How to spot a Domme/Dom

[LloydW]

I'm a male who is a relative newbie to BDSM. As I've gotten more interested in it and am wanting it to play a larger part in future relationships, I've started wondering how I could go about meeting a dominant woman, be it at work or elsewhere. The idea of going to a munch or whatever doesn't appeal to me, and my line of work (professional) doesn't allow me the freedom to go to BDSM clubs, and I live in a good sized town, but it's not like there's a huge population where I could find someone on craigslist.

So my predicament is that it's hard to tell if women would be into BDSM. I understand that a lot of women who might make killer Dommes aren't into BDSM (yet), but given the opportunity, they'd be quite good at it and enjoy it. But the trick is, how do I spot those women? And how do I spot the women who are already into BDSM?

What I'm asking is, are there general signs & character traits I should look for, keeping in mind that I am in a professional environment and nobody I come into contact with there is wearing collars to work. A broad question, I know. I also know that some dommes may not fit the "mold" and be different from what most would expect. Put simply (and humorously) - what are the subtle signs that should alert me to the fact that the woman in the office next to mine would like nothing more than to bend a man over her desk and screw him with a strapon?

I suppose the same question could be asked on behalf of ladies looking for a dominant male - what are some signs the person in the office next to you is a dominant male and wants nothing more than to tie up his lady coworker and have his way with her....

Hopefully this gets some discussions going. I'll throw in my two cents tomorrow, if I'm not as exhausted as i am today.

-LW

 

[Earthgoddess]

interesting question

I have to tell you that for years everyone who worked for me in the restaurant business was sure, I mean sure that I was a Domme...they even had a pool going about it.
Yet in truth I am just a demanding bitch-well was, so much nicer now that I am Buddhist and out of that field of work-but in the bedroom I am a sweet and compliant sub, except when I am being terrible to tempt my hubby to spank me.

Our good friends all thought because of a spanking comment my hubby made at dinner that I spanked him-back to our baseline personality assumption. My hubby is quiet, soft-spoken, slightly passive-aggressive and a wicked rough Dom when he choses. But the rumor still went round that I was the spanker-go figure????

My advice is not to assume, if we worked together you might have thought I was a Domme and you'd have been soooooo disappointed when we both sat staring at the strap-on wondering who'd go first!

 

[SweetErika]

I'm still trying to get past your reasoning that you can't look for people in your community, but it's a good idea to find partners at work.


You usually can't tell if someone's a Dominant, sub, switch or traditional/vanilla, and don't hook up with people from work if you value your job, reputation and money (can you say "lawsuit"?).

 

[Evil_Geoff]

What? You can't tell a Domme?

They'll be the one's wearing 6" stillettos for walking on balls, tight leather mini-skirts, fishnets, a push up corset, and carrying a crop or a flogger. With a personal ad demanding tribute, or a website offering their services at $250 an hour or more.

Oh wait, those are the pros.

I find the best way to meet Dominant women is to get involved in the BDSM/Leather community. Most munches are so vanilla it's scarey. People wear blue jeans and tshirts, skirts and blouses, khakis and polo shirts, even *horrified gasp* suits! And if you run into a friend, client, or business associate at a munch... HELLLLLOOOOO! ! ! ! They're there for the same reason YOU are! You have just as much dirt on them as they have on you. Dingdingding!

If you are THAT afraid of being outted that you won't attend in your LOCAL area, people understand that. So go to another group in a nearby town. When I got started in the scene it was not unusual for me to travel anywhere from 250 to 1200 miles to meet someone. Join the mail list for your local or near group and network, Network, NETWORK!

The Dominant Women are out there. Just keep in mind they are the smallest group of kinksters, and submissive males is the largest group. You're facing a LOT of competition in a buyer's market so be patient.

 

[Netzach]

ut simply (and humorously) - what are the subtle signs that should alert me to the fact that the woman in the office next to mine would like nothing more than to bend a man over her desk and screw him with a strapon?

No easy outs on this. It's just as hard to tell who wants to be done, everything you read between lines is more or less wishful thinking.

 

[Ebonyfire]

What? You can't tell a Domme?

They'll be the one's wearing 6" stillettos for walking on balls, tight leather mini-skirts, fishnets, a push up corset, and carrying a crop or a flogger. With a personal ad demanding tribute, or a website offering their services at $250 an hour or more.

Oh wait, those are the pros.

