How to keep from going insane?

[luvtofly]

Hi all, I've been with the same girl for almost a year ( 25th) and things have been amazing. We both share a lot of the same morals, values, etc which really helps and we are both in it for a serious relationship which involves eventually getting married which is in both of our minds going to be one of the happiest days of our lives.

Unfortunately a few weeks ago she decided that she wants to change from a certain masters program to a doctorate program meaning that instead of her in 3 years it'll be a minimum of 5 more years. I'll stand behind her and support her every step of the way because I know it's something she wants to do and she would be much happier in doing so, but at the same time it is a little more discouraging because I (25 years old) am forced to live with my parents because there isn't a job in my field in this state. I don't mind waiting a few years, but another 5 years will make me 30 years old and I would really like to have a decent job in my field by then and be making a living with which I can support her with. We've talked about this and she keeps telling me to look for jobs in NY because she wants to live there eventually and she could probably find a school to transfer to. Unfortunately there aren't any jobs in that area that will give me anything.

Then last night we were talking and I told her I can't wait until the day we can have our own house, our own family and live a successful life....and she decides to tell me that she's not really sure she wants to have kids. She's in fact terrified of having kids. WAIT A MINUTE......so for the past year I've been led to believe something other than what is true? For those of you who don't know me, having a few kids (probably two) is a HUGE goal in my life, and if I were able to do that and raise them to be proper adults then I would consider myself a successful person. I'm the type of person who can soothe even the most restless baby, and I've ALWAYS looked forward to the day when I would have my own to take care of.

Add on top of that the fact that I'll already be 30+ when she even thinks about wanting kids I'm hoping someone out there can understand through all of the ramblings why I'm a little moer than discouraged at the moment.

I want to work on her one month anniversary gift (writing her a song and building something), but at the moment I really don't think I can.

Anyways, any thoughts on how to keep my sanity? I really do love this girl so much and I can't stand the thought of spending one day without her in my life, but at the moment everything is just a little more than discouraging...

Thanks for any advice!

 

[Reba67]

Just a question. What "is" your field? I know you're 25, so you're not too long after having graduated? Too many people who graduate with a degree in "x" think that that's all they can do for employment. Most of us don't end up working in "our field" once we graduate. Most employers consider B. of something to be a prerequisite. They don't really care B. of what though. B. of something shows them that you had the where-with-all to get something like that done and learning how to think differently than the average high school graduate.

 

[luvtofly]

I understand what you are saying, and trust me, I'm not looking for just jobs within my field which happens to be aviation management with a minor in Computer information systems. I know that to get a position in my field I may need to look elsewhere, and indeed I did have a very generous offer from a very prestigous company when I graduated, the only problem being the 2,000 mile distance.

I spent 7 years working my way through college at a factory, and just a month ago I took a simple office job in a local sign company that does work nationwide. Currently I'm a simple project managers assistant. In laymans term the office Bi%^&. Which for now is ok with me.

I understand most of the job situation is partly my fault because I do still want to be close to her, and hopefully someday when we move I can get a job doing something I enjoy. I guess what I'm saying is it gets a little discouraging because I don't know when that time will come as she keeps changing what she wants to do with her life.

..I'll just stop now as 52 hours and no sleep tends to make my posts loopy....

 

[glynndah]

The career aspect of this doesn't concern me so much as the other things do. You really need to sit down with her and seriously discuss the future as you both see it. You don't seem to be in synch and now's the time to find these things out, not in a few years and some serious commitments down the road.

 

[PertPerth]

Not to depress you, but another thing to remember is that your girlfriend will most likely to want to have HER career (ie be working for a few years) before even thinking about having kids. So, if you'll be 30 when she graduates... you'll be waiting a few more years after than before anything happens.

If you've not lived together yet, it's a very difficult thing to try and give you advice. Are you sure she's THE ONE? If she is, she's worth waiting for. If you're not sure - go and find your dream job, where ever it may be in the world!

I've seen different things happen to my friends in relationships :
One friend moved overseas for work her boyfriend didn't want to move, so he stayed behind. After 2 months he couldn't stand to be apart from her, so he moved. They're now married with 2 kids.
Another friend of mine has been offered 3 jobs (over a period of about 4 years. All of which she'd LOVE to have taken) overseas and interstate. She turned all of them down because her boyfriend didn't want her to move. He just broke up with her.

