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tbg312 said:I would also add, reward appropriately when your partner makes even the smallest steps towards your desire.
M-Y-Erotica said:I agree very much here. Often if someone isn't in to dominating another, they are incredibly turned on by the idea of making someone feel amazing. The more you can show how good the domination makes you feel, the more you might get him to continue. He always assumes that to turn you on he should slowly nibble up your legs or an hour, but if you can convince him that slamming it in drives you crazy, he is more likely to come back for more. So, yeah, play it up.
Scepter said:What kind of domination? Light bondage, heavy restraints or just being a little more rough when making love?
Do you want him to rip your clothes off and take you roughly? Talk to you like you're a slut?
So many degrees of domination....
Other than that I agree with what everyone else has already said, drop hints or just freaking tell him what you want.![]()
silverwhisper said:if he isn't by nature a domme
What exactly have you tried? How have the conversations gone (i.e. what you've said, and his response(s))? Has he made any effort, or just kind of ignored or forgotten about the whole thing?Kpooh said:Sooo...what if you've done all the obvious (see above) ?? Then what?
SweetErika said:What exactly have you tried? How have the conversations gone (i.e. what you've said, and his response(s))? Has he made any effort, or just kind of ignored or forgotten about the whole thing?
I have a little experience that may help and give you some ideas. I think the main hurdles my husband and I addressed are:
-Not knowing quite what "domination" means or what to do.
I've shared some elements of my fantasies and eased into it, more or less. For example, I encouraged and showed him to be rougher with my nipples, and gave lots of positive feedback during and after when he was. I asked if he'd like to try tying each other up, blindfolds, etc., we tried, and both enjoyed it. In the heat of the moment, I've said, "Spank me," and playfully suggested I needed to be punished for being bad/dirty/slutty/not complying quick enough or properly (again, LOTS of positive feedback so he knew I enjoyed it and wanted more).
-Fear (of doing it wrong, feeling stupid, cutting the intimacy out of sex, and hurting me). Telling, showing, plenty of communication and positive feedback helped. We also set up safe words, and talked about what would happen if I didn't like it or something really hurt. I reassured him I'd never be angry or upset at him for trying things, even if I didn't enjoy them. I had to ask him for a lot of stuff at first, but that let him know what was okay and allowed him to let go of the fears. In essence, we built a lot of trust.
-Lack of natural dom. tendencies and experience (and probably desire) role playing. In sharing fantasies, I learned he also thought about being submissive, so I started dominating him sometimes, which gave him ideas on what I might like, things to say, role playing, etc., and sure enough, he picked it right up. I brought in concepts I liked such as pleasure and orgasm control, showed, and told him I'd enjoy the same.
We both realized that even though we're both naturally more submissive and not big into role-playing, it can be easy to switch roles and really get into it once you start and see how much your partner enjoys it.
Is it hardcore or a copy of my fantasies? Absolutely not, but it's closer than we were, and compatible with my fantasies. It spices things up, and gives me great pleasure to have some of the elements fulfilled AND it gave me an opportunity to learn more about and practice things that please him. It's taken time, though we probably went slower than necessary, and I believe we've set the stage to continue experimenting and adding in the future, which is encouraging.
I think it's interesting that nobody had jumped in with that up to this point, because I'd thought about this as well.phoenix1224 said:There is absolutely NO way that you can MAKE a person be anything they aren't or do anything that they don't want to do.
The ONLY thing that you can do is express your needs to your partner in a non-threatening/non-confrontational way (and NOT while your in the bedroom) and, either he CAN or he CAN'T fulfill those needs.
That may work sometimes, but years later, I'd still be waiting for my husband to give me that spanking and cook up other ideas had I just acted more submissive. Telling someone what you want might be dominant, but I find it easy to do that and then slip back into a submissive role, or ask in a way that sounds submissive. Are there other ways to go about it like asking when you're not having sex? Absolutely. However, I found what I described worked best with our personalities and actually got results. I have one of the guys who really doesn't pick up on subtlety or translate talking about certain things into action so well; just acting submissive didn't work at all, so, as CorsetLvr said, I "hit him over the head with the issue," and surely enough, we got it.SelenaKittyn said:I still say: be more submissive.
There is a natural polarity that happens in sexual attraction (think magnets)... one is in the more "masculine" (or dominant) pole, the other the more "feminine" (or receptive/submissive) pole... this happens regardless of gender...
if you are "telling him what to do" ... you are immediately taking the dominant role. Direction and guidance are naturally occupations at that pole. If you are occupying that energy space, HE CAN'T... he is forced to be at the opposite pole...
you'd be amazed what being more submissive will do. That doesn't mean laying there like a wet noodle and doing nothing. And of course "control" is illusory... ask any submissive who REALLY has more control in a D/S relationship! <grin>
Great points. I think the aspect of social conditioning that stood out with my husband is he had a tendency to look at sex as somewhat formulaic and mostly about love and intimacy a couple of years into our relationship. It's hard to add things that seem counterintuitive to those ideas, and you're right about communicating being the key.CorsetLvr said:I agree with your comments, but let's add another factor in there. That being SOCIAL CONDITIONING. In todays day and age many feel inhibited in being more dominant. Society tells them they need to be softer and more loving. I have no problem with those properties but they often need to be in balance with other characteristics that many women find attractive in a man, such as a certain degree of dominance. In many ways women are sending mixed messages to men and they are sometimes understandably confused. On one side we are saying we want to be equals, but at other times we want to be submissive. Wouldn't you be confused too. I hate to say it, but this comes down to a communication issue (again). He needs to know under what circumstances and within what limits you are willing to surrender control. Face it, guys aren't very swift at picking up subtle hints. Sometimes you just have to hit them over the head with an issue to get their attention.
phoenix1224 said:There is absolutely NO way that you can MAKE a person be anything they aren't or do anything that they don't want to do.
The ONLY thing that you can do is express your needs to your partner in a non-threatening/non-confrontational way (and NOT while your in the bedroom) and, either he CAN or he CAN'T fulfill those needs.
I don't think that respecting one's partner's wishes and boundaries means that one is being "limp-wristed" (or whatever gay-male stereotype you preferStraight-8 said:Let's not be too limp-wristed about the whole thing!
I'm wondering if it's because the thread starter's female. She doesn't specify gender in her post, but I think we've all pretty much been working with the assumption that she's referring to men. What if the thread starter happened to be male and the title was "How to make a woman more submissive?" or, along those lines, "How can I make my wife/girlfriend fuck [or other choice verb] ______?" I could be wrong about this, but my experience at Lit tells me that the reaction would likely be very different.
I definitely had the thought, 'You can't MAKE someone do anything,' but didn't mention it because I didn't get the impression kpooh was really asking how to make him submissive. With some posters (male and female), there's a definite feeling that they want to and think they may be able to make/get/convince/manipulate the other person fulfill their desires, but I didn't get that here; it seemed like she was really asking how to introduce and encourage it than force it. *shrugs*Eilan said:I'm wondering if it's because the thread starter's female. She doesn't specify gender in her post, but I think we've all pretty much been working with the assumption that she's referring to men. What if the thread starter happened to be male and the title was "How to make a woman more submissive?" or, along those lines, "How can I make my wife/girlfriend fuck [or other choice verb] ______?" I could be wrong about this, but my experience at Lit tells me that the reaction would likely be very different.
I've noticed throughout my time at Lit (both lurking and posting) that female thread starters tend to be treated differently than men who ask similar questions. Just my observation.![]()
I've noticed throughout my time at Lit (both lurking and posting) that female thread starters tend to be treated differently than men who ask similar questions. Just my observation.