How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

Sue: I just don't share the enthusiasm
some new parents have for babies.

Barb: Yeah, I know what you mean.

Sue: Last week I spent a whole afternoon
with Janie and her two brats, and my
Fallopian tubes tied themselves!

 

[wally2450]

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down
a
cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing
motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the
miraculously
unharmed driver out of the wreck.
"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?"
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the
hell do you think I am -- a fucking stunt driver?"

 

[smoothdevil]

CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent 12 Calories
Without her consent 2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands 8 Calories
With one hand 12 Calories
With your teeth 485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection 6 Calories
Without an erection 3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary 12 Calories
69 lying down 78 Calories
69 standing up 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow 216 Calories
Doggy Style 326 Calories
Italian chandelier 2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real 112 Calories
Fake 1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories
Getting up immediately 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately 816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years 36 Calories
30-39 years 80 Calories
40-49 years 124 Calories
50-59 years 1,972 Calories
60-69 years 7,916 Calories
70 and over Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.. 32 Calories
In a hurry 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door 5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door 13,521 Calori es

Results may vary!

 

[wally2450]

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on
their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy
patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few
minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they
saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some
oxen before him.

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and
offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The
husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know,
you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looked around at the fields incredulously
and asked the farmer, "When do you have time to plow
your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when
I put the water in the hole."

 

[wally2450]

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"

Husband: "Guess who?"

Wife: "I know who it is!"

Husband: "Guess what I want?"

Wife: "I know what you want!"

Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

 

[smoothdevil]

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"

Husband: "Guess who?"

Wife: "I know who it is!"

Husband: "Guess what I want?"

Wife: "I know what you want!"

Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

great one Wally .... LMAO

 

[bailadora]

Mrs. Finkel was in her garden, hanging up her washing on the line
when her gossipy neighbor poked her head over the fence.

"I hate to tell you this, Rachel," said the gossip, "but there's a
rumor that your husband, Abe, is chasing the shiksas. And at his age
too!" she clucked like a chicken. "He's seventy-five, no?"

"Nu, so he's seventy-five," replied Mrs Finkel. "So let him chase
girls. dogs chase cars - but when they catch one, can they drive it?"

This is hilarious!

 

[Cathleen]

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale:
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.
-------------------------------------------------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
------------------------------ ------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to Tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you husband and wife."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

---------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
------------------------------------------------------------------ - -----
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk
to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

 

[done_got_old]

screen cleaner

 

[wally2450]

Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but
he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do
they cost?" he asked the salesperson.

"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to
$2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You
just stick this button in your ear and run this little
string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" , asked Morris.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied.
"But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

 

[Cathleen]

I think I received the best spam email of all time.

Subject line: What you need is an award winning weiner.


If they only knew how true that is, well, it doesn't have to be the blue ribbon weiner, I'm open to negotiations.

 

[wally2450]

His girl's proud father was leading a young suitor through the voluminous pages of the old family album.

After seeing scores of members of the clan, the young man was finally shown the picture of a solid-looking old gentleman. "This," said the father proudly, "is the founder of the family."

"What did he do?" asked the young man.

"He founded the family," the older man said again.

"I mean, sir," the suitor floundered, "what did he do to distinguish himself?"

"He was the founder of the family," the father rasped in exasperation.

"I understand that, sir," the suitor sighed. "I just wondered what the old gent did in the day-time."

 

[smoothdevil]

THE SURGEON AND THE BLONDE

A surgeon is talking to a blonde about her upcoming operation. "Do you have any questions?" the doctor asks. She replied "Yes, how long before I can get back to my normal sex life?"

"I hadn't really thought about that" replied the surgeon "but after a tonsillectomy, I'd say about a week"

 

[smoothdevil]

SAFE SEX COUNTRY STYLE



A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.

Jed says, "Luke?"

Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?"
asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

"Me, neither," says Jed,

" So let's take these things off."

 

[wally2450]

You know you're kinky when...

- You've got a toy chest bigger than the one in your 6
year old son's room.

- Your children ask if they can borrow your "costumes"
for Halloween.

- Your body piercings set off the metal detectors at
the court house.

- You become a locksmith to avoid having to make
embarrassing calls at 2

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Love and Marriage

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute,
inquisitive, bright as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept
of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding
photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride
arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding
ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to
work for us?"

 

[smoothdevil]

Top 8 Morons of 2007

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.




2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."




3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.



4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"



6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"




7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!



8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.


NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.


Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

 

[wally2450]

On the job as a dental receptionist, I answered the phone and noticed on the caller ID screen that the incoming call was from an auto-repair shop.

The man on the line begged to see the dentist because of a painful tooth. "Which side of your mouth?" I asked.

He sighed and answered, "The passenger side."

 

[wally2450]

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a
painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of
Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the
Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked,
and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they
have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this
is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

 

[smoothdevil]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 South, just outside of
Washington . Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on
his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?
What's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Obama, Ted Kennedy, Jesse
Jackson, Al Sharpton, Al Gore and John Kerry. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set
them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon

 

[smoothdevil]

THE SURGEON AND THE BLONDE

A surgeon is talking to a blonde about her upcoming operation. "Do you have any questions?" the doctor asks. She replied "Yes, how long before I can get back to my normal sex life?"

"I hadn't really thought about that" replied the surgeon "but after a tonsillectomy, I'd say about a week"

 

[wally2450]

A father, who worked away from home all week,
always made a special effort to be with his
family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he
would take his 7-year old daughter out for a
drive in the car for some bonding time.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold
and he really didn't feel like being up at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said
that she would take their daughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
father.

"Well," the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mommy?"

"Oh yes, Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you
know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard
or lousy shit head!"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it...

 

[wally2450]

A beautiful young blonde woman was appearing in court to face a
public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the
court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took
a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the
witness stand.

The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.

"Not guilty," the blonde answered emphatically.

The prosecutor then approached the blonde and said,
"Is it true that on the 11th of December last year you
committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf
who was waving a union jack on the roof of a car, whilst
travelling at over 100 mph through the centre of London in a
blizzard and you were totally nude?"

The blonde composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution
council and calmly said, "What was the date again?"

 

[luvitlong]

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

 

[ltnsfr007]

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

LOL, that was funny.

Now tell us, how much did you get LIL?

 

[smoothdevil]

While OJ was being chased down the interstate
He got a call from Rodney King.

Rodney said, "What ever you do don't get out of that truck"

He also got a call from Michael Jackson

Michael said, "What ever happens I'LL BABY SIT".