How to make people laugh

[NippleMuncher]

A Christmas Poem

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.

And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

 

[NippleMuncher]

A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for
Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he
spells "T-O-Y-S".
The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter,
"C-A-N-D-Y."
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of
candy."
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose,
"P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on
your finger!"

 

[NippleMuncher]

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

A woman multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

Why is this important for every man to know?

Because if you give her any crap, you need be ready to receive a ton of shit in return

 

[smoothdevil]

Installation of electric fencing

Thought y'all should read this in case you're
thinking of installing an electric fence!

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically
in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric
fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply
had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into
the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you
have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo
Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken
and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I
unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire
and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It
seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after
all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running
lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga volt fence wire
in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the
size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down
cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing
I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my
body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every
time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel
the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the
engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS
lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same
time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once,
but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of
a second . It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy
turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds)
into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around
the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a
farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always
had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not
let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting
signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil.

At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So, here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill
me. God did not take me that day, he left me there covered
in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity
had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower
was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I
was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot
were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still
holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in
the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon
waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right
butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not
smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I
think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or
something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while
thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for
things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I
always double check to make sure the fence is unplugged
before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over
the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system
will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling
all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I
mow

 

[smoothdevil]

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”



The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.



The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.



The older alien said, “I'd calm down if I were you.”



The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.



Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!”



The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.”



“Rubbish,” replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.



Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he focused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.



“What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”



The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.”

 

[smoothdevil]

Where's The Tequila?

This guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well . You pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus Car."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You must pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender. So after thinking it over a while, the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "Okay," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had sex. You have to take care of that problem!"

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things..." "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks...but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, belching all the time, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear screeching, growling, and moaning, coming from the back area; suddenly they hear the pit bull bellowing loudly and the guy screaming. Then, nothing but total silence!

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and large scratches bleeding all over his body.

"Now" he says, "where's that old woman with the bad tooth.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Las Vegas Churches Accept Gambling Chips!!!

This May Come As A Surprise To Those Of You Not Living In Las Vegas , But There Are More Catholic Churches Than Casinos.

Not Surprisingly, Some Worshipers At Sunday Services Will Give Casino Chips Rather Than Cash When The Basket Is Passed.

Since They Get Chips From Many Different
Casinos, The Churches Have Devised A Method To Collect The Offerings.

The Churches Send All Their Collected Chips To A Nearby Franciscan Monastery For Sorting And Then The Chips Are Taken To The Casinos Of Origin And Cashed In.





This Is Done By The Chip Monks.



You Didn't Even See It Coming Did You ?

 

[smoothdevil]

Chastity


King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time.

King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But Sir Galahad was speechless.

 

[Saucyminx]

shorties but funnies

Why can't lesbians diet and wear make up at the same time?

Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?

Militia Etheridge

What is a lesbian dinosaur called?

a lickalotapuss

and my being a state contractor, my personal favorite:

What do you have when you have 50 lesbians, and 50 state workers?

100 people who don't do dick

Please note, hopefully, no lesbians were offended or harmed in the posting of these jokes. And to give credit where it is due, my ex-husband sent them to me via text.

 

[smoothdevil]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?



Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really? Ya think?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!!


Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!


War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who'd a' thought!


Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program!


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

What's the matter... doorways not high enough?

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

 

[smoothdevil]

Ponderings

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?

What are we supposed to do... write to these men?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the posta ge stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

 

[smoothdevil]

for the GALS


Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong-






Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
(Unknown)




The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)-




I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

-Janette Barber-



Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

-Lily Tomlin-



A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

-Carrie Snow-





Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.

-Laurie Kuslansky-





My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck-




Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-




A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

-Rhonda Hansome-





The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

-Jane Sellman-





Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.

-Jennifer Unlimited-



Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

-Charlotte Whitton-


Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

-Caryn Leschen-


I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.

-Jennifer Unlimited-



If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

-Catherine-




I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.

-Dolly Parton-




If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

-Sue Grafton-




I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-




When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

-Elayne Boosler-



Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-



In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher-



I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

-Gloria Steinem-



I am a marvelous housekeeper.. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

 

[smoothdevil]

Irish Doctor

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic so I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 'So Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache 'so', so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor. 'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does.

Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' loven Jesus Murphy, what did you do Boy ? .......
..........
.........
........
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.
' I put drops in her eyes.'

 

[smoothdevil]

Dear Employees


Due to the current financial situation caused by the global recession,
Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years
of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for
the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED
any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much 5HIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible.

Management has always prided itself on the amount of 5HIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough 5HIT, please
bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the 5HIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management

 

[smoothdevil]

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....


Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

 

[smoothdevil]

2009 Tax Code


The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2009, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $ 300.00

8 - 10" Pole Tax $ 250.00

5 - 8" Privilege Tax $ 150.00

3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $ 30.00

Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.

Anyone under 3" is eligible for a tax refund.

** PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION **

 

[bailadora]

Lizard Birth

Received via email and too funny not to share:
***********************************************************

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?' I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!' 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.' What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie , Mom!' I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife. 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!) 'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth). 'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed. 'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. 'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.' 'Oh, gross!' they shrieked. ‘Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted. 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified. 'Do something, Dad!' my son urged. 'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. 'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) 'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. 'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged. 'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.). The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. 'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically. 'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked. 'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this. 'So, Ernie's just . just . . excited,' my wife offered. 'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. 'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that .I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little….' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. 'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me. 'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140. One cage: $50. Trip to the vet: $30. Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs

 

[unregistered]

 

[bailadora]

Bailadora ~ Thank you so, so much for sharing this story. I cannot wait to read it to my husband when he gets home. I'm not sure I'll be able to get through it w/o several pauses for uncontrollable laughing! I needed the laugh tonight, Thanks!

- You're welcome.

 

[smoothdevil]

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:


Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.



HOW TO TREAT A MAN:

Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV.

 

[smoothdevil]

The Queen's Breasts


Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try
to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and
said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but
it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to
cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't
have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to
the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills!!

 

[smoothdevil]

Once Upon A Time


Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.

The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

I m sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", G o d said "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

 

[NippleMuncher]

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

'I am 96' said the old man.'I don't want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers.'

 

[smoothdevil]

and they breed

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away!

 

[smoothdevil]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.





One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :...... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing