How to get over

[bailadora]

Considering the fact that OPs almost never return to the thread, or if they do, they don't specifically comment on anything, I don't have any way of knowing anything besides a couple lines of text.

I agree with you here. That said, you seem to be a pretty intelligent guy and how you could read Hera's first post and not conclude that her core values are wildly divergent from yours is beyond my comprehension. And in light of that, fail to understand how the advice you gave was and is totally inappropriate (in my opinion) for HER given situation.

It's obvious you don't agree with me and I'm fine with that. Thanks for debating the point with me in a civil manner. I certainly hope that you don't feel as if I'd made personal attacks regarding you and your lifestyle.

 

[infinity706]

I'm not mad at you at all. I still don't see how my advice was inappropriate, though. It's not like she'd have to follow it any more than anyone else's advice. As far as I'm concerned, having more options available is a good thing. For all we know, she might even think the other woman is hot as hell and is also jealous that she probably won't get to fuck her. I've seen the very same thing happen a couple times within the last 6 months. It's especially common if woman in question is significantly younger and skinnier to the point that she feels the other woman would be out of her league. People tell me about things like that, though, because I'm such a freak they're not worried about sounding weird. One time I even had to deal with 2 female friends that were both checking each other out, every time the other's back was turned. We're talking standing over your friend's shoulder and ogling her tits while you're "reading" the book in her hands. They were both terrified that the other might be straight, though.

In no case will we get the whole story on anything. I partly have a different perspective, though, because I get to know things people won't tell their other friends. Assuming you had a friend in a situation like that, do you think they'd be honest enough with you to admit they'd love to fuck the person they're worried their partner might cheat with?

 

[fallenhera]

Oh my...
C'mon Hera... For sure...
Getting rid of the phone is like banning every opportunity for misbehaviour. But the temptation doesn't stop to exist without the easy way to stumble over it.
And the whole 'apologetic cuddling' thing is nothing more than that. It's not constructive in any way.

How much apologies are sufficient? Won#t they all remind you on what has happened? And will your really reach a point where he has apologized enough and can stop to pamper you this way?
Or will you get used to it and think there's another lie in the vicinity when he stops being around you like a bee on the coffee table is around the cake?

The 'mature' way is to acknowledge that there has been done somthing against the appointed rules of your relationshp. For both of you.
Try to find out together how this happened and how to avoid any repetition of the event.

i wouldnt go as far as the phone thing.. but not always being on it would help.. me not to think who is he talking to? And the cuddling ewould help me emotionally when I am crying he can come up and say im sorry I hurt you babe. Or doing something to show me how bad he feels would help, to understand wether he was sorry or not.

 

[Kojote]

i wouldnt go as far as the phone thing.. but not always being on it would help.. me not to think who is he talking to? And the cuddling ewould help me emotionally when I am crying he can come up and say im sorry I hurt you babe. Or doing something to show me how bad he feels would help, to understand wether he was sorry or not.

That sounds different from totally agreeing DefiantOne and for me that’s fortunately so.
You are right with this phone thing. And you should tell him that. Tell him exactly why it is a problem right now like you told me here. Should be a line even men understand...
And for the cuddling you should do the same. Especially since it is far more than an apology. Things to build up your bond again are for sure important now.

Oh, I agree with you that jealousy is an ugly and destructive thing. But determining what level of that emotion is acceptable within any given relationship is subjective because our experiences are all different.

As I read your account of your relationship with your GF, I thought, "Wow, K sure has a lot of patience." I'm pretty sure I could not have put up that level of distrust for that long. By the same token, some people might look at my tolerance level and think "fuck that - no way I could ever live with that." And that's ok. The important thing is communication. Discuss what you are and are not willing to live with, tolerate or accept and set mutually agreed upon boundaries. Then KEEP your promise. If you know you aren't going to be able to meet the agreed upon expectation(s), DON'T agree to it (them) in the first place. Or, if you initially agree, but later decide it's just not working for you, then be honest enough to discuss it with your partner rather than sneak around doing something you know is going to damage their trust in you. It's called integrity.

I’m not that patient most of the time. But I understood where it came from. And that helped.
It wasn’t a huge level of mistrust, though. It was more like hidden fears and worries of being ‘not enough’ and stuff. The trust issue only came up every once in a while until she understood what you named here in short words: That I will keep the promise to be honest if there is something. That I agreed on terms that are not the ones I would have chosen if asked to define my favorites. But that this was okay with me.
Took until the day I had to tell her that there was somebody who caught my attention and endangered our relationship. And when she finally understood things changed and… well… She won easily. So to say. It’s not the topic so this should suffice…

Anyway…
I also call that integrity.

I don't know if there is a German equivalent, but in English, there is a saying - "Actions speak louder than words." Meaning, what you SAY is not nearly as important as what you DO. If your actions don't support your words, then what is said holds little to no value. I suspect that's where the OP is at this point in time. It's not so much about the apologies, it's about what he actively does from here on out to regain her trust.

There is. This time almost exactly translatable word by word.
And in a way what you say here is part of what I meant then. But then again there is only so much one can do.
It’s almost impossible to do something to regain lost trust immediately. At first everything will be viewed at least skeptically. So words are the beginning.
But on the other hand rebuilding trust takes time. Period. And when he has to change his complete behavior to prove his commitment to her the thing will likely don’t work out. For sure there are a couple of things that will have to be changed. But the kind of extreme DefiantOne liked to portrait would rather soon start to feel… strange?
Think about it and what you would think if you were in the situation and the guy would start to act that way.

