How to move on from a toxic relationship?

[SweetBaybeeGirl]

For me it was educating myself on psychological evidence that everything I experienced was unhealthy / abusive. The fact I had that confirmation that it was the right decision to end things was the most helpful going forward.

Were you able to forgive?

 

[Mystical24]

Were you able to forgive?

In all honesty as much as I want to be the person that forgives, no, a lot was unforgivable.

I initially wanted to feel no malice towards them but now honestly I believe that they will get everything they deserve.

I think it is more the fact that my dog suffered due to them that I actually hold the most resentment for. I’ve processed what happened to me and it led me to where I am now which is a million times better than the situation I was in

 

[SweetBaybeeGirl]

In all honesty as much as I want to be the person that forgives, no, a lot was unforgivable.

I initially wanted to feel no malice towards them but now honestly I believe that they will get everything they deserve.

I think it is more the fact that my dog suffered due to them that I actually hold the most resentment for. I’ve processed what happened to me and it led me to where I am now which is a million times better than the situation I was in

I’m the same way about my ex. Everyone tells me that I have to forgive him. I can’t and won’t.

 

[Mystical24]

I’m the same way about my ex. Everyone tells me that I have to forgive him. I can’t and won’t.

You absolutely don’t have to forgive at all. No one can tell you how you should think or feel or respond if they haven’t been in that situation themselves. Everyone told me I should speak to my ex so I did, he then became aggressive again so I blocked his number and was done. Best decision I ever made. Just set boundaries and stand firm.

 

[SweetBaybeeGirl]

You absolutely don’t have to forgive at all. No one can tell you how you should think or feel or respond if they haven’t been in that situation themselves. Everyone told me I should speak to my ex so I did, he then became aggressive again so I blocked his number and was done. Best decision I ever made. Just set boundaries and stand firm.

I set mine. My boundaries are Never Again.

PM?

 

[Mystical24]

I set mine. My boundaries are Never Again.

PM?

Absolutely!!! Me too!


Yes ofc

 

[Elayne_Hawke]

I will never allow anyone to treat me like that again. Identifying them in advance isn’t easy. I have learned not to be vulnerable and I don’t trust as easily. But I’m happy.

That sounds like me. And your right about the identifying part, it is hard. And also like you I've learned the vulnerability lesson.

I was in a very toxic relationship once, it got so bad that it literally tore mine and my families life apart. I eventually was able to get away, (it was a complete stranger that helped me realize how toxic it was) but it took a long time and even longer to heal. I'm still not fully healed because I do have trust issues and I don't put myself out there the way I use too. But all in all I'm still alive and kicking and getting on with my life.

 

[SweetBaybeeGirl]

That sounds like me. And your right about the identifying part, it is hard. And also like you I've learned the vulnerability lesson.

I was in a very toxic relationship once, it got so bad that it literally tore mine and my families life apart. I eventually was able to get away, (it was a complete stranger that helped me realize how toxic it was) but it took a long time and even longer to heal. I'm still not fully healed because I do have trust issues and I don't put myself out there the way I use too. But all in all I'm still alive and kicking and getting on with my life.

I will always have trust issues. Good to be safe.

 

[newhere2learn]

Suggestions for realistic ways to move on from an ex.

There's no right or wrong answers I feel. I left a ten year toxic relationship, the first 6m after split were horrendous.

I worked a lot to distract myself. But I also made a resolve, to "not refuse any reasonable offer". This applied to work, socialising or sex.

During the next 12-18m I had a lot of fun and did things I'd never have dreamed of.

Before I knew it, a couple of years had passed and I'd forgotten the toxicity. I had lots of wonderful memories of socialising, progression at work, and naked fun with amazing people.

 

[newhere2learn]

Cut all connections.

Or as many as you can. If friends, family, kids are shared... Just cut the ones you can.

The remaining ones, manage as you would a works relationship. Contract management.

