How to know if somebody is flirting with you?

[youngtallblonde]

How do you know if somebody is flirting with you in real life?
I feel kind of stupid for asking, but sometimes somebody will point out to me "that guy was flirting with you" and I just, maybe I don't understand what that entails? How do guys flirt?

 

[Cathleen]

How do you know if somebody is flirting with you in real life?
I feel kind of stupid for asking, but sometimes somebody will point out to me "that guy was flirting with you" and I just, maybe I don't understand what that entails? How do guys flirt?

Welcome to Lit.

Flirting, put simply, is showing interest in you. When someone appeals to us we ask questions about them, learn about the kind of things they enjoy, whether it's hobbies, studies, their background, etc.

Many times there is light touching, hopefully nothing that would make you uncomfortable, but maybe something to show they're interested. Look for eye contact, signs they're paying attention to what you're saying and a back and forth conversation.

Be careful here, there are many ways you can get in over your head -- I don't mean any disrespect, it's just because you're young and new here. There is fun to be had though, so enjoy (just use common sense and keep your wits about you).

 

[cittran]

I don't agree with this definition of flirting. I express interest in knowing who people are and it rarely entails flirting.

I think flirting is the expression of interest with a playfulness, cheekiness, perhaps sutble sexual overtones or the suggestion of a deeper intimacy.

As to how you detect that someone is flirting with you I have no idea. I have no radar at all for that, and never have been able to tell for sure either.

The expression 'blind as a bat' doesn't even BEGIN to cover it for me.
I'm as blind as a fucking ROCK.

On the other hand, I'm also a guy, so I have a bit of insight into how we flirt.
Or, in male terms, 'hit on'. (No, I don't know why people bother to differentiate either.) Basically, if he's been staring at you, either only your eyes, or his eyes have been roaming up and down your body, he's interested. If he's blushing, he's probably new at it, or it's difficult for him, but he's definitely interested. If he laughs too much, he's nervous, but still interested. I've seen some of my friends pick up dates. Usually about 10 to 15 minutes after saying something along the lines of "she's HOT". (Sorry, but a lot of guys really are that shallow at a young age.) If he's been lingering around where you are for much longer than he needed to, (such as if up till now he's been talking with his friends, who are on the other side of the room), and he suddenly starts talking to you, he might be intersted.
One of the girls I knew told me that one of the easiest ways for her to find out if a guy was interested was simply to ask, in a non-intrusive way, "So, who did you come here with/who invited you?" She said that if his friends were in another room, or weren't close by, he was generally interested. She wasn't right all the time, but she found it was accurate often enough.

Of course, a much more direct way is to ask, "Are you flirting with me/Are you interested in me?"

No plan is perfect though, and no plan survives first contact with the target.

Honestly, I don't have much experience with the fairer sex. (Read: 'not much' as 'practically nothing'.)

 

[stickygirl]

One of the girls I knew told me that one of the easiest ways for her to find out if a guy was interested was simply to ask, in a non-intrusive way, "So, who did you come here with/who invited you?" She said that if his friends were in another room, or weren't close by, he was generally interested. She wasn't right all the time, but she found it was accurate often enough.
That's clever *makes note of that*

"Of course, a much more direct way is to ask, "Are you flirting with me" Is fine
"Are you interested in me?" Ouch - game over

Flirting is a game, some play well, some don't even know the rules. So "Are you flirting with me?" still allows room for the other person to keep playing as well as cutting away some of the uncertainty. However even if they say 'yes' they could still hold the trump cards, because they could just be teasing you to lead you on, but with no intention of meeting you again later.

For me the sexiest flirting is the simplest - keep catching the other person's eye: it's what pupil dilation is there for!

 

[amofiga]

I think you have to be careful about that is flirting and what is just basic interest as a friend. Both men and women can confuse "signals" and I've been bitten in the butt many times over the course of my life in both thinking women have been flirting when they aren't or missing signals when they are. I once had a married lady co-worker whom I sensed might be "flirting" with me and giving signals that she could be interested in some secret fun. I was contemplating making a move. Then one day she said to me, "You wouldn't believe that "so and so" hit on me because he thought I was into that. I swear, I get that all the time just because I'm a little friendly and open. Men think I'm hitting on them and it's just so damned embarrassing all around when they misunderstand who I am." I was thankful that I didn't make a fool of myself.

On the other side of that coin, I once went to say goodbye to a lady I'd known for years who had been laid off. Over the years we had some of what I thought was fun flirting. She saw me, came over, put her arms around my neck, planted a huge kiss on my mouth and said, "I've always wanted to do that but was afraid of what might happen to me around here. So what can they do to me now. I just wish you had shown some interest all this time because I would have loved to have known you a whole lot better."

So if you figure out what's flirting and what's not, please let me know. My flirt radar has always been a little off frequency.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

My rule of thumb is proximity and frequency of contact.

I pay zero attention to whatever BS a woman offers me, I pay attention to how often she makes contact (physical or phone or online), and I go from there, nudging her deftly this way and that to discern her intentions.

