How to fix this mess

[Suzins]

In the past I posted a couple of relationship questions. All have come back with helpful advice, and i thank all that responded. I think I may have jumped the gun in wondering about other things instead of identifying the root of the problem. I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

I know everybody has had terrible things that has happened to them in the past, and it's hard to move on. I am trying to do this, with little success. So here goes, in a nutshell this is what has happened and maybe somebody can shed some light on this so I can move on too.

My first sexual experience was horrible. While vacationing in Jamaica with friends (I was 17) a man of 45, who was on the trip with us ( I didn't know him prior to our trip ) tried to have sex with me. When I said no, I was assaulted and was knocked unconscious. Later when I was almost 20 I realized that he hadn't raped me, as my hymen was intact. The man I gave my virginity to, I caught him the next day in bed with another MAN. Now I don't care what anybody's sexual orientation is, I have a very open mind and am very accepting, but it was less than an ego boost if you know what I mean. I have only had a couple of relationships, they have been less than average. One boyfriend actually impregnanted my friend while we were going out.

Nine years ago, I had sex with one of my very good friends, the next night one of my other friends raped me. I never told anybody, and wound up pregnant. I know this sounds like a Jerry Springer forum, this is why I haven't broadcasted my problems to people. I kept the baby, even though I wasn't sure which person was the father, she will be 9 in September. And I love her dearly. I haven't been in a relationship since. No kissing, no dancing, no hand holding...nothing.

I have recently lost over 70 lbs, going to the gym, I feel confident that this is the best I've looked...ever. With that solved I thought I would be able to have more confidence dealing with men. Apparantly I don't. I am tired of being alone, I actually feel like i'm starving for physical contact (if that's even possible).

Does anybody have any ideas that can help me get over this crap and get on with my life?

 

[kaoskytton]

Wow.

Well, it's like I always say, I think most people who are in touch with their real selves aren't that way because they necessarily "chose" to be. I think most of us stepped outside the norm through some series of personal tragedies or climactic events.

And "stepping outside," is a bad word choice. I don't think it's anything like "stepping outside." I think, rather, the experience resembles being thrown from a moving train and grinding to halt on gravel and concrete. We all walk away with some serious scars. Many of us leave pieces of ourselves behind.

I would advise that you find someone who's willing to work with you, and get yourself into therapy. That's not a nasty thing to say you're crazy, but we all develop subconscious habits that are often a direct result of some traumatic experience. I think the best example of this are the people who hurt their lovers without any real intention to do so because "if they endure it and stay, I know they won't leave." That's fucking nuts. But people do it all the time. My advice to you is, in order to cause less pain to yourself and the people you care about, seek professional help...but be careful there, too. Don't go on the drugs. And don't let someone turn you into them. You've got to find a therapist who accepts you for who you are and is willing to help you grow.

As far as relationships go, I suggest you find a sensitive person who enjoys assisting people like you. And that's not an insult. Personally, I let my tongue slip before I could stop myself and actually said to someone, "Look, we're just fucking. It's an open relationship. Your emotional welfare is not my responsibility. Go bring your bullshit to someone else." I don't like solving my lover's personal problems. Some people really do. Friends of mine seem totally addicted to it and seem to seek out people who have been hurt or wounded.

Go slow. If someone wants to jump your bones right away, chances are they're more interested with your body than your head. For me that works great, but you're looking for someone to help you rebuild your emotional castle of cards. Find someone you can talk all night with. Sleep with someone who waits by the phone for you. Let yourself be with someone who really cares.

*ACK* Oh, this is SO not for me. But I'm glad there's a supply out there for the every-increasing demand!

 

[wicked woman]

Suzins from what you say I think it's understandable that you have some issues to deal with. Much as I'm sure that losing the weight may make you feel better and look better, even more confident about yourself, I wouldn't assume that it would change your life and solve everything.


I could give you a pat answer and say 'these are friends and lovers?'. Need to make better choices. But that would be cruel and I don't mean to be.


What I'd love to suggest is that you find someone to talk to...to help you address your past and your feelings and thoughts about men because of it. If that needs to be someone professional...who cares...it's more important that you get some help dealing with this. Good luck hon.


PS Yes someone can be starved for physical touch. Hug your daughter. It's not the same, but......