 

[Strixaluco]

You absolutely don’t have to forgive at all. No one can tell you how you should think or feel or respond if they haven’t been in that situation themselves. Everyone told me I should speak to my ex so I did, he then became aggressive again so I blocked his number and was done. Best decision I ever made. Just set boundaries and stand firm.

Forgiving does not mean you don't make conclusions about the person in question - in fact, conclusions are often very much recommended. It doesn't even mean you cannot demand punishment or indemnification, if that's applicable. You can very well make demands, and you should absolutely set your boundaries even after forgiving.

There's also no need to even inform the person in question about having forgiven. The real issue in forgiving is letting go of anger and bitterness. Mostly deciding that "it happened and it was fucking wrong, but now it belongs to the past and I'm moving on". Which is first and foremost to your own benefit. Nobody has the right to demand it, but being able to forgive can be a step in healing. I've seen old people incapable of forgiving something in their past, and they are those bitter people who haven't really been able to move on.

I've had my share to forgive. Like my late husband cheating for me years, among other things. (If he was alive, he'd be my ex, but I found out too late to throw him out.)

I really hate it when people assume that forgiving means that you should let things continue the same way while in reality those are two different things.

 

[Mystical24]

Forgiving does not mean you don't make conclusions about the person in question - in fact, conclusions are often very much recommended. It doesn't even mean you cannot demand punishment or indemnification, if that's applicable. You can very well make demands, and you should absolutely set your boundaries even after forgiving.

There's also no need to even inform the person in question about having forgiven. The real issue in forgiving is letting go of anger and bitterness. Mostly deciding that "it happened and it was fucking wrong, but now it belongs to the past and I'm moving on". Which is first and foremost to your own benefit. Nobody has the right to demand it, but being able to forgive can be a step in healing. I've seen old people incapable of forgiving something in their past, and they are those bitter people who haven't really been able to move on.

I've had my share to forgive. Like my late husband cheating for me years, among other things. (If he was alive, he'd be my ex, but I found out too late to throw him out.)

I really hate it when people assume that forgiving means that you should let things continue the same way while in reality those are two different things.

Oh I think that’s an excellent point.

I spent a long time blaming myself for the abuse and being upset and probably recently worked through the time being angry and now I’m more indifferent but I think because my ex’s behaviour has remained the same since then including public online abuse and threats, and the fact my dog was really affected and hurt by it who was completely innocent that’s something I cannot forgive.

 

[Strixaluco]

Oh I think that’s an excellent point.

I spent a long time blaming myself for the abuse and being upset and probably recently worked through the time being angry and now I’m more indifferent but I think because my ex’s behaviour has remained the same since then including public online abuse and threats, and the fact my dog was really affected and hurt by it who was completely innocent that’s something I cannot forgive.

Of course it's rather difficult to decide something is a thing of the past when it really isn't.

 

[Mystical24]

Of course it's rather difficult to decide something is a thing of the past when it really isn't.

That’s actually the perfect way to explain it.

It is definitely still a process of healing I’m working through and I’m SO much further on than when it ended and finally starting to get back to myself but I’m sure there is still more progress to come.

 

[Strixaluco]

That’s actually the perfect way to explain it.

It is definitely still a process of healing I’m working through and I’m SO much further on than when it ended and finally starting to get back to myself but I’m sure there is still more progress to come.

My heart goes to all divorced people who have to keep in contact with a toxic ex due to common children. My friend is having a particularly nasty case, toxic manipulative father having the custody... Poor kid!

 

[Mystical24]

My heart goes to all divorced people who have to keep in contact with a toxic ex due to common children. My friend is having a particularly nasty case, toxic manipulative father having the custody... Poor kid!

Yep! I was super lucky there were no kids involved.

My partner has the same though. It’s like being re traumatised all over again.

 

[Strixaluco]

Yep! I was super lucky there were no kids involved.

My partner has the same though. It’s like being re traumatised all over again.

In my friends case it means absolutely being retraumatised over and over again. Any therapy she has is merely trying to keep her afloat, until the kid is old enough to decide whether to stay with dad or with mom.