I find the best way to meet Dominant women is to get involved in the BDSM/Leather community. Most munches are so vanilla it's scarey. People wear blue jeans and tshirts, skirts and blouses, khakis and polo shirts, even *horrified gasp* suits! And if you run into a friend, client, or business associate at a munch... HELLLLLOOOOO! ! ! ! They're there for the same reason YOU are! You have just as much dirt on them as they have on you. Dingdingding!

If you are THAT afraid of being outted that you won't attend in your LOCAL area, people understand that. So go to another group in a nearby town. When I got started in the scene it was not unusual for me to travel anywhere from 250 to 1200 miles to meet someone. Join the mail list for your local or near group and network, Network, NETWORK!

The Dominant Women are out there. Just keep in mind they are the smallest group of kinksters, and submissive males is the largest group. You're facing a LOT of competition in a buyer's market so be patient.

Yeah and my calendar's full until the year 2020. I should be dead then.

Eb

 

[neonflux]

In praise of...

The Dominant Women are out there. Just keep in mind they are the smallest group of kinksters, and submissive males is the largest group. You're facing a LOT of competition in a buyer's market so be patient.

Really! No wonder I'm feeling Toppy these days. But then, where do subby and switchy queer women fit in the supply department? Hmmmm.... Then again, I'm bi and I have my SO's consent to play! Stable, here I come... ~ Neon

 

[FurryFury]

There is no way to "spot" such a person in the work force. Mainly because who we project ourselves to be at work is more dictated by the position we are in and what it calls for than our own desires in the bedroom.

Until you allow yourself a way to get out into the world and/or meet people online you are going to have a tough time of it IMO.

Good luck,

Fury

 

[LloydW]

thanks

Thanks for the input everyone. I know my current situation isn't ideal.

To respond to SweetErika: I can't go out about town to BDSM clubs because if persons I deal with professionally were to see me (not necessarily inside, but maybe going in, etc.) or if I were to see people I deal with through my work (e.g., members of the public - I work in government), then that would also be bad. However, if I were to meet somebody at work and slowly develop a relationship with a BDSM component, there's not the risk of it damaging my professional reputation. Does that make sense?

But all things considered, it seems like it'd be in my best interest to follow Geoff's idea and travel to meet like-minded folks without the hassles I'd deal with at home.

Earthgoddess- I especially liked your post. Funny how hard it is to pin people down when it comes to the bedroom.

-L

 

[Netzach]

However, if I were to meet somebody at work and slowly develop a relationship with a BDSM component, there's not the risk of it damaging my professional reputation. Does that make sense?

No it does not. I think it's far more likely to do that. If it ends badly you are so incredibly balls in the vice screwed you can't even fathom. But some guys like that part of the fantasy. I don't see how you think that a "you must have seen someone else" is harder to write off than a woman pissed off at you going totally public.

 

[Earthgoddess]

Domme

Tonight I helped cater an event with some friends and this little dapper gentleman came up to me as i was literally barking orders at this kid who was carelessly slopping some very nice pasta salad all over the place. He smiled eagerly and said in a hopeful tone, "My you do seem like a woman who is skilled at being in charge."

I simply stared until he wandered off,poor fellow would have been sooooo sad if he's set his hopes on being Domme'd. Lol, now thinking I should start a non-sexual Kitchen Domme service would save me a bundle on staff and then I could run home and dream of being spanked by my hubby.

Gasp would that make me a kitchen switch?

p.s. do not seek an "at work Domme/Dom" seen rl takedowns of people's professional lives when it all blows up...bad, ugly career losing messes.

 

[Aeroil]

The Dominant Women are out there. Just keep in mind they are the smallest group of kinksters, and submissive males is the largest group. You're facing a LOT of competition in a buyer's market so be patient.

Why then is the male sub population on this board so low?
wa-haha, male subs generally aren't the most thoughtful or.... subtle group you'll see.

Get yourself out there, nobody's gonna come to you.

 

[lucas83]

it's in the eyes

Hey LW,

I happen to work for my Domme as her personal assistant, yet, there are no tell-tale signs that she's a domme. If you were to walk into her office, you would meet a self-confident, assertive woman who is driven to succeed. But, I think those are the characteristics of anyone who runs their own company, male or female, into sexual domination or not. Then again, she can be 'just one of the girls.'

