How to express emotions or current state or a character mood in dialogue?

[Bubo_bubo]

LC tries to look glum, but can't stop a smile from playing about his lips. "You're right," he admits with a sheepish grin. "That was fake news."

Relief and anger battle for supremacy on Bubo's face. Relief wins out. "Don't ever scare me like that again." He shudders. "One does not joke about coffee."

 

[Bramblethorn]

Let the dialogue itself carry more of the weight.

100% agreed on this. When I'm talking to somebody there's no neon sign over their head that says "angry" or "excited" or whatever. I have to figure that out from what they say and how they behave. So let "what they say and how they behave" steer the story.

Example:


That line needs no tag, and can easily be punched up by simply adding some tone of voice. "Oh! So, nowI'm your big brother."

And now, I'm likely to start an argument. The "rule" is that dialogue tags (she said, he shouted, etc.) must be in the form of an actual audible verb. I think that's nonsense. It's an arcane, fossilized rule that ignores the reality of how people actual communicate. Expand your options.

"But, it's the rule," the veteran writer sneered.

"I don't care," I shrugged.

I haven't learned to live with it yet, but I suspect that school of thought is eventually going to win out. OTOH, I don't think it loses anything if rendered like this instead:

"But, it's the rule." The veteran writer sneered.

"I don't care." I shrugged.

Though there's room for fine-tuning there. "Sneered" can mean a lot of things - a quick search gets me "contemptuous or mocking smile, remark, or tone" - so there's room to make it a bit more tangible. Is my "veteran writer" the sort to make a face, or is their sneer expressed purely in the tone? Can I tweak their dialogue to put more of the sneer inside the quotes? How might the responder react to that tone? And when I think about how people talk, often the body language gets there before the words do.

So I might end up with something like this:

The veteran writer said, "But it's—the—rule." [Plus some body language if it works for the scene.]

I shrugged. "I—don't—care."

Not sure whether I'd settle on em-dashes, ellipses, or full stops to convey that deliberate pedantic slowness of speech, but something along those lines.

 

[MelissaBaby]

Here's how I read it.

"I don't care," I shrugged.

That a single verbal/physical combination that takes place simultaneously.

"I don't care." I shrugged.

Two separate things. I said I didn't care, and then I shrugged after saying it.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Example:

“Alex, why is your bed still on the floor?” Mom barked.

“I told Max to do it,” Alex replied. “Mom, he doesn't listen to anything I say.”

“You’re not my big brother,” I replied.

“Hey, I’m one year and 5 months older than you,” Alex replied.

“Louder, I can't hear you?” I mocked him.

“Stop fighting and try to get a job,” Mom said.

“Alex is the big brother, he should get a job first.”

“Now I’m your big brother,” Alex responded.
...

*Here I'm struggling with how to express every dialogue. I can't keep saying, replied, said, responded, answered. I know some adjectives but always feel empty when I write them. Or maybe I struggle to picture the moments. Just help me, guys. I read lots of stories where they beautifully represent the emotion of their characters.

Some good comments on this already. One thing I'd add is thinking about rhythm.

The rhythm of this dialogue is like a very polite game of catch. Each person gets the ball, they hold it for one sentence or occasionally two, then it passes on to the next person. Mom gets a line, Alex gets a line, Max gets a line, Alex gets a line, Max gets a line, Mom gets a line, Max gets a line, Alex gets a line... if this was a piece of music, it'd just be a drum keeping a steady beat.

Conversation doesn't usually sound like that. It goes slow and fast, sometimes one person holds the "ball" for a long time, sometimes they barely get a word out before somebody else jumps in over them. Especially in an argument, which is what you have here, people should be trying to monopolise the conversation, not saying a line and then waiting politely for the comeback from their antagonist.

 

[XerXesXu]

*Here I'm struggling with how to express every dialogue. I can't keep saying, replied, said, responded, answered. I know some adjectives but always feel empty when I write them. Or maybe I struggle to picture the moments. Just help me, guys. I read lots of stories where they beautifully represent the emotion of their characters.

Mid-morning, the bracing voice of authority disturbed our customary, idle repose. “Alex … WHY is your bed STILL on the floor?”

The weasel voice of blame-transference responded. “Mom, I told Max to do it. He doesn't listen to anything I say.”

“You’re not my big brother, Alex.”

“Hey, I’m one year and 5 months older than you.”

“Louder Alex, I can't hear you?”

“You two, STOP fighting and TRY to get a job.”

“Alex is my big brother … HE … should get a job first.”

“So … now I’m your big brother.”

“BOYS!
Tonight, I’m bringing a guy over here, so no funny business, respect him. And …” ( Pointing at our nightwear.) “… where did you two find those girls’ gym shorts?”


“You gave us them a few months ago,” I reminded her. “ Mom … are you dating?”

“I see … use them as sleeping shorts … Dating? … Maybe ... I met him in the bar … He’s single and rich.”

“Do you think he can send us to private school? You know Max always gets bullied by big kids”



You could hint at why there's competition for precedence between the boys, and why they’re expected to both, go to school, and have a job.

 

[SamScribble]

*Here I'm struggling with how to express every dialogue. I can't keep saying, replied, said, responded, answered. I know some adjectives but always feel empty when I write them. Or maybe I struggle to picture the moments. Just help me, guys. I read lots of stories where they beautifully represent the emotion of their characters.

I think the main problem you have, amenarimix, is that nothing any of the characters says is particularly interesting. It took me three attempts to finish reading it. The important thing with dialogue, as much as with narration, is to keep the reader wanting to know what happens next? Once the reader stops caring about what happens next, you’ve probably lost them.

My suggestion: Try rewriting the passage so that each response is clearly a response; clearly something that your reader is going to want to read.

Good luck.

 

[thomas1965]

The important thing with dialogue, as much as with narration, is to keep the reader wanting to know what happens next? Once the reader stops caring about what happens next, you’ve probably lost them.

My suggestion: Try rewriting the passage so that each response is clearly a response; clearly something that your reader is going to want to read.

Good luck.

One function of dialogue is to give information to the reader. Now we now that there is some friction between the boys, that the mum is a kind of gold-digger. It's showing instead of telling.

 

[SamScribble]

One function of dialogue is to give information to the reader. Now we now that there is some friction between the boys, that the mum is a kind of gold-digger. It's showing instead of telling.

I don't disagree. But, as authors, we still need to deliver the information in a manner that makes the reader want to receive it.