 

[Mystical24]

In my friends case it means absolutely being retraumatised over and over again. Any therapy she has is merely trying to keep her afloat, until the kid is old enough to decide whether to stay with dad or with mom.

Oh that’s really sad. I really feel for them.

In my partners case the good thing is most of the kids are old enough to realise what the ex is actually like (he shields them from everything he can) so they just choose to spend as much time there as they can

 

[fire_breeze]

Suggestions for realistic ways to move on from an ex.

I am sorry that you are in this position; it's not easy and you have my sympathy and empathy and solidarity.

I'm going to be a bit off-base, and even a bit literal, but one does not 'move on' or 'get over' something traumatic, such as toxic relationships. In my experience, we work through the emotions and logics, we find our tools to heal, we learn said tools, and we continue on our paths. We don't get over the experience because it has marked us and fundamentally changed us. We accept the experience and what has happened and work through it, but it's a part of us. This, for me, was important to my journey of healing. I didn't have the expectation of 'getting over' the trauma because it did change me. I had to learn from it, and I had to equip myself with tools to identify red flags and to do something about it to ensure my wellbeing. This is, in my opinion, not moving on. It's taking and owning my experience as opposed to letting it own me. While some people may call it moving on, I didn't and that helped me to work through and forward to healthy relationships. To each their own.

That said, what @KatieDoes said--talking with a professional and unpacking why you were attracted to, and accepted, the toxic nature is excellent. Recognising and realising why this happened and how to identify future toxic relationships (whether romantic, sexual, familial, work, friendship, etc) is pivotal in creating a healthy, balanced life and relationship with yourself and others.

Another thing that was briefly mentioned that had helped me was doing things that I've always wanted to and couldn't because of the relationship. It was taking back my life and my agency and control of time. Actually, everything I did was deliberate and intentional and was focused on what I wanted to do. I started to live for me. It was insanely scary and liberating. So, I'd suggest to start small. It may be that you've always wanted to attend poetry reading, or spend extra time with family/friends, or even go and watch that movie. Then build that up. It sounds silly, but it helped me and also several friends who were in a similar situation.

Regarding forgiveness: This is up to you. I am one of those people who says forgiveness is not necessary to heal. Letting go of anger that consumes us and directs our focus to the person or relationship is one thing and may be a component to healing. Forgiving the person is another. I am no longer angry and honestly don't give a shit about the causes of the toxicity in my life. If I see them, I have the same reaction as I would seeing a random stranger. But I haven't forgiven them and will not. They have not earned that right and frankly, they will not. In my mind, forgiving someone is a privilege that has to be earned. I think it also helps that I don't find forgiveness necessary to achieve inner peace and to live my life in a balanced, healthy, non-toxic way. But again, to each their own.

(Also, anger is not necessarily a bad thing: it's that tangible emotion that tells us something is wrong and gives us energy and motivation to do something about it. Just sayin'...)

Good luck

 

[SweetBaybeeGirl]

I am sorry that you are in this position; it's not easy and you have my sympathy and empathy and solidarity.

I'm going to be a bit off-base, and even a bit literal, but one does not 'move on' or 'get over' something traumatic, such as toxic relationships. In my experience, we work through the emotions and logics, we find our tools to heal, we learn said tools, and we continue on our paths. We don't get over the experience because it has marked us and fundamentally changed us. We accept the experience and what has happened and work through it, but it's a part of us. This, for me, was important to my journey of healing. I didn't have the expectation of 'getting over' the trauma because it did change me. I had to learn from it, and I had to equip myself with tools to identify red flags and to do something about it to ensure my wellbeing. This is, in my opinion, not moving on. It's taking and owning my experience as opposed to letting it own me. While some people may call it moving on, I didn't and that helped me to work through and forward to healthy relationships. To each their own.

