Xectxny19X
The Dark Angel
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2005
- Posts
- 2,103
oOh LoL, damn. *shakes head left and right* 
quoll said:
How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
Quoll
Area 25
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2004
- Posts
- 10,886
Not a duck, sorry
THE CUCKOO CLOCK...
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my
husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margarita's went down way too easy, around
3
a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution
even when totally smashed, in order to escape a possible conflict with
him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
“Midnight”.
He didn't seem disturbed at all!!
Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped
over the cat and farted."
THE CUCKOO CLOCK...
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my
husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margarita's went down way too easy, around
3
a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution
even when totally smashed, in order to escape a possible conflict with
him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
“Midnight”.
He didn't seem disturbed at all!!
Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped
over the cat and farted."
Quoll
Area 25
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2004
- Posts
- 10,886
Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what
would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and
servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!"
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what
would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and
servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!"
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN:
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..Can we get naked now?.
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..Can we get naked now?.
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him
Quoll
Area 25
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2004
- Posts
- 10,886
You don`t know Jack Schitt!.
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
ourselves at a loss when someone says, You don`t know Jack Schitt!? Well
thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt the ower of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had
one
son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt,
and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents` objections,
Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt
latter married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt
Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
rater nervious disposition names chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable thoughout
childhood
and sudsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The
wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the
prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy
with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don`t know Jack Schitt," you can correct
them.
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
ourselves at a loss when someone says, You don`t know Jack Schitt!? Well
thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt the ower of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had
one
son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt,
and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents` objections,
Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt
latter married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt
Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
rater nervious disposition names chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable thoughout
childhood
and sudsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The
wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the
prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy
with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don`t know Jack Schitt," you can correct
them.
Last edited:
Xectxny19X
The Dark Angel
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2005
- Posts
- 2,103
ROFLMAO! tOo much tOo much!
Ancient Chinese Torture
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
MagicFingers
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2003
- Posts
- 2,373
Of course...
You've heard this one, no?
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one....but it must really be willing to change!
Saucyminx said:How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but how did they get in there?
A
You've heard this one, no?
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one....but it must really be willing to change!
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour.
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded.
He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'. She said 'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart'.
He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?'. She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard'.
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded.
He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'. She said 'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart'.
He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?'. She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard'.
Quoll
Area 25
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2004
- Posts
- 10,886
Top joke in England
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.
Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She
says
to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold
your monkey for you.
Top joke in USA
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One
of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral
procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes
off
his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I
have
ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that
ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA
scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in
zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including
glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Top joke in Australia
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all
strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up
this
morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and
frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot
and
bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with
me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:"Well,
I
can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."
Top Joke in Wales
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a
gang
of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if
he
could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and
replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Top Joke in Scotland
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in
terror like his passengers.
Top Joke in Northern Ireland
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear,
what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be
worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
THE WINNING JOKE
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls
to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back
in
his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The
operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot
is
heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.
Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She
says
to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold
your monkey for you.
Top joke in USA
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One
of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral
procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes
off
his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I
have
ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that
ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA
scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in
zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including
glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Top joke in Australia
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all
strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up
this
morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and
frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot
and
bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with
me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:"Well,
I
can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."
Top Joke in Wales
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a
gang
of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if
he
could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and
replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Top Joke in Scotland
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in
terror like his passengers.
Top Joke in Northern Ireland
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear,
what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be
worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
THE WINNING JOKE
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls
to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back
in
his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The
operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot
is
heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
G
Guest
Guest
VermilionSkye said:
Ditto that! LMAO!!
no, not literally
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF
A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER.
I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER...
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN And I HAVE A GUN!
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY... I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE
And last but not least:
If you want breakfast in bed... sleep in the kitchen!
A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER.
I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER...
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN And I HAVE A GUN!
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY... I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE
And last but not least:
If you want breakfast in bed... sleep in the kitchen!
Saucyminx
High heels and attitude
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2005
- Posts
- 6,251
reaching the bottom of the barrel
Superman is flying over the city one day, when he looks down and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing naked. He thinks, Damn, I gotta get me some of that. If I just use super speed, she'll never even know what hit her. So he fies down at superspeed, fucks her and flies off satisfied. Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but my ass sure hurts!"
A traveling circus is in town and all the performers go to Church for confession. After one of the acrobats makes his confession, the priest gives him his penance and says, "There is quite a line out there today. Do you think you could do some flips or something down the aisle and entertain the crowd a bit? "
The acrobat leaves the confessional and does hand springs and back flips the whole way down the aisle. A little old nun in the back of the line looks concerned and says, (in a barely passable Irish accent) "Oh, dearie me. Look what Father O'Flanagan is given for penance, and me without me underwear."
