How to teach self-worth: a parent's dilemma

[bailadora]

Tonight was open house at the school and my daughter was chattering to me about all the paperwork on her desk. As she's guiding me through her "All About Me" journal, I come across this sentence: "The most important thing about me is that I'm beautiful."

As I stand there in shock, I ask her why she thinks her appearance is more important than how smart or how kind she is. And she blithely answers, "Because it just is".

What the hell? She's seven, for Pete's sake! I KNOW we have tried to teach the kids that appearance isn't everything and yet, at the age of seven, she already believes that her worth is inherent in her looks. I'm disturbed by this on so many levels. How the hell does a parent combat this?

 

[Noor]

All girls are beautiful, but its only skin deep and in the eyes of the beholder.
You could turn off your tv, and stop buying fashion magazines Maybe get a National Geographic subscription and look at people who are not conventionally beautiful.
Seriously I would ask her what beauty means to her, maybe its not just superficial. If it is explain to her that its just genetics and she can lose it in an instant.

Kids look to their mom's for what is important, perhaps look at your "beauty" routine and your messages to her...

 

[HardNightDay]

Hi bailadora,

If I may offer some thoughts. There is no way a child is not going to get the message societies around the world send, that being pretty is important. Studies reinforce this. Pretty people, either male or female, get promoted more often, get better jobs and more opportunities.

That said, we are who we are. I believe in self-confidence through achievement. Whether a person is pretty, or not, they can make their own opportunities and that in itself is attractive to others. At your daughters age achievement is accomplished by trying and working hard at many different things. It means succeeding, even excelling in school, trying sports, the girl scouts, summer camps, clubs. When she accomplishes something on her own and gets praise for that accomplishment it will focus her attention on doing, not on being pretty.

I wish you both the best of luck.

 

[GoddessHathor]

I tell my 11yo daughter that until I'm blue in the face.

Then she goes to school and is teased, tormented and bullied because she isn't the perfect weight, perfect height, or her hair doesn't sit just the right way.

So....we are one voice against many. We tell them looks aren't important...its the inner beauty. Society tells them inner beauty don't mean crap, you HAVE to look like Jessica Alba to succeed in life. And the sad part is that society believes it....like sheep, we follow right along and never question.

How do you combat that?

 

[subwannabe]

When I had just read the title of your thread your post wound up being totally different than what I had been expecting. I thought that maybe your child didn't feel any self worth and you were asking advice on how to teach it to her. I think you may be reading too much into this. I think a big part of self worth is how you feel about yourself, including your looks. Is it the most important thing? The obvious answer would be no but I'm not convinced that that is the totally right answer. You don't indicate from your post that looks is the only thing she feels she has going for her. Maybe it's not so wrong if you feel good about yourself in a lot of different ways and maybe she was trying to say that she felt that looks was the best part about her. I would be worried if she felt looks was the only thing going for her and that she didn't feel good about herself in any other way. I may not have explained this as well as I wanted to but my bottom line is to say that I think you may be reading too much into this. Continue letting her know that she has a lot of good things going for her and what they are.

 

[done_got_old]

How do you combat that?

You do exactly what you're doing. You talk until you're blue in the face. I firmly believe that each of us has been given gifts and talents. Your daughter may not have discovered hers yet. I was like her; plump, too smart for my own good and quiet. When I discovered the violin and then the flute, the teasing no longer mattered. I could do something none of those who teased me could do. I was playing on stage. I was playing solo parts. I was still plump, but I found a group where I fit in.

Back then, we had tracks in high school. When I went to class everyone in the class was smart. I didn't stick out like a sore thumb. It was a bit of heaven on earth.

Keep talking to your daughter. Try to help her find her gifts and talents. Encourage her but don't force her. Perhaps she can take sewing lessons and learn to make her own clothes or embellish sweatshirts.

Tonight was open house at the school and my daughter was chattering to me about all the paperwork on her desk. As she's guiding me through her "All About Me" journal, I come across this sentence: "The most important thing about me is that I'm beautiful."

As I stand there in shock, I ask her why she thinks her appearance is more important than how smart or how kind she is. And she blithely answers, "Because it just is".

What the hell? She's seven, for Pete's sake! I KNOW we have tried to teach the kids that appearance isn't everything and yet, at the age of seven, she already believes that her worth is inherent in her looks. I'm disturbed by this on so many levels. How the hell does a parent combat this?

I know that it seems like you're fighting a losing battle. You're not. After teaching for 36 years, there are some things I've learned. Kids often write what their peers write, or to impress them.

