How to express a character's "inner thoughts"

[NCostello]

What is the best way to express a character's "inner thoughts" or "inner dialog"?

Putting them in double quotes seems confusing as that's the same as speaking out loud.

Should I use single quotes? Italics?

Thanks.

 

[SimonDoom]

This is a great question. There's no one right way. I prefer italics to quotes, but I think the BEST way is to write in a free indirect style that dispenses with either. Assuming you are writing in third person, the narration is told as though from the point of view of the main character, so you don't need quotes or italics. The narration IS the inner thinking of the character. Example:


Todd walked up the stairs, nervous with anticipation. What would Miranda be wearing? A thong? A chemise? No doubt, she would look good. He stirred with arousal at the thought.


In this style, you dispense entirely with quotes, inner dialogue tags, etc. You just narrate Todd's thoughts. This is my favorite way to do this.

 

[StillStunned]

I used italics.

 

[SinclairGroupLLP]

What is the best way to express a character's "inner thoughts" or "inner dialog"?

Putting them in double quotes seems confusing as that's the same as speaking out loud.

Should I use single quotes? Italics?

Thanks.

One of the things I was stunned to learn is that some people (and I do this on occasion) live their lives with a running dialogue going through their heads. Not everyone does that, apparently.

When I'm in First Person with the MC as the narrator, I just have them talk, like they're talking to the reader. If that internal voice that some people have is actually speaking in their head, I use italics with an (I said to myself) or (I thought) prompt afterwards.

In Third Person, I use italics when the thoughts are in a coherent sentence, like above.

 

[AllenWoody]

If it's first person I use (recently, anyway) italics.

This can't be happening, he thought, taking in the scene of carnage around him. It just can't be.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

Just write it out.

I thought x.
She was thinking x.
The thought crossed his mind that x.
I couldn't get x out of my head.
He felt that x.
Something piqued her senses and x leapt to the forefront of her mind.

 

[SimonDoom]

I'm curious why one would use italics or quotes if it's in first person. You don't have to. In first person, all of the narration consists of the POV character's thoughts.

I wouldn't write it this way:

I walked up the stairs. "Boy, I'm nervous," I thought. "I hope she likes the flowers I bought her."

I'd write:

I walked up the stairs. I felt nervous. I hoped she'd like the flowers I bought her.

It's easier this way and you get rid of the unneeded tags. You don't have to tell the reader "I thought." They already know that.

 

[XerXesXu]

This is a great question. There's no one right way. I prefer italics to quotes, but I think the BEST way is to write in a free indirect style that dispenses with either. Assuming you are writing in third person, the narration is told as though from the point of view of the main character, so you don't need quotes or italics. The narration IS the inner thinking of the character. Example:


Todd walked up the stairs, nervous with anticipation. What would Miranda be wearing? A thong? A chemise? No doubt, she would look good. He stirred with arousal at the thought.


In this style, you dispense entirely with quotes, inner dialogue tags, etc. You just narrate Todd's thoughts. This is my favorite way to do this.

Yes, 'free indirect style' is the defining characteristic of modern fiction. What it does is mingle the voice of the author (writer) with the voice of the character (narrator). In the past, this had been thought problematic because the voice of the author can conflict with the voice of the character, but its advantages outweigh its disadvantages. It produces cleaner text (less cumbersome punctuation) and lends an economy and natural flow to the writing.

Be aware that the voice of the author may conflict with the voice of the narrator e.g. a child would have a different voice to that of an English major waxing poetic, but you can also use that difference deliberately create a certain effect.

It's probably considered better practice to use free indirect than to have the character speak his thoughts in italics etc, but 'the rules iz, there iz no rules', so feel free to move between the two if your creative instinct tells you, in any particular instance, one would work better than the other.

 

[MelissaBaby]

This is a great question. There's no one right way. I prefer italics to quotes, but I think the BEST way is to write in a free indirect style that dispenses with either. Assuming you are writing in third person, the narration is told as though from the point of view of the main character, so you don't need quotes or italics. The narration IS the inner thinking of the character. Example:


Todd walked up the stairs, nervous with anticipation. What would Miranda be wearing? A thong? A chemise? No doubt, she would look good. He stirred with arousal at the thought.


In this style, you dispense entirely with quotes, inner dialogue tags, etc. You just narrate Todd's thoughts. This is my favorite way to do this.

That's exactly what I do. On occasion, if it comes off clunky, or seems repetitious, I will write "Yada yada yada," she muttered or something like that to break it up.

