How to explain

[MissTaken]

Well, I have a couple of wonderful friends who are not into BDSM. Any interest they have is cursory, at best.

Well, it was until I started to divulge a bit about me.

Now, how do you explain to someone with no background or understanding that BDSM goes far beyond kinky sex?

Or, how have you explained this ?

 

[Richard49]

Well, I have a couple of wonderful friends who are not into BDSM. Any interest they have is cursory, at best.

Well, it was until I started to divulge a bit about me.

Now, how do you explain to someone with no background or understanding that BDSM goes far beyond kinky sex?

Or, how have you explained this ?

One specfic question at a time
offering no more then needed to answer

 

[bunny bondage]

my best friend of eight years recently asked me what a snowball is. now, she's a virgin. and when i say virgin, i mean VIRGIN. no second base, no naughty touching, nothing. hell, I'M the only person to ever see her naked, and that was by accident. now, she always stops me when i'm telling a story that gets a little too detailed for her. "NO SHARING!" is what she'll tell me. she doesn't know about, doesn't want to know about it, probably won't know about it for years to come. which is fine as far as i'm concerned, i don't want her to give it up to the wrong guy. but i digress, she asked me what a snowball is. i was at a great loss for words because i knew she would scream and hide her face if i just said "well, you suck a guy's dick, he cums in your mouth, then you kiss it back into his mouth and he swallows it." i didn't know WHAT to say. how do you delicatly explain this sort of thing? well, the answer is: you don't. i eventually had to basically spell it out and she gave me the expected "EWW!" face. i imagine you find yourself in a similar conundrum, MissT. and all i can tell you is what i found out myself. ya just gotta tell it like it is. there really IS no way to sugar-coat "he ties me up, spanks me, tells me what a naughty girl i am, and i love it." i like Richard's advice of taking it one question at a time. the only problem is, they might not know the kind of questions to ask. the most common one i recieve is the obligitory "WHY?!" which leads to me trying to explain the special kind of love a sub has for her dom, and how absolutly freeing it is to place absolute control of yourself into someone else's hands. some people, sadly, just don't get it. and i'm pretty sure they never will. it's called being closed-minded. but i hope your friends are different and you can quench their curiosity, and perhaps even awaken the D/s urges in a few of them! best of luck!

 

[lark sparrow]

Well, I have a couple of wonderful friends who are not into BDSM. Any interest they have is cursory, at best.

Well, it was until I started to divulge a bit about me.

Now, how do you explain to someone with no background or understanding that BDSM goes far beyond kinky sex?

Or, how have you explained this ?

I am "out" to just about everyone now (immediate family and close friends), in fact, just recently with my mother (who is a MFCC - they always have the "weirdest" kids ), and her main concern that was that I was not hurting others or being hurt "in the name of love"... giggles... and how I could possibly be a submissive!

Her husband is a thrill-seeker in terms of mountain climbing and hiking, and he is also exceptionally safe and sane - so I couched it in those terms for her. The psycho-babble, well I just skipped it - I told her I was past the point of analyzing it, been there, done that... feel free to talk to me in more depth when or if you can accept that it is a "safe, sane and consensual" practice. Our relationship hasn't suffered at all, but the topic has been left alone to mature a bit. I'm sure it will come up again someday.

I have tried to think about how all these conversations have gone but there is no formula - they have all come up in different ways, and each had different questions, concerns, and ways of explaining that made sense to them. I think Richard had a good idea in answering specific questions directly, but not going overboard on explanation or information that they cannot process, yet.

Good luck Miss T.

Edited to add - most people I have spoken to are pretty accepting and even positively intrigued. Moms withstanding (gotta love the Moms though ).

 

[Pleasurekitten]

Well, I have a couple of wonderful friends who are not into BDSM. Any interest they have is cursory, at best.

Well, it was until I started to divulge a bit about me.

Now, how do you explain to someone with no background or understanding that BDSM goes far beyond kinky sex?

Or, how have you explained this ?

This is a good question but to extend it a little........

My question would be: Do you wait until your friends show some interest in it and start asking their own questions before you begin to explain, or do you have a desire for them to know more about you, and therefore feel that you should initiate such a conversation with them?

 

[bunny bondage]

Re: Re: How to explain

This is a good question but to extend it a little........