In the end kids do listen to their parents. Hard to believe, isn't it? But they do. Hopefully you'll look back on this and wonder why you were worried.

You can't change your daughter's looks. If she's pretty, she's pretty. If she's average, she can join the rest of us. We're the majority anyway.

One story and then I'm finished. I taught a girl named Kellye in the kindergarten, 2nd, 4th and 6th grade. (another long story) She was beautiful. Not only was she beautiful, she was a confident speaker and smart. I was chastised by other teachers because I let her MC programs. They thought I picked her only because she was pretty. The girl was good. If a teacher was having trouble getting her group together she'd entertain the audience for a few minutes or go on to the next class.

She's now married with 2 children and an MBA. We had dinner a couple of years ago on her 40th birthday. I shared the story with her and her husband. She never knew how I had to fight for her. I have so many 'good ending' stories, that I'm confinced that most children survive childhood.

 

[CWatson]

Praise her for the things she does, not just for how she looks. (Actually, I'd say that's good advice to just about any parent; I know too many who forgot to do that.) Teach her that there's value in her actions.

Underconfidence comes from being constantly reminded of one's failures, without ever being praised for one's achievements. Overconfidence stems from being constantly praised without ever being punished. Healthy self-esteem is having both at once--knowing that sometimes you mess up, and sometimes you don't.

(I know that this is probably an oversimplification, and--as a childless, single 25-year-old male--I'll be the first to admit that I have no practical experience with being a parent, much less to a girl-child. All I do have is 21 years' practical experience with having no confidence because I wasn't taught to have it; I learned it, the hard way. And the above is what I learned.)

And, yes: ask her what she means by "beautiful". If she means that she has inherent self-worth and doesn't plan to let anyone dissuade her from that viewpoint, then give yourself a pat on the back for every day of the rest of your life. You've done something most people never achieve with parenting: you've succeeded at it.

 

[done_got_old]

Praise her for the things she does, not just for how she looks. (Actually, I'd say that's good advice to just about any parent; I know too many who forgot to do that.) Teach her that there's value in her actions.

Underconfidence comes from being constantly reminded of one's failures, without ever being praised for one's achievements. Overconfidence stems from being constantly praised without ever being punished. Healthy self-esteem is having both at once--knowing that sometimes you mess up, and sometimes you don't.

(I know that this is probably an oversimplification, and--as a childless, single 25-year-old male--I'll be the first to admit that I have no practical experience with being a parent, much less to a girl-child. All I do have is 21 years' practical experience with having no confidence because I wasn't taught to have it; I learned it, the hard way. And the above is what I learned.)

And, yes: ask her what she means by "beautiful". If she means that she has inherent self-worth and doesn't plan to let anyone dissuade her from that viewpoint, then give yourself a pat on the back for every day of the rest of your life. You've done something most people never achieve with parenting: you've succeeded at it.

Very well put.

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/smilies/amen.gif

 

[rinka]

I think it's crucial to help your child develop self-worth that's not depending on either looks or performances. I often think we focus to much on achievements. Sometimes in a park I'm amazed at how parents comment what their children do. Child calls from the top of the slide: Mommy, look at me! and mom says you are so good at that instead of saying that looks really fun!


Encourage imagination, sense of humour, patience, ability to deal with set-backs, showing of emotions, courage to say no and express an opinion, being a good friend. Tell your children that they are fun to be with, that you enjoy talking with them and hearing how they think.

Our society constantly screams at us that we need to be the best at something. That we are what we do. This also creates an enormous pressure on our children.

 

[Recidiva]

I think the only way to teach is by example. It's someone else's choice to learn.

So the only burden you have is to be the best example you can be, give the best advice you can give, and encourage choices and learning.

There is no way to "make" a child do anything that doesn't end up ultimately being destructive to their capacity to choose and forge their own path. And you have to let them do that.

If you don't know how to be loving, how to be forgiving, how to be understanding, welcoming...children are excellent practice. Start with transforming your own attitude. Make the most loving choices you can in each situation. Each moment brings a new opportunity to do so again and again. You won't ever run out of chances to choose to be a better person, make wiser choices, provide a better example.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I had a similar talk with my 4-year old a week ago.
We were walking home from daycare and she was telling me about all her friends. I said something about how nice it is to have good friends and she said that she has so many good friend because she´s pretty.
We had a long talk about it but she was very convinced that she was right.
We keep talking about it and I have been thinking about it a lot.
I noticed that often when we meet pepole, they talk about how beautiful or pretty she is and how proud we must be.
I try to bring up some other good traits that she has too, so she learns that pepole appreciate her for who she is, but like others have said society is a big influence.

