how to get a shy guy to be a top/Dom

[willingslave]

Ok, here's the thing - I enjoy being submissive to my partner, but I've never had a boyfriend that wanted to be a Top. My current guy seems like he enjoys being in control a bit, but he also breaks out laughing and thinks it's a bit corny... Also he doesn't really understand teasing or foreplay or well, really anything. The only time I've convinced him to tie me up, he told me (just once!!) to suck on his cock -- and then apologized after for being to forceful! I don't know if he's also a sub at heart (god, I hope not!), or just really afraid of where my boundaries might be, though I've tried to give him every go-ahead I know. So now I'm in the awkward position of a sub trying to train a Dom. HELP, PLEASE!!! Ideas, suggestions, ANYTHING!

 

[CowBoy18^]

show him a pornographic movie or something and ask "id like to try that" or something

 

[FurryFury]

Men do tend to like porn for some reason. *L*

The question you ask is more complicated that you might think. So this post will be rather long.

I have been trying to ease my husband in that direction for a while but he has no desire to be Dominant. Now if he has no desire to be a Dominant person or even lacks a willingness to "play" at it to please you, there is nothing you can do, period.

If your guy actually has a desire and you have offered you submission to him on a silver platter, I think he will move on from there. In that case or the case of a guy who truly is doing things just to please you or who may not "know" about his inner kinkiness, here are a few things that might help.

Look up a BDSM inventory or checklist. Spend a night each checking off what you (both of you) are interested in doing, what you are willing to do and how much interest you have in said activity. This will give you tons to discuss. We found it very rewarding.

Also discuss safe words with you guy. I think one big hang up with many men in today's society is that they feel they are not supposed to hurt you or they are worried they will lose control and go too far. If you have a safe word then he could possibly feel a little more relaxed about proceeding.

Be sure he knows as much as you do about your current limits. If you get to play, your limits will change but you can't know how when or how this will occur until you get to play and try things.

If you are into pain. Call it sensation and NOT pain unless HE is clear about being into giving you pain.

If you have bruises or other lovely mementos later that you enjoy, don't talk about it still hurting unless you are sure he will be happy to have marked you and hurt you. (This can scare off men who don't want to hurt you.)

If he does something you don't consider to be what you want, remember you are putting him in charge, so tread gently unless he is going past your stated limits and/or ignoring your safe word. Men are so often like little boys, if you express the slightest dissatisfaction they will sulk and find a new game to play, possibly with a new toy.

If he does something you like, act like it and later shower him with praise. "Oh honey! I keep thinking about how you grabbed me the other night and just took me, doing what YOU wanted to and it makes me so happy, I'm dripping right now." Be honest though, you have to have really liked it and really be dripping. Make him feel and verify. *winks* Which brings us to...

Tease, tease, tease him. Don't let an opportunity go by in which you are not teasing him and making him simmer. Keep the anticipation up. Prime the pump.

Finally, talk and act like this is a great adventure you can talk together. It is. Each new activity is a wonderful ride. You might find you don't like the Tea Cups (figging). You might find you prefer the carousel (spanking). Whichever, just enjoy the rides as you both learn what you like and good luck.

One other note, just because you see him as dominant doesn't mean he sees himself that way. Be prepared for him to see himself differently. I also saw my husband as a dominant but in the bedroom he does not feel that way at all. Therefore we take turns. Sometimes he plays at being dominant for me. Sometimes I play at being dominant for him. Other times we are tired and just fuck.

So if you find out he is dominant in business and even at home but not in the bedroom you have to find a way to live with that and love him anyway. One good thing about my situation is that we each put the other person's needs before our own. Usually that's a good thing. Sometimes I wish we were both just a little bit more selfish though. All that may never become a concern of yours but I thought it was worth mentioning.

Also someone I respect who has more experience than answered a similar question to asked by lady recently who wanted to research BDSM for her husband. I'll pass along his words of wisdom to you because I think he has a very valid point here.

"I don't think you researching and organizing everything for him is going to necessarily have the effect you hope it might. Nothing wrong with being honest about your feelings and even pointing him in the right direction, but now is the time to use that feminine mystique."

Now that being said, the corner stone in any relationship should be communication. In a BDSM relationship that need for communication increases exponentially IMO. So that makes for a fine line to walk. It has to be walked though, I really believe that it does.

What you and your guy have to do if you continue down this path is find out what BDSM means to both of you.

Recently my husband reluctantly said he would try to Dom me if I ever let him know that I felt a great need for it.