 

[ronde]

I'm curious why one would use italics or quotes if it's in first person. You don't have to. In first person, all of the narration consists of the POV character's thoughts.

I wouldn't write it this way:

I walked up the stairs. "Boy, I'm nervous," I thought. "I hope she likes the flowers I bought her."

I'd write:

I walked up the stairs. I felt nervous. I hoped she'd like the flowers I bought her.

It's easier this way and you get rid of the unneeded tags. You don't have to tell the reader "I thought." They already know that.

Exactly right. Quotes should be reserved for spoken dialogue. Single quote marks have a limited usage in designating a quote within a quote, as in "I remember you saying, 'I never kiss on the first date', but you just did."

Some designation of the thoughts of a character in third person might be helpful, but it shouldn't be quotation marks or single quote marks. Italics works, but is disruptive to some readers. Tags such as "he thought", "she mused", etc can quickly become boring. It's much better to give the reader an idea of who is thinking first and dispense with any other identifiers. I'd start a sequence of thoughts by a character by writing, Tammy was lost in thought. Why would (write all the thoughts Tammy is having at the time).

 

[SimonDoom]

Exactly right. Quotes should be reserved for spoken dialogue. Single quote marks have a limited usage in designating a quote within a quote, as in "I remember you saying, 'I never kiss on the first date', but you just did."

Some designation of the thoughts of a character in third person might be helpful, but it shouldn't be quotation marks or single quote marks. Italics works, but is disruptive to some readers. Tags such as "he thought", "she mused", etc can quickly become boring. It's much better to give the reader an idea of who is thinking first and dispense with any other identifiers. I'd start a sequence of thoughts by a character by writing, Tammy was lost in thought. Why would (write all the thoughts Tammy is having at the time).

It only gets tricky if you write in an omniscient style where you move from the thoughts of one character to another. Then some form of identifier like a tag or quotes might be necessary. But I rarely do this. Most of the time, within any one scene I stay inside the head of one character, so there's no need for such identifiers. They're just excess words.

 

[Areala-chan]

I use italics. It's a simple way to spare a tag like "I thought", and doesn't confuse a character's inner monologue with things they say out loud.

 

[SamBomb]

In first person, who cares, its all their thoughts.

In third person, I tend to just put their thoughts in a separate paragraph.

For example:

Frank walked into the cellar.

Damn, it's cold in here!

 

[SimonDoom]

Frank walked into the cellar.

Damn, it's cold in here!

The one problem with doing it this way is you are shifting POV and tense. It's confusing. In a consistent free indirect style, it would be done this way:

Frank walked into the cellar.

Damn, it was cold in there!

 

[XerXesXu]

In first person, who cares, its all their thoughts.

In third person, I tend to just put their thoughts in a separate paragraph.

For example:

Frank walked into the cellar.

Damn, it's cold in here!

It's a technicality, but it may be worth teasing out the difference between 'show don't tell' and 'free indirect'

Show don't tell.
Frank walked into the cellar, shivered, paused and squinted into the gloom.

Classic/Tell
Frank walked into the cellar, 'Damn, it's cold and dark in here,' he thought.

Free indirect/ Show.
Frank walked into the cellar. 'Damn!' The cold, dim, mustiness brought back unpleasant memories of his family vault.
I walked into the cellar. 'Damn!' The cold, dim, mustiness brought back unpleasant memories of my family vault.

 

[SimonDoom]

It's a technicality, but it may be worth teasing out the difference between 'show don't tell' and 'free indirect'

Show don't tell.
Frank walked into the cellar, shivered, paused and squinted into the gloom.

Classic/Tell
Frank walked into the cellar, 'Damn, it's cold and dark in here,' he thought.

Free indirect/ Show.
Frank walked into the cellar. 'Damn!' The cold, dim, mustiness brought back unpleasant memories of his family vault.
I walked into the cellar. 'Damn!' The cold, dim, mustiness brought back unpleasant memories of my family vault.

I like your examples for purposes of showing the differences. My one little quibble, though, is with the free indirect examples: By 'Damn' do you mean that the character says this out loud when he walks into the cellar, or that he is just thinking it? If just thinking it I don't think you'd need the quote marks. If you mean that he says it out loud I'd probably add a tag for clarity.

