How to express a character's "inner thoughts"

[SkyBubble]

It still came out with the double spacing. I guess I'll have to send Laurel a note.

 

[Voyeurkenneth]

It still came out with the double spacing. I guess I'll have to send Laurel a note.

Are you sure? Try it exactly like this.

 

[Actingup]

It still came out with the double spacing. I guess I'll have to send Laurel a note.

I recommend you don't write to her until you're exhausted the other options.

 

[TheLobster]

Since this thread popped in and I read through the early replies again, I'm gonna respond to one that hasn't been addressed.

I'm curious why one would use italics or quotes if it's in first person. You don't have to. In first person, all of the narration consists of the POV character's thoughts.

I think that there is actually a difference. There might a situation where it's useful to characterize the person of the narrator by emphasizing he had thought those exact words.

I was bored out of my mind on my late-night shift at the gas station when this absolute knockout walked in.

"Excuse me," she said, leaning over the counter in her tight crop top, "would you mind helping me with a refill?"

Oh, I would refill you alright. Damn, those knockers were practically spilling out!

You can already tell this PoV character is some puerile youngster, probably a teenager, precisely because of his inner dialogue. Even doing "..., I thought" would lessen this effect, making him seem older / comparatively more mature.

 

[Actingup]

Since this thread popped in and I read through the early replies again, I'm gonna respond to one that hasn't been addressed.


I think that there is actually a difference. There might a situation where it's useful to characterize the person of the narrator by emphasizing he had thought those exact words.



You can already tell this PoV character is some puerile youngster, probably a teenager, precisely because of his inner dialogue. Even doing "..., I thought" would lessen this effect, making him seem older / comparatively more mature.

I think that this is an important insight, Sir Lobster. In a related matter, it's probably also useful to remember that people conceptualise and describe internal monologues differently. This is a way for the author to define the internal monologue of the character according to what they want and not the reader's assumptions.

 

[StillStunned]

I use inner monologue all the time. It's especially useful in voyeur stories, where I like to create a world inside the narrator's head and a separate world of what they're watching.

But I use it in other stories too. Maybe because I have a tendency to overthink things, I like my characters to have a lot of thoughts as well.

And I almost always just italicise it (using the <em>text</em> HTML code, as per the site's stated preference).

 

[SimonDoom]

Since this thread popped in and I read through the early replies again, I'm gonna respond to one that hasn't been addressed.


I think that there is actually a difference. There might a situation where it's useful to characterize the person of the narrator by emphasizing he had thought those exact words.



You can already tell this PoV character is some puerile youngster, probably a teenager, precisely because of his inner dialogue. Even doing "..., I thought" would lessen this effect, making him seem older / comparatively more mature.

That's a good example. You could dispense with the italics and just treat it as narrative, but there's some sense in using italics because it's subtly different from the next line. In any event, there's no need for a thought tag.

 

[SinclairGroupLLP]

I have never managed to get single spacing between lines to work - even when I get it to look like that when it’s on the preview, by the time it gets approved and posted it’s reformatted with spaces. I think there’s some kind of auto formatting tool they use that changes a bunch of things when stories are approved. I’ve noticed my double spaces after a period that got knocked into my head on law review always end up single spaces, for instance.

 

[TheLobster]

I have never managed to get single spacing between lines to work - even when I get it to look like that when it’s on the preview, by the time it gets approved and posted it’s reformatted with spaces. I think there’s some kind of auto formatting tool they use that changes a bunch of things when stories are approved. I’ve noticed my double spaces after a period that got knocked into my head on law review always end up single spaces, for instance.

@Voyeurkenneth above shows the correct way. It has to be all in a distinct paragraph on its own, meaning there's gotta be an empty line before and after (or beginning / end of the text, obviously); that's because Lit uses those to create HTML paragraphs (<p> tags)

 

[SinclairGroupLLP]

I’ll try that for my next chapter - I’d like my scene change headers to be single spaced and nothing I’ve tried has worked. Let’s hope I don’t mess it up, lol.

 

[NCostello]

From what I understand, the <BR> tags would only work if you submit your story as HTML, not word. And it would be best to add to the notes that there are <BR> tags.