That said, what @KatieDoes said--talking with a professional and unpacking why you were attracted to, and accepted, the toxic nature is excellent. Recognising and realising why this happened and how to identify future toxic relationships (whether romantic, sexual, familial, work, friendship, etc) is pivotal in creating a healthy, balanced life and relationship with yourself and others.

Another thing that was briefly mentioned that had helped me was doing things that I've always wanted to and couldn't because of the relationship. It was taking back my life and my agency and control of time. Actually, everything I did was deliberate and intentional and was focused on what I wanted to do. I started to live for me. It was insanely scary and liberating. So, I'd suggest to start small. It may be that you've always wanted to attend poetry reading, or spend extra time with family/friends, or even go and watch that movie. Then build that up. It sounds silly, but it helped me and also several friends who were in a similar situation.

Regarding forgiveness: This is up to you. I am one of those people who says forgiveness is not necessary to heal. Letting go of anger that consumes us and directs our focus to the person or relationship is one thing and may be a component to healing. Forgiving the person is another. I am no longer angry and honestly don't give a shit about the causes of the toxicity in my life. If I see them, I have the same reaction as I would seeing a random stranger. But I haven't forgiven them and will not. They have not earned that right and frankly, they will not. In my mind, forgiving someone is a privilege that has to be earned. I think it also helps that I don't find forgiveness necessary to achieve inner peace and to live my life in a balanced, healthy, non-toxic way. But again, to each their own.

(Also, anger is not necessarily a bad thing: it's that tangible emotion that tells us something is wrong and gives us energy and motivation to do something about it. Just sayin'...)

Good luck

Thank you.

 

[box13]

Even after a few years, I've "moved on" but found that I'm very sure about trusting anyone. Especially after a relationship after the ex that didn't last. What was surprising to me is that it's been years since the ex, and I thought "well, now I can try" and then once the opportunity came...it really worried me, much more than I realized.

There are personality traits to avoid, certainly. I spent some time listening to people discuss those (lots of helpful Youtube). I think it provides something of a basis to know what to look out for and avoid, and to listen to the "little voice in your head" telling you something is wrong, because it knows and you need to listen.

The reality is that "toxic" is everywhere and looking for you, wanting to make you into its "supply", and lying about it.

"Move on" is great sounding, but what I realized is that I don't know exactly what I either can or want to move on to. Given the past, and the present "starting over" circumstances and some unforeseen responsibilities with providing for older adult kids, I'm not always certain there's anyone to share that with. So at present I'm content with a LDR that doesn't require any changes. Or risk.

I hate to say it (and I'm running out of it) but I need more time.

And I'd guarantee that someone who is a great person to be with is also making the same journey "moving on" and in some different place along their own journey. They'll have the same worries over trust and rearranging life as you do. Those big questions take time to be asked and answered and heard.

I hope you don't give up.

 

[Strixaluco]

The reality is that "toxic" is everywhere and looking for you, wanting to make you into its "supply", and lying about it.

It is "everywhere" only in the sense that like idiots, they are "strategically placed so you come across one every day" - but they are luckily still in fact a small minority.

Most problems people have in their relationships are luckily smaller than one being toxic.

And I'd guarantee that someone who is a great person to [...] They'll have the same worries over trust and rearranging life as you do.

I find this a vast overgeneralisation. Not all great persons have such a background that they have trust issues - there are plenty without. And I find it easier to move on if not both have them.

 

[Annlopez]

understand that this is not love, love is not toxic

 

[Clueless4u]

Jesus sweetie, don't go down that psychobaballe path. You'll spend thousands and never get further than you did before you went. Face up to teh fact there was something you missed. That's not your fault and you don't need to pay a shrink to learn from it. Once you've decided to move on, just don't be afraid. Fear is what all of us face when we're forced into a new situation. Could the next one be worse? Of course, but the odds are with you and they all say you'll meet someone better. Life is full of obstacles, it's how we face them that counts.

 

[SweetBaybeeGirl]

Mine was exactly the same except he became physically abusive also.