Guys! If a woman wants you she'll come get you. She wont hesitate at all. Females are not shy.

Lotsa women at LIT are players, and if a woman refuses to send me an email address or a photo, she's likely screwing with me, more than likely someone using an alt. Because its EZ to create email accounts, and its EZ to stage pix. So when they refuse I assume theyre up to no good. When a woman makes excuses, write her off, she aint interested for real.

 

[LikeASnowflake]

Maybe this video will help you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sryODFzkNk

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

maybe

Maybe flirting is in the same category as females in skirts. That is, they allow easy almost immediate access to their sex organs and sexual part of the brain, but only if and when they are receptive and ready. Guys can never be certain, even with intimates, what is going on. My wife and other females I've known are able to bat their eyes and flirt outrageously with me or other men in the vicinity, giving the impression they are ready to lie down, raise their skirt and welcome sex and then, if confronted, swear they meant nothing of the kind and are amazed that their actions were taken the wrong way. My supposition is that it has something to do with wiring in the female brain that leads here to be ready to allow for sex and impregnation at a moment's notice, all the while retaining the right to say "No" right up to the moment of intromission.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Uh, no. If they play BAIT & SWITCH find another doll to play with. Plenty of women play BLUE-BALLS, blue balls is the point of the game.

 

[Trolltroll420]

If you are female, and a guy you don't know is talking to you, he probably wants to fuck you. Just assume that every guy is flirting with you.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

If you are female, and a guy you don't know is talking to you, he probably wants to fuck you. Just assume that every guy is flirting with you.

True.

 

[fire_breeze]

Eh, I'm stupid when it comes to noticing people flirting with me, and I'm a possessor of a Double X chromosome. *shrugs* That said, when I'm with my all, I love pointing out to him to women who are not only checking him out but also flirting with him. I get a kick out of it .

There's flirting and there's flirting with intent. Most flirting is innocent, a type of social interaction. I know people who'd flirt with a tree, it doesn't mean that they're interested. It's just a pleasant way to pass the time, to let the other person know that they find them attractive, and let's face it, everyone likes knowing that they are attractive - it does not mean that the flirter wants to jump in bed with the flirtee (in most cases, there is zero sexual or romantic interest). It's fun, it's innocent, it's harmless.

Flirting with intent, on the other hand, is more direct. It signals interest for sexual and/or romantic intimacy. It's more suggestive, and while it's fun there can be a current of seriousness.

The trouble starts when one person is indicating one type of flirting and the other person understands it as the second type of flirting.

Every single person has their own flirting pattern. If someone says that I am flirting with him because I'm twirling my hair, he is patently wrong. I twirl my hair out of a bad habit.

Not much help, but I think it's crucial to point out that everyone flirts differently, and not for the same reasons.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Eh, I'm stupid when it comes to noticing people flirting with me, and I'm a possessor of a Double X chromosome. *shrugs* That said, when I'm with my all, I love pointing out to him to women who are not only checking him out but also flirting with him. I get a kick out of it .

There's flirting and there's flirting with intent. Most flirting is innocent, a type of social interaction. I know people who'd flirt with a tree, it doesn't mean that they're interested. It's just a pleasant way to pass the time, to let the other person know that they find them attractive, and let's face it, everyone likes knowing that they are attractive - it does not mean that the flirter wants to jump in bed with the flirtee (in most cases, there is zero sexual or romantic interest). It's fun, it's innocent, it's harmless.

Flirting with intent, on the other hand, is more direct. It signals interest for sexual and/or romantic intimacy. It's more suggestive, and while it's fun there can be a current of seriousness.

The trouble starts when one person is indicating one type of flirting and the other person understands it as the second type of flirting.

Every single person has their own flirting pattern. If someone says that I am flirting with him because I'm twirling my hair, he is patently wrong. I twirl my hair out of a bad habit.

Not much help, but I think it's crucial to point out that everyone flirts differently, and not for the same reasons.

Not men. We play for keeps with every wink. Who would want a man who didn't!

 

[Trolltroll420]

Agree... I have no interest in women other than sex. All my real friends are male. Females are of no use to me.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Agree... I have no interest in women other than sex. All my real friends are male. Females are of no use to me.

It took me forever to figger it out, but youre right!

 

[dougsan]

I understand that for many men females are not "friend" material. I don't believe straight men and straight women can be just friends. Add in benefits then I say we can be friends. Speaking only for myself, sex always hangs between me and any woman I come in contact with -- which results in flirting with the hope I'll get laid. Doesn't matter if the woman is a court judge or a waitress. Eventually the relationship presents itself, possible FWB, friend or nothing. FWBs I'll go out of my way for, purported friends will never hear from me. Tough? It is my reality.

Further qualification is necessary. I am speaking of real women and not cyber women. Cyber women are wonderful because the flirting never stops once we agree to chat. Why? There are no real relationships just cyber ones.

Make any sense?

 

[southern_gal]

Agree... I have no interest in women other than sex. All my real friends are male. Females are of no use to me.

How are those bologna sandwiches working out for ya?