I was touched by his offer but my Lord I've told him I do feel that need plenty of times.

Then he talked about how the kids would need to be out of the house and he wouldn't want to do it at a hotel room because of all the yelling.

Yelling???

I was suddenly terrified.

Yelling is not part of BDSM for me. In fact, I finally realized recently that yelling is a pretty serious red button issue with tons of baggage for me. In other words I freak out even if he's only yelling about football. He never actually yells at me and I still freak out. So we had to talk that out.

We talk a lot more now since I began to explore BDSM. I feel much more secure even though I already did feel secure. I like me better now. I like us better now too but it's not effort free to work on things like this, you know?

Recently he was very amiable to spanking me roughly, dripping hot wax on me and fucking me seven ways from Sunday. I wasn't expecting or used to him doing these things so easily or enthusiastically (except the fucking) but I was thrilled! I also spanked him btw.

We've been at this since November 2004. You can't go to fast. There have been times when I felt we were going backwards, be prepared for that. You have to state things with exquisite care so you constantly are honest but loving and reassuring to him.

The bottom line is we do for each other. We listen to each other and communicate as well as we can, though our communication is seldom perfect. The love, respect and caring is there and everything else will follow.

Fury

Please note: The above is advice from someone who hasn't got a huge amount of experience herself but she's working on it and means well. Take all advice whether asked for or not with a grain of salt. Mileage my vary.

 

[RJMasters]

Ok, here's the thing - I enjoy being submissive to my partner, but I've never had a boyfriend that wanted to be a Top. My current guy seems like he enjoys being in control a bit, but he also breaks out laughing and thinks it's a bit corny... Also he doesn't really understand teasing or foreplay or well, really anything. The only time I've convinced him to tie me up, he told me (just once!!) to suck on his cock -- and then apologized after for being to forceful! I don't know if he's also a sub at heart (god, I hope not!), or just really afraid of where my boundaries might be, though I've tried to give him every go-ahead I know. So now I'm in the awkward position of a sub trying to train a Dom. HELP, PLEASE!!! Ideas, suggestions, ANYTHING!

No doubt my comments will be misinterpreted here, but I hope you can catch the spirit of what my response is.

It is obvious that the he may not be dominant, so end of the discussion, game over. However being the optimistic I am, I am grabbing a couple of things you said here and will run with it.

You said he like to be in control "a bit".

This can be deceiving because of my last two points so let's go to them and then come back to "a bit".

He chuckles because its corny + he apolgised after telling you to suck his cock being that was too forceful.

Well the short answer is he needs to be deprogramed. What I am saying is he believes something that isn't true and it is blocking him from being confident.

People often resort to humor or an unsettled laugh when faced with a fear of something or try to engage in something they know is not true, but try to do it anyways. What is it he is afraid of? Or what is it that he doesn't believe is true?

He deep down doesn't believe that you really want to hear those words...nor in his heart or mind can he believe that afterwards are you happy and satisfied. He feels he has insulted you or hurt you in someway and he wants to apoligise for it.

Why would he think those things, especially after you have told him that is the thing you really want from him? Well the answers can be many. But to summarize it, he has been taught that women are not like that and that men should not treat them that way ever. He may have learned that from his parents, church or the "extremist" elements of the feminists movement that has permated society for years. I say "extremist" elements because most women think the extremists in the women's movement stop representing their interests long ago. However, most men today are indecisive as to how they should act towards women. He could open a door and hold it for one lady one day and she will thank him and smile and doing the exact thing the next day for another lady, get an earful how she don't need anyone to hold the fucking door for her she can do it herself. I know this is a bit of an exageration, but it represents little ripples that have permated throughout and change the way men think towards women.

What many do not hear in the press or in church or from parents, is that many women not only want to be submissive to "their" man sexually or otherwise, but find it an extreme turn on when he is confident in himself and he accepts your desire to be taken with gusto.

He laughs and apolgises because he is trying to do something he doesn't really believe is true. And he apologises because he is afraid that he has somehow treated you disrespectfully and offended his notion of your womanhood. He surely didn't learn that from you. So my suggestion would be to sit down and explain to him that ...."part"....of what he believes about women is just not true, especially where it concerns you.