To the experts - feel free to correct me if I am mistaken.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

I always write in a document and type any format tags right into my document raw. Then I copy/paste it into the submission box. Preview always works when you do this.

"Chambers, you need this done <i>today</i>," demanded the boss.

... will come out like ...

"Chambers, you need this done today," demanded the boss.

Likewise ...

<p>poetry line 1</br>poetry line 2</br>poetry line 3</p>

... will come out like ...

poetry line 1
poetry line 2
poetry line 3

(the <p> tags are optional btw)

Yes, it looks ugly in my document. Doesn't matter. I'm not proud. I'm not the one reading it. The published version will look perfect and that's the one that the readers will read.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

There are times when that disrupts the flow of the narrative.

I've never had a problem with it.

 

[SinclairGroupLLP]

I always write in a document and type any format tags right into my document raw. Then I copy/paste it into the submission box. Preview always works when you do this.

"Chambers, you need this done <i>today</i>," demanded the boss.

... will come out like ...

"Chambers, you need this done today," demanded the boss.

Likewise ...

<p>poetry line 1</br>poetry line 2</br>poetry line 3</p>

... will come out like ...

poetry line 1
poetry line 2
poetry line 3

(the <p> tags are optional btw)

Yes, it looks ugly in my document. Doesn't matter. I'm not proud. I'm not the one reading it. The published version will look perfect and that's the one that the readers will read.

This is exactly what I do, and it always on the italics, bold, centering and the like. I does get me some weird looks when my SO reads a story in Word, but I always tell them its just the formatting.

I think I was screwing up the <br> lines by not putting them all in a row like that.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

I think I was screwing up the <br> lines by not putting them all in a row like that.

Yes, it's a bit of a pain that way but it's worth it. This bit is from the intro to my Romance novel.

<center><i>he sees you as a race car</br>a finely tuned machine</br>a temperamental instrument</br>sleek with a glossy sheen</br></br>he runs his hands along your curves</br>he starts and warms your core</br>then he gets inside you</br>and pins you to the floor</br></br>he steers you, he shifts you</br>he drives you 'round the bend</br>up and down and 'round and through</br>no relent he intends</br></br>he takes you to the very edge</br>teetering on a knife</br>and if you should fall off</br>you just might lose your life</i></center>

It comes out like this.

he sees you as a race car
a finely tuned machine
a temperamental instrument
sleek with a glossy sheen

he runs his hands along your curves
he starts and warms your core
then he gets inside you
and pins you to the floor

he steers you, he shifts you
he drives you 'round the bend
up and down and 'round and through
no relent he intends

he takes you to the very edge
teetering on a knife
and if you should fall off
you just might lose your life​

Notice the double line breaks between stanzas </br></br>.

Also note that if you use <p> tags, that the </p> closer will add its own line break, so if you put in an extra carriage return you will get a double space.

 

[iwatchus]

I wish I had seen this about formatting lyrics before I included them in one of my stories. Oh well.

 

[SkyBubble]

Are you sure? Try it exactly like this.
View attachment 2537012
View attachment 2537013

That worked. Thank you.

 

[SkyBubble]

This is exactly what I do, and it always on the italics, bold, centering and the like. I does get me some weird looks when my SO reads a story in Word, but I always tell them its just the formatting.

I think I was screwing up the <br> lines by not putting them all in a row like that.

Lit's formatting page says that while <i></i> is still supported, they prefer the newer <em></em> FWIW.

The same with bold. While the site still supports <b></b> they prefer the newer <strong></strong>

It appears that either works.

 

[Euphony]

This is a great question. There's no one right way. I prefer italics to quotes, but I think the BEST way is to write in a free indirect style that dispenses with either. Assuming you are writing in third person, the narration is told as though from the point of view of the main character, so you don't need quotes or italics. The narration IS the inner thinking of the character. Example:


Todd walked up the stairs, nervous with anticipation. What would Miranda be wearing? A thong? A chemise? No doubt, she would look good. He stirred with arousal at the thought.


In this style, you dispense entirely with quotes, inner dialogue tags, etc. You just narrate Todd's thoughts. This is my favorite way to do this.

So much this. Simon drove the nail square on the head.

Free Indirect is the main course but I do like an occasional italicized thought though only employ it for significant emphasis of kind. (to really bring home a character is dinally getting it/grappling with it, etc.)