So, what I guess I'm trying to say is that if you follow your career dreams, you might just get your girl! And, if you stay for her, you might end up hating her for "holding you back" if things don't work out the way you have imagined they would.

I suggest you just talk to her. Tell her the things you need and the things that you're flexible on. After all, relationship is about give and take - so o get you might not get everything you want, but you could get everything you need.

Good luck
~Pert

 

[SweetErika]

I don't know how old she is, but I think it's critical to understand how many changes take place in our 20's (especially from 20-25 or so). She may very well have thought she wanted kids for the past year, but now with her decision to shoot for a doctorate, she's reconsidering, unsure, or has changed her mind completely. She may change it back, or the future may solidify her decision not to have kids, just like she might decide to change her career plans, take time off to work/travel, not get married, etc., in the future.

The important point isn't whether or not there will be huge changes, it's how we, as individuals and couples, deal with those changes. Some couples are particularly resiliant, adapting relatively easily to major changes. They're usually the ones who stay together happily for decades, rather than splitting because they've become "different people" or "just want different things from life." While I don't wish hardship on anyone, my husband and I found it to be a very good predictor of how we'd deal with difficulty and major changes, so I think it's a wise idea to hold off on marriage until you've been through several of those events as a couple and have confidence in how you'll deal with it in the future.

Has she seriously looked into going to school in the areas you're more likely to get a good job, even if they're 2000 miles away from where you are now?

What about agreeing to do long-distance for a set period (say, 6-12 months), then deciding where you want to go from there? If she needs a certain amount of time to finish her current degree, you could use that time to position yourself for the job you want, and then come together when she's ready to do the next degree. Long distance isn't easy, but it's a lot easier when there's an end in sight and periodic visits are possible.

 

[M's girl]

deleted

 

[luvtofly]

Did she actually tell you she was certain she wanted to have children too, or is it something you just assumed? I have always said, from the age of 16 I suppose, that one day I would get engaged, then married and then would have children. That's what I knew and thought would happen. My "plans" never changed, just got postponed over and over again because I was not ready or the situation was not right. I now know I will never have children. Don't want them and if I would I would probably consider myself too old anyway. No regrets too. Looking back I think I might have always known, in the back of my mind, that I would probably never ever have kids of my own. I just never wanted to close off the option all together I guess...

Has she always known this from you actually telling her? I know a good share of men who are simply great with kids and would be wonderful fathers IMO but if you ask them if they would not want to have kids themselves they react shocked.

I am good with kids and everyone tells me what a great mother I would be. That does not say anything, though, about your actual skills and desires in that area.

Obviously her plans differ from yours. And they may change too, over time. If you are stuck to your own plans then by all means.... pursue them. You would not be the first person to sacrifice only to find it leads to a lot of resentment. Best would be, of course, if you establish what gap there is and how to bridge that and still both be happy with the outcome....

Yes and yes to answer both of your questions.

We both met on the internet through a friend and realized we went to the same school, funny enough we had a lot of interests and could talk about anything and everything without a problem. It was about a year of talking off and on that she brought up the idea of becoming friends in real life as well, which worked out good since we went to the same school at the time. Anyways, from the beginning we have both always been open and up front about what we want out of life. I mean within the first month of dating we established that we would both like to have two kids someday down the road and we talked about how much it meant to both of us at the time.

In short, she's always known where I stand on everything, I'm not afraid to tell her up front if something is bothering me, and as soon as she's finished with her big exam tomorrow I'm going to be there to have a nice talk about all of this with her.

 

[Straight-8]

Sometimes it is just time to move on. You don't need a big fight or recriminations about what she 'promised' or you assumed. It is clear that your wants and needs and hers have grown apart. University years are often about figuring out what you really want for your future. The fact that she's changed her mind over time doesn't mean she's in the wrong.

Now it is time to face the fact that you've got different goals and say thanks for the good times and get on with your life. She mightta been the one - but she's not. If you handle it right you can stay friends and, if it circumstances change, re-connect later in life.