Simply say...."I am not trying to trick you. I am not playing any mind games here. Nor am I trying to play some part in a porn movie. I never feel more satisfied as a woman than when you take control of me in this way. I have chosen you to be the man I want to be with, because I know I can give all of myself to you. Please do not leave me wanting and do not apologise for making me happy when you take control. Do not second guess my love and desire to serve you. Accept it with full confidence and "learn" to bask in the pleasure of my gift to you, so that I then can bask in the pleasure of knowing I have been your woman and pleased and served her man well."

If there is a dominant man hiding behind the indecisiveness, by making him understand that this is not a game to you but comes from the deepest parts of your heart, then you may just find, that as his thinking changes, and as he tests to see if this is true with you, he will no longer think it is corny nor apologise, but with confidence begin to accept the notion that its ok to take control. And you will see that "a bit" grow.

The day he has you face down on the bed and is taking you harder than he ever has, and he looks at your fingers clawing the sheets and hears you whimpering yes, yes, yes oh gawd yes! I doubt you will have to try to convince him how much you mean what you say.

The fact he likes to be in control a bit now, gives me hope that he just needs his thinking straightened out so he can believe in the freedom you are giving to him. Hopefully he will take hold of it and find a peace about it, not so he can become the man you want him to be, but for him to know its ok to be the man he is inside.

I wish you two the best of luck.

 

[FurryFury]

No doubt my comments will be misinterpreted here, but I hope you can catch the spirit of what my response is.

It is obvious that the he may not be dominant, so end of the discussion, game over. However being the optimistic I am, I am grabbing a couple of things you said here and will run with it.

You said he like to be in control "a bit".

This can be deceiving because of my last two points so let's go to them and then come back to "a bit".

He chuckles because its corny + he apolgised after telling you to suck his cock being that was too forceful.

Well the short answer is he needs to be deprogramed. What I am saying is he believes something that isn't true and it is blocking him from being confident.

People often resort to humor or an unsettled laugh when faced with a fear of something or try to engage in something they know is not true, but try to do it anyways. What is it he is afraid of? Or what is it that he doesn't believe is true?

He deep down doesn't believe that you really want to hear those words...nor in his heart or mind can he believe that afterwards are you happy and satisfied. He feels he has insulted you or hurt you in someway and he wants to apoligise for it.

Why would he think those things, especially after you have told him that is the thing you really want from him? Well the answers can be many. But to summarize it, he has been taught that women are not like that and that men should not treat them that way ever. He may have learned that from his parents, church or the "extremist" elements of the feminists movement that has permated society for years. I say "extremist" elements because most women think the extremists in the women's movement stop representing their interests long ago. However, most men today are indecisive as to how they should act towards women. He could open a door and hold it for one lady one day and she will thank him and smile and doing the exact thing the next day for another lady, get an earful how she don't need anyone to hold the fucking door for her she can do it herself. I know this is a bit of an exageration, but it represents little ripples that have permated throughout and change the way men think towards women.

What many do not hear in the press or in church or from parents, is that many women not only want to be submissive to "their" man sexually or otherwise, but find it an extreme turn on when he is confident in himself and he accepts your desire to be taken with gusto.

He laughs and apolgises because he is trying to do something he doesn't really believe is true. And he apologises because he is afraid that he has somehow treated you disrespectfully and offended his notion of your womanhood. He surely didn't learn that from you. So my suggestion would be to sit down and explain to him that ...."part"....of what he believes about women is just not true, especially where it concerns you.

Simply say...."I am not trying to trick you. I am not playing any mind games here. Nor am I trying to play some part in a porn movie. I never feel more satisfied as a woman than when you take control of me in this way. I have chosen you to be the man I want to be with, because I know I can give all of myself to you. Please do not leave me wanting and do not apologise for making me happy when you take control. Do not second guess my love and desire to serve you. Accept it with full confidence and "learn" to bask in the pleasure of my gift to you, so that I then can bask in the pleasure of knowing I have been your woman and pleased and served her man well."

If there is a dominant man hiding behind the indecisiveness, by making him understand that this is not a game to you but comes from the deepest parts of your heart, then you may just find, that as his thinking changes, and as he tests to see if this is true with you, he will no longer think it is corny nor apologise, but with confidence begin to accept the notion that its ok to take control. And you will see that "a bit" grow.

The day he has you face down on the bed and is taking you harder than he ever has, and he looks at your fingers clawing the sheets and hears you whimpering yes, yes, yes oh gawd yes! I doubt you will have to try to convince him how much you mean what you say.

The fact he likes to be in control a bit now, gives me hope that he just needs his thinking straightened out so he can believe in the freedom you are giving to him. Hopefully he will take hold of it and find a peace about it, not so he can become the man you want him to be, but for him to know its ok to be the man he is inside.

