How to ... write a PM to a woman

[KimGordon67]

Another great read on the topic

I like the job application analogy - we all 'edit' ourselves a bit for jobs, but we can't outrightly lie, because it'll come out in the wash. The only thing I'd to that is much the same thing I now thing about applying for jobs - it's not your responsibility to be the right person for the job; it's the employer's responsibility to work out if you are BUT you have to give them the relevant information on which to base that decision. (I think that addition to the analogy works ... hopefully?)

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1432802

 

[KimGordon67]

5. Don't tell her about your marriage (unless there's a good reason to)

'I'm married' is about the extent of the information anyone needs in the first PM (and possibly ever) - and maybe think about just putting that in your profile. Unless you have some indication from her profile or posts that she might be up for discussing marital problems, don't mention yours. I know some people come here to seek solace, but don't assume that's the case without any indication, and sometimes the 'solace' is just a break from everything. For me (and I know I'm not alone in this), getting the opening PM containing anything about 'unhappily married', 'sexless life', or anything along those lines just puts me off. Yes, I've ended up having ongoing things with people who are in that position, and we have ended up talking about it, but it's NOT what attracted me to them. Mostly, I want to talk to someone who's going to be cheerful and make me laugh.

Also, don't assume that she wants to tell you about her marriage unless she indicates she might. And really don't ask her if she has kids, how old they are, etc etc. I know in 99% of cases it's just because you're interested, but it sets of alarm bells, and in my experience, with good reason.

 

[iamincognito45]

What does not appeal to me is, "I am a fireman, let's chat." Really, do you think all women go into a swoon every time she sees or hears a man in uniform? Okay, you put out fire and go into tall buildings that collapse, but can you say something interesting?

Most firemen I know ARE very interesting, but anyone who leads a PM with that declaration probably isn't a fireman anyway...

I'm a home cook. I had a guy chat with me that said he went to culinary school which I thought was interesting. I shouldn't have asked questions. Either he went to culinary school and learned very little or he didn't actually go to culinary school.

This topic is probably not going to change much. I've noticed the guys that typically contact me with ridiculous messages rarely post so I assume they rarely read beyond the personals or fetish sections. Heck, most probably don't go beyond reading the currently online list.

I think there is a recurring theme here... Like the man that claims to have a big cock, or love eating pussy or being the Dom on Lit... Whether in his Nic, his profile or his opening PM volley... If you have to go so far out of your way to say it, it should be a big red flag.

Early in any relationship (real life or Lit), it's important to pay attention, to engage the other person. Not brag about your prowess or exploits. These are not effective techniques...

As I have offered before, it's a really low bar to stand out here. Be around, have some posts and thoughts of your own, pay attention to the ladies. Those few things (read - effort) will serve you well. Sadly, it's a bar so few make an effort to reach...

 

[KimGordon67]

'Pay attention' is excellent, and that goes both ways.

I always feel awful when I have an ongoing conversation with someone, and then it drops away for some reason, and then they message three months later ... and I honestly can't remember a thing about them or what we talked about. And the reason I feel bad is because it seems like I wasn't paying attention. I really WAS in the midst of the conversation, but later on it's all sort of slipped away.

I think there is a recurring theme here... Like the man that claims to have a big cock, or love eating pussy or being the Dom on Lit... Whether in his Nic, his profile or his opening PM volley... If you have to go so far out of your way to say it, it should be a big red flag.

Early in any relationship (real life or Lit), it's important to pay attention, to engage the other person. Not brag about your prowess or exploits. These are not effective techniques...

As I have offered before, it's a really low bar to stand out here. Be around, have some posts and thoughts of your own, pay attention to the ladies. Those few things (read - effort) will serve you well. Sadly, it's a bar so few make an effort to reach...

 

[KimGordon67]

6. Be fun(ny)

"If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything" - Marilyn Monroe (maybe).

There's few things as sexy as a good sense of humour. As noted in a thread linked above, don't just SAY you have a GSOH (because, honestly, we all think that about ourselves) - actually be the funny.

If you're not a naturally hilarious person, at least be fun ... say something lighthearted about her screen name or something she said in a post, make a joke about Trump (because, really, anyone can do that) ... everyone needs more fun in their lives.