My question would be: Do you wait until your friends show some interest in it and start asking their own questions before you begin to explain, or do you have a desire for them to know more about you, and therefore feel that you should initiate such a conversation with them?

i wouldn't really want anyone to volunteer specifics about their sex life if i didn't want to hear, or if what they did offended me, so i respect this same rule and keep my mouth shut. but of course, i can't help but drop subtle hints, see if they're picked up on. naturally, they were, and i've discovered that i seem to have three dom male friends and a nilla female friend. (these are the only people who really know). conversations like this shouldn't be forced, exploded into existance, or dropped like a bomb. i provide clues, nothing more, and if the friend is interested, then they seek more information from me, which i am quite happy to provide.

my dad, on the other hand, has absolutly no desire to know anything about my sex life and i really don't want to share. no hints, no subtle jokes, nothing. that's just icky. we have a close friendship, but i draw the line there.

argh, i'm sleepy, i promise to make more sense in the future.

 

[Justina123]

My question would be: Do you wait until your friends show some interest in it and start asking their own questions before you begin to explain, or do you have a desire for them to know more about you, and therefore feel that you should initiate such a conversation with them?

Personally, I have diffierent kinds of friends, but a few fellow single girlfriends with whom we do the "girl talk" stuff every so often, where we share all kinds of intimate details over a glass of wine on what we call Girls Night Out. These friends know quite a bit about me.

I have other friends with whom I would never think of discussing that type of stuff...it just depends. But these are the ones I can talk about what to do when the 10 year old thinks he's a teenager and bedtime should no longer apply, the 16 year old thinks its way past time when she should have a drivers license, etc. etc.

So a wide range of friends is a nice thing!

-justina

 

[MissTaken]

The question generates from friends I have in real life who are on line with me as well.

They know I am here.

They have read some of my posts.

Now, honestly, I don't post a lot of personal information, but tend to keep my comments open ended and general, as some of you may have noticed.

Well, more than once, when discussing this with someone who is interested in learning more I feel challenged in terms of how to explain the intensely personal need involved and that submission goes far beyond being told what to do and do it.

*giggles* The first time I "came out" it was with a non BDSM lover. His response was very predictable. "Blow me!"

People who know me in real llife, know me as an independent and assertive person. This conflicts with their limited understanding of BDSM and submission. That isn't to say there is no respect, but I feel like a novelty, an anomaly, someone to be intrigued by rather than understood.

Is BDSM something someone not in the lifestyle can truly understand without having any need or drive to engage in it?

I don't know.
So far, I haven't found the words

 

[Guest]

 

[snoozebutton]

Well, I have a couple of wonderful friends who are not into BDSM. Any interest they have is cursory, at best.

Well, it was until I started to divulge a bit about me.

Now, how do you explain to someone with no background or understanding that BDSM goes far beyond kinky sex?

Or, how have you explained this ?

I have to say this is where being a Dominant male makes it easier to explain. I have told my friends and family, well cept Mom will tell her if the time is right. The most common statement I recieve is about whips and chains. Usually after I explain what the true relationship is they cut down on the jokes but my brothers and sis still tease me and thats fine because thats what we do to each other and if they didn't say a word about it then I would have worried.

 

[slvjenn]

Hrmm..I'm not "out" to many people. But a few know and they've all mostly just excepted it without too many questions. Most have heard of it to some degree.

I distinctly remember a number of years back sitting in a friend's friend's dorm room (quite drunk and high) and the subject came up.

I found that he was a dominant before he found out I was a submissive. We never hit it off but it was much easier to explain to the others with an ally so to speak.

I think there are a lot of things that can be explained easier than others. Some ideas on things that relate that a vanilla might understand....

1) fingernails down the back. I know some guys who brag about this as some kind of tarzan like bragging right. Deep scabbed scratches down the back and for some reason they think it's great...Use something like that as a medaphore (sp?) Explain the reasons why the scratches were ok during sex, but if someone tried it at another time it would be cause for screaming for his mommy. I've found that a lot of people like some form of mild pain during sex and just don't realize they do. Use that to help explain your side.

2) not sure if you like any form of humiliation, but if you do you could explain how similar embarassment is to arousal. How the blood flow to your face and breasts when ashamed are nearly identical to when you are arroused. (that's why we wear blush)

3) Bondage i've always found more difficult to explain. I think it might be easier to explain from the dominant side. For the dominant seeing his partner helpless and at his mercy. From the submissive side I think it's harder to give an understanding of why that is so great...

Specific questions from them i'm sure will help you along. Take it slow. Don't tell them about a bullwhipping before a spanking.

Some just won't "get it" but I think that's only because they aren't opening their mind to something they might not have ever tried. I'm not saying everyone should like it, but everyone should be able to understand it if they allow themselves to.

 

[His_sugar]

i guess i have been blessed with very good circumstances in my life. my Grandfather and grandmother lived the lifestyle, all their lives. my Papaw ( as i called Him ) referred to my mamaw as His sweet one always. she called Him Master until the day He died. In public, private, family functions.. always. i think i knew i was a submissive from a very early age because i was blessed to see their relationship first hand. my family has always known about my lifestyle choices, as well as my friends. i am lucky that even my friends that don't understand, have never been judgemental. Strangers rarely look at me as if i am anything other than a female.. not like i have pink spots on my nose.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Well, I have a couple of wonderful friends who are not into BDSM. Any interest they have is cursory, at best.