 

[shiny5437]

Equally clueless about this flirting business, here.

If you can get it over in the US 'Superflirt' by Tracey Cox is a good read and she seems to talk practical common sense about men and women. She talks about a rule of 4. That you need at least 4 'indicators' before you can say someone's interested.

Definitely worth checking out.

 

[Gaslamp_Society]

Us guys will typically show interest and flirt by finding ways to get attention...be in a place to somehow stand out...which is why dudes will be jerks and cut each other down to basically try to come out the alpha and "win the prize" per se. A lot of women like this and a lot find this irritating. however, if a guy feels like that he has a girl that he wants to convey interest, he will flirt either aggressively, getting in your space so you can feel his presence, say very direct compliments about his intentions, make flattering gestures...or make brief sexual innuendos...if he feels like the innuendos are welcomed, he may try to ramp it up.
Or.....more subtle variations of male flirting (as maybe what you have experienced), is probably more random, jocular talk...trying to make you laugh, or making some self-deprecating remarks...to let you know (hey I'm a cool guy and I want to get to know you better)..yet still trying to get your attention and feel you out. The less confident guy may struggle with eye contact and blush more (as the previous poster said)...and struggle with "closing the deal"
I suppose it comes down to if you are a woman that prefers the wild, sweep you off your feet kind of thing...or the slow controlled, let's feel each other out first kind of thing. CAUTION: Sweep you off your feet guys typically are more narcissictic/sociopathic and may be undercover assholes. The let's hang out kinda guy may be the type that is passive/aggressive...can get no respect from you...destined to the friend zone.

 

[TJcurious]

Color me clueless, too. I've been on this planet a long time, and still can't tell if somebody is flirting with me. My daughter has pointed out several times how a woman was flirting with me...but I was unconscious to it. I require a more direct approach to know it.
I, on the other hand, do flirt like crazy. So why can't I recognize when it's happening to me??

 

[Gaslamp_Society]

With women...the flirting is very subtle...and sometimes if you have to second-guess it the window is already gone. There are lots of times when my wife said..."That girl just checked you out...that bitch!" and I would have never guessed. I think what is the hard part, is that culturally, lots of women expect the man to take the initiative so they aren't going to go even meet you halfway when it comes to making a connection. At the same time, most are well accustomed to the onslaught of leerers, oglers, whistlers...that they have developed a thick skin about deflecting off unwanted attention, so if a women goes out of her way to directly say hi to you or some other indication of not being closed off...then you may have a window to work your mojo.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I see flirting all the time, and its pretty obvious to me.

I also observe hostility to my physical appearance and level of activity. That is, if the gal is married to a cripple, and youre healthy/robust and active, how you are stirs up resentment and envy. The stuff of good literary drama.

 

[Dyslexicea]

My rule of thumb is proximity and frequency of contact.

I pay zero attention to whatever BS a woman offers me, I pay attention to how often she makes contact (physical or phone or online), and I go from there, nudging her deftly this way and that to discern her intentions.

Guys! If a woman wants you she'll come get you. She wont hesitate at all. Females are not shy.

Lotsa women at LIT are players, and if a woman refuses to send me an email address or a photo, she's likely screwing with me, more than likely someone using an alt. Because its EZ to create email accounts, and its EZ to stage pix. So when they refuse I assume theyre up to no good. When a woman makes excuses, write her off, she aint interested for real.

Jimmy dear, the point of this tread is to tell her how you men flirt, not to tell the boys how to find women who happen to be easy. Granted these young men may need your advice but save that for another thread.

I'm sure you've done your share of flirting, so tell her how you flirt. Pretend she's your Granddaughter, give her some advice.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Jimmy dear, the point of this tread is to tell her how you men flirt, not to tell the boys how to find women who happen to be easy. Granted these young men may need your advice but save that for another thread.

I'm sure you've done your share of flirting, so tell her how you flirt. Pretend she's your Granddaughter, give her some advice.

Oh! Sorry bout that!

When I flirt no other female on the planet exists, she's the only one. I'm painfully honest and only compliment what I truly believe is outstanding, so I may say something (outta the blue) like, YOU HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL LEGS I'VE EVER SEEN, and I say it with the same sense of wonder I'd feel if I had just got a glimpse of paradise. I smile a lot. And I put people at ease quickly (youll never believe it ,but I can charm people). I look women in the eyes and hold the contact. And I touch them on the arm or shoulder or hand. But mostly I act like I just found the Holy Grail. And I always believe I have!

 

[Dyslexicea]

Oh! Sorry bout that!

When I flirt no other female on the planet exists, she's the only one. I'm painfully honest and only compliment what I truly believe is outstanding, so I may say something (outta the blue) like, YOU HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL LEGS I'VE EVER SEEN, and I say it with the same sense of wonder I'd feel if I had just got a glimpse of paradise. I smile a lot. And I put people at ease quickly (youll never believe it ,but I can charm people). I look women in the eyes and hold the contact. And I touch them on the arm or shoulder or hand. But mostly I act like I just found the Holy Grail. And I always believe I have!