how to please myself

[SweetDevil1977]

Ok, first a little background on myself.

I am a 27 year old healthy female. I was molested from the ages of 8-12 by an older female cousin and have an advance made on me by my paternal grandfather when i was 16. I am divorced with 2 girls and my only "sex" talk with my mom growing up was "all boys want is to get in your pants". I have been very promiscuis (sp??) since the age of 15.

Last night my b/f (who is a very caring, understanding and open-minded man) asked me to handcuff him and please myself - to do whatever felt good to me and not to worry about him. My problem is this...I don't know or can't figure out how to do that. Ever since I have been having sex my goal has been to please the other person without regaurds to me. I have never had an orgasm during intercourse but I can when I masturbate with toys only.

Is something really wrong with me?? Does anyone have any advice on how I can get over this??

 

[EJFan]

you've dealt with some very serious abuse as a child and there's little doubt that it has/will have an impact on your adult life. it seems like you have your hands around the issue (at least a little) and i commend you on being brave and moving beyond it the way you have.

you might find some help with a therapist... which i'm sure you've thought of. sometimes when those close to you have treated you so badly it helps to have someone who's disconnected from you (like a therapist) enter your life.

it also sounds as though you are having a solid relationship with your current SO. i hope that it's going well and that the communication you two seem to be having continues. that's so important to a person who's been abused.... does he treat you well?

finally, to the issue of the handcuffing game. i think that's an awesome suggestion for two reasons. first, it's VERY erotic to be bound and unable to pleasure yourself while your SO teases you. the arousal builds up so much that it's indescribable. second, if he knows about your abusive past, it could be that he's not only suggesting this for the two of you to share this experience because it's so arousing but because he sees it as a way to help you move beyond your submissiveness.

i think it's a great way for the two of you to enjoy a new type of pleasure and you certainly deserve to focus on yourself a little more. he'll benefit from it too, trust me.

 

[SweetErika]

First, welcome to Lit, and many of us understand this issue all too well. I don't think there is anything really wrong with you, but you have some different beliefs as a result of your upbringing and the abuse. In my experience, the only way to change those beliefs is to challenge them and "re-wire" your brain through cognitive processing therapy. I'm not sure if you've had counselling, but even if you have, it might be worth it to go back and work specifically on this belief. Meanwhile, I've found forcing myself to put my own pleasure first a helpful exercise. I know that sounds odd, but by focusing on my own pleasure, sexual experiences usually work out to a happy medium. Also, not having intercourse for awhile (but doing everything else) works well sometimes.

Hang in there, and feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

 

[LadyAndrivete]

Deleted.

 

[SweetErika]

There is nothing wrong with you hun. I've had similar problems as you have... it's not natural afterwards for women to be able to just put all that in the back of their minds and enjoy themselves free of the notion that they are pleasing their partner at the same time.

These feelings, teamed up with inhibitions are generally the cause of a lack of orgasm with another person. The way I get around it depends on the partner... If I'm in it to please myself, I simply fake myself out into believing that whatever I do will please them as well. It's a very twisted way of thinking for me since I'm a sub.... but it has worked in the past.

Stripping yourself of all inhibitions can be quite scary at times... especially if you are not into taking what pleasure you want from a man when you are generally used to being a giver and not a taker. Think of it as that he wishes you to please yourself thereby pleasing him. You are not taking what you want for yourself... but giving him the pleasure of having what he wants you to do for him.

Yes, I know it sounds crazy... perhaps someone else on Lit can give some better advice.

The idea of pleasing yourself=pleasing your partner or your pleasure=his pleasure is right on target and works for me too. When you think about it, it's really the epitome of a healthy relationship, as long as both people feel this way.

 

[Lynxie]

I've found forcing myself to put my own pleasure first a helpful exercise. I know that sounds odd, but by focusing on my own pleasure, sexual experiences usually work out to a happy medium.

This is really good advice. I myself was on medication for a long time that made it really difficult for me to reach orgasm, alone or with a partner. I eventually got so frustrated that I just had to prove to myself that I could still cum. It took every ounce of concentration I could muster to focus on only my pleasure, but I eventually got the trick to work. Even now that I'm off the meds and back to normal, my fiance still finds it very sexy when I focus on my pleasure - seeing me so happy is more than enough to help him reach climax.

I hope you're able to overcome this hurdle. If the advice here doesn't work out for you, I'd give some thought to seeing a therapist about the issue. You've been through some pretty rough stuff emotionally, and that might be your best bet for working through it all.