I wish you two the best of luck.

RJ,

That's a pretty great post in my book.

Fury

 

[Andante]

RJ,

That's a pretty great post in my book.

Fury

I totally agree, RJ's post is great advice. But so is yours, Fury!

 

[RJMasters]

I totally agree, RJ's post is great advice. But so is yours, Fury!

Thanks Andante.

I have to say that Fury has a unique perspective on this with where her path of expereince has lead her with her husband, that and sharing rock solid advice of a practical nature, certainly makes me agree in saying her post was nothing short of great as well.

 

[alice_underneath]

It is obvious that the he may not be dominant, so end of the discussion, game over.

This should be an 'obvious' point, Mr. Masters, but unfortunately it is one that many people ignore.

You can not force a non-dominant to become dominant. Trying to do this will not only be a futile endeavor, but is also profoundly unfair.

The critical first step, therefore, is finding out whether there is a hidden Dom somewhere inside the guy - and if so, why he is hiding.

Well the short answer is he needs to be deprogramed. What I am saying is he believes something that isn't true and it is blocking him from being confident.

People often resort to humor or an unsettled laugh when faced with a fear of something or try to engage in something they know is not true, but try to do it anyways. What is it he is afraid of? Or what is it that he doesn't believe is true?

He deep down doesn't believe that you really want to hear those words...nor in his heart or mind can he believe that afterwards are you happy and satisfied. He feels he has insulted you or hurt you in someway and he wants to apoligise for it.

Why would he think those things, especially after you have told him that is the thing you really want from him? Well the answers can be many. But to summarize it, he has been taught that women are not like that and that men should not treat them that way ever. He may have learned that from his parents, church or the "extremist" elements of the feminists movement that has permated society for years. I say "extremist" elements because most women think the extremists in the women's movement stop representing their interests long ago.

A while ago, on a different thread, I described an incident in which a group of extreme feminists tried to make me feel badly for buying lingerie at Victoria's Secret. Good grief. You are correct, Mr. Masters. These people stopped representing my interests long ago!

However, I would like to point out that a guy displaying pre-feminist-movement behavior (opening doors for ladies, etc.) is not necessarily going to make a fantastic Dom. In fact, just the opposite might be true.

Many men in the vanilla world have a whore/lady dichotomy going on in their heads. [Perhaps this is the parent/church influence you were referencing? I wouldn't know about the church, but I do know a lot of parents who reinforce this attitude.]

This type of guy (let's call him "Dichotomy Guy") divides all women into these two categories, and while he may fool around with the whore type, he will only bring a lady home to meet mom.

Dichotomy Guy views his SO as a quasi-fragile creature to be carefully treasured, tenderly handled, and respectfully adored. In many ways that is all wonderful..... but.... for the woman who wants to be dominated sexually, it is actually very bad news.

I know that you are aware of this type of guy, RJ. I mention this here for the benefit of Willingslave and anyone else reading the thread. It is extremely important to focus on precisely why the guy is resisting his inner Dom.

Consider, for example, the impact on this type of guy if his SO shows him a porn flick as a model of desirable behavior. What this would "say" to Dichotomy Guy is, "I want to be a whore." That message is unlikely to be well-received by this type of guy. You will not be dispelling the irrational dichotomy in his head. You will merely be telling him that you are in the wrong category!

On the other hand.....

What many do not hear in the press or in church or from parents, is that many women not only want to be submissive to "their" man sexually or otherwise, but find it an extreme turn on when he is confident in himself and he accepts your desire to be taken with gusto.

He laughs and apolgises because he is trying to do something he doesn't really believe is true. And he apologises because he is afraid that he has somehow treated you disrespectfully and offended his notion of your womanhood. He surely didn't learn that from you. So my suggestion would be to sit down and explain to him that ...."part"....of what he believes about women is just not true, especially where it concerns you.

Simply say...."I am not trying to trick you. I am not playing any mind games here. Nor am I trying to play some part in a porn movie. I never feel more satisfied as a woman than when you take control of me in this way. I have chosen you to be the man I want to be with, because I know I can give all of myself to you. Please do not leave me wanting and do not apologise for making me happy when you take control. Do not second guess my love and desire to serve you. Accept it with full confidence and "learn" to bask in the pleasure of my gift to you, so that I then can bask in the pleasure of knowing I have been your woman and pleased and served her man well."

