life, well hey - life happens.

but i sure as hell am not going to let some highly educated know-it-all (and in all likelyhood, completely childless, single and celibate) counsellor, try and convince me it's ALL my fault.

good luck with your efforts to find a good therapist.

 

[Mskey]

be prepared to go through quite a few sessions where you leave wondering how the therapist ever got a license, at least that's been my experience.

Other then that I would say go inot it with an open mind an an open heart. Marriage counseling isn't about blaming anyone for anything, and it's not about determining fault. Our therapist once told me after a particularly grueling session in which I was sure she would see my point and side with me , " I'm not here to assign blame or dole out punishment, The two of you have been doing just fine handling that without paying me. If you want to hear someone agree with every flaw you find in your partner stick to griping to your friends. My job is to show you how you respond to the way you treat each other and then to show you healthier ways to handle it." It took a while to find someone who's focus wasn't insisting that our marriage be salvaged, but rather insisting that WE decide if salvaging our marriage was something we wanted to try our hands at and then giving us the tools to do it.

Best of luck to you, marriage counseling isn't easy, but if you go into without hesitation it can be beneficial.