How to view my first guy...

[justfuckmenow]

My first time was great...

At least that's what I thought for a while. Even after the week was over and I went home from Italy, I still thought that.

Then I had sex with a few more people, and I realized something.

1. He caused a lot more pain than he had to. I'm not a big one for pain, even when it's mixed with pleasure.
2. He didn't really listen to me or concentrate on MY pleasure much.
3. I shouldn't have let him embarrass me in front of all of his friends.
4. I should have slapped him when I wanted to after he pulled my shirt down WITHOUT MY PERMISSION in front of his friends.
5. He's thirty years older than me. I am 18. This shouldn't have happened at all.
6. I shouldn't have put up with him fucking my friend at the same time.
7. He used my ignorance about birth control to avoid protection.

I feel guilty that I didn't stand up for myself. I feel angry that he took advantage of me. I feel hurt that someone I (mistakenly) trusted would cause me so much pain out of pure selfishness. I feel empty because the world did not care. And I feel confused because I let it happen and even believed it was right.

I don't know what to call this betrayal of trust.

At first I insisted that it was legal, it was right, it was no one else's business... but when the realizations poured in, I was shocked at him.

Because I did not say no, is it still rape? He knew I was innocent, that I didn't understand things, and he was 30 years older and using me.

Is it abuse?

Is it anything at all?

------EMPTY & CONFUSED

 

[SweetErika]

If you didn't say no/stop or you weren't impaired (being naive doesn't qualify; being drunk, drugged or not having the intellectual capacity to make decisions does) or under some kind of threat of harm, it wasn't rape or sexual assault.

It sounds like he did abuse your naivete, trust and technically harassed or assaulted you by pulling your shirt down.

While it's shitty and painful, the vast majority of us get taken advantage of or used at some point, and I don't think it's helpful to try to associate that with criminal behavior or being victimized.

What generally IS helpful is to see it as a good learning experience, thank our lucky stars it wasn't worse, and move on with some new, incredibly valuable knowledge in mind. Doing so doesn't make the bad behavior right in any way or dismiss our feelings about it, but it usually helps us deal with it better and be happier and healthier by living in the future, instead of dwelling on the past.

Have you ever noticed how some people seem to be perpetual victims and are terribly unhappy? You know, they're the people who always blame the shit we all go through on others and their horrendous luck, and awful stuff seems to keep happening to them constantly? Well, those people don't really have worse luck than anyone else, they just blow everything out of proportion and dwell on the past, instead of looking towards a brighter future.

Anyway, I think calling something that wasn't rape "rape" or dwelling on being victimized (as opposed to surviving, being fortunate it wasn't worse, and being grateful for the valuable lessons it has to offer) is 'perpetual victim' behavior/mindset, whereas learning, healing and moving on is 'strong person' behavior/mindset. So, while doing some grieving (if necessary) and working through it is healthy, I think you have to decide which type of mindset you want to adapt, and type of person you ultimately want to be. Victim or survivor? Weakened by pain or strengthened by good knowledge from bad experiences? Generally negative or positive? Empty or fulfilled? Generally miserable or generally happy?

I don't know if that helps or not, but those are my thoughts on it, based on a lot of experience, ranging from being used/taken advantage of to being raped and tortured.

Take good care of yourself, and it sounds like you've already established a pattern of learning and finding better partners.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

People do very stupid things on holiday, you're not the first and won't be the last.

You could have been murdered by this man. You had no idea who he was or what he was capable of. As Erika said, it could have been worse and you need to be grateful that you escaped without being any more abused than you were. It was not rape but it was a really shitty thing for him to do.

Admit it though, you allowed this to happen. You didn't slap him and fuck off when he opened your shirt, you didn't object to him fucking your friend. Ignorance about birth control? I don't know of many 18 year olds in the western world who've never heard of condoms. You went along with it at the time because it was new and wild and exciting and you wanted to lose your virginity. I agree that you picked a total asshole but you still picked him and went along with his behaviour. It's no good blaming him for the choices you made because you feel cheap and used in retrospect.