 

[bwallard]

She's seven years old and she loves that she's beautiful. What's wrong with that? It's a great stroke of fortune. Hats off to her, and thumbs down to you, Mom. The feeling could persist for another twenty years or so, or if she's really blessed and strong she may never lose it.

With a Mom as smart as you, it's not likely that her list is only one item long. Let her be the most beautiful and strong and smartest woman on the planet.

Sarah Palin was the most beautiful girl in Alaska - I think it is. That didn't hold her back one little bit. But a nagging Mom, telling her she's bad for thinking she's beautiful?

What's that?

Let the girl be beautiful. Join her in the celebration - of all her talents.

 

[SexualDreamer]

Being pretty

I have read a lot of things prior to this post that are wonderful ideas, thoughts and in general talks. I would like to say one thing. Next time she says something about just her looks, you can ask her but does she think she is pretty on the inside.

I know I have been in a store and seen the most beautiful little girls and then watched how they acted and would think to myself what an ugly little girl.

I have had the opposite with my son. He has had a very LOW self esteme prob. I have had to work hard and for a long time to build up his self esteme. As he is larger than most his age and he has learning problems.

But I will say this, listen to your child.. I did not know to do this and regretted it. No you can not 'control' what they do when they are not around you. But you can make them think about things and if you encourage them to talk it does make a world of difference.....

SD

 

[bailadora]

Some interesting comments and observations here and I want to say thanks to all who have shared their viewpoints. A few things I'd like to address:

Subwannabe: No - I really don't think I'm reading too much into this. There was a list of qualities that the children had to choose from when writing that particular assignment. And when I asked her about the other qualities that were on the list, she mentioned athleticism, intelligence, and kindness - just to name a few. And the one she instinctively chose was beauty.

The situation with my daughter is very similar to the one Iris describes with her child. I have total strangers who often come up to me and comment on how pretty she is, often within my daughter's hearing. And while I politely thank them, I also make it a point to mention her other positive traits such as how kind she is, how strong of a reader she is, that she is a talented dancer, etc. In other words, trying to reinforce the idea that her worth is not based solely on her appearance. But the lesson doesn't seem to be sinking in. The message that she's internalizing is that people are attracted to her based upon her looks and that's the only reason they like her.

bwallard: I am not telling her she's bad for thinking she's beautiful. But I DON"T want her to be a vain little girl who thinks her worth is entirely based upon her appearance. I want her to realize she has so many other qualities to offer that are MUCH more important than how she looks. She needs to know that physical beauty is transient, but that inner beauty is something that can never be taken away from her.

Honestly, I think a lot of it is frustration on my part - that what I'm trying to teach doesn't seem to be sinking in or making any sort of impact. Goddess Hathor summed it up nicely: I feel like we're that one voice against many.

DGO: Thanks for your insight and encouragement. It means a lot. There are times when it feels like I'm whistling into the wind and all that we're trying to teach her seems to fall on deaf ears. It's my hope that most of the values we are trying to instill will eventually take root.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Ok... I don't have any kids but...

My sister is 2 years younger than me and I was the pale, awkward kid with frizzy hair, wonky teeth and a squint. She had beautiful blonde curls, blue eyes, golden skin and a following of little acolytes. There was a whole period of my life during which I hated her. Everyone always noticed her first, talked to her first, even at family gatherings. She was ashamed to admit that I was her sister and I was homicidally jealous of her appearance and the absolute confidence it handed her.

To this day we don't get on. We're completely different people.

She has a picture perfect career, partner, mortgage, car and so on but in reality, she's living on credit. She is a total slave to brand names and I am very sad to say, she has few genuine friends who would be there for her through thick, thin and poverty. I was a late bloomer (still waiting for my tits as it happens) and I'm happy with my appearance but it's slightly grungy as far as fashion goes. My partner and I are deeply, completely in love and we live well within our means, which gives us a contentment and security that my sister completely lacks. With her, it's always the glamour and not the substance, it's simply the way she's always been wired.

Anyway...

I think that there are telling clues when it comes to little girls and vanity. Are all your daughter's friends equally pretty? Why did she choose them as friends? Are they a good, grounding influence or are they little acolytes who worship her looks? What sort of games do they play? Is it a balanced mix of stuff or are they pre-occupied with trying to be little teenagers? Is she a member of her group of friends or the queen bee? Is she forgiving when they have quarrels or does she reject people easily, confident that lots of girls want to be her friend? If you pay attention to her social circle and her place within it, you should be able to determine how concerned you should be about her vanity.

