how to get over someone

[blarneyroan]

I am a married woman with kids. Before I met my husband I dated a woman and we had a very intense relationship for years. I still think about her every day and talk to her often as friends. I love my husband but I just can't let her go. How do people deal with this? I just cant get over her and I don't know what it means. Does it mean I am gay? Or that I just can't get over this one particular relationship and since I love my husband it means I am bisexual? Or am I confused? I am really fucked up over this and just lost. I look at my kids and husband every day and think about how much I love them but how much I love her too. It's messing with my sanity.

 

[viper2000]

Maybe seek a therapist of something like that someone on the outside with expertise in these types of things.

 

[fuckmeat]

You're bisexual I'd say. The reason you can't move on is because no man is capable of replacing this woman in your affections. I say this as someone who has been in that psychological thumbscrew, though admittedly without marriage or kids on the line. There must be valid reasons why you broke up. Has this woman moved on with her life and met someone else? If she has it really is time for you to start finding a way to let go. It may be that you need not to socialise with her until you've had the space to work through your feelings. It may be that you need some kind of bisexual element to your lovelife in order to be content as a hetero spouse.

Having said that, if you decide you need a woman in your life on the side somehow and your husband consents to that, for the love of God don't try to make this woman a casual playmate. Your feelings for her are way too strong, non-reciprocated and if she has her own primary relationship it would be even stupider of you to risk your marriage like that.

viper's right, sex therapy of some kind would really help you.

 

[blarneyroan]

Thank you for these replies.

No, she has not moved on. We broke up because she didn't know what she wanted, was unstable and broke my trust several times by disappearing on me and sleeping with men. I called it to an end very (VERY) reluctantly only after she screwed me over so bad nobody in their right mind would even speak to her anymore. But I always forgive her. I don't know why. I just love her so much.

Now that she has grown up and realized what she threw away with me she wants it back. The problem is I moved on and got married and had kids in the meantime. Now she is back in my life as a friend and actively trying to lure me away from my husband. And I am finding myself totally infatuated with her all over again and thinking and dreaming about her all the time. I don't understand it and I am really freaked out about it. It's such a mindfuck.

 

[brigel]

Have you spoken to your husband about it?

 

[silverwhisper]

you used to be together, she completely spit on your trust multiple times, it's now been a couple of years at last (you've gotten married & had more than one kid)...and now you don't know what to do?

it sounds to me like you never made peace with having to end that relationship when you did. and it sounds to me like you don't want to take away her hope that there will ever be such a relationship again.

i hate to say it, but that those are both things you need to do for yourself if, as the thread title says, you want to get over her.

i would suggest:

1. talk with your husband. do it when the kids are asleep/at someone else's for the night. if he doesn't know about this relationship, you probably should tell him.

2. mourn that relationship. i have trouble believing that you did before.

3. this woman from your past constitutes a threat to your relationship with your husband. treat her accordingly. how would you feel if your husband had a former flame pop back into his life and he didn't tell you about it?

ed

 

[Mac98]

I don't wanna' judge without knowing the person first, but it seems to me like your ex-girlfriend is a real manipulator. I think it's wrong of her to try and lure you away from your husband. She had her chance and she blew it, she can't keep mind-fucking you like that. It's wrong. WRONG! (sorry!)

I sincerely believe, if she's the type of person I think she is, that you should stay away from her. She's doing this purposely and it's creating such confusion and pain to innocent, old you! That's not fair. Manipulators are extremely good at what they do. Just beware.

 

[fuckmeat]

I don't wanna' judge without knowing the person first, but it seems to me like your ex-girlfriend is a real manipulator. I think it's wrong of her to try and lure you away from your husband. She had her chance and she blew it, she can't keep mind-fucking you like that. It's wrong. WRONG! (sorry!)

I sincerely believe, if she's the type of person I think she is, that you should stay away from her. She's doing this purposely and it's creating such confusion and pain to innocent, old you! That's not fair. Manipulators are extremely good at what they do. Just beware.

3. this woman from your past constitutes a threat to your relationship with your husband. treat her accordingly. how would you feel if your husband had a former flame pop back into his life and he didn't tell you about it?

Agreed.

At the very least she's being very selfish, which means she probably still lacks maturity. The fact that she is female does not excuse her behaviour. She is trying to lure a married mother away from her family, a woman who she has betrayed and let down in the past. If she was male you'd consider her to be a total asshole, right? Does she have any degree of concern for your kids' welfare? I'll bet she has no plans to become a step parent. Marriage break-up is traumatic for kids even without the issues that your bisexuality would cause.

