How to proceed...w/ gf fucking other guys

[montrealxxx22]

I've had this fantasy for a long time of my girlfriend fucking other guys. We've talked a lot about it and she was always hesitant about going through with it....however, last night I was at work and she had dinner with an old lover. She just admitted to me that they ended up fucking at her place. I have mixed feelings since I would have wanted to be there as well, and the meeting with the old lover wasn't even planned ahead of time. I've thought that this is what I wanted for a long time, but now that it happened I feel confused.
Unrelated to this, this weekend we had set up a meeting with another guy for tomorrow night for them to fuck (while I'm there)...and I think it's most likely going to happen.
I was wondering if anyone had any advise of any kind? This is new to me and I don't want to end up doing something weird. Has anyone else here done anything like this? Thanks!

 

[silverwhisper]

OK, i have a few thoughts on this:

first: adding more people to the bed is not good for all relationships. in fact, it's usually poison for most. the fantasy of this is very powerful but it's important to understand that the reality can play out very differently. i've been in threesomes that have been everything you can imagine and more, but i've also been in one that completely fucked things up.

second: i'm confused by your reaction to what your girlfriend did. this wasn't a matter of her trying to realize a shared fantasy you two discussed: she had dinner w/ an ex and she invited him to her home and they fucked. assuming you two aren't in an open relationship, i would consider that a betrayal, specifically b/c you hadn't discussed it.

JMHO.

ed

 

[muskokan]

IMO just because a couple has talked about certain SHARED fantasies does not give one partner the option to go out and CHEAT

 

[Guest]

 

[Retrieval]

Fantasy and reality are two completely different things. Think very carefully about carrying out any fantasy because unlike fantasy reality often comes with consequences.

 

[Eilan]

my thought too. I'd be one angry person and would be putting a hold on any planned encounters until this was sorted out.

I agree. My husband and I have a rule that we don't "play" without each other. Other couples have different rules.

 

[webber1998]

Sounds like this relationship is headed for the tank. Confused? Man, run for the the hills. IMO, there is a big difference between aranging and sharing a fantasy...and her cheating on you with an ex-lover.

 

[montrealxxx22]

Okay, I'll give some more relavant information. We had discussed, in fantasy, that I would like her to fuck this guy while they were alone. The people who said it are right though, I didn't give her permission to do that and I am a bit upset. I'm going to forgive her for this one, but have just set some rules including no playing apart from each other unless specific permission is given. Which in last night's case....I'm not sure if it would have been given or not. The other rules I set is that we have to be 100% honest about everything...so I'm looking forward to hearing every last detail tonight. I've met this guy and know they've fucked before. She asked him if hed be into a threesome with us both and he said he probably would. I'm not that pissed...am I a little though. I guess this can be a she-owes-me-one.
I don't think this relationship is headed for the tank. This is actually the kind of relationship I'm interested in and wasn't ever sure she'd actually go through with it. I'm really into living out fantasies and I'm glad I met a girl I think is awesome aside from sex who now seems like she's going to be into that. So while I'm a little mad, I'm also excited since the ice is now broken. I'll let you guys know how the encounter with this new guy goes tomorrow night. My girlfriend is going to have fucked three different guys in three days...what a slut! I love her.

 

[silverwhisper]

montreal: OK, you seem to have your eyes open. that's good.

i'm still anxious that it's an ex of hers, though. if i were in that position, that would be a fight.

ed

 

[montrealxxx22]

He isn't an ex boyfriend, just an old fuckfriend. She has talked to me about getting with her ex boyfriend though...I guess we'll have to talk some more about that.

 

[human_male]

Please keep us updated because I'd love to know how this pans out. Personally I can see it blowing up in your face in a variety of ways, but I'm cynical.

Best of luck.

 

[Snowman5933]

Not gonna end well.

 

[3113]

I've had this fantasy for a long time of my girlfriend fucking other guys.

The very curious author in me would like to ask you about this fantasy--if you don't mind discussing it. I'll understand if you do.

Why does the thought of watching your girlfriend have sex with another man excite you? Most men may have no problem with their girlfriend having male friends, but they they usually want the girl in an exclusive relationship. Those that don't either have an open relationship with both of them are having sex outside of the relationship, or they pair up with another couple or a girl will fuck their friend--which is also okay because it's a friend.

It's not that this fantasy is unheard of, it's just, to my mind, a little unusual. Does it relate to voyeristic tendencies or something else?

 

[incubus'_sub]

Montreal, I don't agree with the doom sayers.

You have said that this is the type of relationship you are looking for. I know this desire as my fiance & I share it too.

The instance you described can & probably should if you are serious, be put down to simple miscommunication. It's quite possible that your girlfriend honestly believed that you would be happy to hear about her experience, even excited about it. It had previously been discussed & it may not have occurred to her to seek specific permission prior to it happening.

I think you are right, not to forgive her as she's really done nothing to be forgiven for in the context of your relationship, but to get over it & move on together.

What you need to do is work out why you were angry. Is it simple jealousy, in which case this type of relationship is not really for you, or is it that you didn't know in advance & have a chance to enjoy the turn on of thinking about it while it was happening?

Communication is important in that you both have to decide which situations work best for you as a couple, but don't talk it or regulate it to death. "Play" situations can & do just happen, so it's best to be flexible if you can.

I don't think you should allow other peoples' ideas & fears to determine what you & your girlfriend find exciting. I'd say you are aware that there are dangers in this type of relationship, but then again there are dangers in everything we do.

 

[SweetErika]

My girlfriend is going to have fucked three different guys in three days...what a slut! I love her.

