How to say it.

[AGirlCalledKill]

This is an alt name, as my main name's posts are once again probably being watched. Some probably recall who I am- please, don't reference my main name...

I've tried to save this relationship. I really did. He continues to hurt me emotionally and never seems to care- begs me to counseling, we had a fight the night before over a horrible money decision (ink vs a $500 dmv penalty? And the ink was MORE IMPORTANT?!)... He never showed up at the counseling. I was there alone. He told me later he didnt feel it was worth going anymore- but acts as though we're fine.

It was my last straw snapped.
I play his game of house right now, but after 2 yrs of emotional rollercoaster, I can't go any further. I'm looking for a new place. Theres two little ones involved. I want us out.

He can be a good guy... But he mentally, I dont know, blanks out when it comes to what he says, what he does. I think he should stay in his kids' lives, but... I don't know about mine. I get furious just being in the same room. The counselor said it seems I emotionally left a year ago, and that they see why.

So how do I tell him? He blows off everything I say as nonsense.... Ignores me.... Says "he knows". Should I even try to say something? Just take kids and go? We talked briefly, very briefly, when I first said I wanted counseling last year and that if we couldnt fix this, I was going. He had said then he'd help support kids. But.... I dont know what to do. I get scared to even try to bring it up. He cries and gets angry easily.


PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT QUOTE THIS....

 

[loralei3000]

He blanks out, cries and gets angry easily it sounds like he needs to be on some medication. I can't believe your therapist hasn't suggested it.
But if not, get out! It sounds like you have put in plenty of effort with no result.
Its always scary starting over, especially alone but you and your kids need some kind of stability.
Good luck to you.

 

[emap]

Don't tell him, I mean you tried, you said counseling to fix this or you leave. He didn't try and fix it so you shouldn't tell him again. That makes it look like you aren't sure you will leave and he will ignore you. Well ignore you worse than he already is apparently. You two are done, and well honestly, don't bank on him actually supporting anything besides himself and his needs.

You mention how he gets ink instead of paying a DMV fine, that is a sure sign of a self absorbed. Nothing matters besides what he wants, that is fine if you are that person, anyone else needs to get away from them. Keep in mind, you don't have to do it alone, there are groups that will help, there are government programs that will help. Getting food stamps and all that isn't a cry of I'm a complete loser shoot me, it's a cry of I was with a complete loser.

Find the avenues of assistance that are open to you and use them. Makes leaving a guy that doesn't care about anyone lots easier and well unless he forks over money on a regular basis don't let him in to the kid's life. He will only make them like him anyway.

 

[satindesire]

I've been there.

I've been in a relationship where I was nothing but an item on a shelf, to be taken out when needed and shoved away to be ignored when I wasn't necessary. I've been shouted down, hit, pushed, threatened, sexually abused and neglected, and I put up with it for almost four years.

I begged him to go to therapy with me. I begged him to change.

But he didn't. And I stayed, and the abuse got worse and worse. Then one night he got angry, and nearly killed me. I needed surgery and blood transfusions. I nearly died, because I stayed instead of leaving.

I was in the hospital for a week. He came to see me once.

I didn't tell the cops it was him.

The moral of the story is...it only gets worse the longer you stay. And the longer you stay, the more time you waste. You could be using this time to heal from the damage and find a man that DOES actually love you.

A lot of people say that they stay in hell because they know the names of the streets.

It's time to move. We have GPS now, we don't need to live in Hell anymore.

 

[AGirlCalledKill]

Loralei, he has tried meds. His first try at them was about a month. When the first bottle ran out, he said he didn't have time to refill it and never thought about it again until the counselor brought it up... Nearly a year after he had stopped. He's restarted them, but after blowing off our session, I have this creeping feeling the bottle is going to be ignored again once it runs out.

