How to tell

[Hotred911]

Just a warning...this is going to be long. The reason I'm warning is because I believe that there's a good deal of information I should share to get the best results.

Okay, so here we go...

Four and half years ago I was blessed with my little man. I was very young, and thought I was in love. But before my son was born I split up with his father. He was there for the delivery, is on the birth certificate, and was involved in his life until T reached 6 months.

At 6 months, I had gotten in touch with an old love, and we got back together. T and I moved to Florida to be with him. I continued to make sure T had contact with his father, as I felt(and to some degee still feel) he has every right to know his biological father. After a year of living in Florida, I get a phone call telling me he wants to sign over his rights, and quit considering himself Ts' dad when we moved. This has yet to happen. I haven't talked to him in two years, although I've kept him up to date on addresses and phone numbers. We're now back in the same state, and he still hasn't contacted me. This is no big suprise to me, after I was pregnant, he admitted he had a 5 year old son, but denied him as his. Saying he forgot the results of the paternity test.

I'm now happily married, and T has never known any other dad but my husband. I'm looking into the process of him signing over his rights so that my husband can adopt him.

So now for my questions...do I tell T, how, when?

I had always thought I would just raise him knowing that my husband wasn't his dad. But now that he's old enough I think he'd understand things a bit, I'm not so sure. I do have pictures of his father with him, and anytime he asks I simply tell him his name.

I'm just unsure of what to do. Any help, advice or tips you wonderful folks have would be greatly appreciated.

 

[msbuzzy]

Try going through domestic relations to see what they can do to help you "sue" to terminate his rights for abandonment. If he doesnt want the child, he wont show up for court and you could get a default judgement. Then you would have a court order terminating his rights and you can start the adoption procedure

 

[SIC]

I dont know what to say here but my bio. father and mom split and my mom married my dad. MY DAD. The reason i say the the my dad(step dad with i dont call him and he treats me the same as my bro and sis) Because i dont know my bio. father and to tell the truth i could care less about him and if i since him the streets i would even say hi i would kick his ass. My bio. father was a drinker and had a problem and my mom left she was young 21. My mom married my dad when i was about 3-4 and i dont know how my bio father is or really what he looks like. Now i could see some of you think my mom raise me to hate him and not at all it just that if he cared about me he would have been at my hockey games and all my other sport shit. But no drinking was more important. So my dad is the only person i ever knew and i think if you kid is young you should tell him to call your husband dad and just be like if you want to c your bio father then say thats ok too.

 

[Hotred911]

Try going through domestic relations to see what they can do to help you "sue" to terminate his rights for abandonment. If he doesnt want the child, he wont show up for court and you could get a default judgement. Then you would have a court order terminating his rights and you can start the adoption procedure

Thanks for bringing this up. I had considered it about a year ago, since after a year it's usually considered abandoment. It was suggested that since he was willing to sign over his rights it may be easier and lest costly to avoid the abandoment charges. But if I find out this is the better way to go, that's what I'll do.

 

[msbuzzy]

Thanks for bringing this up. I had considered it about a year ago, since after a year it's usually considered abandoment. It was suggested that since he was willing to sign over his rights it may be easier and lest costly to avoid the abandoment charges. But if I find out this is the better way to go, that's what I'll do.

Just thought I'd mention it since it doesnt seem like you have talked to him recently and it doesnt seem like he is actually willing at this point to sign over rights even though he has said he would.

 

[Hotred911]

I haven't actually talked to him recently. Any time I talk to him I always end up getting angry, sad, confused...all the those things I hate to feel. The only correspondence I've had with him is through writing. Me writing him.

It's just getting closer to T starting school, and I know when he realizes his last name is different than ours there will be millions of questions. That's why I'd really like to get his rights signed over asap, so we can change his name.

I had thought that after we moved back here he'd want to get all involved again, which was a scary thought for me, but now that he hasn't contacted me....I'm just not sure I even want T to know about him. I know, that is so selfish of me. But I just want to protect him from that hurt of being rejected by his "donor." And again, I know that's wrong, but I rationalize it by thinking if he doesn't know about him it won't hurt.

Go ahead....bash away at me for being a horrible mother, I know it's coming. Just explaining my thoughts.

 

[msbuzzy]

I dont think you are a horrible mother at all. If the biological father wants to act like that, then i'm of the opinion, Fuck him!

This is your child you have to worry about and obviously he doesnt care, so whatever you need to do because you feel is best, is what I think you should do.

Don't let anyone's opinion sway you one way or the other, you do what you and your husband feel is in the best interest of the 3 of you.

I wish you all the best of luck with your decision. I hope it all works out the best way possible in the end for all of you.

 

[fille]

I dont think you are a horrible mother at all. If the biological father wants to act like that, then i'm of the opinion, Fuck him!

