How to help a gay person be who they are, and be happy

[sidonie45]

So, I have a son who will turn 22 next month. I’m pretty sure he’s still a virgin, but thats neither here nor there.

What is the problem you might say? He is a great person, well mannered, don't drink or smoke, volunteers with the State Emergency Service, very good looking, and is looking for that someone, and I’m afraid that he wont be comfortable with any partner, no matter how nice they are.

He is 100 percent gay, though he keeps telling me he is bi, but he only dates guys, and that rarely. When he no longer sees them, its because they were being too ‘pushy’. I'm open to his sexuality, but his father is abhorrent to think his son is gay. My son will talk to me about who he likes and who he dislikes and the why of it, but its not a conversation he is willing to have with his father.

He said his friends know he is bi, but in our community, and other family members, he remains in the closet so to speak.

Has anyone been in this situation. I want him to be happy with who he is, then he can be happy with someone who he likes. Am I concerned over nothing?

 

[Bramblethorn]

He is 100 percent gay, though he keeps telling me he is bi, but he only dates guys, and that rarely. When he no longer sees them, its because they were being too ‘pushy’. I'm open to his sexuality, but his father is abhorrent to think his son is gay. My son will talk to me about who he likes and who he dislikes and the why of it, but its not a conversation he is willing to have with his father.

He said his friends know he is bi, but in our community, and other family members, he remains in the closet so to speak.

Has anyone been in this situation. I want him to be happy with who he is, then he can be happy with someone who he likes. Am I concerned over nothing?

Are you sure that he's not happy with who he is?

There's a lot to be said for being out. I've been in a couple of closeted poly relationships (mostly by the other partner's preference) and it certainly can create tensions.

But the popular idea that accepting oneself means being out to the whole world... I think that's a bit of a myth. Somebody can be completely comfortable with themselves and their preferences, and still make a pragmatic decision not to be out to everybody in their life. When my mother was dying, I made the decision not to come out to her as poly; I loved her, but I also knew she'd freak out about it, and that would just have made both of us upset for no good reason. At 22 he's quite likely figuring out a lot of this stuff for himself, and working through decisions about who he can and can't trust.

My partner's kid is a similar age to yours, and it's a tough age to parent - often you have to watch them make mistakes with their newly-gained independence, because making mistakes is how they learn things.

One thing you could do is ask him whether he is unhappy about not being out to your community (perhaps he just doesn't feel like he needs their validation, if he's got friends who accept him?) or his father. By all means let him know that you're there for him, but unless he asks you for help with these issues, I think you have to sit back and let him deal as he chooses.

 

[2wayroad]

He has to live with who he is. It's great that you two can talk and that you accept him as is. However, HE has to live in your small town and will be the one who feels the judgement of others. I can not stress how important it is for you to let him be the one who outs himself. Don't take his emotional load on yourself. Just be there for him.

Perhaps he wants a family, kids and all that. If that's the case he MUST be upfront with any woman he enters a relationship with. There are women out there who would be very accepting of that. If he is in fact gay, let him come to terms with it. Just be there for him. I wish I had been more honest with myself at his age. But in my time and place, things were very much different.

 

[4215]

Acceptance

So, I have a son who will turn 22 next month. I’m pretty sure he’s still a virgin, but thats neither here nor there.

What is the problem you might say? He is a great person, well mannered, don't drink or smoke, volunteers with the State Emergency Service, very good looking, and is looking for that someone, and I’m afraid that he wont be comfortable with any partner, no matter how nice they are.

He is 100 percent gay, though he keeps telling me he is bi, but he only dates guys, and that rarely. When he no longer sees them, its because they were being too ‘pushy’. I'm open to his sexuality, but his father is abhorrent to think his son is gay. My son will talk to me about who he likes and who he dislikes and the why of it, but its not a conversation he is willing to have with his father.

He said his friends know he is bi, but in our community, and other family members, he remains in the closet so to speak.

Has anyone been in this situation. I want him to be happy with who he is, then he can be happy with someone who he likes. Am I concerned over nothing?

I have a good friend , a very macho plumber , a mans man who, twelve years ago realised his son was gay . The majority of his friends and his family had been observing this young man for many years ( he is now 32) . Rob took me to one side one evening and told me apprehensively his son was gay .
The crux of our conversation was that no matter what , his son would always be his son , if he supported a different footy team , was a better fisherman , better plumber or was gay that would never change . We, Robs friends and his family accepted the young chap and had done for years and unless he wanted to lose him he better do so as well
Both are now more than happy , the young man has a partner, and because of the love and support given by all he didn't have to go through the trauma of " coming out " with a dramatic announcement .
Encourage your husband that acceptance is a better alternative to total loss the rest will cease to be an issue , people are more forgiving than one might imagine .