Oh, I'm sure it's abundantly clear that lines have been crossed. What's yet to be determined is exactly what he needs to do to repair the damage he has done and if he's willing to put in the effort. While I personally wouldn't demand he stop using a cell phone, I most certainly would insist he delete all prior communication with the other woman, delete all of her contact information and then block HER ability to contact HIM. I would also claim the right to randomly check his communications, without prior notice.

But hey, that's just me. It's not MY relationship. The only ones who can determine what constitutes "appropriate" measures are Hera and her boyfriend.

Determined is a word I like here. It implies communication between the two of them. That they talk about what went wrong and how can it get repaired.
Personally I highly doubt that there will be the kind of really open, honest talking I personally prefer. But any kind of communication won’t hurt at the moment.

Otherwise I again tend to agree with infinity: We don’t know exactly what’s in Heras head. The whole thing seems to be cliché. But is it?
She’s got to find out that and act appropriately. And the kind of advice infinity gave takes that into account. Some other posts didn’t. They just picked up the line that the OP’s friend and he alone did anything to let this happen. Which we don’t know.

 

[fallenhera]

i would say jealousy of her came into play, or even jealousy at all came into play. More hurt and anger and a little "oh no you didnt" He knew my past and that I had trust and insecurity issues. We had normal couple problems never anything big, just the little things I guess that adds up. Our past still haunt us. With having a mundane life, he felt the need to feel "wanted" even though I find him irresistable and try to have sex with him a lot. Maybe he wasnt used to being treated the way I treat him, I dont know. He claims I was respecting or believing his words caused I always was questioning his love for me. I admit Im maladaptive I worry and overly cautious, I am scared of being hurt again. But I dont not feel as if he should have been seeking out another woman and instead should have talked to me about these things... I am a firm believer in an Open honest relationship. And I also understand human nature and instincts. It natural to want others to want you, or to even want others. Had he talked to me about this subject maybe he would find out Im not scared of the sex Im scared of losing his love.. his commitment to me.. to our family. Also he had expressed he will not tolerate any form of cheating from me...If he wasnt the only one I was out the dorr, Men cannot be like this if you want to play so DO I! I can keep love from forming with the other person cause I love you and want to stay only with you, we have a bond, and friendship. History. And no this other girl wasnt not my type plus I like my women to have integrity, she is a bimbo she knew about me and him and she even had a BF of her own. I love this guy very much andif he says he will stop I will believe him just this one time.

 

[Maxell46]

WTF?

Surprised no one has called you what you come off as: massive douchebag.

I'm not mad at you at all. I still don't see how my advice was inappropriate, though. It's not like she'd have to follow it any more than anyone else's advice. As far as I'm concerned, having more options available is a good thing. For all we know, she might even think the other woman is hot as hell and is also jealous that she probably won't get to fuck her. I've seen the very same thing happen a couple times within the last 6 months. It's especially common if woman in question is significantly younger and skinnier to the point that she feels the other woman would be out of her league. People tell me about things like that, though, because I'm such a freak they're not worried about sounding weird. One time I even had to deal with 2 female friends that were both checking each other out, every time the other's back was turned. We're talking standing over your friend's shoulder and ogling her tits while you're "reading" the book in her hands. They were both terrified that the other might be straight, though.

In no case will we get the whole story on anything. I partly have a different perspective, though, because I get to know things people won't tell their other friends. Assuming you had a friend in a situation like that, do you think they'd be honest enough with you to admit they'd love to fuck the person they're worried their partner might cheat with?

 

[Kojote]

i would say jealousy of her came into play, or even jealousy at all came into play. More hurt and anger and a little "oh no you didnt" He knew my past and that I had trust and insecurity issues. We had normal couple problems never anything big, just the little things I guess that adds up. Our past still haunt us. With having a mundane life, he felt the need to feel "wanted" even though I find him irresistable and try to have sex with him a lot. Maybe he wasnt used to being treated the way I treat him, I dont know. He claims I was respecting or believing his words caused I always was questioning his love for me. I admit Im maladaptive I worry and overly cautious, I am scared of being hurt again. But I dont not feel as if he should have been seeking out another woman and instead should have talked to me about these things... I am a firm believer in an Open honest relationship. And I also understand human nature and instincts. It natural to want others to want you, or to even want others. Had he talked to me about this subject maybe he would find out Im not scared of the sex Im scared of losing his love.. his commitment to me.. to our family. Also he had expressed he will not tolerate any form of cheating from me...If he wasnt the only one I was out the dorr, Men cannot be like this if you want to play so DO I! I can keep love from forming with the other person cause I love you and want to stay only with you, we have a bond, and friendship. History. And no this other girl wasnt not my type plus I like my women to have integrity, she is a bimbo she knew about me and him and she even had a BF of her own. I love this guy very much andif he says he will stop I will believe him just this one time.

What you tell here only leads me to think again over what I tried to say in the first place.
The likelihood of a real change in personality just by being caught is not that high. So his craving for feeling wanted won't be gone by now.
But if it is this alone such things can get satiated without cheating or even any secrecy. With your help.
You can go out with him and even assist him with an occasional flirt to bolster his ego.
The point with this is that it happens when you are there to see it. So no secrets anymore and he shouldn’t be ‘allowed’ to do it without you.

Question is if this conflicts with your insecurity issues?
Not a question (for me) is if he ‘deserves’ it. If it really is some kind of insecurity issue by himself that he needs this kind of ego boost the problem will remain if not handled one way or another.
So think of it as one possible workaround.