This is your child you have to worry about and obviously he doesnt care, so whatever you need to do because you feel is best, is what I think you should do.

Don't let anyone's opinion sway you one way or the other, you do what you and your husband feel is in the best interest of the 3 of you.

I wish you all the best of luck with your decision. I hope it all works out the best way possible in the end for all of you.

I agree that if the bio father doesn't want to be a father, then it's best to just let him disappear. But I don't think you should tell your child that his father didn't want him or didn't want to be a father. Children internalize everything and blame themselves for many things that are none of their fault.

I would not bring the subject up with your son, but instead would wait until he brings it up. When and if he asks, I would just say that although his father cared about him, he just wasn't able to do what it takes to be a parent, and that he wanted his son to have a father who would take care of him properly. Stress that he is a great kid and a great son and he did nothing wrong. Then you can veer off into discussing what a great father the stepdad is and how lucky they are to have each other.

 

[Suzins]

This could be of little to no help but here goes.

I am in somewhat of a similar situation only I don't have a father to supply when that question is asked, nor do I have an answer for her. But seeing as he has two parents who love him already, those questions of biological parents wouldn't be coming up for quite some time. As far as he's concerned he has a family.

I think I would probably visit some kind of adoption website, I'm sure there out there. Ask what they have told their kids to ease into the subject and make sure that above all else that they feel loved.

I know I scour the internet daily trying to find the right way to bring up the topic with my daughter to no avail, hopefully you'll find a bright lightbulb idea soon and you'll feel less stressed, hopefully before an ulcer develops

Good luck and update when you've found a solution, maybe I can use some of your wisdom for myself.

 

[Guest]

 

[capricious_chic]

I'm just not sure I even want T to know about him. I know, that is so selfish of me. But I just want to protect him from that hurt of being rejected by his "donor." And again, I know that's wrong, but I rationalize it by thinking if he doesn't know about him it won't hurt.

Go ahead....bash away at me for being a horrible mother, I know it's coming. Just explaining my thoughts.

I doubt anyone would bash you for wanting to protect your child.

I would caution you that lying to your child is a form of betrayal that will be very difficult for him to reconcile himself with later in life.

My situation is a bit different from yours, but as with most there are similarities. I chose to get pregnant with my second child by someone who I knew wouldn't be involved. Beyond his sperm, I had no use for him. I was young, I really didn't think through the consequences. Perhaps because I was raised in a single-mother household and never had a father around I didn't see the importance of that equation.

The father of my first child provides both of my children with a father figure - even though the second is not his. (We aren't together and haven't been as a couple since shortly after I had my first child). When my second child was able to say "daddy" is when we explained to him that he was lucky enough to have two fathers. We explained together that his daddy wasn't really his bio father but that he loved him and would be the best daddy he could be. He is now 7 and asks questions occasionally, which I always answer as honestly as I can without compromising his youthful idea that his bio father must be a wonderful person - he will figure out at some point what kind of person his bio father is. When he is older and asks more detailed questions and expects more detailed answers I will give them to him. His father does know about him but has no desire to know him. I don't force him to be, in that I don't want child-support.

I do understand where you are coming from though. A part of me never wanted to tell him about his father. I wanted to hide it from him because I was afraid that he would be hurt by it someday. I wanted to sheild him from anything negative. Life doesn't work that way, and many times we have to take the good with the bad. I think it better to learn from us(parents) than to make it up as you go without the maturity to make good decisions.

I would urge to you talk to your child openly and honestly as a family. Explain that families are made up of much more than just a mommy, daddy, child(ren). That families come in all shapes, forms, and sizes. If your husband adopts your son I would display that proudly and make sure he understands the significance of it and how very lucky and special he is to be loved so much. By being open and honest with your child you are laying the foundation for him to be so with you. It would be devastating to learn later that your parents - the people that are always supposed to love you and with whom you should always be able to go to for honest answers - have lied to you for so long.
I would say that you are probably more horrified by the sense of your son being rejected by his bio father than he will be. You don't have to tell him in detail why his bio dad is not around - but you can stress that (esp. if he signs over rights) that he is allowing your husband to be his daddy because your husband loves him so much and wants so much to be his daddy. It is difficult for us to understand how someone could not want their child. I would also say that by the time he is old enough to realize that his bio dad didn't want any involvement, he will also be old enough to understand that it wasn't a rejection of him personally - but of responsibility and children in general. He will make a judgement call on his bio dad at some point - do you want him to make one on you and your husband as well?

 

[SexyChele]

Why would anyone bash you for being a bad mother? As far as I can tell, you are attempting to do the right thing for your son. This is far from being "bad".