 

[XerXesXu]

I like your examples for purposes of showing the differences. My one little quibble, though, is with the free indirect examples: By 'Damn' do you mean that the character says this out loud when he walks into the cellar, or that he is just thinking it? If just thinking it I don't think you'd need the quote marks. If you mean that he says it out loud I'd probably add a tag for clarity.

He's saying it, as per the beat. One advantage of FIS is that you don't need to tag speech unless there's a conversation, when you may need to indicate who's speaking.

 

[MillieDynamite]

Ditto.

This is a great question. There's no one right way. I prefer italics to quotes, but I think the BEST way is to write in a free indirect style that dispenses with either. Assuming you are writing in third person, the narration is told as though from the point of view of the main character, so you don't need quotes or italics. The narration IS the inner thinking of the character. Example:


Todd walked up the stairs, nervous with anticipation. What would Miranda be wearing? A thong? A chemise? No doubt, she would look good. He stirred with arousal at the thought.


In this style, you dispense entirely with quotes, inner dialogue tags, etc. You just narrate Todd's thoughts. This is my favorite way to do this.

 

[TiberiusPrime]

I use italics a lot. Usually it's along the lines of something like this:

She thought, Oh God I needed this so bad.

I also use italics when I'm writing text messages within a story, which looks like this:

Me: Slut ready for your punishment to continue?
Sarah: Oh God, I’m at work!
Me: I told you to stop fucking talking back and complaining. This is for when you get home. Did you start treating your kids nicer?
Sarah: Yes. I even gave my son a hug, which was awkward.

I also do not put spaces between each individual's remark to differentiate it from the rest of the story, trying to make it look like an actual text message exchange.

For me, this works out the best. Oh, and if the above makes no sense, I only copied and pasted a small amount of the exchange for an example. It's from a story I'm in the middle of writing. I intentionally didn't want to give away anything.

 

[NCostello]

I appreciate the great feedback. I should have added additional detail

I've submitted about five stories, and this was the first one which was rejected, with the following note:


Please fix the formatting of your dialogue. The essay "How to Make Characters Talk" in our Writer's Resources section has more information on the formatting of dialogue if you have further questions: https://www.literotica.com/s/how-to-make-characters-talk


I read the article, and I'm cleaning up the submission...

I also should have been more explicit, it's not my inner thoughts, it is the inner thoughts of another character in the story. I was using single quotes, like this (the last sentence, this is just an example I quickly put together, I hope it works):

The train was so crowded. Suddenly the lights went out. Suddenly Lisa felt fingers touching her, and her skirt was slowly lifted up. Before she had a chance to react, the train lurched, and the fingers were replaced with something bigger, much bigger. Lisa's eyes went wide and her mind screamed 'Oh my god, some creep is touching me with his cock!'

I used single quotes as a way to ensure it wasn't confused with actual verbal dialog. But I think this may have cause additional confusion.

It could read:

Lisa's eyes went wide and her mind screamed 'Oh my god, some creep is touching me with his cock!' <-- the original
or
Lisa's eyes went wide and her mind screamed 'Oh my god, some creep is touching me with his cock'!
or
Lisa's eyes went wide and her mind screamed Oh my god, some creep is touching me with his cock!
or
something else.

Based on feedback above, I am leaning towards italics but additional thoughts are always appreciated.

 

[XerXesXu]

Texts are speech. Italics are direct speech, just as putting it in quotes, or quotes and a speech tag - 'they thought' - are classic direct attribution. They are the thoughts spoken by the character as narrator as opposed to the thoughts of the character spoken by the author/writer, as narrator. The latter is indirect attribution.

Classic works, indirect works, but indirect is the fashion amongst those who deem themselves arbiters of what 'modern' fiction should be.

 

[sinfantasy]

This is a great question. There's no one right way. I prefer italics to quotes, but I think the BEST way is to write in a free indirect style that dispenses with either. Assuming you are writing in third person, the narration is told as though from the point of view of the main character, so you don't need quotes or italics. The narration IS the inner thinking of the character. Example:


Todd walked up the stairs, nervous with anticipation. What would Miranda be wearing? A thong? A chemise? No doubt, she would look good. He stirred with arousal at the thought.


In this style, you dispense entirely with quotes, inner dialogue tags, etc. You just narrate Todd's thoughts. This is my favorite way to do this.

I usually write in the third person omniscient and this is how I prefer it.

While I have a few long stories published, honestly, I still struggle with the concept of POV. I usually pick what sounds right when read aloud.