He can be very self absorbed, Emap. His main conversation focus is his job. Talk about anything else, his attention wanes. He can't remember our wedding date or the birthdays of our kids, or mine. We had insurance issues where they had the wrong doctors and refused to pay our bills- he fixed his own, but never did anything on the rest of us. I've been turned into a collections agency for $5000 in bills, and the insurance company won't talk to me because I'm not the policy holder. An emergency yesterday forced him to take care of it- my mother blew up at him because I passed out.. I should have gone to the doctor's weeks ago, but they refused to see me.

But if you ask him how the marriage is going...
"Wonderful. Everything's great. She loves me very much."

He's always telling me my feelings.
He's never hit me. Verbally, emotionally- yes, he can be a complete asshole.
I've been reminded countless times by those in my family and the few friends I've told about this that I should have left after the first incident. But I didn't. I hate myself for not having done it.

I have signed up for help. As much as I hate doing it, I hate even more being here. I lie daily to him when he leaves for work.. "Yeah, love you too." He knows the truth because he cornered me one night, demanded to know if I still loved him. I was honest... he didn't talk to me at all the rest of that night.

I don't have a ton of money available to me right now (I'm trying to handle those bills ignored), but also don't want to keep feeling like I'm lying about everything. It makes me cringe for him to touch me. I prefer to stay at work as long as possible than come home- and once I do, I go into my kids' room and stay there with them as long as I can. I just have to keep reminding myself... Is this what I want for the rest of my life?

 

[sweet_secrets4u]

Sweetie, there are three types of abuse; sexual, physical and mental. Your in an abusive relationship, and he is not going to change who he is or how he treats you. My advice is to leave. Don’t waste the rest of your life on someone who doesn’t appreciate you for being you.

There is an excellent book called The Prince Charming Syndrome that delves into abusive men, I googled it to find who the author is, but there seems to be a lot written on the topic, so google it.

Pretty basically, Prince Charming will tell you what you want to hear, and you fall in love with Prince Charming, he starts to cut you off from those near and dear to you, till you only have him, then he shows the real man behind the facade. Then when things goes really bad and shit hit the fan, he switches bact to Prince Charming, and she stays because this now is the man she fell in love with. Reading about it will help not only you understand him but about you understand why your still with him. But do read about it.

If you can, extract yourself away from him, go to mum, or friends place, and read about it. The closer you are to the problem, the harder to see what the problem is.

 

[silverwhisper]

get the hell out as soon as humanly possible.

your children deserve to see a healthy relationship between the important people in their lives. i don't know how old your children are but if the therapist says they can see it, get out now. staying in a shitty-assed relationship only makes them think that's normal.

most importantly: i say don't give him any opportunities to promise to change anymore. you've given him hundreds and he's blown them all.

to hell with him if he's that fucking selfish, immature and self-involved.

ed

 

[night&day]

Just Get Away...

from this guy. Hes bad news and you aren't going to change him not matter how much you want and wish you could. Some people are lost casuses and hes one! Stick around at your own peril.

 

[unregistered]

 

[SweetErika]

I'd strongly suggest seeking the advice of your therapist and a domestic abuse specialist on how to get out of there as quickly and safely as possible. Your therapist knows more about the situation than you can share here, and an abuse specialist has the knowledge and experience to help you make a solid plan, find resources to ease the transition and help you establish your new life.

Just because your husband hasn't been physically abusive toward you or the kids doesn't mean he won't turn that way when he realizes you're leaving for good. Therefore, it's absolutely necessary to leave in the safest way possible. I'm *guessing* that will entail more prep work and not giving him any advanced warning/notice that you're leaving. I think you'll likely get yourself and your kids to a safe place and take some steps to further protect all of you before you can even consider any kind of visitation or whatever.

If he's watching your internet activities, he may be watching your phone records, so take care in tipping him off that way as well. If phone monitoring is a possibility, see if you can use someone else's phone or even a pay phone.