.... THAT is outstanding advice. Frankly, the best I have ever read on this subject.

This type of discussion emphasizes all the critical points about her, but it does so in a way that does not wound the guy's fragile male ego.

She might be tempted to scream - "Why can't you just be a real man and pound me into the sheets?!" - but that plan might backfire! Because, in addition to the fact that rude & nasty behavior is unlikely to turn on someone like Dichotomy Guy..... .... there is an implicit criticism of all his previous sexual attentions which one would be wise to avoid.

Alice

 

[ellen9388]

This is a good question/subject....I have had the conversation with my partner. He tried it, wasn't wild about it but definitely open to the possibilities. It's been some time now since we last discussed it, and I was thinking about broaching the subject with him again and the movie suggestion is a good idea.

Of course, we always enjoy watching good porn together....any suggestions of good D/s films?

 

[FurryFury]

I totally agree, RJ's post is great advice. But so is yours, Fury!

Thanks Andante! I'm glad you thought it was a good post!

Fury

Thanks Andante.

I have to say that Fury has a unique perspective on this with where her path of experience has lead her with her husband, that and sharing rock solid advice of a practical nature, certainly makes me agree in saying her post was nothing short of great as well.

Thank you RJ!

I'm feeling all warm and toasty with all this praise from two who I respect a great deal!

*grins*

Fury

 

[leavessnailtrails]

thanks

I just wanted to say that it is so good to have a forum like this. Everyday that I am here, I learn something new about myself, relationships, desires and needs.
To all the frequent posters: I salute you!

 

[fae_bella]

I'm kind of in the same boat.
My hubby is into the whole Sub/Dom thing... and is willing to do either role...
But he likes to be controlled more than controlling me. I actually have to beg him to start anything. At first, I was turned on at the fact I had to plead with him to get attention that way... but now.. If there's anything happening in that line, its with me in charge.
Don't get me wrong, I like having the upper hand sometimes.
Its just that the whole thing started with me convincing him to take charge of me... He loved it, but saw how much it turned me on, so he asked me to do it in return. He loved THAT even more, and getting the tables turned back to the original way is absolutely frustrating.
He's always been very hesitant in his Dom role, but I am not. Could that be why he's not ready to switch the reins?

 

[FurryFury]

Tell him it's his turn and this is an assignment that you expect him to carry out.
My guy responded well to assignments, very well.

Now, lately he's been much more in charge without me having to say or do anything. I'm a rather happy girl in that area when we find the time to get together.

Fury

 

[bronntanas]

Willing, he may not be a Dominant personality, but you still may be able to work with it. If he's just not kinked, you may be out of luck. If he IS a submissive personality train that. I used to serve two lovely ladies on a part time basis, but I've moved. One of them absolutely loved to be taken "against her will", but did not feel that she could look for a Dominant in her community. (There was a bit of anti-switch sentiment in that locale, as well as several Twue Dominates. If she'd looked for a Dominant partner there, they'd be giving her crap about "really being a submissive". ) Her solution was to work with both of her submissives (but not her slave, who lived in with her.) to get her desires met. I'm not a switch, but it made my Lady happy to be overpowered and slightly abused so I learned how for her.

Bella, your situation is very similar. It could be he's not a Dominant, but is willing to play that role to please you. Reward him somehow when he gets it right (maybe by turning the tables on him.). Or it may be that he's too comfortable and it scares him. Most guys these days are raised to be nice, self sufficient boy scouts. So if letting his inner cave man out makes him that happy, he may be uncomfortable with it. Feeling guilty and such. Depending on where he's from, he may even think you DON'T enjoy being Dominated, but are doing it to please him and telling him what he wants to hear. I grew up in a very sexually repressed country, in a very conservative culture. When my sister's had sex ed in school, one of the teachers actually referred to it as "the monthly rape." They were told they didn't need to enjoy it. The boys got a large dose of "you're only a man, you have these primitive urges that are unfortunately necessary to survive." Our case was a bit extreme, as we were all in Catholic school, but whatever his early sex programming was, he may be having problems overcoming it.

 

[FurryFury]

Bronntanas has made some excellent points here.

Brava!

Fury

 

[bronntanas]

Thanks Ms. Fury!

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks Ms. Fury!

Anytime Sugah Pie!

*winks*

Fury

 

[snowy ciara]

bronn's as smart as he is pretty, Furry... I vote we keep him.

 

[FurryFury]

bronn's as smart as he is pretty, Furry... I vote we keep him.