It is unfortunately true though, that being a very pretty little girl can lead to power over people that's unhealthy, it was certainly that way with my sister. It started at around the age of 8 or 10 and by the time she was hitting puberty, my sister had an adoring entourage wherever she went, that changed according to her mood. She was also quite bitchy and gossiped a lot, eager to undermine anybody who might threaten her popularity. The media's slavish devotion to beauty - even when it comes packaged up in the cocaine addled, fag puffing, emaciated form of Kate Moss - is very insipid. Even dollies and Barbies always look perfect. I do think you're right to be concerned.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I think that there are telling clues when it comes to little girls and vanity. Are all your daughter's friends equally pretty? Why did she choose them as friends? Are they a good, grounding influence or are they little acolytes who worship her looks? What sort of games do they play? Is it a balanced mix of stuff or are they pre-occupied with trying to be little teenagers? Is she a member of her group of friends or the queen bee? Is she forgiving when they have quarrels or does she reject people easily, confident that lots of girls want to be her friend? If you pay attention to her social circle and her place within it, you should be able to determine how concerned you should be about her vanity.

Good point!
I have been thinking about that and I think it is something I´ll keep a close eye on as my daughter gets older. Right now she is mostly playing football with the boys and she mostly avoids the "little pricess" crowd.

 

[Monazwx]

As long as she's beautiful on the outside and inside (most important), she should be fine. It's so sad that girls have to confront beauty and esteem issues at seven (and sometimes earlier). Have her concentrate on the subjects and hobbies that she's good at, so that she will be aware that there are other determinants in the 'beauty' game.

Are all your daughter's friends equally pretty? Why did she choose them as friends? What sort of games do they play? Is she a member of her group of friends or the queen bee? Is she forgiving when they have quarrels or does she reject people easily, confident that lots of girls want to be her friend?

Velvet, these are SO GOOD! Amazing questions what really do need answering, by women of every age. Too many mothers think that their daughters acting precocious (sp?) and playing queen bee is so cute, and don't realize that it's a setup for potentially detrimental behavior down the road. I sorry to hear about your sister, however through her behavior, you have your head on straight and that's comforting in itself.

 

[PertPerth]

Pretty people, either male or female, get promoted more often, get better jobs and more opportunities.

Unfortunately, this is true - to a point. Pretty get's you the first day - or ten, but it doesn't lead to a happy relationship. Pretty gets you the job, but doesn't get you the good performance review (unless you sleep with the boss ).

Praise her for the things she does, not just for how she looks.

This is so important. All I can remember being praised for as a kid was being pretty - I'm smart too, but it was rarely mentioned.

So, yes, I have a few too many issues surrounding "being pretty and not noticed for anything else". After many years, I'm finally come to the realisation that pretty is a bloody good start, and certainly not something to be put-down about. I see nothing wrong with being pretty - or little girls feeling pretty. So, Bailadora, I'd not worry too much at this stage. You seem to be a very observant mother - she'll get the right guidance from you.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Unfortunately, this is true - to a point. Pretty get's you the first day - or ten, but it doesn't lead to a happy relationship. Pretty gets you the job, but doesn't get you the good performance review (unless you sleep with the boss )

Also, although I didn't realise it until we were both older, being pretty and popular meant that my sister could never take anybody at face value. She was never sure whether people wanted to be her friend or her boyfriend because they thought she was a great person, or simply for her looks and popularity - in the same way that rich/famous people can't always be sure whether friends are genuine friends or freeloaders. It contributed to the way she handled things, which was to assume that everybody was an acolyte until proven otherwise.

 

[HardNightDay]

I think it's crucial to help your child develop self-worth that's not depending on either looks or performances. I often think we focus to much on achievements. Sometimes in a park I'm amazed at how parents comment what their children do. Child calls from the top of the slide: Mommy, look at me! and mom says you are so good at that instead of saying that looks really fun!


Encourage imagination, sense of humour, patience, ability to deal with set-backs, showing of emotions, courage to say no and express an opinion, being a good friend. Tell your children that they are fun to be with, that you enjoy talking with them and hearing how they think.

Our society constantly screams at us that we need to be the best at something. That we are what we do. This also creates an enormous pressure on our children.

Achievement is not about being the best at something. It's about doing something today that leads to where you want to go tomorrow. One can, and probably should measure achievement by ones own advancement toward ones own goals. It really should go without saying that these goals need not have anything to do with money, fame or physical glory. They need to come from our own inner compass.

I live in a place that is very trophy oriented, so I know what you mean by creating pressures on children.