Move on from this and learn from it. The worst thing you can do is to allow this to erode your self esteem and let you fall into a pattern of being used by assholes because you no longer believe you deserve better. What you did doesn't change who you are, it was a stupid mistake and we all make them. The difference lies in how we take responsibility for our actions and move on to make more positive and informed choices.

You need to get to your nearest family planning centre and get checked for STIs. If it is less than 72 hours since you first had unprotected penetrative intercourse with this guy you still have the option of taking emergency contraception or 'the morning after pill.' Talk about getting yourself put on a contraceptive pill so this doesn't happen again but if he used no protection, it's possible you could wind up pregnant so you'll need to do a test soon. If necessary, you'll have to consider your options regarding a pregnancy. Be honest with the staff at the clinic, believe me when I tell you that they've heard it all before. Take home a truckload of complementary condoms and think carefully before trying them out with anyone else. Sex isn't something to be rushed into - as you've learned the hard way. I hope your experiences in the future are much better ones.

You may need some counselling as I don't see you admitting this to anyone except the friend involved. How does she feel about everything now? Lean on each other and learn and grow together, don't let this destroy your friendship and be the elephant in the room that you never talk about. Do what you need to do to get closure on this experience and put it behind you completely.

 

[where]

My first time was great...


Is it anything at all?

------EMPTY & CONFUSED

It was your first time and you now realise it was crap. People have bad sex all the time. This was an occasion when you had really bad sex. Forget it and move on.

But get educated about safe sex for god's sake.

 

[Duvet_Thief]

God, that sounds awful. Do get yourself checked out for STDs, and put it down to experience - no one likes learning the hard way, though. So sorry.
And I hope you've had better experiences since then.
x

 

[PertPerth]

You were young and immature...you made a mistake and that is okay! We all make mistakes, it's human nature.
*thinks back to my first time*
My first time was with a guy who I didn't know that well, but I REALLY wanted him to like me. So, even though I didn't want to have sex with him, I didn't say "no". That's not rape - that's me being a teenager and learning the hard way about men.

I have to admit I'm VERY surprised that you claim to be ignorant about birth control. I remember learning how to put a condom on (at school) when I was 15. Surely the education system hasn't changed that sort of thing?? I thought that the sex-ed classes were starting younger these days??

Agreed on the "letting him have sex with your friend". You let him. It was a mistake. Forgive yourself and move on.

No, it wasn't abuse. A holiday fling which lasts a week is not what I'd call an abusive relationship. It was a holiday fling. It was possibly your low selfesteem, but not abuse. Don't beat yourself up over it, we all make mistakes.

 

[rthnck]

5. He's thirty years older than me. I am 18. This shouldn't have happened at all.

Sadly you lost your virginity to an immature selfish 'man'. If he had been the same age as you I could almost understand all the other observations and chalk them up to immaturity and teenage exuberance but you deserved much better from a 48(?) year old man.

It's not rape. You're 18 and at the age of consent and you appear to have willingly given it up

It is abuse. He didn't respect you, he didn't respect your feelings. He treated you like a one-night stand where he got to brag to his friends about his hot 18-year old conquest and he obviously considered it a no-strings-attached encounter.

The best thing you can do is take away the lessons you learned (and the associated pain) and take control of your relationships.

 

[RozieMozie]

i agree with everyone else

learn from this bad experience ... u now know what to look out for to avoid jerks like him

it was abuse though ... it sounded like he didnt care one bit about u, and only about himself and showing off his new very young trophy to his friends

im very srry tht u learned this lesson the hard way ... and pls do learn from it! *hugs*

if it helps u any, i was sexually abused, but could not call it rape since there was no penetration ... he always insisted on taking more than i was willing to give ... he didnt date me, in fact he admitted i was his "girl on the side" ... but he was cute and i liked the attention he gave me (when he was not pushy) and kept going back to him ... i was 15, unpopular and didnt have enough confidence in my self to stand up to him ... i met DRoc shortly after he lost interest in me and the look on his face the first time he saw me with DRoc was priceless!