The one characteristic that I picked up on right away was my boss' stare. It's hard to describe, but when I look her in the eye, she just has this gaze, like she has X-ray vision and can see right thru me to my submissive soul. Her eyes are piercing, and she can read a person very well, very quickly.

I have met other women who are assertive and driven, but my domme, Amanda, is sure they are not into female domination.

I got pretty lucky. Amanda found me, otherwise, I am sure I'd be in a very vanilla relationship, not knowing what I was missing. I moved to L.A. a few years ago to get noticed for modeling, but instead got noticed to serve as a submissive.

Good luck!
Lucas

 

[Chicklet]

Why then is the male sub population on this board so low?

I suspect that most of them are lurkers - the ones that post once in a blue moon and have a count of 12 but have been members since 2001 are always submissive males...

I think the ones that post the most are the submissive females, and because we're such a chatty group we sort of dominate the board and make it less comfortable for a male sub to come out to us.

 

[Lady_In_Black]

I have the same problem in the opposite direction. I can't for the life of me figure out if some one is into being dominated. A coworker recently came out and said she was submissive, and started to go into great detail about her dom, and it blew my mind. I had no idea. She started talking about how you could just tell if some one was dominant, which kind of upset me, because apparently I fly under everyone's radar.

Do people honestly expect dominant to be like what Geoff made a crack about? Steletos and plastered in black leather? I can't meet people like that, I want to know who they are. Subs and doms are peple that just like a certain thing that is just a facet of their personality. I want to know if they like coffee or tea, if they are afraid of black cats, if they put their right leg in their pants first, if they are allergic to eggs or if they like to play chess. Then I'll pull out the strap on, or not.

I'm also afraid I am just not naturally a domme.

 

[KuriousTina]

I think the ones that post the most are the submissive females, and because we're such a chatty group we sort of dominate the board and make it less comfortable for a male sub to come out to us.

I reckon that's so true! A shame though...

 

[WriterDom]

Why then is the male sub population on this board so low?
.

It could be that the odds of hooking up with a female Domme out of the forum are about the same as hitting the lottery.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I suspect that most of them are lurkers - the ones that post once in a blue moon and have a count of 12 but have been members since 2001 are always submissive males...

I think the ones that post the most are the submissive females, and because we're such a chatty group we sort of dominate the board and make it less comfortable for a male sub to come out to us.

I rather think that male subs are just too busy to post. At least that is my experience with them.

 

[CutieMouse]

It's in the eyes?

Dude- 9/10ths of the women on the planet who have given birth, develop the X-ray vision (and tone of voice) to stare right into someone's soul and quietly demand their submission. Otherwise the 4 year olds win.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

It's in the eyes?

Dude- 9/10ths of the women on the planet who have given birth, develop the X-ray vision (and tone of voice) to stare right into someone's soul and quietly demand their submission. Otherwise the 4 year olds win.

Yeessssssss... But I'm not a 4 year old... *weg*

 

[CutieMouse]

Yeessssssss... But I'm not a 4 year old... *weg*

Which is why the stare is reserved for people who I know would crumble if they saw it.

 

[Ebonyfire]

It could be that the odds of hooking up with a female Domme out of the forum are about the same as hitting the lottery.

Exactly. I have never (to date) chosen a submissive from Literotica. But then , I never say never....stranger things have happened.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Yeessssssss... But I'm not a 4 year old... *weg*

Lucky for you, otherwise you would be in big trouble Mister! LOL

 

[HottieMama]

It's in the eyes?

Dude- 9/10ths of the women on the planet who have given birth, develop the X-ray vision (and tone of voice) to stare right into someone's soul and quietly demand their submission. Otherwise the 4 year olds win.

TOO friggin' true...Nothing is worse than "mom voice."

 

[lucas83]

a womans stare

It's in the eyes?

Dude- 9/10ths of the women on the planet who have given birth, develop the X-ray vision (and tone of voice) to stare right into someone's soul and quietly demand their submission. Otherwise the 4 year olds win.

All I know is that I have had a lot of women check me out where I used to work, but none of them had 'the look' that my domme had. She had an instant effect on me when she stared me down.

As for why sub males don't post a lot, I really don't have a lot of time or found a site that I had any interest in until I found this one. But another post suggested that if a guy does post a lot, then he must be a troll. HOw can I win? I would like to post and maybe make some online friends, but I don't want to be labeled as a troll.

lucas