I sincerely hope you two have, and will, take every precaution to prevent pregnancy and STIs, including condoms/dental dams for oral and frequent testing for everyone involved. Sexual activity with that many people you don't know well or have built a lot of trust with is a recipe for disaster, and it's just plain stupid to rely on someone's word since most don't know or will lie when asked.

So, my advice is to not rely on faith and plan on pregnancy and diseases, then hope for the best. That goes for all of the other facets of nonmonogamy as well, so seriously consider, discuss and plan for what will happen if this brings negative emotions, harms your relationship, she goes behind your back again and/or develops feelings for other people, leaves you for another, etc. Don't think it can't happen to you because it DOES all the time.

I'm not an alarmist with a beef against nonmonogamy -- this advice is based on a lot of personal experience with RESPONSIBLE nonmonogamy.

 

[Eilan]

My husband walked in on his ex-wife having drunk sex with her best friend's husband (the friend was passed out in another room). While he wasn't particular happy about what happened, he did also find it kinda hot. *shrug*

Edit: FWIW, I didn't necessarily see some of the people who responded to this thread as doomsayers. I thought the responses were in keeping with the dynamics of this particular board. There are other Lit boards better suited for people who wish to disregard reality.

 

[incubus'_sub]

Pardon ??? The dynamics of this particular board?? Whose reality, yours or mine??

Surely there is room here, even on this particular board, for different ideas & opinions to be put forward.

This poster asked for advice & I am able to give some because his situation & relationship sound somewhat similar to my own.

As I saw it, the majority of replies came from people who for some reason or another appear to disapprove of this behaviour and / or believe it would lead to the end of the relationship ie it is doomed.

I don't believe this is necessarily the case, although insight into the motivation & desires of the couple concerned is important & I tried to point that out.

As Erika has already mentioned, it is possible to be be responsible & to enjoy this kind of play.

 

[clutch1]

Think of it this way,most people would cheat and not tell you.Atleast she had the decency to tell you.
The way i see it she starting to come around to your way of thinking.

But i would take Sweet Erika's advice on some of her thought's

 

[montrealxxx22]

Hey everybody,

Thanks for all the input. I spent all of last night with my girlfriend and things were just like normal strangely enough. She told me, in great detail, of her experience with the other man and it was really hot. Looks like our meeting with the new guy fell through for tonight though She knows she was wrong in doing that without me around and she definately got some sexy punishment from me last night...and ended up having the most intense orgasm she's ever had. She knows that if she ever wants to play with that guy again I have to be there as well.
I know that all of you don't know us, so you can't really have a good guess as to whether we're a good couple or not....but Monday night's events didn't change how much we're in love at all. She's obsessed with me and me with her. I think we make a great couple. We discussed her feelings about this situation....and she told me that she's wanted more of an open relationship in the past as well. We're both university graduates and definately know about the problems that can happen...we're not stupid. So don't say this relationship is doomed without knowing the details.

 

[SweetErika]

The very curious author in me would like to ask you about this fantasy--if you don't mind discussing it. I'll understand if you do.

Why does the thought of watching your girlfriend have sex with another man excite you? Most men may have no problem with their girlfriend having male friends, but they they usually want the girl in an exclusive relationship. Those that don't either have an open relationship with both of them are having sex outside of the relationship, or they pair up with another couple or a girl will fuck their friend--which is also okay because it's a friend.

It's not that this fantasy is unheard of, it's just, to my mind, a little unusual. Does it relate to voyeristic tendencies or something else?

I don't think it's an unusual fantasy or turn-on at all, and I don't get the impression that both people having sex outside the relationship has much to do with it.

My hubby didn't fantasize about me being involved with other men (women are another story), but he found it very arousing when we started to go in that direction. Even when he's not there, he gets excited knowing I'm with another man. He's chosen not to pursue relationships with other women at this time, so that doesn't seem to make a difference either.

We've discussed the psychology behind this turn on at length because I was very curious about it as well, and apparently the main factors of arousal for him are:
- Competition- Even though there's not enough of a threat to bring on insecurity or jealousy, the fact that someone else wants and can "get his woman" brings out primal urges to "reclaim" me with wooing and sex. There's actually a very strong biological basis for this; when there's competition, men produce more hormones, stronger and "killer" sperm, and couples usually practice mating and pair bonding rituals instinctually.

- My pleasure and happiness- Just like when we're together or I masturbate, he gets excited knowing I'm feeling good.

- Variety- It's a departure from our history and everyday experiences together.

- Taboo/Social Deviance- Society considers nonmonogamy and wanting your partner to be sexual with others abnormal/naughty/dirty/wrong. That, and the fact that his wife is open/adventurous enough to go against social norms, is very exciting.

 

[silverwhisper]

erika, i think i could read your musings on the matter for whole days on end.

ed

 

[SweetErika]

erika, i think i could read your musings on the matter for whole days on end.

ed

Be careful what you wish for, Ed.

 

[silverwhisper]

erika, i've been reading your comments for some time now. i've yet to see your insights and gentle wisdom even remotely off the bullseye. :>

i don't think i actually realized until today the nature of your relationship. :>

ed

 

[13bones]

my thoughts

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[WestVaCouple]

Thoughts

First, Communicate.
Second, Establish Rules.
Third, Communicate.
Fourth, Communicate.
Fifth, Communicate.
Sixth, Communicate, and
Seventh, Communicate some more.

The first experience was probably wierd as it was strictly one sided. An ex-boyfriend, someone that she had a relationship with before probably threatens your current relationship. It was just the two of them, you were not involved and only found out about it later, makes it more like cheating. I hope you guys can get past this and work out something together. But remember, Communicate with each other.