You won't be happy if you put your carreer on hold and wait around until you are thirty or so and find out this is not going where you want. Nor will she be happy to give up her career plans to have kids. If you blame her I hope for both of your sakes she's got the guts to dump you now and not to buckle!

 

[luvtofly]

Sometimes it is just time to move on. You don't need a big fight or recriminations about what she 'promised' or you assumed. It is clear that your wants and needs and hers have grown apart. University years are often about figuring out what you really want for your future. The fact that she's changed her mind over time doesn't mean she's in the wrong.

Now it is time to face the fact that you've got different goals and say thanks for the good times and get on with your life. She mightta been the one - but she's not. If you handle it right you can stay friends and, if it circumstances change, re-connect later in life.

You won't be happy if you put your carreer on hold and wait around until you are thirty or so and find out this is not going where you want. Nor will she be happy to give up her career plans to have kids. If you blame her I hope for both of your sakes she's got the guts to dump you now and not to buckle!

...see...my dilemma is that this is the girl, the one who is so special that I would give up all my hopes and dreams just to spend 5 minutes with her, even if it meant that in the end I would have a dead end job and go nowhere after those 5 minutes were up.

In the same respect she is the one who knows how important my hopes and dreams are for me, who instead of keeping me from them, will someday help me to reach them.

in short we will talk through things and figure out what each of us wants, and I can assure you that in the end we'll come out stronger for it in the end as individuals AND as a couple. It's just the time in between, the unknown....(plus I can be a little impatient about everything not just big things like this).

thanks for the thoughts....

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I remember the all consuming passion of my first love. Oh how right it felt and how very wrong I was! That's not to belittle your relationship but right now you feel like she's your whole world and you have to find a compromise because you just can't bear the thought of finishing it.

Right now you are 25 with your life ahead of you. When you are thirty, thirty-five, forty you will feel very different about the opportunities you had and what you could have done with them. How will you feel when you are thirty and have passed up your career and have no kids either?

There's no point blaming your girl for growing and changing her goals and priorities but what exactly makes them so much more important than yours? What is she sacrificing for the sake of your love? What compromises has she made?

Your girlfriend appears to be confident that you'll change your plans to suit hers and that worries me. Such a disparity of compromise will inevitably lead to resentment and heartache in the long term, regardless of how very much you love her today. If you were asking the same things of her would she do that for you? Because based on what you've said and I admit it's not a great deal of info, I doubt she would. That there is your problem.

This is not just about where you see yourself in the future. This is about how much give and take there is between you. If she loves and respects you, surely she sees that you've made significant sacrifices already?

 

[subwannabe]

You are definetly not in "Synche". I think you are making a very huge mistake by assuming that this will all eventually work out, that this is the girl for you, and that she feels you are the guy for her. I am willing to bet that the seeds are already planted in her head that you are not the right guy for her, long term. She wants her own career, with no kids in the forseeable future.

This is my crystal ball:

She will continue her education. You will continue doing what you are doing job wise and not being happy, living with your parents for the next five years and giving up forever the ability to fulfill your employment dreams. By the time you are ready to do what you want to do, the people who would have hired you five years ago no longer will. You will see her a limited amount of time and it will be very frustrating. Four to five years from now she will meet Mr. Right and feel really bad having to write you that dear John letter, explaining she didn't expect things to turn out the way they did and how sorry she is. She will live happily ever after. You will have resentment for the rest of your life, always wondering what that other timeline would have been like if you hadn't wasted those five years on something that eventually wound up blowing up in your face. You will very much regret not finding your Mrs. Right, getting married, doing a job you loved, and having that family you wanted so bad. You will eventually find someone else to love, get married, and live a fairly happy life with children, but you will always know that it could have been better and lasted longer if you hadn't wasted those years on the wrong person.

The future is not written yet and can be changed. I'm willing to bet that if you broke up with her, she wouldn't be devestated and may actually be relieved. I know this is really difficult but it would be a shame to have wasted all of those years when you knew right from the beginning that the two of you are traveling different paths that only intersect and then veer off in different directions for all of eternity. Good luck.

