How to get over swallowing fear - How do you push past limits?

[MsRoseEvans]

This probably belongs in the "How to" section, but since it focuses around limits I thought I would post it here. I'm hoping someone can help me.

I have never been able to get my partner off orally. More to the point I can't finish him off orally.

When I was a lot younger I was abused, and as a result of this when the moment arrives I kinda go into panic mode and back off - having to finish by hand. On one occasion when I was made a conscientious effort to go all the way, I ended up crying and freaking out, which of course completely ruined the mood. My hubby is very understanding and in no way wants to force me into it as he knows all about my past and why it affects me so badly, but at the same time I know it is something he would really like me to be able to do.

So I'm looking for help. Does anyone have any tips they can share? I really do want to be able to do this for him. As a submissive, it hurts me that I am unable to do something for my man. Fellow submissives - how do you get past your limits when it's something your Master/Mistress really wants from you? And Masters/Mistresses - how do you feel when a sub can't/won't give you something you really want, and what do you do to "encourage" your sub to do these things?

Thank you for your time, I appreciate any help offered.

 

[eastern sun]

This probably belongs in the "How to" section, but since it focuses around limits I thought I would post it here. I'm hoping someone can help me.

I have never been able to get my partner off orally. More to the point I can't finish him off orally.

When I was a lot younger I was abused, and as a result of this when the moment arrives I kinda go into panic mode and back off - having to finish by hand. On one occasion when I was made a conscientious effort to go all the way, I ended up crying and freaking out, which of course completely ruined the mood. My hubby is very understanding and in no way wants to force me into it as he knows all about my past and why it affects me so badly, but at the same time I know it is something he would really like me to be able to do.

So I'm looking for help. Does anyone have any tips they can share? I really do want to be able to do this for him. As a submissive, it hurts me that I am unable to do something for my man. Fellow submissives - how do you get past your limits when it's something your Master/Mistress really wants from you? And Masters/Mistresses - how do you feel when a sub can't/won't give you something you really want, and what do you do to "encourage" your sub to do these things?

Thank you for your time, I appreciate any help offered.

Without knowing you, I don't really know if this will help. Use your judgement.

But since you have a supportive partner, I would go ahead, finish him off, and let yourself have whatever reaction you have. In time, with these different circumstances, your emotional response to his impending climax will probably change. That has been my experience.

I've never been to therapy, and have instead worked through my "issues" with people I trust. In my opinion, it's essentially the same thing if the person you're with is not frightened by your response.

There are a few things my husband won't do because he does not want to experience my reaction to it. (And, it's true, my reactions - rooted in childhood experiences - are completely out of proportion to the circumstances.) Yet, even in these areas, we are discovering that my reactions are changing in time. I am able to do some things today that were literally unthinkable for me twenty years ago.

Time. And patience. And a trusting relationship.

(In fact, I am going to say something completely batshit crazy now . . . . Let the reader beware . . . I have watched people talk around issues for years in therapy without making any progress. And rationalized my own behavior as a "learn while doing" therapeutic process. Admittedly, I do have a great partner.)

 

[MsRoseEvans]

Thank you very much for your advice - I appreciate it more than you can know.

I guess one of the problems is that having someone burst into tears while going down on you is somewhat distracting to say the least. While I know he would be supportive, I don't know if he would be able to continue if I was having a panic attack. I guess another problem is that I know that I've failed before and will probably fail again and I hate to disappoint him. I feel like such a tease to get him all going and then have to switch-out because of flash-back from a time in my life I wish I could forget, especially in that setting.

I have successfully gotten through the expirence with him wearing a condom, and while I really don't like doing this either, it seems to be a compromise that we can both work on in the interim. Is that the best way to handle it though? Part of me feels that I just need to be forced to do it and get over it, the other part of me wants to be supported through the process.

Your relationship with your husband sounds so wonderful, I'm very happy for you to have such a supportive partner. And I agree, therapy doesn't do half as much as chatting to a close friend, as long as you are being completely honest, and just jumping in and facing your fears.

 

[eastern sun]

Thank you very much for your advice - I appreciate it more than you can know.

I guess one of the problems is that having someone burst into tears while going down on you is somewhat distracting to say the least. While I know he would be supportive, I don't know if he would be able to continue if I was having a panic attack. I guess another problem is that I know that I've failed before and will probably fail again and I hate to disappoint him. I feel like such a tease to get him all going and then have to switch-out because of flash-back from a time in my life I wish I could forget, especially in that setting.

I have successfully gotten through the expirence with him wearing a condom, and while I really don't like doing this either, it seems to be a compromise that we can both work on in the interim. Is that the best way to handle it though? Part of me feels that I just need to be forced to do it and get over it, the other part of me wants to be supported through the process.

Your relationship with your husband sounds so wonderful, I'm very happy for you to have such a supportive partner. And I agree, therapy doesn't do half as much as chatting to a close friend, as long as you are being completely honest, and just jumping in and facing your fears.

It's much more complicated, I think, then just chatting to a close friend - and then jumping in. (Though friendship goes a long way . . . don't get me wrong.)