 

[KimGordon67]

7. If you're looking for something specific, that's OK

I know we all say we hate the 'do you wanna fuck?' PMs, but really, that's only because we don't wanna fuck (right here and now with a complete stranger). But if that's what you want, that's OK, and at least you've saved everyone a lot of time. Just don't be offended if we say 'thanks but no thanks', or even 'never in a million years' ... just move on until you find the breathing/female/online human being who does wanna fuck.

If you're want incest roleplay, that's fine. The thought makes me screw my nose up like I've smelt something bad, but I (probably) won't tell you that - I'll just say 'not for me thanks', and you can move on. Don't get all miffy and tell me I'm an uptight prude, nor try to convince me that I really do want incest roleplay. Most of us who've been around here for a while have a pretty good sense of what we do and don't find interesting. Again, you need to trust us on that. You might have indeed won Survivor Incest RP, and be the most amazing incest roleplayer around ... but still, I'm not interested. (OK, I probably would find that interesting, but not in the sense of actually wanting to do the RP.)

It helps if you try to couch your interest in terms that make it clear you know not everyone shares your fascination with sexy times with family members. That makes it easier for us to be polite and pleasant when say 'thanks but no thanks'.

 

[KimGordon67]

9. Proofread, just quickly

Nothing says 'I care' like properly spelt words forming grammatical sentences.

 

[neakman]

Why does no one ever say 'I'm a social worker - wanna chat?' or 'I'm a chef' ... I'd actually find talking with a chef super interesting. A guy who can cook is of much more use to me than a guy who puts out fires.

only if you weren't on fire....

 

[KimGordon67]

only if you weren't on fire....

I pretty much avoid being on fire most of the time ... I find I'm often hungry though.

 

[curvycutie39]

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[curvycutie39]

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[KimGordon67]

10. You probably aren't really the domliest dom*

*'Domliest' is not my work - I stole it from someone else ... I think maybe CookieCat?

For those of us who lurk around the kinkier corners of Lit, there's a special brand of PMer ... the ones who are looking for someone to 'train'. Trust me here ... if we wanted someone to train us, we'd make that pretty clear, without you needing to generously offer your services ... or, more likely, attempt to demand we take said services.
If you're looking for a sub, I would say it's particularly important to do your research. 'Sub' is not a universal concept ... they come in all shapes and sizes, and many who appear to have these tendencies don't necessarily identify as submissive. So if you're looking for a pet to train, have a quick scan through your potential target's relevant posts and see if it really seems likely they fit the profile you're looking for.

Also, yes, we really do know what we want ... mostly, we're not needing some domly guy to show the wonderful world of submission to us. Even if you've won Survivor: BDSM Island. Or The Biggest Dom. Or Master ... (I was going for a wordplay on MasterChef there, but then realised it was redundant).

And even if everything seems to be in your favour, unless your target has specifically requested it, I really advise against giving orders in your first, or even your second, and probably not even your third PM. Also, try to resist the urge to call your target 'slut' unless there's clear indication she'll like that. Some people love that sort of thing, but others will literally hang up in the middle of a heated session of pain-play if someone they know and love calls them a slut. (Yes, that would be me.)

I know this is a touchy area, because there seem to be as many different version of BDSM play as there are people doing it, and my version is poles apart from that of a lot of people. But that's all the more reason to not assume anything. Saying 'I'm dom, you're sub, let's go' is about as silly as saying 'I'm a gay guy, you're a gay guy, let's go'.

 

[Nezhul]

It's all good and well, bu this thread should really be renamed into "How to write PM to KimGordon and what ticks her off."

I don't think there's any reason to write PM's to women in general - unless you really need to discuss something that came up in some thread on the forum and don't want to flood the place up.
But if you decide to do so - I believe it's a personal thing and cannot be boiled down to rules.

 

[KimGordon67]

It's all good and well, bu this thread should really be renamed into "How to write PM to KimGordon and what ticks her off."

I don't think there's any reason to write PM's to women in general - unless you really need to discuss something that came up in some thread on the forum and don't want to flood the place up.
But if you decide to do so - I believe it's a personal thing and cannot be boiled down to rules.