 

[FastFastr]

Although it sounds old fashioned... meet a guy thru other things that you do - try the gym, church (or temple or mosque), work, hobbies etc...

Better yet, get a recommendation from a friend - get fixed up so that you're not completely in the dark.

Although you want the sex, wait a while. Kiss at the beginning and then go home and finish yourself. Gain his trust, and make him earn yours. The fucking and sucking can wait - and if you do, it will be all that more amazing later.

I don't mean for months or years, but a short time. It seems that the experiences that you described were fairly quick. Take your time... it will pay off.

Meanwhile, if you want to just get laid, then find an escort on the web (just go to google or yahoo and type in your city name (or a big city near you), followed by the word escort and you'll find men and women who are professionals.

This is a business transaction without the emotions... you'll "scratch your itch" and then proceed to find a real mate.

Otherwise, just tell where you live on here and you'll have 100 guys lined up to satisfy your needs.

 

[justatramp]

Hey your on the right path, you just need to start looking around you.You'll find what you want.Best of luck....

 

[Noor]

Well it sounds like you have a few things going on. One is bad sexual expereinces another is boundaries.

yes, you have had some very bad sexual experiences but you have survived them. Nothing you have ever done deserves the sexual assaults you have endured. In the case of your daughter you have made lemonaid out of lemons.

The losing weight it a two edged sword. There is a good chance you let yourself be heavier as a form of protection, to almost look bad to sexual predators, to avoid situations where you might have more bad experiences. Even to see if people like you for you instead of your body, it happens to a lot of women.

One of the reasons I like being on line and cyber is that relationships and interactions depend more on your thoughts and feelings rather than the body you inhabit at the moment. I like a mixture of both. When I am sad and feeling lost I have my local real life freinds to hang with, hold me, distract me from the pain and I have my on-line freinds who are there to check on me, talk to me, hang with me, some are a mixture of both on line and real life. I really like my cyber guys and it allows me to experience different things with people that I would not meet in my off line life. There are so many great people in the world, it seems silly to limit myself to my own home, besides you never know where you will be later in life, or at least I don't.

congratulations on the weight loss. However looking good is very superfical, it is more important that you feel good. You also need to be doing things you love, that you enjoy. I like music, hiking, carousels and belly dancing. Once you are feeling good and doing the things you love if will be easier to meet people.

It sounds like you need to set some boundaries when it comes to sex. Yes there are times when have sex straight off seems like the only thing to do but with your past experiences you show probably slow down and wait. Start off slow, fool around a bit, get into kissing, non sexual touching, decent guys will wait until you are ready.

If you think you might be having sex just because you want to be touched get regular non sexual massages so you can get used to being touch. It will also help you feel more in your body, something people who have been sexually or physically hurt often have a hard time with. Belly dancing also helps that too.

I like to wait until I can't stand it anymore until there is nothing else I can think of, until I want to devour my partner. Before that time we have discussed condoms, pregnancy, disease, and boundaries.

I think therapy for the sexual and relationship issues might be good and you will also need a way to deal with any increased attention you will get from being thinner.

Good Luck, you sound like you are on the right path.

Noor, who has had maybe 9hrs of sleep in the last 48 hrs.

 

[SexyChele]

It always amazes me how the folks on this board can really pull together to try to help some one!

Suzins, I think the advice to talk to some one is not bad at all. Especially considering the abuse at 17 and the rape 9 years ago. These can really play with your head.

My advice would also include looking back at each man you had a relationship with that soured. What was it about them that attracted you? And what characteristics did you later find out hurt you? Then, when you meet some one, try to look for characteristics that are the opposite. You might not think you will attracted, but you might be surprised!

Yes, one can be starved for physical touch. But don't rush to that mirage in the desert to try to quench your thirst. Wait until you reach the oasis. Take your time. Get to know the man first. Don't be overly eager to give in too quickly. It he is a keeper, he'll be worth the wait. And he'll realize what a prize you are to wait for as well.

Good luck!

 

[kaoskytton]

Don't rush into the desert after the mirage...that's brilliant, Chele.

 

[Suzins]

You people truly are an amazing bunch. All I did was do a bit of cleaning and next thing you know....I've got alot of very good stuff to read.