 

[justfuckmenow]

If you didn't say no/stop or you weren't impaired (being naive doesn't qualify; being drunk, drugged or not having the intellectual capacity to make decisions does) or under some kind of threat of harm, it wasn't rape or sexual assault.

It sounds like he did abuse your naivete, trust and technically harassed or assaulted you by pulling your shirt down.

While it's shitty and painful, the vast majority of us get taken advantage of or used at some point, and I don't think it's helpful to try to associate that with criminal behavior or being victimized.

What generally IS helpful is to see it as a good learning experience, thank our lucky stars it wasn't worse, and move on with some new, incredibly valuable knowledge in mind. Doing so doesn't make the bad behavior right in any way or dismiss our feelings about it, but it usually helps us deal with it better and be happier and healthier by living in the future, instead of dwelling on the past.

Have you ever noticed how some people seem to be perpetual victims and are terribly unhappy? You know, they're the people who always blame the shit we all go through on others and their horrendous luck, and awful stuff seems to keep happening to them constantly? Well, those people don't really have worse luck than anyone else, they just blow everything out of proportion and dwell on the past, instead of looking towards a brighter future.

Anyway, I think calling something that wasn't rape "rape" or dwelling on being victimized (as opposed to surviving, being fortunate it wasn't worse, and being grateful for the valuable lessons it has to offer) is 'perpetual victim' behavior/mindset, whereas learning, healing and moving on is 'strong person' behavior/mindset. So, while doing some grieving (if necessary) and working through it is healthy, I think you have to decide which type of mindset you want to adapt, and type of person you ultimately want to be. Victim or survivor? Weakened by pain or strengthened by good knowledge from bad experiences? Generally negative or positive? Empty or fulfilled? Generally miserable or generally happy?

I don't know if that helps or not, but those are my thoughts on it, based on a lot of experience, ranging from being used/taken advantage of to being raped and tortured.

Take good care of yourself, and it sounds like you've already established a pattern of learning and finding better partners.

Thanks for your response. I really wasn't sure what to call the whole situation. I agree with you, though. Moving on and having a positive attitude is important. It's just easier to move on when I have a name for what happened instead of just a confusing whirl of emotions. But I guess it hit me so hard because I had always been scared of guys (past abuse) and the first time I let myself trust one, this is what I got.

Ignorance about birth control? I don't know of many 18 year olds in the western world who've never heard of condoms. You went along with it at the time because it was new and wild and exciting and you wanted to lose your virginity. I agree that you picked a total asshole but you still picked him and went along with his behaviour. It's no good blaming him for the choices you made because you feel cheap and used in retrospect.

I really was ignorant, hard as that may be to believe. I had never even kissed a guy before then. I believed that the withdrawal method was almost foolproof, stupid as that seems in hindsight. But you're right, I did go along with him and basically was complacent in the situation.

Move on from this and learn from it. The worst thing you can do is to allow this to erode your self esteem and let you fall into a pattern of being used by assholes because you no longer believe you deserve better. What you did doesn't change who you are, it was a stupid mistake and we all make them. The difference lies in how we take responsibility for our actions and move on to make more positive and informed choices.

You need to get to your nearest family planning centre and get checked for STIs. If it is less than 72 hours since you first had unprotected penetrative intercourse with this guy you still have the option of taking emergency contraception or 'the morning after pill.' Talk about getting yourself put on a contraceptive pill so this doesn't happen again but if he used no protection, it's possible you could wind up pregnant so you'll need to do a test soon. If necessary, you'll have to consider your options regarding a pregnancy. Be honest with the staff at the clinic, believe me when I tell you that they've heard it all before. Take home a truckload of complementary condoms and think carefully before trying them out with anyone else. Sex isn't something to be rushed into - as you've learned the hard way. I hope your experiences in the future are much better ones.

You may need some counselling as I don't see you admitting this to anyone except the friend involved. How does she feel about everything now? Lean on each other and learn and grow together, don't let this destroy your friendship and be the elephant in the room that you never talk about. Do what you need to do to get closure on this experience and put it behind you completely.