I think you know in your heart that this woman is bad for you. She's no doubt getting a thrill out of re-igniting this old flame but you stand a real chance of losing everything and gaining nothing here. Your marriage could break up and she could flit off with some guy. Don't get caught into the seductive trap of thinking that if you make a grand sacrifice to be with her and leave your family, she will love and respect you more or be less likely to cheat on you. She's encouraging you to deceive your husband and disregard your marital vows and parental responsibilities.

You are irrationally emotionally vulnerable where this woman is concerned and I think she's exploiting that. I strongly urge you to get her out of your life. Irrespective of how your marriage is faring and whether or not your bisexuality will continue to be an issue, this woman is predatory, deceitful and feckless. Regardless of the guilt you harbour over your feelings for her, you deserve better.

You didn't get closure last time so get it now. Take the steps required to remove this woman from your life. And I think you need to discuss this with your husband on some level because if you were content as a hetero spouse this woman would not have reeled you back in so easily. By rights you should have been livid with her when she popped out of the woodwork. Sit down and remind yourself of everything she put you through, then ask yourself how you'd cope with divorce and your kids while she put you through it all again. Bottom line; she is so not worth it and does not deserve you.

 

[latecaller67]

You are going to lose something.

Think carefully about which you are willing to sacrifice.

Then act with conviction.

( Ideally to cut this woman from your life like a cancer, but I don't judge. )

She will cheat again, why wouldn't she? If you leave a family for her what wouldn't you do to have her back? She will own you and know it. You will be unhappy until you die. Probably. I know I would be in that situation.

Remember, trying to keep her as a friend is choosing to continue this betrayal of your husband and family. Betrayal is exactly what it is, don't lie to yourself. You should have resolved this before you let him put a ring on your finger. I wouldn't tell him about it unless I needed to, it will just hurt him. The only good to come of that would be you feeling better.

I suggest building happiness with the blocks you have instead of letting a selfish piece of your past throw it all away.

If your marriage fails on its own that is different, but it doesn't sound like you have given this life a fair chance to make you happy. Once this old flame is gone you might remember why you got married and had a family in the first place! At the very least, once you have your head cleared you can really make some decisions about yourself. If you need to tweak your marriage, don't do it while you are confused and upset. Your sexuality is just a label, this is your life and it happens one decision at a time.

 

[cryforme1v]

Thank you for these replies.

No, she has not moved on. We broke up because she didn't know what she wanted, was unstable and broke my trust several times by disappearing on me and sleeping with men. I called it to an end very (VERY) reluctantly only after she screwed me over so bad nobody in their right mind would even speak to her anymore. But I always forgive her. I don't know why. I just love her so much.

Now that she has grown up and realized what she threw away with me she wants it back. The problem is I moved on and got married and had kids in the meantime. Now she is back in my life as a friend and actively trying to lure me away from my husband. And I am finding myself totally infatuated with her all over again and thinking and dreaming about her all the time. I don't understand it and I am really freaked out about it. It's such a mindfuck.

just from reading this i can tell you she doesnt respect you or the sanctity of a committed relationship. If she did - she wouldnt be trying to actively lure you from your family, your husband, your kids. Dont let this vixen take over your life just to crush you again. Its not fair for you, your husband and most of all - its not fair to your kids.

 

[revchev]

You are going to lose something.

I wouldn't tell him about it unless I needed to, it will just hurt him. The only good to come of that would be you feeling better.

I suggest building happiness with the blocks you have instead of letting a selfish piece of your past throw it all away.

Can't add much to what other posters have said here, but this one thing I would think very hard about. If this woman is what she appears to be it would not be out of the question for her to approach your husband with some sorrid tale (fictional or not) about you two. Depending how much your husband knows this could be surprising or devastating to him. You are in a position now where a lot of people whom you love can be irrevocably hurt by your actions, tread lightly and make your decisions only after playing out all the possible scenarios.

My advice, get away from this woman, you left her for all the right reasons. Expecting people to change is the cornerstone of a bad relationship.

 

[blarneyroan]

Thanks for all the advice here. I know it's all good advice. I don't want to destroy my family over this, I want to move on. I value my family too much, it really is my top priority and I don't want to hurt my kids or my husband. It is just this terrible impulse in me to be with her again that doesn't make sense. I do not want to act on it - I just want the urge to fuck off and leave me alone. The thoughts, the dreams, the stupid fantasy - I want it to go away and stop fucking with my head. She is not who I want to spend my life with, she is not worth destroying my family over and she is not nearly as good of a person as my husband is.
My husband knows about her but not that she is constantly dropping hints about leaving him for her and asking me to drop everything to come spend time with her in another state. If he knew that he would be very hurt and angry, which is why I haven't told him. I know she is disrespectful, selfish and dangerous to my relationship. I guess I need to figure out how to get closure. I never got it before, that is obvious. I am still in love with who she used to be before she betrayed me. I am in love with our relationship the way it was 6 years ago. I feel stupid for not being able to just accept that. I don't know why I keep having dreams about her and that time in my life, other than just longing for the happiness I had at that point in time. I think maybe I am just depressed right now and thinking about that prior point in my life where I remember being extremely happy is tripping me up. I felt very free, young and beautiful when I was with her and I don't feel that way anymore. But then again I did not have kids and all the responsibilities at that time either. Of course I love my family but it gets tough and maybe I am just in a rut which makes me vulnerable to her advances.