You have to be willing to give everything you actually are to your husband. Which includes your history, your emotional reactions, your limits, your reality. We get this idea that we're somehow supposed to perform like a porn star - at least, I did - and are disappointed when we fall short. Remember, porn stars are often faking it anyway. And in the best porn I watch, people end up crying all the time. You can't worry about killing the mood if you're actually going to work through the panic.

If you talk to your husband about what you want to do, and he's supportive of it, he might be willing to help you. By holding you while you freak out. Letting you know, in no uncertain terms, that you are safe. Maybe, by letting you off the hook (because I'm guessing that when you were young you weren't really given the choice) or giving you the power to choose. Sometimes just taking that moment to decide to continue can make a huge difference psychologically.

How long have you been married?

 

[catalina_francisco]

I have in recent times had difficulty with some of our former favourite activities due to events unrelated to my Master or his behaviour, but still impacting on both of us. The impact has resulted in massive panic attacks, hysteria, and a lot of emotional and psychological pain for both of us if we even thought about trying those activities again. The solution for us has been patience, reinforcing trust on both sides, support for each other, lots of talking (repeatedly), and my going to therapy for other issues which ultimately included the ones which lead us to this unfortunate place.

It is not something which can be 'fixed' overnight, nor is it easy to go through the process, but it is worth it long term. F has been incredibly understanding and supportive, and has made sure he does not pressure me or make me feel guilty. Some days are better than others, but we are moving toward being more in the place we were than we have been for awhile, and it has been a process through which we have both grown. I won't lie and say everything is perfect yet, but since I took the pressure off myself to fix this, and actually began addressing the issues at hand and how they impacted on me, I can see and feel myself getting back to where we both want me to be. Sounds like you are as fortunate as I am to have a partner who loves you enough to honestly allow you the time and space you need to work through everything. I would suggest trying therapy and being open to where it takes you as it can make what seemed impossible to move beyond, just perhaps a little more possible than previously was so. Unfortunately, wanting things to be different is only the beginning, accepting and taking realistic and unpressured action to make it so is what gets you there.

Catalina

 

[subwannabe]

Hmmmmmmmmmm. This seems a little weird to me so I really don't know what to say. It's hard to help someone who's brain has been rewired due to a traumatic event or events but I am somewhat perplexed by how you could go through that and now label yourself as a submissive. I do know that sometimes events such as you experienced take away your self esteem and sometimes that can lead to submissive behavior but then that makes it hard to explain why you can't go "all the way", so to speak. Have you ever had therapy? I think 90% of these people are just worthless crocks but the other 10% (if you can find them) may definetly be able to help you. Good luck.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I was going to suggest using a condom

Suppose you tried sucking him bare, and then putting the condom on when you felt you needed to?

That could be a very sexy moment for him, in fact, signalling your intention to bring him to climax. Make it a positive, rather than an admission of defeat.

Get used to the way he cums in your mouth without the cum actually being in your mouth.

Maybe-- Don't try to push yourself for a while. Be kind to yourself. Tell yourself "We'll see how it goes" rather than try to enforce a time frame.

 

[YourCaptor]

I'd say play with it.

Get him to come on your hands or boobs or whatever, smear it around, lick it up, etc. Get use to it and work your way up.

 

[kellyz_craic]

I'd say play with it.

Get him to come on your hands or boobs or whatever, smear it around, lick it up, etc. Get use to it and work your way up.

Or if it's the consistency and taste in your mouth that's the problem, maybe get him to give you a facial (mouth and eyes closed obviously) to get have contact with it and serve him in a way that you can handle.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Or if it's the consistency and taste in your mouth that's the problem, maybe get him to give you a facial (mouth and eyes closed obviously) to get have contact with it and serve him in a way that you can handle.

I'm betting that would be triggering, kellyz. The problem here is prior abuse. She starts panicking before the point, by what I read.

Face is way too vulnerable for many people, even for some who were never abused.

 

[MsRoseEvans]

Firstly I would like to thank everyone for their feedback on this issue. It's nice to have some outside options on the matter - you are all so nice

To clarify a bit more, the main problem I have is with the whole shooting in my mouth part; having liquid forced in my mouth sporadically, having no control over it and have no idea when to expect it. It's that sensation and situation that my mind just rebels against. The taste and the smell also bring up unpleasant memories, but I am working on these issues separately. I recently started taking him back into my mouth after the bulk of the cum has been wiped away with tissues and gently cleaning him, and on another occasion I asked him to feed me some while I masturbated. I didn't like it, but I'm sure I can get used to it. He has come on my face a couple of times (accidentally and deliberately). Again I don't really like it, but I can deal with it. From what everyone has been saying I think I need to do more of these sorts of things until I am comfortable with them, and then progress from there.

I should perhaps explain that I am still very young in the grand scheme of things, only 23 years old, and I was a child when this all happened to me. I have already made significant steps to get to where I am today, and can participate in any sexual activity without issue, except this. I realise that in time I will get better at this, but I have to be willing to take the steps to make it happen. Talking to all of you and getting advice is one of those steps, so thank you all for your support.

@subwannabe
"I am somewhat perplexed by how you could go through that and now label yourself as a submissive."

