How to express emotions or current state or a character mood in dialogue?

[amenarimix]

Example:

“Alex, why is your bed still on the floor?” Mom barked.

“I told Max to do it,” Alex replied. “Mom, he doesn't listen to anything I say.”

“You’re not my big brother,” I replied.

“Hey, I’m one year and 5 months older than you,” Alex replied.

“Louder, I can't hear you?” I mocked him.

“Stop fighting and try to get a job,” Mom said.

“Alex is the big brother, he should get a job first.”

“Now I’m your big brother,” Alex responded.

“Tonight, I’m bringing a guy over here so no funny business and respect him,” Mom said. “Where did you two find those girls’ gym shorts?”

“You gave us a few months ago,” I replied. “Are you dating…”

“Oooh, yes, just use it as sleeping shorts,” Mom replied. “I met him in the bar. He’s single and rich.”

“Do you think he can send us to private school?” Alex asked.

“What happened to public school?” Mom asked.

“You know, Max always gets bullied by big kids,” Alex replied.

*Here I'm struggling with how to express every dialogue. I can't keep saying, replied, said, responded, answered. I know some adjectives but always feel empty when I write them. Or maybe I struggle to picture the moments. Just help me, guys. I read lots of stories where they beautifully represent the emotion of their characters.

 

[thomas1965]

You can express emotions through action.
A classical example:
"Stop it," she said angrily.
Better
"Stop it!" she slammed her palm on the table.

Another way is to use body language.
Face getting pale, red, distorted.
Getting goose bumps, tight throat

 

[ElectricBlue]

Mix in action. Your example is all dialogue, but it's fairly mundane, so it can't do the heavy lifting by itself. Give your characters something to do, as well as something to say.

Also, you don't need speech tags with every piece of dialogue - although it's tricky in your example because you have three characters so need to know who is speaking. But again, identify the speaker through their action.

 

[NotWise]

The problem may not be as big as you think it is. The only points where I have trouble following the dialog are where the dialog itself is ambiguous. "You gave us a few months ago," for instance. I don't know if you've short-handed "You gave them to us a few months ago." or whether you meant, "You gave us a few pairs months ago."

There's at least one other example like that.

Otherwise, I agree with thomas1965. Your dialog is in a void; you need to give it a setting, have the characters do things, and give them gestures and body language.

 

[amenarimix]

You can express emotions through action.
A classical example:
"Stop it," she said angrily.
Better
"Stop it!" she slammed her palm on the table.

Another way is to use body language.
Face getting pale, red, distorted.
Getting goose bumps, tight throat

You understood exactly what I meant. I know practice is the key but is there any chart or list so that I can... Or do I have to make one for myself.

 

[TheWorldBuilder]

Three way dialogue is always complex, needing clarity about the speaker's identity. It is possible to change things around by putting the dialogue after the identifier and interspersing talk with action and descriptive narrative. There are also terms which convey more emotion than the neutral ones you are currently using.

 

[amenarimix]

Hey

The problem may not be as big as you think it is. The only points where I have trouble following the dialog are where the dialog itself is ambiguous. "You gave us a few months ago," for instance. I don't know if you've short-handed "You gave them to us a few months ago." or whether you meant, "You gave us a few pairs months ago."

There's at least one other example like that.

Otherwise, I agree with thomas1965. Your dialog is in a void; you need to give it a setting, have the characters do things, and give them gestures and body language.

That's just a draft or just an idea. However, I'm not good at English, I want to learn how to make the dialogue more realistic. If you read any of my stories you'll notice I don't give any body language or how they said it. Most of the time readers don't mind because they fantasize about themselves as the main protagonist. Still, keep repeating the same verbs over and over which make me feel bad about my writing skill. It has been a year since I'm writing erotica and I improved a lot but I think that's way below what I expected.

Vocabolary and grammar. Fucking nightmare.

 

[amenarimix]

Three way dialogue is always complex, needing clarity about the speaker's identity. It is possible to change things around by putting the dialogue after the identifier and interspersing talk with action and descriptive narrative. There are also terms which convey more emotion than the neutral ones you are currently using.

I know. Can you give me some examples?

 

[MelissaBaby]

Example:

“Alex, why is your bed still on the floor?” Mom barked.

“I told Max to do it,” Alex replied. “Mom, he doesn't listen to anything I say.”

“You’re not my big brother,” I replied.

“Hey, I’m one year and 5 months older than you,” Alex replied.

“Louder, I can't hear you?” I mocked him.

“Stop fighting and try to get a job,” Mom said.

“Alex is the big brother, he should get a job first.”

“Now I’m your big brother,” Alex responded.