On the financial front, your creditors may be willing to work with you because of your situation, ESPECIALLY if you're working with a domestic abuse organization. It doesn't hurt to ask if you can do a more affordable payment plan and/or have a longer grace period so you can put your resources toward getting yourself and your kids into a safe situation for the time being.

So, keep acting while you quickly strengthen your resolve (if necessary) to get out of this abusive situation and get help creating a good plan to leave. You can do it. You must do it for yourself and your kids. Now do it.

 

[chipcarver]

Please get out! Listen to those who commented here. Don't wait for things to get worse, and they will.
To put it bluntly...the graveyard has plenty of women in it that thought things could/would change.
Sorry but that's what happens sometimes.

 

[nakdsub]

I agree with everyone else here...

It sounds like he is unstable and could possibly blow any time. Just get out. Get as much support as you can from friends, family, church groups, or any other local organizations that might help then pack up your old kit bag, as the song goes, and get the hell out...please.

 

[Noor]

I agree, don't tell him you are leaving until you and the kids are somewhere safe that he doesnt know about.

Your debts are also his debts so I wouldn't worry too much about them over your safety.

 

[AGirlCalledKill]

I am planning to go. Doing it is the slow part, I was told I wouldnt be able to get assistance for at least 2-3 months. I have some help coming in as offers to help me move out, but when I finally got the courage to ask if I could stay with some family, they said no... So right now I'm trying to build funds to leave.

I do know this isn't a safe place for my kids. He swears he wants to be a good dad and will try to do better, but it serms like a giant runaround. I've tried to gently tell him I don't want to do it anymore- he completely blocked out that the counselor asked me if I was leaving and my reply.

I'm afraid to handle everything alone. My family hates me because I never see them anymore- he doesnt like most of them, so I dont get to go visit aside from christmas... I dont have any local friends anymore. I feel I need to start everything over. I've been with him since my senior year- I don't know how to do that...

But... Yeah. Thanks, all. I wont say anything more than I have to him. He doesnt hear it anyway, other than what he wants to hear...

 

[subwannabe]

You need to get out and start over. Good luck.

 

[bailadora]

Wow....just wow on being turned down. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around that one. There are members of my family with whom I've never really gotten along. But if one of them came to me with a situation like yours, especially with implications of abuse, there's no doubt I'd let them stay with me temporarily. We'd have to set ground rules on expectations and stuff, but yeah - I'd open my home. Even more so if there were kids involved.

Is it possible you could stay with friends and get out sooner? You may have already tried that - I'm just trying to think of other avenues you could pursue.

I have nothing further to add except to wish you strength and courage, Kill. Try to keep us posted, if you can. HT'ers are a compassionate bunch (generally) and it would be nice to know you and your kids made it safely out.

 

[silverwhisper]

your family said no?! not to sound like your typical online asshole, but what the fuck is wrong with them?

these are clearly people who don't understand what "family" means.

ed

 

[bailadora]

your family said no?! not to sound like your typical online asshole, but what the fuck is wrong with them?

these are clearly people who don't understand what "family" means.

ed

There you go, being all blunt again.

I guess I'm an internet asshole as well, Ed - because I had the same thought.

 

[Noor]

go to a shelter. you are in an abusive situation where he has cut you off from your family. He is likely to get really nasty and go for you when he knows you are leaving, its possible your family senses that and doesn't want the danger or drama.

 

[SweetErika]

How about the YWCA? They often have sliding-scale housing, childcare and other types of help for women and their children. If nothing else, it could be a place for you to find other resources that can tide you over for 2-3 months. Organizations like the YWCA often even have a list of volunteers who are happy to act as "family" for women and kids who need to get out of bad situations.

Also, I'm assuming you've contacted your state's social services agency to see what kind of help you can get? If not, that's another avenue to explore right away because there is typically funding for temporary assistance for needy families, healthcare for kids, etc.

 

[carlieplum]

See a lawyer. Now. Do not make a move without advice from a good lawyer, especially if you own the home you are living in.