I'll second that! *c* Can we do his hair next??? *smiles and claps hands*

Fury

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

*enjoying the posts*

 

[bronntanas]

I'll second that! *c* Can we do his hair next??? *smiles and claps hands*

Fury

There's not much to be done with it, unfortunately! But I'd be willing to place a few other body parts at your disposal!

Back on topic....

At the munch last night, I brought up the thread and asked for anymore ideas. Someone suggested that if the couple in question is okay with threesomes and such, to find a Dom/me to sort of apprentice yourselves to. That the way, the Dominant persons get training and the submissive persons get their needs met, and eventually, they live all get to live kinkily ever after. This is predicated on the idea that the all partners are at least kinked. If part of the couple really has no interest in D/s or bdsm or whatever acronym floats your boat, it won't help much.

Another idea was that if one partner really isn't into Dominating, if they are okay with poly relationships, it's time to seek a part time situation like I was in.

 

[FurryFury]

There's not much to be done with it, unfortunately! But I'd be willing to place a few other body parts at your disposal!

Back on topic....

At the munch last night, I brought up the thread and asked for anymore ideas. Someone suggested that if the couple in question is okay with threesomes and such, to find a Dom/me to sort of apprentice yourselves to. That the way, the Dominant persons get training and the submissive persons get their needs met, and eventually, they live all get to live kinkily ever after. This is predicated on the idea that the all partners are at least kinked. If part of the couple really has no interest in D/s or bdsm or whatever acronym floats your boat, it won't help much.

Another idea was that if one partner really isn't into Dominating, if they are okay with poly relationships, it's time to seek a part time situation like I was in.

Ooh La la! Other body parts at our disposal! I LIKE the sound of that!

If all parties agree, I think having a Dom mentor them is a great idea. It's also a fantasy of mine, well a Dom for me and a Domme for him. I think a great deal could be learned doing that. I've also considered swinging of sorts and poly but there is great fear, for me, in all of these things and that is why I haven't crossed any of these bridges yet.

Recently I did contact or attempt to contact a local munch. I haven't heard back yet but at least this time it didn't come back via mailer daemon.

Fury

 

[fae_bella]

he came back!!

I guess all I needed to do was take my hubby on a trip to the naughty store- because his dominant side came back and back with a VENGEANCE on saturday night!!!

As soon as we walked in, he took on his other side, making me buy some bondage silk rope, a new toy, and a few magazines and books. I was never so happy to spend so much money- especially when we got home! We played with that rope and new toy for 2 hours!!

I had had a talk with him about everything Saturday morning. I explained to him I really had no issues with him taking on a more aggressive side in bed (or wherever) and if something truly does frighten or hurt me, I would definitely let him know. He was a bit unsure of it, so I told him we'd start using a safety word (Something I learned on here was a bad idea for us NOT to be using) and he seemed way more willing after we decided on one. I guess all he needed was a chance to talk and make sure that everything was truly ok with what he was doing or planned to do. Now he's VERY much aware its totally fine!!

 

[FurryFury]

I guess all I needed to do was take my hubby on a trip to the naughty store- because his dominant side came back and back with a VENGEANCE on saturday night!!!

As soon as we walked in, he took on his other side, making me buy some bondage silk rope, a new toy, and a few magazines and books. I was never so happy to spend so much money- especially when we got home! We played with that rope and new toy for 2 hours!!

I had had a talk with him about everything Saturday morning. I explained to him I really had no issues with him taking on a more aggressive side in bed (or wherever) and if something truly does frighten or hurt me, I would definitely let him know. He was a bit unsure of it, so I told him we'd start using a safety word (Something I learned on here was a bad idea for us NOT to be using) and he seemed way more willing after we decided on one. I guess all he needed was a chance to talk and make sure that everything was truly ok with what he was doing or planned to do. Now he's VERY much aware its totally fine!!

Great news! I'm glad to hear it! Congrats!

Fury

 

[willingslave]

Thanks for the advice

Thanks for the advice, everybody. I've actually gotten him to go to an adult store with me - he seems to be taking a slow interest in the idea of being a top, he just doesn't know what to do with it yet. (also, I have to tell him every ten minutes to stop apologizing; if I don't like what he's doing or it hurts too much, I'll tell him.) But so far so good, it seems. Does any body have any suggestions of good D/s porn? Something with light female bondage, probably no group stuff (yet) - don't want to terrify the poor guy too badly.