 

[HardNightDay]

Unfortunately, this is true - to a point. Pretty get's you the first day - or ten, but it doesn't lead to a happy relationship. Pretty gets you the job, but doesn't get you the good performance review (unless you sleep with the boss ).

Getting a little OT here so I will keep the reply short out of respect for our original poster.

I would agree to a point. Pretty (also including handsome men) does help, but studies do show, to be very successful in the business world, one must also be talented. Studies show that one rarely sleeps ones way into the boardroom. Those who put out for promotion are usually mired in mediocrity and rarely rise above low or middle level management. Why? Studies indicate that executives are distrustful of the judgment of those who chose to sleep with their boss - how ironic and/or hypocritical is that! At any rate, those people are more often passed over for promotion.

Still studies have shown time and again that, all things being equal, tall men (6' or taller) get promoted many times more often than shorter men. They also make more money.

Likewise, studies show that, all things being equal, pretty women are promoted much more often than ones that are less pretty. Over weight women are far less likely to reach the executive level.

No none of this is at all fair, but it's pretty world wide, allowing for different cultural definitions of pretty.

That was longer than I intended...sorry.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Still studies have shown time and again that, all things being equal, tall men (6' or taller) get promoted many times more often than shorter men. They also make more money.

Likewise, studies show that, all things being equal, pretty women are promoted much more often than ones that are less pretty. Over weight women are far less likely to reach the executive level.

I think this is true, especially in commerce as people want the senior representatives of their company to be attractive and engaging. Social skills also greatly affect a person's corporate success as many socially awkward people are passed up for promotions, even if they're very good at their jobs. People like senior executives and managers to be charismatic leaders and there's no small degree of prejudice involved at times.

 

[philos]

Religious messages?

I know religion is an unpopular topic here but I think the message of being created in the image of God could be important. I'm a high school ethics and history teacher at a religious school and it is one message that I often repeat. Everything else that you base your self-worth on can and will be lost. Your looks, your youth, your job, your skills, your popularity, your possessions-- all these things are temporary. The fact that you are a child of God. That you can share in creation, even if it is simply making yourself a good or evil person by your choices. That you may reflect God's love to others in hundreds of small and significant ways. These are things that can't be lost. Again I know most readers will probably blast me for bringing faith into it but remember faith doesn't equal religion. Any and every faith has some similar teaching to this

 

[bailadora]

More interesting viewpoints. Thanks again to everyone who has contributed.

Philos: Yes, I agree that religion can be a touchy subject with some, but that is not the case with me. I am also a person of faith and what you have described are tenants we've tried to teach her. For me, the frustration comes from the fact that some of what we have tried to teach (through modeling and verbal communication) doesn't appear to be sinking in. I'm sure every parent has experienced this at some point and that I am hardly alone. It's just that sometimes, I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle to instill the truly important lessons. But then - who ever said parenting is easy?

 

[Cathleen]

I've been pondering your thread off and on for a while now, Adora. Our sense of self matters a great deal throughout our lives. I didn't know much about myself as a child, what I thought I knew wasn't always true or just confused me. As I look at life skills from my present vantage point I can begin to organize the lessons that make up the skill - life is a process and our learning is, of course, the same.

Some years back I taught second graders at my church (it was their First Communion year) and I started the first day with the makings of a celebration. I had the kids tell what makes something a celebration, the parts of a party etc.. I had balloons, juice, a treat, and a little gift for each. The purpose was to show what a celebration looked like - easy part. But more difficult was to bring out that there was a reason to have a celebration. (The birthday, holidays etc was easy and quick.)

Since this was about the spirit/soul within us, I needed to find ways to teach them to recognize those qualities inside. Of course there were always a few kids who thought they were 'all that' so it became an avenue for me introduce qualities, how we find them, how we get them and how it makes us unique and the same too.

A little guy said he was the smartest person in his class, I asked why he thought that and how it made him feel inside. I took a big piece of paper/poster board and wrote "Intelligence" at the top and then I asked the kids what it means, how it feels... and so on. Whenever a quality came up, like beautiful, up went a paper and out came the thoughts about what made something beautiful, why we thought so etc. they added things all the time - it was becoming part of their days.

As the 'big day' arrived the classroom had posters all over the place that celebrated so many qualities, the reasons to celebrate it. The classroom looked incredible, it was like a colorful garden had blossomed. I was astounded at the outcome, it was beautiful and loving and all their insides were splashed all over the walls. It was cool.

Maybe you can put up a poster, in the kitchen perhaps, and keep adding things that are beautiful - a flower, a face, a kind heart, etc., it broadens the way we see 'beautiful'.