Noor, gaining all the weight definitely was a defence for me, I already do realize that. Took you about 9 minutes, and it took me 9 years LOL

Now about this therapy thing, I'm already financially stressed being a single mother, with no extended health care benifits to pay for this. None of my family even know about the father of my daughter, I lied. And I have no intentions on telling them why I require therapy. I live with my mother, she has helped me raise my daughter, financially, babysitting etc. So there is also a privacy issue. Not to make things more difficult for you kind folks to help out, but there must be someway I can work this out myself.

I know by not telling anybody about this stuff it means I have taken responsibility for things that I shouldn't have had to. Again, my choice. I have covered very well for alot of years because I have such an outgoing personality believe it or not. But only with people I already know. I don't even know if they would believe me if I told them because i'm such a cut up. I'm actually a fairly intelligent, opinionated, funny person. I just feel like i'm missing the key to fix this. The massage did sound like it had potential, by letting people touch me. Because I am uncomfortable with people touching me period. I seem to have problems distinguishing between sexual and non sexual contact.

Any other helpful exercises I can try on my own without the cost of therapy would be useful.

Thanks again so much...I was sick to my stomach even posting this. You people have made this so much easier.

 

[wicked woman]

Suzins may I suggest contacting your local Sexual Assault Crisis Centre? Tell them it's not a crisis but that you'd like to talk to a volunteer counsellor. It will be confidential and free. They can't provide long term counselling but they should be able to give you some guidance and give you an idea of the resources where you live.


Good luck hon *reaching over to give you a virtual hug*

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

Suzins, Its my thoughts that you can't fix the mess as you put it, only walk away from it and begin again; keeping in mind those things that were your down fall in the past and stepping around them when they reappear down the road. There's a saying that goes Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. Never forget the past, but don't dwell on it either. Each day that you wake up is a new beginning to your life with great possibilities. There are many doors that are waiting to be opened, its up to you to recognise those doors that will lead you to your highest good.
Talking out your past with someone trained in counciling is a good idea. They can help you to confront your demons and push them aside, therefore opening up your life for more positive experiences.
I commend you for your weight loss, not only from the appearance side, but from the health point as well. Your body should be considered a temple, for it houses your soul and is responsible for seeing you thru this life. Keeping yourself fit is necessary for not only your child's sake, but for your mental health as well. Being in good health is one of the greatest things one can do for themselves. Keep up the good work Suzins.

Most of know, that whilst we may be a bunch of pervs on this board, many of us are real people who care about others and are willing to lend an ear or shoulder when needed. Some of us are older and have gone thru many of the situations that some are having now. Whilst I can't say I've ever had some of yours, I know that there are those here who have and have gone on to overcome them and find happiness. Keep the faith Suzins!

-kym- A shoulder to lean on

 

[kaoskytton]

Yeah, Suzins, I completely agree with the above comment. I think a local support group, or a confidential support group, is what would really help you. I just mentioned in another post that no matter how unique we think we are, there are always many other people who are going through, who have gone through, or who will go through what we do. It's our decision whether to offer a shoulder as some of us did or did not have in our time. Personally I think you have to be a pretty friggin' heartless bastard not to, though. Bad karma! Divine spankings!

Anyway, it's not something you can work out in your own head, I don't think, because you can't step outside yourself to deal with it. From inside your head, you can't see the damage, or the symptoms of it. Crazy people never know they're crazy. Everything makes perfect sense to them. Not that you're crazy, but my point is, from the inside, we can never see what we truly are.

 

[SexyChele]

Suzins may I suggest contacting your local Sexual Assault Crisis Centre? Tell them it's not a crisis but that you'd like to talk to a volunteer counsellor. It will be confidential and free. They can't provide long term counselling but they should be able to give you some guidance and give you an idea of the resources where you live.


Good luck hon *reaching over to give you a virtual hug*

A very good idea here. I'm not certain where you live, but if you contact your county health department, most have a mental health department where counseling is available. It's typically on a sliding scale, and I would think a woman in your position would be able to get it for free. It is not normally long term, but sometimes it helps to just talk to some one a few times to help.