It's sort of off topic but I wanted to answer anyway. The difference is that I choose to submit to my husband. I did not choose what happened to me. For me there's a big difference between being taken forcefully, and allowing myself to be taken forcefully. Submission is about trust, and I trust my husband completely. I class myself as a sub because I'm into a lot of the aspects of BDSM from the receiving point of view. While the abuse I suffered has certainly impacted on my self-esteem, and cannot rule out the possibility that the event has made me submissive, I prefer to believe that this is who I would have been if the incident hadn't happened. I don't like the idea that one event that was forced upon me has dictated how I live my life.

@eastern sun
"How long have you been married?"

Married for a bit over 2 years, but have been with my partner over 8 years. We were high school sweethearts. We are both mature for our age, but for two people as young as we are I think we are doing okay with dealing with my issues.

 

[ownedsubgal]

To clarify a bit more, the main problem I have is with the whole shooting in my mouth part; having liquid forced in my mouth sporadically, having no control over it and have no idea when to expect it. It's that sensation and situation that my mind just rebels against.

well then the solution to your issue may be easier than you realize. simply bypass your mouth altogether: when he is close, go deep and his cum should go straight down your throat...you will never taste it, feel it, smell it. the first time i swallowed i actually had no idea i had done so, it was just that deep and just that natural. i would also advise placing yourself in a meditative state while sucking cock, where your singular focus is pleasing the cock (you can even leave the individual man himself out of this for now), however it indicates to you that it needs to be pleased. let all other thoughts/emotions fade away to nothing. if you succeed at this, you will have no idea when or how the physical release of the cock takes place, nor will you care.

 

[Stella_Omega]

1) he can tell you when he's about to shoot off. In a voice quivering in ecstasy, even. tell him there's nothing like the sound of him happy to impell you to want to make him even happier!

2) There are ways for him to alter the taste of his semen, although I don't have any links for that at the moment-- maybe you can do some Googling on the subject?

3) ownedsubgirl knows what she's talking about

 

[MsRoseEvans]

Thank you both, I shall give this a try. I haven't been able to deep throat him successfully yet, (he's rather big and my mouth is a bit small) but that's something else I can work towards. I had actually aready discussed with him not too long ago that I wanted more practice to see if I could deep throat him, and he seemed willing to put up with as many practice sessions as I needed

I'm feeling very optimistic about the whole thing now, I'm feel that maybe I can do this, where before it seemed an impossible roadblock. Thank you all

 

[catalina_francisco]

Deep throating is a lot easier if you lay on your back with your head hanging down over the edge of a bed, table, whatever...especially when size is involved.

Catalina

 

[MsRoseEvans]

Thank you for the tip! I actually went out and bought myself a dildo a few hours ago that isn't as long as him but I thought would be good to practice on and find out which position is easiest. Sounds like you've saved me from some awkward positions - Thank you!

 

[EpicureanCynic]

Deep throating is a lot easier if you lay on your back with your head hanging down over the edge of a bed, table, whatever...especially when size is involved.

Catalina

That might work as long as you are okay with him being in control of the speed and depth of the thrusts. From what you have said about his being sensitive to you, it doesn't seem to be like you would have issue with that.

I have found that it is easier for my girlfriend to go deeper on me if I am on my back and she sort of comes at it from the north? That probably didn't make sense. Umm, I suppose, the angle from standard 69 position is what I'm talking about. Another is for him to be on his knees and you kneel in front of him Although this one might pain your neck after a bit.

The key is making sure he enters at an angle that doesn't quickly hit the roof (soft palette) of your mouth. The standard BJ position of a guy on his back and a girl down between his legs may be the worst if your goal is depth.

 

[knot_sweet]

I'm going to second eastern sun here...

I recently (and very recently at that) made it over a very personal hurdle with M.

Basically, He just did it, let me freak out when he did it, then nurtured me past the crying and shivering and flinching.

It took a while for me to come back from the scared and freaked and black place, but He was right there the whole way.

Seeing His face when I finally made it back made it worth it.

I won't go into too many details. It's very hard to explain the emotional aspect of the 'making it better" part.

I can in all honesty say...I've never felt closer to Him than after that day.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Basically, He just did it, let me freak out when he did it, then nurtured me past the crying and shivering and flinching.

It is good it worked for you, but for some people, especially those with very deep issues, it can be the very worst way of dealing which can take years to recover from, if ever and end the relationship as well as any hope of trusting again.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

I'd say play with it.

Get him to come on your hands or boobs or whatever, smear it around, lick it up, etc. Get use to it and work your way up.

This is good advice.

When a guy has an aversion to doing what I want him to do with his output, I provide better and better incentives and amp up the parts of the situation that *are* hot.

Of course "aversion" versus full on traumatic flashbacks are two different things.

 

[Netzach]

It is good it worked for you, but for some people, especially those with very deep issues, it can be the very worst way of dealing which can take years to recover from, if ever and end the relationship as well as any hope of trusting again.

Catalina

Yeah, these are track odds that people need to realize are track odds. I've never liked betting much - and the more I care about someone the LESS I like to wager.