 

[Mansa Musa]

She doesn´t want kids, and she´s college educated? Dump her. When her biological clock starts clicking, if it ever does, you´ll become one of those posters blathering on about the costs of in-vitro fertilization and the like. Or, you´ll be the bitter poster who rages against the fact that your beautiful son is the product of a one-night stand, created after your wife decides that her inability to procreate at the age of 42 is "your fault". I may be jaded, but the Internet is full of stories of men who learn later in life that their children aren´t biologically theirs, and they´re the most annoying people on the planet. Given her level of education, it´s very likely that your intended bride is adamant about pursuing her chosen career, and that will lead to another decade of no pattering of little feet.

IOW, if you´re definitely in the mood to procreate, this woman isn´t for you.

 

[Straight-8]

...see...my dilemma is that this is the girl, the one who is so special that I would give up all my hopes and dreams just to spend 5 minutes with her, even if it meant that in the end I would have a dead end job and go nowhere after those 5 minutes were up.

No. Your dilemma is that you are out of touch with reality.

Either admit that you are a dishrag and will just go along with her on her terms for as long as she wants (which sounds like the version you accept - you just want to whine about it); or get some backbone, behave like a mature person (I almost said 'a man' but I know a lot of women who have a lot of spine) and get on with your life. She'll either respect you for it or it will be over - either is better than where you are going so far!

 

[SweetErika]

I remember the all consuming passion of my first love. Oh how right it felt and how very wrong I was! That's not to belittle your relationship but right now you feel like she's your whole world and you have to find a compromise because you just can't bear the thought of finishing it.

Right now you are 25 with your life ahead of you. When you are thirty, thirty-five, forty you will feel very different about the opportunities you had and what you could have done with them. How will you feel when you are thirty and have passed up your career and have no kids either?

There's no point blaming your girl for growing and changing her goals and priorities but what exactly makes them so much more important than yours? What is she sacrificing for the sake of your love? What compromises has she made?

Your girlfriend appears to be confident that you'll change your plans to suit hers and that worries me. Such a disparity of compromise will inevitably lead to resentment and heartache in the long term, regardless of how very much you love her today. If you were asking the same things of her would she do that for you? Because based on what you've said and I admit it's not a great deal of info, I doubt she would. That there is your problem.

This is not just about where you see yourself in the future. This is about how much give and take there is between you. If she loves and respects you, surely she sees that you've made significant sacrifices already?

Beautifully said, Velvet.

Luvtofly, I doubt this girl is the villain many are making her out to be, but I do think it's a mistake to a) commit yourself before you have all the information (you haven't even lived together for several years, and I doubt you've experienced enough of life to know you two can make it long term yet, for instance) and b) put most of your wants and needs on hold for a relationship that may or may not work out long term.

If you're smart, you'll take Velvet's advice to heart and find a compromise that will allow both of you to get your immediate and long-term needs and goals met. Doing so will probably involve some difficult things for both of you (e.g. moving to a new city), but if you're really that great of a match, it'll work out. And if it just so happens this isn't meant to work out in the long run, you can both move on without resentment over having given up your dreams. You'll both win either way.

 

[Ocheck]

doctoret = sugar mama... stay with her

 

[rvplymates]

That she is terrified to have children will never change. And your goals to have them will never be met, just as your goals for having a job in your field is at a stand still. To wait till your 30 to get the job of your dreams is not a good thing. As each year that you delay your goal means that others come out of college and get the spot that should be yours.

You said you and your girl have been together for a year. It would seem that you are doing all of the sacrificing, that doesn't spell love to me. As there should always be give and take between a couple, a partnership of sorts. Right now you’re doing the giving and she is doing the taking. Sounds harsh I know but to put your life on hold like your doing is not good. You need to get that job and if your relationship was meant to be, it will happen.

I believe when she finishes school she will want to work in her chosen profession. Then what, are you going to wait 5, 10, 15 years until all your opportunities disappear. It’s hard to say good-bye but unless things change between you two, I think that’s what you will have to do.

Sorry for being so blunt but you both need a wake up call.

 

[luvtofly]

Beautifully said, Velvet.

Luvtofly, I doubt this girl is the villain many are making her out to be, but I do think it's a mistake to a) commit yourself before you have all the information (you haven't even lived together for several years, and I doubt you've experienced enough of life to know you two can make it long term yet, for instance) and b) put most of your wants and needs on hold for a relationship that may or may not work out long term.