As for the privacy issue, counselors would never betray a confidence, and if you check with your county health department, some provide some sort of child care, which would lessen the chance that you would need to leave her with your mother. Explaining this to a concerned parent might be difficult, I can understand. But some one seeking counseling is not crazy or nuts or looney. Heck, most do not even have a mental disorder or illness. Sometimes we need to get outside of ourselves and chat to some one who can look more objectively at our situation. (But I do know how parents can be sometimes!)

I really do wish you the best of luck with all of this. Somehow, I think you are going to come out of this just fine!

 

[Noor]

There are books with journaling exercises you can get from the library, I can get together a list if you'd like. Also there are usually private sliding and no fee therapists for woman who have been raped, and most don't care how long ago it was. Just call your local rape crisis center and explain the problem.

As for privacy since you already go to work out maybe you could use one of those times for appointments. If you need to tell people why you need therapy just tell them you are having some body imagine issues now that you are thinner again and you need some help maintaining that. People do all sorts of strange things to stay thinner.

You do need to talk to someone even if just for a little bit, rape and sexual assaults create long range problems that can linger throughout your life.

I don't like to be touched by non initimates but I was in several accidents that required long term physical therapy so learned to shut my body off to touch which works great when you don't want to feel but not so good when you do. I have also been attacked several times. I went to a six week program that was a combination of massage and therapy, first the massage and then therapy in the same session, different therapists. It was especially for people with body touch issues and it made a big difference! I found that things come up when you are being massaged that you never expect and then you can talk about them with the therapist. It was strange because there were issues I cognitively thought were the problems but what popped up was totally different. It cost about $600 and I paid for it out of my cafetaria 125 pre tax dollars plan at work. It was a lot of money for me but made a tremendous difference in my life. But there were funds available that I could have gotten had I not be able to pay.

I imagine you have some trust issues as well. I have found those are much harder to heal, that seemingly little things can set them off, even when you are all "cured" and long out of therapy. For this you need to understand them, be able to recognize them and explain them when they come up and have great guys in your life.

 

[sheath]

I really do wish you the best of luck with all of this. Somehow, I think you are going to come out of this just fine!

Suzins,

The fact that you actually came to this board and posted your story is proof that you WILL come out of this just fine. Why? You are taking those first steps in admitting that you need help, and it's all much easier from there. You know exactly what happened to you and how it has affected you, and the fact is, that puts you pretty far ahead of most of us. Many of us might still be in denial nine years later.

I can't say that I have sterling advice, because honestly, for once I cannot think of a thing. Maybe later I can, but sitting here reading your post over and over, I'm just in awe of the way you have handled absolutely terrible situations that might have broken anyone else. But YOU are coming through it, not only with determination and strength, but with STYLE.

I admire you.

Please tell us more over the next few weeks and months? I think that for me, and for many others, your story has struck quite a chord, and we will want to know what happens with you.

Take care of yourself...

S.

 

[Lust Engine]

They say the best way to drive a car is to look out the front windshield and not so much in the rear view mirror.

It's perfectly okay to acknowledge what has happened in the past; you can't change it but you can put it in its place. Don't linger on the things that habe happened and realize that those experiences (good AND bad) have made you what you are today.

Keep moving forward & not worry so much as to the bumpy ground you've already been over. You're a survivor & that says something about your durability & strength; acknowledge the good things about you too.

 

[stilltrying]

Excellent comments all around.

Suzins, one particular bit of your post reminded me very much of myself:

I am uncomfortable with people touching me period. I seem to have problems distinguishing between sexual and non sexual contact.

I had this exact problem for many years. When I was little my parents didn't touch me at all except to discipline me, so the only 'friendly' touch I experienced was when I was being molested and that screwed me up in so many ways I'm only beginning to fully appreciate them all.
But the main effect of this was to make it difficult for me to distinguish between sexual and non-sexual touch, exactly as you describe here.
One thing I can tell you is that it really helps if you take some personal initiative. Make it a point to look for opportunities to touch other people in friendly non-sexual ways. From my experience only by seeing for yourself - through yourself - what those types of touches are and what motivates them, can you learn to be confident when trying to identify them coming from someone else.
That won't help however, in becoming more comfortable with sexual touch, and in learning how to relax and enjoy it rather than becoming tense and fearful. All I can say there is that it helps to proceed by stages. Don't just jump into a full blown sexual relationship but start slowly, perhaps by yourself. Get comfortable with touching yourself. Masturbate frequently. This helps to create and reinforce a positive connection between sexual touch and good, safe, pleasure. Then perhaps move to something like phone sex or cybering, where you can include someone else in your sexual activity, but at a safe distance. Only when you feel completely comfortable with that should you try to introduce someone else in person, hopefully in the context of a relationship where you know that you can say 'no' if you need to and it will be respected.
There are many other things you can do, but those are just a couple that spring to mind at the moment.
Good luck to you. I wish you the very best.
st

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

They say the best way to drive a car is to look out the front windshield and not so much in the rear view mirror.