 

[VallesMarineris]

I appreciate the great feedback. I should have added additional detail

I've submitted about five stories, and this was the first one which was rejected, with the following note:


Please fix the formatting of your dialogue. The essay "How to Make Characters Talk" in our Writer's Resources section has more information on the formatting of dialogue if you have further questions: https://www.literotica.com/s/how-to-make-characters-talk


I read the article, and I'm cleaning up the submission...

I also should have been more explicit, it's not my inner thoughts, it is the inner thoughts of another character in the story. I was using single quotes, like this (the last sentence, this is just an example I quickly put together, I hope it works):

The train was so crowded. Suddenly the lights went out. Suddenly Lisa felt fingers touching her, and her skirt was slowly lifted up. Before she had a chance to react, the train lurched, and the fingers were replaced with something bigger, much bigger. Lisa's eyes went wide and her mind screamed 'Oh my god, some creep is touching me with his cock!'

I used single quotes as a way to ensure it wasn't confused with actual verbal dialog. But I think this may have cause additional confusion.

It could read:

Lisa's eyes went wide and her mind screamed 'Oh my god, some creep is touching me with his cock!' <-- the original
or
Lisa's eyes went wide and her mind screamed 'Oh my god, some creep is touching me with his cock'!
or
Lisa's eyes went wide and her mind screamed Oh my god, some creep is touching me with his cock!
or
something else.

Based on feedback above, I am leaning towards italics but additional thoughts are always appreciated.

Lose the single quotes, as they will confuse a lot of readers. They have a special use in English text as a quote within a quote. For example:

"Your Honor," the prosecutor went on, "the witness stated, 'I did not know Ms. Jones.' Allow me to introduce into evidence a photo of him with Miss Jones at their office Christmas party."

Italics works, but put a comma after 'screamed', the way you would with quoted speech. To extend your example:

Lisa's eyes went wide and her mind screamed, Oh my god, some creep is touching me with his cock! She squealed, "Eek!", startling the other people around her.

There's no confusion in this version about what she thinks and what she says aloud.

By the way, quotes and italics are what they call in programming "syntactic sugar". That is, they're just helpful tags to help the reader parse the text, but not required. A good exercise would be to remove all quote marks and italics in your story (in a copy!) and see if you can still tell what's spoken, what's literal internal thoughts, and what's narrative. A reader should be able to tell, just from the words, which is which. If not, you need to sharpen your dialogue.

Let me suggest reading the first few pages of James Joyce's Ulysses. Joyce doesn't use quotes or italics, only a single "--" at the beginning of a paragraph. And yet it's easy to tell who is speaking or thinking. For example, here's a bit of conversation between Stephen Dedalus and his roommate (they live in a Martello tower) Buck Mulligan as Buck is performing his morning shave:

—Tell me, Mulligan, Stephen said quietly.
—Yes, my love?
—How long is Haines going to stay in this tower?
Buck Mulligan showed a shaven cheek over his right shoulder.
—God, isn't he dreadful? he said frankly. A ponderous Saxon. He thinks you're not a gentleman. God, these bloody English! Bursting with money and indigestion. Because he comes from Oxford.

Excerpt From
Ulysses
James Joyce
https://books.apple.com/us/book/ulysses/id765151079
This material may be protected by copyright.

And even those dashes are nice-to-haves.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

Frank walked into the cellar.

Damn, it's cold in here!

I find the perspective and tense shift quite jarring myself. Makes the author sound amateur.

 

[SimonDoom]

I also should have been more explicit, it's not my inner thoughts, it is the inner thoughts of another character in the story. I was using single quotes, like this (the last sentence, this is just an example I quickly put together, I hope it works):

The train was so crowded. Suddenly the lights went out. Suddenly Lisa felt fingers touching her, and her skirt was slowly lifted up. Before she had a chance to react, the train lurched, and the fingers were replaced with something bigger, much bigger. Lisa's eyes went wide and her mind screamed 'Oh my god, some creep is touching me with his cock!'

I'm a bit surprised that this would have been rejected, because it seems OK to me.

This is how I would do it in the free indirect style:

Lisa's eyes went wide. Her mind screamed. Some creep was touching her with his cock.


But this doesn't quite translate what you are trying to say, because of the absence of "My God," so I think the way you said it is OK.

My only real issue with this passage is the repetition of "suddenly." You should get rid of the second "suddenly." But this is small potatoes.

I've seen many, many stories published at Literotica with dialogue "errors" much more egregious than anything in your passage. Their filter is subjective and imperfect.