If you're smart, you'll take Velvet's advice to heart and find a compromise that will allow both of you to get your immediate and long-term needs and goals met. Doing so will probably involve some difficult things for both of you (e.g. moving to a new city), but if you're really that great of a match, it'll work out. And if it just so happens this isn't meant to work out in the long run, you can both move on without resentment over having given up your dreams. You'll both win either way.

Thank you for taking a moment to comment without pointing fingers, and for realizing that she really isn't that dreadful person nor that I am either.

Yes we have only been together for a year now, no we don't plan on getting married tomorrow, we're going to wait until she's finished with her college that way she doesn't have to sacrifice her education by taking time from studies to plan a wedding. (both of us want it this way). In the meantime when I do get a job where I can afford my own place to live she will more than likely either move in with me or spend the majority of her time at my place because we do see the importance of being able to live together before getting married.

on a new note, I went to see her again tonight and instead of going to a movie like we had planned we spent the 7 hours sitting in a park talking about what we both want out of life,and how we can help each other reach these goals . Turns out we both still share a lot of goals.

No it may not always be easy, but in the end I have faith that everything will work out. Even if it dare I say it? means that we aren't together in ten years. but I'm still willing to bet money that we will be and we'l both be very happy

 

[figure_it_out]

doctoret = sugar mama... stay with her

Umm...No.

Doctorates in many fields allow you to apply for jobs where there are at least five applicants for every available job.

Even if you do get a job, the starting pay is not high.

So, no, not a sugar mama.

 

[luvtofly]

Umm...No.

Doctorates in many fields allow you to apply for jobs where there are at least five applicants for every available job.

Even if you do get a job, the starting pay is not high.

So, no, not a sugar mama.

lol, no need to worry, I'm definately not with her for then money....in fact I hope to be able to provide for all of her needs to the point where she will not have to work but only when she wants to never forcing her to work to make car payments, etc....

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I should probably be sitting on my hands right now but I just can't help myself.

If you both plan for her not to work in a few years why is all this education so very important to her. If she's not going to spend years carving a career for herself why is yours on hold and not hers? She's already had a lot of study.

Your girl doesn't read like she has aspirations to be a stay at home mom. Are you sure that you're really on the same page?

 

[subwannabe]

I think Velvet is dead on right. I think both you and her are terrific people who are both in love and want it to work out, but, you are not on the same page, and the roads both of you are traveling only intersect during this time in your lives. What IS the purpose of her doing even more school when supposedly her career will not happen in the future? She must feel passionate about what she is taking, only to give it all up for you later? If she has absolutely no interest in having kids now, what makes you think she will in the future? I'm sorry but I have to stick with my original assessment. She will continue her passion going to college in a field she loves, the two of you will see each other and remain in love planning for the future, four or five years from now she will meet someone in her field and fall in love with him, she will proceed with her career which she realizes can't include kids at least in the short term, and you will get that dear John letter which she will feel really horrible writing, telling you about ten times how sorry she is about how it worked out the way it did and that it was totally unexpected. Everything she will say will be the truth but you will be left without a woman, living with your parents at 30 and having missed out on the opportunity to get the career and family you had wanted. By then most of the women you will date will already have their own children and may or may not want any more. Believe me, I know how much the two of you are in love now and want it to work out but you are the one taking the big gamble here, not her. I know you are willing to pay a huge price to have it all work out in the end but I don't believe you really understand the very strong possibility that you will pay a huge price and then find out that it didn't work out in the end.

 

[luvtofly]

Sometimes in life you have to be willing to go out on a limb, take a risk, dare to do something even if it means you might get hurt in the end.

I'm willing so don't worry about it.

 

[subwannabe]

Good luck. I was wrong once before, I think. I respect you for asking advice, making up your mind and sticking to it. It's really easy for us to just sit back and say, "Dump her". I'm not trying to say you are wrong and are a fool, I'm just saying that looking at it from our perspective and no emotions involved you are taking a big chance. I have certainly taken big chances in my life against others advice and I'd have to say that it worked out for me. I hope it does for you too.

 

[rvplymates]

I wish you both love and hope everything works out for you. Most important thing is to keep the avenues of communications open so you dont have to post here any more. Spinning your wheels makes everything a bit worse then it is, I should know, I held the world title on that little number at one time.