 

[o_so_wet]

First and foremost, if there is any kind of violence involved...get your shit together on the low down and when you have it all set.....just go. ON the day you're going, call the cops first and tell them that you need support while you move your things out because you are afraid of what he might do....and make sure your new place is secure and that you put your kids schools on alert as to what is happening..... restraining orders and all that shit are important too. Trust me....try try and try...it won't get any better.

If there's no physical violence...make a concrete plan and if he won't accept the fact that you're gonna leave with your kids if things don't change, and especially if he is so willing to let you go (i.e., he said he would support the cost of raising the kids), stick to that plan and go.

I know a woman who has been married (doesn't matter if you're not married its the same shit) for over 50 years and she regrets not leaving so much that she's miserable and stuck now. Don't let that be you.

Good luck honey.

X

 

[AGirlCalledKill]

I understand my family's response. It was a slow reply from them; circumstances of their own that made it hard for us to come in. I'm not upset with them. I suppose I could have explained a bit further to them on why I was asking, but I didn't want to push the issue... Especially with ones that see him as the "wonderful guy".

Yes, I have contacted local help. The most they can do is the wait list. Til then, I'm just doing what I can.
I do have someone close who even works for social services, so they're trying to do what they can to help. I'm also seeing an abuse counselor, who keeps me from wavering in to his headgames.

I don't think I can afford a lawyer. The place I'm talking to says they can get me a lowcost one, but they can't do anything until I get the kids and myself out. It just feels like a loop of "do this before you do that, but you have to that before this."

I'm buying some mega tickets. Winning some of that would help immensely.

 

[Noor]

I understand my family's response. It was a slow reply from them; circumstances of their own that made it hard for us to come in. I'm not upset with them. I suppose I could have explained a bit further to them on why I was asking, but I didn't want to push the issue... Especially with ones that see him as the "wonderful guy".

Yes, I have contacted local help. The most they can do is the wait list. Til then, I'm just doing what I can.
I do have someone close who even works for social services, so they're trying to do what they can to help. I'm also seeing an abuse counselor, who keeps me from wavering in to his headgames.

I don't think I can afford a lawyer. The place I'm talking to says they can get me a lowcost one, but they can't do anything until I get the kids and myself out. It just feels like a loop of "do this before you do that, but you have to that before this."

I'm buying some mega tickets. Winning some of that would help immensely.

Know where your emergency women's shelters are just in case. Memorize what you need to do. Start leaving stuff at a friends house but don't wait too long.

A friend of mine waited too long. Her husband wasn't physically abusive. They had been together since high school. He had a good job, appeared nice on the outside. He slowly cut off all her friends and family.
She set everything up without telling him so it would be perfect. Put copies of kids birth certificates in a safety deposit box. Set up coded messages with friends. Left money with friends, told her minister, there were several plans. She saw her family explained what was happening and what she planned to do and basically said her goodbyes just in case she had to disappear.
One day she called a friend from a cell phone and said she was going into a shelter but used the code word for call the police which we did. Police went to her house and her husband told them she had gone to a shelter and he didn't know which one. She and the kids just disappeared off the face of the earth. Money and stuff never picked up.
We had kind of hoped maybe her church, which runs kind of an underground railroad had them, but when the church started calling looking for her and filed a report we realized that she and the kids were gone.
She and the kids are a cold case, every so often we all get calls with questions. We dig up old records. I hope to hell they are alive somewhere, another country, something but its been 18yrs.

Another friend's mom also disappeared like that, her second husband said they had been having problems and walked out. He sold her stuff and then the house. Some hikers found her dismembered body several states away in the desert. Her killer is still at large but at least they have closure and no kids were involved.

You already say its not safe for the kids so on some level you know you need to leave, do it while you can. There are services that kick in once you are a shelter.

 

[Noor]

When you leave or say you are leaving is the most dangerous time. Also immediately after divorce.