I'd refer you to the first paragraph of the first post.
In fact, men PM women all the time, for all sorts of reasons. I'm often PM men too, sometimes randomly, for all sorts of reasons. And men often bemoan the fact that they never/seldom get responses. Some of the things I've mentioned in here are gathered from a range of sources, not just me, and some of them are things I've seen guys do over and over and over again.
If you don't see the need to PM women, then this is clearly not the thread for you.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[KimGordon67]

Lol, as you saw Kim I had the day job pm in my pm box this morning. As part of getting to know someone to be a friend or more, sure, as an introduction or a sole or main description it's bizarre.

Were they a firefighter? Or a chef? Because otherwise ... meh.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[DeeRyder]

So after being in here for a while, and being female, I've received my fair share of PMs from guys, pretty much running the gamut of possibilities (although, weirdly, no dick pics ... and no, this is not an invitation to send me a dick pic). It's struck me over time that there's a whole range of ways of attempting to strike up an exchange that just don't work, or at least don't work for me, but there also seem to be a fair few guys saying 'women never respond to my PMs' ... so here's a place where those of us who like a healthy conversation might put some hints.

This is NOT a thread about 'how to PM a woman if you want to get off in the next 90 seconds'. I have no idea how you'd do that. This thread is premised on the assumption that you're wanting to have a conversation with said woman, that may or may not lead to something else. It's based around the idea that people on the interweb are still human beings who just interact like human beings do ... although the context does introduce some previously unlikely variables.

Anyone who feels inclined to contribute is welcome to. I don't expect many people will come looking for this thread, but if it turns into something useful, I'd like to add the link to my profile so that I don't have to keep repeating myself.

This is a bit gender-specific, because that's sort of the nature of Lit - men tend to send the majority of PMs, and women tend to receive the majority of them. But I suspect most of what gets said in here would apply either way - certainly, if I do PM someone, I do exactly what I'd want someone to do if they were PMing me.

Preliminary reading definitely includes these two threads:
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=387054&page=202
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1066358

Hey Kim Gordon Read Ur profile Biography, I like Ur style, BTW you are not a beat around the bush, intriguing Woman, makes me curious on what a converse with you could lead up to ? I get the notion it would far from boring, and an exciting exchange ! With logical thinking two can feed off the others input. I'm kind of new in here, but I think that is what the site is about. I sure would be interested in a chat. I try to be good natured and respectful to who ever I am talking with. I read over Ur Woman PM guidelines, looks like common sense to me ! Pleasure to acquainte myself to you, hopefully You & I can converse sometime in the future.

 

[MeekMe]

Post 37 is a major one for me. I once had someone completely ignore asking ME if I was even interested and went straight to asking if the one that orders me around "shares." Where's the vomit emoji around here? Another, would have avoided some embarrassment if he knew just how much I detest generic Tumblr BDSM photos. He sent me a link to a picture and asked if it turned me on. Nope. Not even a twitch.

As an s-type we aren't all desperate for any d-type that drops by. I'm VERY picky and 99% have no chance.

Please, if you must PM me, identify yourself immediately by taking none of the advice in this thread so that I may shut you down quickly and save us both some time.

 

[KimGordon67]

Post 37 is a major one for me. I once had someone completely ignore asking ME if I was even interested and went straight to asking if the one that orders me around "shares." Where's the vomit emoji around here? Another, would have avoided some embarrassment if he knew just how much I detest generic Tumblr BDSM photos. He sent me a link to a picture and asked if it turned me on. Nope. Not even a twitch.

As an s-type we aren't all desperate for any d-type that drops by. I'm VERY picky and 99% have no chance.

Please, if you must PM me, identify yourself immediately by taking none of the advice in this thread so that I may shut you down quickly and save us both some time.

Yes, that particular post was written with a few of us in mind - I know I'm not the only one to have had that particular experience. More than once. I like your use of s-type - it makes me sound like a Jaguar, which I'm quite happy with.

 

[FGB]

I probably should have been clear that these thoughts probably won't be much help to those seeking RL meetings - that's a different ballgame.

Although I think the notion of 'talking a woman into' meeting is a little problematic - that implies the sort of 'game' that I think doesn't really work very well for all concerned.

Depends on what both parties are looking for. I was looking for basically a FWB.

Someone I could date occasionally, take on vacations..take out on a date...

Someone that likes sex yet doesn't fuck everything male that walks. Not vanilla.

