how to start over

[tbon45]

im not sure if this belongs here but ill ask anyway. as some of you may remember i had back surgery in janurary well a month after that on feb 14 the wife and i got in a huge fight and she threw me out even though i was hardly walking with a walker she didnt care. now we are getting divorced and she is with a married man i havnt seen my kids in 2 weeks because she wont let me because she says i cant provide for them. things are pretty bad between us. her boyfriend pulled a gun on me and her brother and brother inlaw tryed to jump me. in my condition i cant defend myself. i got to leave with very little i live in a one bedroom apartment she has the house and everything in it. im on disability and its about to run out at the end of this month i have to apply for ssi and im told it will get denied because of my age. im to young. my injury is work related and they are deneying its work related. ive lost the hearing and now i have to go to a second one on the 30th. on my marriage ive been through the sad ,depression and the angry parts now im to the point of giving up and running. in the last 5 mths ive gone from the top to the black hole and keep falling. i use to be the type of person that if i want it i will find away to get it but i lost that. my dad tought me how to make a buck if i need to but right now i cant do that. i know there is no right answer but how and where does a person that has so much going wrong like i do put a stop to going backwards and start moving forwards. i only have one frienad and he is married. he has helped me alot but i cant stand being the third wheel. im lost with no sense of direction.

 

[EJFan]

i remember all your posts and threads vividly, tbon... frankly i'm speechless.

best thing i can suggest is to get a lawyer... you need one for the divorce, the assets, the kids, the income, etc. there may be some sort of legal assistance program in your area. check the public library to find out.

your soon to be ex wife should be wearing a condom for what she's doing to you. of course, i don't know her so i shouldn't judge i suppose. i don't know what you'd get out of a divorce because i don't know the situation... but whatever it is, i'm sure it'd be a hell of a lot more than what you have at this particular moment.

bottom line... get a lawyer. you need legal help right now and it will be more valuable to you than anything else.

 

[tbon45]

i know i need a lawyer but my leagle service only represents me if we agree on everything. since she turned on me i have to fight but i barely have enough money to eat. and the lawyer i can get is $1000

 

[entitled]

Perhaps you should try talking to your local police about it. I know the officers around here have at least a general knowledge about the lawyers, and which ones will provide services for people that have very little.

You also need to get ahold of the department of human services for help. It means swallowing a little pride, but i've done it in the past, and it's the only thing that's kept us above water for a good few years now.

 

[EJFan]

You also need to get ahold of the department of human services for help. It means swallowing a little pride, but i've done it in the past, and it's the only thing that's kept us above water for a good few years now.

this is an excellent idea, IMO. again, your local library should have all the information you need to get this assistance. same thing goes for legal services.

just remember that you're not alone and you're not the first one to be in this kind of situation. it doesn't make it any easier to deal with but it's important to realize that you'll come out the other end just like others have.

 

[coolbluewaters]

I know that things seem really hopeless right now and you can barely move and feel like you have the world sitting on your shoulders. Like the other member posted there is help out there and like stated following alittle pride is all you have to loose, i know that the government provides help ie welfare which no one knows you are using because it is like using a debt card at the supermarket there is also something that will help pay your bills oh also filing for umemployment if you dont have a job may help.
has she filed the papers already for you divorce if so i think they ask you if you need any legal assistance and you can go from there
well i dont really know what else to say except for calling around and asking alot of questions. Hope your back is getting better just keep looking at the light even if it is alittle tiny pin hole in the dark you will make it.

 

[tbon45]

i get a disability check every week as soon as work agrees its work related ill get more money under workmans comp. yes its been filed we already have a date of oct 14 it will be over. i have been with her for 15yrs and never done anything on my own. i am not physically fit to take care of myself i cant pick up a gallon of milk. my restrictions is a 10lb weight limit for the rest of my life. i never thought so much bad things could happen at one time. im gonna start calling around tomorrow and see what help i can get. i just know if i dont stop this donward fall and getting something positive im gonna lose it. at 32 yrs old i never thought this is where i would be in life i feel like i failed at everything.