“Tonight, I’m bringing a guy over here so no funny business and respect him,” Mom said. “Where did you two find those girls’ gym shorts?”

“You gave us a few months ago,” I replied. “Are you dating…”

“Oooh, yes, just use it as sleeping shorts,” Mom replied. “I met him in the bar. He’s single and rich.”

“Do you think he can send us to private school?” Alex asked.

“What happened to public school?” Mom asked.

“You know, Max always gets bullied by big kids,” Alex replied.

*Here I'm struggling with how to express every dialogue. I can't keep saying, replied, said, responded, answered. I know some adjectives but always feel empty when I write them. Or maybe I struggle to picture the moments. Just help me, guys. I read lots of stories where they beautifully represent the emotion of their characters.

Let the dialogue itself carry more of the weight.

Example:

“Now I’m your big brother,” Alex responded.

That line needs no tag, and can easily be punched up by simply adding some tone of voice. "Oh! So, nowI'm your big brother."

And now, I'm likely to start an argument. The "rule" is that dialogue tags (she said, he shouted, etc.) must be in the form of an actual audible verb. I think that's nonsense. It's an arcane, fossilized rule that ignores the reality of how people actual communicate. Expand your options.

"But, it's the rule," the veteran writer sneered.

"I don't care," I shrugged.

 

[SimonDoom]

I tend to be more on the side of relying on "said" and "asked" as the primary dialogue tags and avoiding more colorful alternatives. Not every dialogue snippet needs a tag, and one can sometimes avoid a tag by using narrative.

In Melissa's example above, I would write:

"I don't care." I shrugged.

The reason is that "shrugged" is not a way one conveys dialogue. You do not shrug speech. Shrug is something you do along with speaking.

I think "sneer" is a closer call and is more suggestive of a way that the line is coming out, so, to me, it's fine.

One way to approach things is to think of all the senses when you write dialogue: touch, smell, sight, sound. Describe and narrate the scene. Get into the characters' heads and motives. Get rid of the dialogue that doesn't carry the story.

Much of this is just a matter of taste, and you have to figure out how you like to do it.

 

[TheWorldBuilder]

I know. Can you give me some examples?

Let the dialogue itself carry more of the weight.

Example:


That line needs no tag, and can easily be punched up by simply adding some tone of voice. "Oh! So, nowI'm your big brother."

And now, I'm likely to start an argument. The "rule" is that dialogue tags (she said, he shouted, etc.) must be in the form of an actual audible verb. I think that's nonsense. It's an arcane, fossilized rule that ignores the reality of how people actual communicate. Expand your options.

"But, it's the rule," the veteran writer sneered.

"I don't care," I shrugged.

I tend to be more on the side of relying on "said" and "asked" as the primary dialogue tags and avoiding more colorful alternatives. Not every dialogue snippet needs a tag, and one can sometimes avoid a tag by using narrative.

In Melissa's example above, I would write:

"I don't care." I shrugged.

The reason is that "shrugged" is not a way one conveys dialogue. You do not shrug speech. Shrug is something you do along with speaking.

I think "sneer" is a closer call and is more suggestive of a way that the line is coming out, so, to me, it's fine.

One way to approach things is to think of all the senses when you write dialogue: touch, smell, sight, sound. Describe and narrate the scene. Get into the characters' heads and motives. Get rid of the dialogue that doesn't carry the story.

Much of this is just a matter of taste, and you have to figure out how you like to do it.

That. All of that.

"Be descriptive," Builder murmured as he moved across to the desk.

Amenarimix still sounded puzzled. "How do I do that?"

"Learn to ignore the rules, like Melissa has. Sometimes they interrupt your flow."

"Can you give me examples?" She persisted.

"Ah," Builder pondered, "now that's where you need a thesaurus."

 

[MelissaBaby]

I tend to be more on the side of relying on "said" and "asked" as the primary dialogue tags and avoiding more colorful alternatives. Not every dialogue snippet needs a tag, and one can sometimes avoid a tag by using narrative.

In Melissa's example above, I would write:

"I don't care." I shrugged.

The reason is that "shrugged" is not a way one conveys dialogue. You do not shrug speech. Shrug is something you do along with speaking.

I think "sneer" is a closer call and is more suggestive of a way that the line is coming out, so, to me, it's fine.

One way to approach things is to think of all the senses when you write dialogue: touch, smell, sight, sound. Describe and narrate the scene. Get into the characters' heads and motives. Get rid of the dialogue that doesn't carry the story.

Much of this is just a matter of taste, and you have to figure out how you like to do it.

I just see it differently. The shrug is not a separate action, it is part of the same bit of communication as the words.