Not a Drama Queen with a train load of Baggage! Some years younger than me whom still has a fire down below. A person that knows the difference between right and wrong and that you do not have to watch all the time.

Well mannered such that they can be taken out in public and not have worry about them going off on somebody for no reason. Someone whom is not clingy and does not have to know every thing I do all day long everyday.

Damned hard to find.

But I did.

I had an interesting time talking her into talking to me! The married four times required the equivalent of a four page letter of explanation. She said that that was what caused her to consider at least messaging on the Dating site to see if she wanted to talk by phone. I was flat out honest with my assessment of my relationships.

Yes, I went the extra mile because I REALLY liked her story, picture and attitude!

She had already had enough of that site and had cancelled her membership and was waiting for it to run out.

Could I do better? Yes. Could I do worse? Oh, Hell Yes!

 

[HumasWanderingWeiner]

i agree with every single post on this thread. well said! !

You can say that again. Oh wait, you did.

 

[HumasWanderingWeiner]

I like the job application analogy - we all 'edit' ourselves a bit for jobs, but we can't outrightly lie, because it'll come out in the wash. The only thing I'd to that is much the same thing I now thing about applying for jobs - it's not your responsibility to be the right person for the job; it's the employer's responsibility to work out if you are BUT you have to give them the relevant information on which to base that decision. (I think that addition to the analogy works ... hopefully?)

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1432802

I think I needed to perform some more editing before I submitted that as I see an error in my FIRST SENTENCE! It's not enormous messages. Its enormous VOLUMES of messages. Doh. My most creative moments come when I am half crocked yet my proofreading skills erode immensely during those times.

I might add that those, me included, posting or PMing on phones really need to proof read before sending as autocorrect and the use of our opposible digits makes us prone to more mistakes.

 

[Cme2]

So after being in here for a while, and being female, I've received my fair share of PMs from guys, pretty much running the gamut of possibilities (although, weirdly, no dick pics ... and no, this is not an invitation to send me a dick pic). It's struck me over time that there's a whole range of ways of attempting to strike up an exchange that just don't work, or at least don't work for me, but there also seem to be a fair few guys saying 'women never respond to my PMs' ... so here's a place where those of us who like a healthy conversation might put some hints.

This is NOT a thread about 'how to PM a woman if you want to get off in the next 90 seconds'. I have no idea how you'd do that. This thread is premised on the assumption that you're wanting to have a conversation with said woman, that may or may not lead to something else. It's based around the idea that people on the interweb are still human beings who just interact like human beings do ... although the context does introduce some previously unlikely variables.

Anyone who feels inclined to contribute is welcome to. I don't expect many people will come looking for this thread, but if it turns into something useful, I'd like to add the link to my profile so that I don't have to keep repeating myself.

This is a bit gender-specific, because that's sort of the nature of Lit - men tend to send the majority of PMs, and women tend to receive the majority of them. But I suspect most of what gets said in here would apply either way - certainly, if I do PM someone, I do exactly what I'd want someone to do if they were PMing me.

Preliminary reading definitely includes these two threads:
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=387054&page=202
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1066358

KimGordon67,

I read some of your posts, including this one. They are both the fun, intuitive, and also advisory. I find them interesting and fascinating. They are fascinating from the point of view that they make so much sense, especially for those who care to get the point.

It reminds me of what one of my bosses during my corporate carrier days said at one of our annual division meeting, quoting him "...young man, your idea makes a lot of sense, and that's precisely why we are not going to use it..." Of course, he was being very sarcastic to illustrate how ridiculous some of the events happening in the organization at the time were.

In applying the example above to your posts, I am in agreement, and I say "...a word is enough for the wise". Enjoyed reading your posts.

 

[KimGordon67]

Hey Kim Gordon Read Ur profile Biography, I like Ur style, BTW you are not a beat around the bush, intriguing Woman, makes me curious on what a converse with you could lead up to ? I get the notion it would far from boring, and an exciting exchange ! With logical thinking two can feed off the others input. I'm kind of new in here, but I think that is what the site is about. I sure would be interested in a chat. I try to be good natured and respectful to who ever I am talking with. I read over Ur Woman PM guidelines, looks like common sense to me ! Pleasure to acquainte myself to you, hopefully You & I can converse sometime in the future.

I'm entirely unsure how to respond to this ...