I seem to have a tendency to only be attracted to assholes, anyway. But I did get checked for STDs, I am not pregnant, I took home condoms, and I am on birth control now. And you're right-- I have had trouble talking about it face-to-face. I should probably talk about it in counseling. My friend and I have not let it interfere too much with our friendship, although we don't really talk about it too much to each other.

 

[justfuckmenow]

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. It means a lot.

 

[EjAcKuLaToR]

A lesson for the future.

Pardon my direct-ness please. I don't candy coat anything. I may not be 100% right, but I do care about you and I believe I speak the truth. I'm just not going to sit here and act like you're a 100% innocent victim of this guy. You allowed this to happen to you and you could have stopped it (or at least attempted to) if you had any personal pride. It wasn't rape. You WILLINGLY did it and then did stuff with others too (exposing them to the disease potential you exposed yourself to which makes you an ass).

Don't be anyone's victim. Your sexual experience was something you initially thought was alright. What I'm wondering is "what was wrong with your initial thinking". Don't take this offensively, but constructively. It's damn hard for someone to use someone else if they aren't allowed to do so.

You need to re-think the way you engage in sexual situations. You acted irresponsibly with your body and could (God forbid) pay the ultimate price for doing so. Before you victimize someone else, make sure you don't have an STD.

Take pride in yourself. If you'll have sex with someone 30 years older than you who just humiliated you, then you're the problem, not him. He's a jerk, a real prick who certainly took advantage of the situation, but effectually he is only an opportunist and you are stupid for allowing this jackass to have his way with you.

Sorry for the rude words, but honestly, there is no way I'd be interested in a girl who would allow herself to be treated like that. Build up some pride, protect yourself and your future sexual partners and treat YOURSELF as if you're worth something.

If you treat yourself as though you're worth nothing, then don't blame others for doing the same. People pick up on your lack of self-worth and they'll capitalize on it.

It's a very sad situation, and I'm very sorry you endured what you did, but please take my frankness to heart. I don't say these things to be a jerk, but I'm not going to coddle you and act like you're a victim here. You ALLOWED this to happen. Don't allow it in the future.

Part of growing up is learning when it's necessary to tell people to fuck off. You should have told that guy to fuck off, and you should have used your brain and ended up making love with a real nice guy instead of that prick. But don't be confused. It was YOU who made the decision to take the panties off for him.

Jack

 

[KokopelliRises]

I wouldn't say it was abuse, assault or rape. I think the most you could claim was coercion. My ex was about the same age as I am, but still there were problems, especially many occasions that my spirit was not in it at all, but I said yes anyway. There was consent, but there was also coercion. Since then, fully, freely, and openly given consent on the part of all parties involved is my requirement. Otherwise, no go.

 

[Emilio_di_Roccabruna]

Well, judging from your screen name, justfuckmenow, I guess you have moved on from this idiotic individual.
Ok, please forgive me for the stupid joke, but the best I can say is that you just found an asshole and you should learn from this how to identify and avoid future assholes! Not everyone is like that, even here in Italy, so I am sure that with a little bit of patience and concentration you can certainly find someone who will appreciate you as you are and treat you as a fellow human being, rather than an object!

Good luck!

P.S. Did this happen in Naples, by any chance?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Don't be anyone's victim. Your sexual experience was something you initially thought was alright. What I'm wondering is "what was wrong with your initial thinking". Don't take this offensively, but constructively. It's damn hard for someone to use someone else if they aren't allowed to do so.

Very well put and the main reason I suggested counselling. Also, friends should look out for one another rather than get coerced into group sex or partner swapping. Why was there this conspiracy of silence between them that allowed this guy to press his advantage without either girl speaking out and telling him exactly where to stick himself? This is potentially a disastrous way to be initiated into sex and intimacy. The cycle must be broken before it starts and that requires the help and counsel of someone older and wiser than themselves. They could even go to counselling together if it is easier.

 

[In Anticipation]

It was abuse in my view. You have chosen an odd username all things considered.

To PertPerth: Birth control education varies around the world, I wouldn't be surprised that in a country nominally Catholic like Italy if they aren't singing the praises of condoms in schools.