 

[silverwhisper]

blarneyroan quoth:
i think maybe i am just depressed right now and thinking about that prior point in my life where i remember being extremely happy is tripping me up. i felt very free, young and beautiful when i was with her and i don't feel that way anymore [emphasis mine]. but then again i did not have kids and all the responsibilities at that time either. of course i love my family but it gets tough and maybe i am just in a rut which makes me vulnerable to her advances.

i think you've demonstrated tremendous self-awareness and self-knowledge here, blarneyroan.

can i make a suggestion? maybe you should have some friends take the kids for a day or two. it sounds to me like you & your husband need to re-connect, perhaps in a way you haven't had the time/energy to do in a while.

in fact, if your kids' friends' parents are up for it, maybe you should do a rotation of some kind, so that other couples can do the same?

ed

 

[dollface007]

i think you've demonstrated tremendous self-awareness and self-knowledge here, blarneyroan....

Agreed.

Just from reading your posts, blarneyroan, I am confident that you will do the right thing. You used the word "infatuation" and I think that is exactly what you are dealing with. It is hard to break that. Intellectually, you know she is kind of a terrible person...or at least a very unstable person. You just have to make peace with that. There is no universe (outside of your imagination) in which you could be in a healthy relationship with her. It's time to move on. Believe me, I know how hard it is to move on. All the best to you...

 

[Noor]

I think you need to tell her "no thanks" you are not interested in anything more than friendship with her. That if she wants to be in your life she needs to respect where you are now, and your family relationships.

I am not sure about telling your husband at this point, I just don't see how it will help the situation.

 

[NomadLady]

Thanks for all the advice here. I know it's all good advice. I don't want to destroy my family over this, I want to move on. I value my family too much, it really is my top priority and I don't want to hurt my kids or my husband. It is just this terrible impulse in me to be with her again that doesn't make sense. I do not want to act on it - I just want the urge to fuck off and leave me alone. The thoughts, the dreams, the stupid fantasy - I want it to go away and stop fucking with my head. She is not who I want to spend my life with, she is not worth destroying my family over and she is not nearly as good of a person as my husband is.
My husband knows about her but not that she is constantly dropping hints about leaving him for her and asking me to drop everything to come spend time with her in another state. If he knew that he would be very hurt and angry, which is why I haven't told him. I know she is disrespectful, selfish and dangerous to my relationship. I guess I need to figure out how to get closure. I never got it before, that is obvious. I am still in love with who she used to be before she betrayed me. I am in love with our relationship the way it was 6 years ago. I feel stupid for not being able to just accept that. I don't know why I keep having dreams about her and that time in my life, other than just longing for the happiness I had at that point in time. I think maybe I am just depressed right now and thinking about that prior point in my life where I remember being extremely happy is tripping me up. I felt very free, young and beautiful when I was with her and I don't feel that way anymore. But then again I did not have kids and all the responsibilities at that time either. Of course I love my family but it gets tough and maybe I am just in a rut which makes me vulnerable to her advances.

Tell your husband what she is doing now. Be honest with him. Have him help you get rid of her if necessary but DO NOT fall for her, you are in love with someone that never existed, as she never really was the right person for you.
You can't be in love with a ghost and you need her out of your life....you have way too much to lose and I really don't think you want to spend the rest of your life without your kids and husband because of a memory.
A good friend of mine is fostering a young 10 yr old boy because his mother is now living with another woman and totally ignoring her children. This kid has issues I can even begin to explain here but it is really sad for a kid that age to be so very messed up.

 

[PaganKinktress]

Wow...there is some really awesome advice in this thread. You guys and ladies are amazing.

I'll echo what some of the previous responses have said. Think about what you value in your life *today*. Ask yourself if pursuing such an infatuation (and it is an infatuation) would align with the things you currently value. Is there a disconnect between both scenarios?

Also, I can completely relate to a lot of what the OP is expressing....sometimes we are reminded of our "previous" lives and those paths not taken. We can get caught up in how those times/people from the past made us feel and we long for **the feeling**...not so much the person or circumstances. There is a difference.

Talk to your husband. He sounds like a good person and so do you. I'm sure you will get the support you need from him to help you through this. And that right there, is a sign that you picked the right person.