How to make people laugh

[redpaint]

7 yeard old give comments about beer

A handful of 7 year old children were asked ' what they thought of beer.' Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching. 7 year old Tim- ' I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'

7 year old Melanie - ' Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.

7 year old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'

7 year old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'

7 year old Lilly - ' My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
7 year old Ethan - ' I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and they taste disgusting.'

7 year old Shirley - ' I give Dad's beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep.'

7 year old Jack - ' My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'

 

[redpaint]

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.

Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down.

This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail and she told me to 'go fly a kite'."

 

[redpaint]

In the 1970's, before women were allowed to sign up for combat duty, a man was bragging to his friends about how his sister disguised herself as a man and was able to join the army.

"But, wait a minute," said one listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?" asked his friend.

The man shrugged and replied, "But who will tell?"

 

[redpaint]

The Children Are Our Future

This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students: It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones.

1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.


2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.


3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.


4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.


5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.


6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.


7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.


8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.


9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.


10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.


11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.

12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.


13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.


14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.


15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.


16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.


17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.


18. Blood flows down one leg and up the the other.

 

[redpaint]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little

5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we
all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction
crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity
going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less,
adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with
them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here
and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who
suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the
next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and
asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young
age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew
building the new house next door to us.'

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?'

The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver
the f...n' sheet rock...'

 

[wally2450]

The Socialite telephoned her son-in-law and was berating him for the
rumors she'd heard about his affair with a typist who worked for him.

"You obviously don't appreciate the difference between a woman of
breeding and position and a cheap little office slut." his
mother-in-Law admonished him.

The man replied, "And you my dear Mother Johnson obviously don't
appreciate the difference between dignified acquiescence and true
enthusiastic cooperation."

 

[wally2450]

A police officer came upon a terrible car crash where two people had been killed. As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.

"You can understand what I'm saying?"asked the officer.

Again, the monkey nodded.

"Well, did you see what happened?"

The monkey nodded. He pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey nodded. The monkey then pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking deeply.

"They were smoking marijuana too?" asked the officer.

The monkey nodded. He made a sexual sign with his fingers

"So they were playing around as well!?" asked the astounded officer.

Again, the monkey nodded.

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smokiing and playing around before they wrecked the car?"

The monkey nodded.

"What were you doing during all this?" asked the officer.

The monkey held up his hands on an imaginary steering wheel.

 

[Crudebug]

*throws the plate at someone's head* funny...very funny...*sticks tongue out*

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

=========================

lmao... Lady!!!! aincha heard of disposable dishes...

as for illegal killing... hmmmm
how about trying to blow his brains till they leak outta his swollen head

 

[smoothdevil]

the guy's side of the story
( I must admit it's pretty good)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note.. These are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.
Pumpkin i s also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you sa y "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

[MagicFingers]

Speaking of understanding men

What if men wrote advice columns?

 

[MagicFingers]

Hey, I have a new girlfriend

Did I tell you I have a new girlfriend?
I really like her.
She's blind, but she wears these cute little t-shirts with Braille messages on them...

Did you hear about the couple getting married?
She asked him, "Hey, why did you bring your golf bag to the alter?"
He said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

 

[wally2450]

For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. Now,
at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage
to ask her the most momentous of all questions.

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a
bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when
one longs for the companionship of another being, a
being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom
one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind
and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's
joys and sorrows."

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's
eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, Lynn
responded, "I think it's a great idea! Can I help you
choose which puppy to buy?"

 

[babeandhertoy]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning
against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its
face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over,
and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

 

[babeandhertoy]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most
perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.


In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her cell phone
rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a
terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the Intensive Care Unit.


The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be
there as soon as possible.


As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best
day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before
heading to the hospital.


She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of
coffee and a beautiful cake slice, complimentary, from the last shop. She was
jubilant.


Then, she remembered her husband.


Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor
and asked about her husband's condition.


The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out
for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been
languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and
finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever
take!


"For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now
be his caretaker!"


The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed ...


The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead.
What did you buy?"

 

[wally2450]

Bubba decided to visit Colorado to do something he could
never do back home....snow skiing.

Unfortunately for Bubba, before he was even able to make it
up the hill, he was knocked unconscious by the chairlift.

As soon as he could, he called his insurance company from
the hospital only to be told that they were refusing to
cover his injury.

"What do you mean?!?" Bubba screamed. "Why wouldn't you
cover an injury like this?"

"You got hit in the head with a chairlift," the insurance
rep. explained. "That makes you a moron.......and we
consider that to be a pre-existing condition."

 

[wally2450]

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can 't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND THE NUMBER ON E REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR..............

# 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.

 

[wally2450]

Gray Matter Workout

A workout for the grey matter! Answers follow all 5 1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

Answers:1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

 

[wally2450]

More Of, You Might Be A Redneck If...

121. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.

122. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

123. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

124. Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.

125. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

126. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

127. You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.

128. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

129. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

130. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

131. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

132. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

133. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formaloccasions.

134. Red Man sends you a Christmas card.

135. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

136. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling whileyou are at work.

137. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

138. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

139. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

140. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

 

[wally2450]

A young, flat-chested woman discovered the fabled magic lamp, and
sure enough, when she rubbed it, out popped a magic genie, ready to
grant her a single wish.

"I want two of the biggest boobs in the whole world!" she said.

The genie nodded, waved his hand, and, all of a sudden -- poof! --
there was
a great cloud of smoke.

When it had cleared, the woman saw, standing beside her, Hillary
Clinton and some guy named Obama.

 

[smoothdevil]

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.! As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10 Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.
__________________

 

[smoothdevil]

A young, flat-chested woman discovered the fabled magic lamp, and
sure enough, when she rubbed it, out popped a magic genie, ready to
grant her a single wish.

"I want two of the biggest boobs in the whole world!" she said.

The genie nodded, waved his hand, and, all of a sudden -- poof! --
there was
a great cloud of smoke.

When it had cleared, the woman saw, standing beside her, Hillary
Clinton and some guy named Obama.

LMAO .... but I think it will be all those that vote for them ... lol

 

[wally2450]

LMAO .... but I think it will be all those that vote for them ... lol

Yep, them too, them too!

 

[wally2450]

"That old Solomon, he was a mighty wise King," mused one of them.
"All those wives and concubines; you know sometimes I wonder how he
arranged to provide the necessary food for all those women."

"How he fed all those women doesn't interest me," said the second
man, "I just wonder what he was eating himself."

 

[glynndah]

CLASSIFIED ADS


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8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

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1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake . Call Stephanie.

 

[EurasianRhapsody]

Peanuts
One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question. As he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper into his ear.

He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father.

"That's wonderful. He's so smart! I wonder what he's gonna be when he grows up!"

"From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."

ha! good one.