So, how many Our Fathers is that going to get me, do you think?
Superman is flying over the city one day, when he looks down and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing naked. He thinks, Damn, I gotta get me some of that. If I just use super speed, she'll never even know what hit her. So he fies down at superspeed, fucks her and flies off satisfied. Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but my ass sure hurts!"
A traveling circus is in town and all the performers go to Church for confession. After one of the acrobats makes his confession, the priest gives him his penance and says, "There is quite a line out there today. Do you think you could do some flips or something down the aisle and entertain the crowd a bit? "
The acrobat leaves the confessional and does hand springs and back flips the whole way down the aisle. A little old nun in the back of the line looks concerned and says, (in a barely passable Irish accent) "Oh, dearie me. Look what Father O'Flanagan is given for penance, and me without me underwear."
So, how many Our Fathers is that going to get me, do you think?
Last edited:
Quoll
Area 25
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2004
- Posts
- 10,886
Just scratching the surface
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to
you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute".
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to
you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute".
Saucyminx
High heels and attitude
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2005
- Posts
- 6,251
found another barrel
and it was full of ducks!
A duck walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer."
The bartender looks shocked and says, "Where did you come from?"
The duck says, "I'm working the construction site across the street."
The bartender says, "Why do you work construction when you could make millions of dollars in the circus?"
The duck says, "Why would the circus want a brick laying duck?"
A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for some Chapstick. The pharmacist says, "cash or check?" The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."
A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. The bartender looks up and says, "Where did you get the pig?"
The woman says, "It's not a pig. It's a duck."
The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
and it was full of ducks!
A duck walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer."
The bartender looks shocked and says, "Where did you come from?"
The duck says, "I'm working the construction site across the street."
The bartender says, "Why do you work construction when you could make millions of dollars in the circus?"
The duck says, "Why would the circus want a brick laying duck?"
A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for some Chapstick. The pharmacist says, "cash or check?" The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."
A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. The bartender looks up and says, "Where did you get the pig?"
The woman says, "It's not a pig. It's a duck."
The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
Quoll
Area 25
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2004
- Posts
- 10,886
Some one left their corner
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple`s house and, after eating;
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly
gentlemen were talking and one says, "Last night we went out to a new
restaurant, and it was great. I would recommend it highly."
The other man says, "What`s the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to
his companion, "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to
someone you love?"
His friend replies: "A carnation?"
"No, no. The other one,' the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The poppy?"
"Nahhhh." growls the man. "You know, the one that is red and had
thorns."
His friend says. "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and
yells, "Rose what`s the name of the restaurant we went to last night?"
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple`s house and, after eating;
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly
gentlemen were talking and one says, "Last night we went out to a new
restaurant, and it was great. I would recommend it highly."
The other man says, "What`s the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to
his companion, "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to
someone you love?"
His friend replies: "A carnation?"
"No, no. The other one,' the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The poppy?"
"Nahhhh." growls the man. "You know, the one that is red and had
thorns."
His friend says. "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and
yells, "Rose what`s the name of the restaurant we went to last night?"
Xectxny19X
The Dark Angel
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2005
- Posts
- 2,103
LoL, there's a lot to read! I'm reading a couple right now before I head out for the morning...and OMG... *smiles and giggles* Thanks for the jokes!
Xectxny19X
The Dark Angel
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2005
- Posts
- 2,103
Saucyminx said:Superman is flying over the city one day, when he looks down and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing naked. He thinks, Damn, I gotta get me some of that. If I just use super speed, she'll never even know what hit her. So he fies down at superspeed, fucks her and flies off satisfied. Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but my ass sure hurts!"
A traveling circus is in town and all the performers go to Church for confession. After one of the acrobats makes his confession, the priest gives him his penance and says, "There is quite a line out there today. Do you think you could do some flips or something down the aisle and entertain the crowd a bit? "
The acrobat leaves the confessional and does hand springs and back flips the whole way down the aisle. A little old nun in the back of the line looks concerned and says, (in a barely passable Irish accent) "Oh, dearie me. Look what Father O'Flanagan is given for penance, and me without me underwear."
So, how many Our Fathers is that going to get me, do you think?
oOh damn, ROFLMAO
Quoll
Area 25
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2004
- Posts
- 10,886
Gonna burn.............
GRANDMA
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if
you love Jesus bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I
bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had
changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there,
the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his
window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant
cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have
been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something
about a sunny beach...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck
up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious
experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when
I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through
the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the
light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the
window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I
drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
GRANDMA
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if
you love Jesus bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I
bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had
changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there,
the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his
window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant
cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have
been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something
about a sunny beach...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck
up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious
experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when
I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through
the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the
light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the
window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I
drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
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