 

[EJFan]

i, and just about everyone else in the world, gets that feeling like we've failed... it's only temporary though. there's no doubt you have a significant setback tbon but it's not the end of the story... it's only a redefinition of things.

it's not easy to deal with all this drama at one time but maybe if you just focus on one little thing at a time it will all start to lighten up a little at a time. i always find that difficult tasks aren't so complex when you break them down and just concentrate on one facet, resolve it and move on to the next.

 

[SweetErika]

i get a disability check every week as soon as work agrees its work related ill get more money under workmans comp. yes its been filed we already have a date of oct 14 it will be over. i have been with her for 15yrs and never done anything on my own. i am not physically fit to take care of myself i cant pick up a gallon of milk. my restrictions is a 10lb weight limit for the rest of my life. i never thought so much bad things could happen at one time. im gonna start calling around tomorrow and see what help i can get. i just know if i dont stop this donward fall and getting something positive im gonna lose it. at 32 yrs old i never thought this is where i would be in life i feel like i failed at everything.

Hi tbon,
I can relate to your thoughts and feelings. EJ's suggestion of breaking things down into managable pieces has helped me a lot. Another thing has really been to question the negative ideas, and I've often had help from friends, family, and therapists with that. A few things to consider:

Did you purposely bring all of this on yourself? Did you mean to get injured and have surgery? Did you expect to be disabled? Did you really do anything to encourage your wife to leave?
No? Then you didn't fail at anything.

Look at what you've succeeded at...living with a hell of a lot of pain, depression, extreme stress, doing your best to take care of yourself, caring about your wife's needs while you were recovering, having great kids, and living a good life until now. You can come up with a long list of other successes, I'm sure.

At 32, you have the opportunity to make somewhat of a fresh start. You might be able to do some things you're passionate about, and will find love again. You can still be a really good dad, and maybe can look at some of the time you're not working as extra time you can spend with your kids. A different life doesn't have to mean a worse life.

Grieve your losses, remember how strong you are, and have faith that everything will work out and you have a lot to look forward to. If you have trouble remembering the positive stuff, write it down and put reminders where you'll see them all day (that sounds stupid, but I've found it to be outrageously effective). Focus on the blessings in disguise and little victories. You're going to make it through this, and it WILL get better, tbon.

 

[tbon45]

i do try to stay positive but she refuses to let me see my girls. she wants child support child care and alomoney. she already took my pride my strength my self respect. i only have one friend i dont get along with my family that great thats where alot of the negativity i have comes from. im the black sheep of the family i was never given alot of credit for how i turned out but yet i did better than the rest of my relatives. now there getting there kicks. i just have so many things to keep track of i dont know what is priority. ive been to support groups one said it was my falt. ive been on different meds and that made matters worse. one thing that gets me the most is i was a very active person and now i just sit around and think and watch tv. i cant stand thinking i want to do stuff but either i cant or i dont have anybody to do it with. i hate being alone.

 

[SweetErika]

Make lists to keep track of things if possible...it helps cut down on the anxiety. Even write down and check off the things you have to do.

Unless a court has awarded your wife sole custody without visitation, I don't think she can keep your kids from you. According to what I've read, even if you are not paying court-ordered child support, you have a right to the parenting time specified in the court order. She may not retaliate by keeping your kids...all she can do is file a petition to enforce the child support. If you're not making money, that shouldn't be an issue. Likewise, you can not stop paying ordered support because she's not letting you see them. You must file a support amendment request. Some things to check out that might help you:

http://www.michigan.gov/dhs/
http://courts.michigan.gov/scao/selfhelp/sitemap.htm
http://courts.michigan.gov/scao/resources/publications/manuals/focb/focb_hbk.pdf
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/michdads/
http://www.dadsofmichigan.org/

 

[Seduce]

I think you got some good advices from the people here, and I have nothing to add, just to tell you I was almost in the same situation with my ex so I know how you feel and I am truly sorry.
Dont give up.

 

[tbon45]

yes you guys have given me great help. thanks for the links i will check those out for sure.