I would definitely seek out termination of parental rights. If the father has told you once before he wants to give up the boy and hasn't bothered to contact you or him in any way, then I would think it's just a matter of legalities. I know you stated you don't like talking to him, but work up the nerve. Steel yourself against bad feelings - you are doing this for T, after all, not for you. Keep the conversation on track and simple. (Yes, I would do this in person or over the phone, not in a letter, if at all possible.) Ask him if he is still in favor of giving up parental rights and if he has no desire to be involved with T. If he agrees, then it should be a very simple matter to terminate his rights and begin the adoption process. If the bio father states he doesn't want to terminate his rights or comes up with reasons or gets off track end the conversation and talk to legal aide. It would be best if the bio father gives up his rights voluntarily.

As far as telling T about his bio father? I wouldn't say anything now, not at 4. When your husband adopts him, which may very well take a year, then I would celebrate the day and offer up a simple explanation to T. I would let T know that there is a bio father out there, but do not bad mouth him in any way. He probably won't start asking difficult questions until he is a teen, and by then it will be easier to reason with him. To paraphrase what one person said: any male can father a child, but it takes a special man to be a daddy. If you handle this openly, your son will understand there is a man who gave him half his gene pool, and another man who was there for him as only a father could be.

Good luck - you will get through this!!

 

[Hotred911]

Wow, thanks for all the posts and information everyone. See, I knew this would be a good place to ask.

Unfortunately I don't have a lot of time, so this is going to be short.

My biggest fear about not telling T about his bio. father was him thinking it was a "secret." That's not something I want, and I'd like to be as open and honest about it as I can with him. But if I don't tell him know, when do I tell him without him seeing it as a secret and hating me/us?

Celebrating the adoption day is a great idea, something we'll put into use.

And as far as bad-mouthing his bio. father....that's something I'd never do (at least not when he's anywhere near), I know that doing that would just build up all kinds of feelings inside my poor little man that he doesn't need. It's also a part of the court order, one of the same reasons I continue to update him on phone numbers and addresses.

Once again, thank you all soooo much! You've given great ideas, and I've got a lot more to think about now.

 

[sweetnpetite]

I have a father and a dad.

Tell him the truth and he will accept it. Be sure to tell him that you and 'daddy' love him, and that your husband is as 'real' a dad as it gets, but that he has a biological father who helped to make him.

If you lie, or 'wait' the truth will only come out in a hurtful way. But if he always knows, the truth won't be hurtful and he won't feel like everythig he's ever known is a lie, or that his word has come crashing down around him.

I know this from experience. I was lucky enough to be told the truth. But I've also seen instances where certain people thought they could hurt me by letting this information 'slip' I got the last laugh.

Young children have nothing to compare too. Anything you tell them will seem perfectly normal until someone tells them different. They don't have rules about the way things (like families) are 'supposed' to be.

Tell him the truth from the start and he'll never have to re-examine his entire life to see what this or that 'really' meant. You'll both be glad you did. Also, your husband won't have to live with a fear that he might find out someday and love him any less.

 

[sweetnpetite]

I would not bring the subject up with your son, but instead would wait until he brings it up. When and if he asks, I would just say that although his father cared about him, he just wasn't able to do what it takes to be a parent, and that he wanted his son to have a father who would take care of him properly. Stress that he is a great kid and a great son and he did nothing wrong. Then you can veer off into discussing what a great father the stepdad is and how lucky they are to have each other.

I would just like to add that this is an excellent suggestion.

If the man will agree to give up his rights voluntarily, I think that would be the best way to go. It will be easier to explain to your son that his father stepped aside so that you and your husband and he could be a family, than to tell him that his father just stopped showing up.

"Your boilogical father loved you enough to do what was right for you," leaves a child feeling doubly loved instead of feeling like you don't belong anywhere.

 

[Denae]

I would strongly suggest you go through the court system for termination of parental rights. I work in family court myself and have seen many cases with these issues. I think you just need to protect yourself legally. I don't know if your state offers any lawyer assistance programs where attorneys would answer questions or steer you in the right direction if you needed legal advice. Hiring a good attorney is not a bad idea (ask around for recommendations, search your state's bar site, go to family court and watch some attorneys in action).

I can also add a little bit to when to tell your child. I knew growing up that I had a different last name than my mother. But I knew I was loved by her so much. She married my step-dad when I was 9 years old. Unlike your situation, he wasn't a very loving man to us kids. When I was 14 I accidentally found my birth certificate and my mom's yearbooks where everyone wrote about the love of her life. I never asked my mom about it, but I asked my grandmother & she told me to talk to my mom...Anyway long story short, my "romantic" ideas of being a love child & seeking my biological father were shot to hell. I wasn't the child of my mom's great love. I was the product of rape. That didn't hurt me, but it hurt my mom to talk about it. I was so fortunate that she never showed me anything but love and not as a reminder of what was done to her.

You know your child best and you'll know when to tell him and what to tell him. If he grows up in a house of love, I can't believe that he will be destroyed by it.

Good luck to you and no matter what, trust your instincts and act out of love.

Denae