It's perfectly okay to acknowledge what has happened in the past; you can't change it but you can put it in its place. Don't linger on the things that habe happened and realize that those experiences (good AND bad) have made you what you are today.

Keep moving forward & not worry so much as to the bumpy ground you've already been over. You're a survivor & that says something about your durability & strength; acknowledge the good things about you too.

Must agree with L.E. here Suzins, those terrible things that happened have made the person that is posting to us today. As much as those things haunt you, they are an integral part of who you are. Its up to you to be the victor and overcome them.
I think I can speak for my fellow Litsters and say that we all wish you th every best and can't wait to see the wonderful person that emerges from the cocoon of the past.

-kym- Spread your wings woman its time to SOAR!

 

[Suzins]

Thanks again everybody. I have found the phone number for the local women's crisis centre, and visited their web site and they do have 4 or 5 free councilling sessions available. Now I just have to get the nerve up to do it.

Your helpfulness is greatly appreciated.

 

[HoldenMcCrank]

You have got this far

going to the meetings, although you think it will be hard, should be easy. You are just going to have to do it. You know you can because you have survive this far. You are stonger then you think.

No mater where you go in life you are only one step from where you were. Take the next step and go to the meetings. You and your daughter will be happy that you did.

Take care and let us know how things go!

Holden

 

[lost5pints]

Sound advice from all our fellow lit members Suzins. Glad you have started the first steps in trying to sort out the events of your life and move on. due to a little sleep dep i really cant offer much more advice than a hardy good luck adn to mention you in my prayers. tkae care and kepp updating.

 

[Suzins]

Well I haven't made the call yet. All weekend I've been trying to get up enough nerve. It's much easier telling all of you who i'm never going to actually have to see LOL

Maybe I should try and just tell a friend first. Shouldn't have waited this long I guess to talk about it.

Now how can I just start telling one of my friends this without overwhelming them too much. That seems to be a big responsibility asking somebody I know to keep that big of a secret for me.

Maybe I need to get comfortable TALKING about it instead of typing it LOL before I seek professional help. Especially if I only get 4 or 5 free visits LOL don't want to use them all up stammering thru.

 

[Noor]

I think you should just do it. Counselors are trained to help you talk it though, friends aren't always. i would wait to tell you friends, you never know what might happen and a counseling environment might be safer. As a person who has close friends who have told me these types of things, it is easier for both of us if they have been to counseling first.

just my crabby opinion.

Noor

 

[Suzins]

Well it's been a long time in coming, but I just want to report that I feel great. I have taken everybody's advice, and honestly feel like i've gotten past most of it. The only thing I haven't taken care of is what do I tell my daughter. But one thing at a time.

I can't even put my finger on it, but I want to say the reason I'm so happy is because I have quit blaming myself. I'm sure everybody can relate to that. And yes it sounds simple, but it has definitely worked. I seriously walk around feeling like I'm high all the time. I've never tried this happiness hat on, man do I ever like it and have no intentions of taking it off without a fight.

Thanks so much to all of you who took the time to answer this thread. I don't think everybody here realizes the impact they have on some of us who read these threads. I may not post often but I read daily. I have learned so much about things I hadn't even wondered about.

Now I haven't "closed the deal" and made the jump and actually had sex yet LOL But it will happen I'm sure of it. Only problem now my happiness seems to intimidate people LOL It's like a no win situation. LOL C'est la vie

But I do pitty the first one who'll have me LOL You people have opened my eyes up, and I've got an extremely long mental list of "things to do" that I haven't tried LOL Thanks again

Sue

 

[wicked woman]

Suzins....that's absolutely fabulous. Thanks so much for coming back and telling us you're feeling better. Way to go hon. and another virtual hug.