The point though, is that I break the rule knowing I am doing so. (I actually think you're the one who explained it to me) My advice to the OP is, don't get hung up on the "right" way to do things.

 

[gunhilltrain]

Hey

That's just a draft or just an idea. However, I'm not good at English, I want to learn how to make the dialogue more realistic. If you read any of my stories you'll notice I don't give any body language or how they said it. Most of the time readers don't mind because they fantasize about themselves as the main protagonist. Still, keep repeating the same verbs over and over which make me feel bad about my writing skill. It has been a year since I'm writing erotica and I improved a lot but I think that's way below what I expected.

Vocabolary and grammar. Fucking nightmare.

So you said that English is not your native language? That can be an issue because so much of dialogue is intuitive, gained from experience with real conversations. An yes, three-way conversations can be a pain. I'm tempted to give you examples from a story I did on another site (it's likely never going to be on Lit because of religious themes) but then I'd have to probably explain the premise. Let me consider it.

 

[gunhilltrain]

One thing, you don't have to identify the speaker in every line of dialogue in a two-way conversation. It's hard to avoid that if there are three or more people. Take a look at some works published by professional authors and see how they do it in novels and short stories.

 

[thomas1965]

... is there any chart or list so that I can... Or do I have to make one for myself.

There are plenty of books about emotion and body language on Amazon

 

[TadOverdon]

The Emotion Thesaurus

 

[gunhilltrain]

The Emotion Thesaurus

They give some free samples, but it looks like you have to buy the book (or the PDF version).

 

[gunhilltrain]

This seems to be available for free although it is archived.

https://web.archive.org/web/20140410140545/http://writershelpingwriters.net/

I should browse through it myself.

 

[SimonDoom]

There are quite a few writing "how-to" guides here at Literotica, many of which are quite helpful. Here are the links to three how-to guides on dialogue:

https://www.literotica.com/s/dialogue-this

https://www.literotica.com/s/let-the-characters-do-the-talking

https://www.literotica.com/s/how-to-make-characters-talk

 

[Kumquatqueen]

I don't use dialogue tags in my first draft, or quote marks. When going through improving it, I put tags in when needed to tell who's speaking, and/or to add a bit of action. Once I'm reasonably content, I put the quote marks in.

Three or more people is always a bit more tricky to make clear who is doing what, so a writer needs to put a bit more effort in.

I've never heard of the rule Melissababy mentions, and agree it would be bollocks.

 

[Bubo_bubo]

"I... I really don't how I could help you," Bubo said, "I write a lot of dialogue, but, well, it just happens."

"Just tell me! There must be a secret!" Amenarimix said, their face scrunched up in frustration.

"Please... understand. If I could help you, I would, but..." Bubo looked down into his lap, "I can't. I really can't."

Amenarimix's eyes narrowed. "The secret, Bubo. I know you have it."

Bubo looked up and sighed. "There is no secret. I swear! Just... guidelines. Practice. That sort of thing."

Amenarimix leaned forward, their face mere inches away from Bubo's. "Not. Enough."

 

[lovecraft68]

Action with words

"I can't fucking believe this!" LC stalked across the forum, waving his arms. "They're out of Coffee in TX Rad's thread!"

 

[Emilymcplugger]

Alex, why is your bed still on the floor?” Mom barked as she stared at the dishevelled state of our room.

“I told Max to do it,” Alex replied with a whining tone. “Mom, he doesn't listen to anything I say.”

“You’re not my big brother,” I replied, reminding him exactly what I thought of our familial connection.

“Hey, I’m one year and 5 months older than you,” Alex replied, smugly. He was older. I had to give him that, but necessarily wiser.

“Louder, I can't hear you?” I mocked him.

“Stop fighting and try to get a job,” Mom said, exasperated, her eyes staring at the ceiling in despair.

“Alex is the big brother, he should get a job first.” I joked.

“Now I’m your big brother,” Alex responded, attempting sarcasm but coming off as whiney again.

Just a rough idea of how to do it.

 

[Bubo_bubo]

Action with words

"I can't fucking believe this!" LC stalked across the forum, waving his arms. "They're out of Coffee in TX Rad's thread!"

Bubo put his hand on LC's shoulder. "That's a lie and you know it, TX would never let the place run out of coffee." But his voice sounded shaky. Could LC be right?

 

[lovecraft68]

Bubo put his hand on LC's shoulder. "That's a lie and you know it, TX would never let the place run out of coffee." But his voice sounded shaky. Could LC be right?

LC tries to look glum, but can't stop a smile from playing about his lips. "You're right," he admits with a sheepish grin. "That was fake news."