Careful not to overdue it or it loses it's oomph.

 

[Arcadia]

From what I understand, the <BR> tags would only work if you submit your story as HTML, not word. And it would be best to add to the notes that there are <BR> tags.

To the experts - feel free to correct me if I am mistaken.

For anyone who's interested, in a recent story I tested using a <br> tag in a submitted Word doc and purposely did not note it in the notes to the moderator just to see if it would work. It was unclear to me because previous forum posts appeared to only be from people who did not submit through Word docs in the first place. It worked! I don't know if that's because the moderator noticed it and manually fixed it or not, so take from that what you will

 

[Arcadia]

I haven’t written that much, but what I have written is characters who live inside their own heads, so I’ve used all of these techniques! Like pretty much any writing convention, I think there is no “best” way to do it, it’s just a matter of what tool you wanna use for the job you’re trying to accomplish and what you wanna convey to the reader.

For example, in something I posted today, a very short chapter (16) uses a gradual shift from the “free indirect style” that XerXesXu described into explicit, italicized thought to indicate to the reader a tonal shift that matches the POV character’s emotions. By the end, the only thing we’re hearing are the character’s explicit thoughts, which (hopefully) shows the reader how wrapped up the character is in her own head and the effect that has on her emotional state.

I’m gonna go real far up my own ass here and annotate a passage that will appear later in the same story. So if you’re somehow one of the 14 people reading that story…well, take it as a sneak preview I guess (; But I think it’s kind of the perfect passage to show several different ways inner thoughts can be put on the page based on different objectives:

She sat up, holding her phone in her hand as she caught a glimpse of herself in that stupid mirror(1) on the wall next to the bed. Her hair was flat and flopping over half her face, and she noticed all of her piercings were out.​

​

The effect was that she looked…young. Like a kid.(2) She sighed.​

​

Is this what he admires?(3)​

​

Maybe this whole thing was too weird anyway.(1) He wasn’t as old as he sometimes acted — he’s only 36 for fuck’s sake, he’s not old at all(4) — but…as she looked at her softened face and wrinkled tanktop in the mirror, Cameron felt the age difference acutely.(5)​

​

Thirty-six-year-olds have carpools. Tuck in their checkered button-downs. Kiss fucking goodbye.(6)​

1- This is an example of using what XerXesXu was talking about with “free indirect style” (I think?). We know what the POV character thinks about the mirror because it’s right there in the narration. And then again later a couple of paragraphs down where a thought is expressed as indirect narration is a clearer example.

2- In the next paragraph, the thoughts shift to italics to indicate that she is finishing a thought “aloud” inside her own head, as opposed to simply describing a general impression she has. We know she thinks the mirror is stupid because it’s indirectly described, but here, we hear in her voice that she’s telling herself she looks young. Like a kid.

3- I’ve found it best to also indicate internal thought by shifting from third-person past to first-person present as if there were going to be a “she thought” tag afterward, but I agree with others who say there isn’t a need for it most of the time. That said, I do use the tag even on italicized thoughts sometimes when the paragraph continues and it might be confusing otherwise (or just when I feel like being inconsistent )

4- Mixing in italics and indirect descriptions also makes it so that more focused thoughts can interrupt more general impressions, like here. She’s interrupting her own broader thoughts with another one that she says specifically in her mind. If this were all indirect description, it could still stay pretty much the same: He was only 36 for fuck’s sake, he wasn’t old at all. But just like in dialogue, there are some things you want the reader to hear from the character directly. It invites the reader to switch voices from the narration to the character’s, like listening to an audiobook.

5- And then I think this is a good example of when indirect is clearly a better choice than if the inner thought were spelled out. It would sound way weirder for her to say, I feel the age difference acutely, or something like that. Describing the feeling or the thought invites the reader to think of the scene outside of the character’s head -- to imagine the expression on her face while she’s feeling this. Or at least, that’s how I think of it.

6- So then we go back to the feeling itself, and in another paragraph, dive into what explicit thoughts are driving that general feeling, which I think is better done from a first-person perspective in italics than it would be half a step removed in third-person indirect description.

Just my…well, ok, more like 10 cents or so