Well, it was until I started to divulge a bit about me.

Now, how do you explain to someone with no background or understanding that BDSM goes far beyond kinky sex?

Or, how have you explained this ?

When I explained submissiveness to my honey.. I explained that it was a desire to serve in all facets of life. To serve the one who I love. The one who I adore. And that meant anticipating all needs and meeting those needs, and it meant knowing what they want, and doing that for him/her.

Dominance is about love, protection, control, and yet.. it's about serving in it's own way. It's about using your position of power to show your sub that they make you proud, that they make you happy.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Well, I have a couple of wonderful friends who are not into BDSM. Any interest they have is cursory, at best.

Well, it was until I started to divulge a bit about me.

Now, how do you explain to someone with no background or understanding that BDSM goes far beyond kinky sex?

Or, how have you explained this ?

I personally do not bother to try.

 

[Richard49]

i guess i have been blessed with very good circumstances in my life. my Grandfather and grandmother lived the lifestyle, all their lives. my Papaw ( as i called Him ) referred to my mamaw as His sweet one always. she called Him Master until the day He died. In public, private, family functions.. always. i think i knew i was a submissive from a very early age because i was blessed to see their relationship first hand. my family has always known about my lifestyle choices, as well as my friends. i am lucky that even my friends that don't understand, have never been judgemental. Strangers rarely look at me as if i am anything other than a female.. not like i have pink spots on my nose.

damn you are lucky

 

[Richard49]

Re: Re: How to explain

One specfic question at a time
offering no more then needed to answer

I still stick to this answer

 

[Richard49]

Re: Re: Re: How to explain

I still stick to this answer

bump

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I'll stick to name, rank, and serial number, for the time being. I live in 'Mayberry', ok? If I try to tell someone that I meet a woman on a regular basis, for the purpose of using her for my pleasure, including bondage and flogging, they would likely freak out in a big way...and if word got out, I might even lose my job.

 

[lark sparrow]

i guess i have been blessed with very good circumstances in my life. my Grandfather and grandmother lived the lifestyle, all their lives.

Giggles.. heeeey, now that I think about it most of my family did too! At family gatherings all the "submissive" females cooked dinner while the "Masterful" men waited... then after dinner all the "Masters" went to watch sports on TV while the "subs" went to the kitchen to clean, only interrupted in their domestic service to bring the "Masters" beer upon request so as not to interrupt their very dedicated and important TV watching after a challenging and Domly half an hour of eating.

 

[emer]

I'm still new here and definitely new to BDSM. This thread made me giggle today because we are going to have a Bike Rally/Gathering here next weekend and my best friend commented that I'd probably be sweating and panting over all the "tough guys" riding around. She's known me for awhile and has seen me change from SuperMom and SuperWife to "SuperSlut"

I know that image isn't everything but being new to this and not knowing what to look for, i tend to want the guys driving trucks or Harleys, instead of the guys with surf racks or peace stickers.

To stick to the topic, which for me is somewhat difficult cause I'm so wordy ... she knows i'm interested in finding a Dominant Man. And her only concern is my safety so i've confided in her about the men I talk to online, just so if i disappear she knows who to point to. Otherwise she thinks I'm nuts but loves me anyway.

I do have goofy friends that I feel comfortable talking about kinky sex and toys with. Not people I hang out with or know well, but we sometimes have time at work to be silly and this is what we talk about.

Actually, the silly friends probably know more about me than the best friend. But ... if she asked, I'd be honest. Or if I needed to talk, she'd listen. And not judge or be negative.

 

[Quint]

MissT, I think whether or not a person who does not desire D/s can understand it is totally dependent upon that person.

I have met two men who were not into it before they met me. They would not have cared to learn about it were it not for me. But because they were both interested in relationships with me, they took time to learn about that which I was so interested in. One of them tells me that he would definitely incorporate it with his partners in the future; one is nilla, still. I would say they both understand the mentality of it, although it may not appeal.

I have fewer female friends and those I have are already quite aware of their desire for power exchange, so I can't compare.

 

[Pure]

Hmmm explanation.

I haven't had that prob., but I would explain in terms of 'kink'. Most people have one. Often a person knows the history of his/her kink; i.e., their nanny wore this type of bra or stockings. This is more regarding the SM ideas.

But from 'kink' one could go to the kind of theatre typical of most consensual 'dominance' and 'submission'. My opinion and impression is that most DS stuff is male paying to receive something, which clearly makes it a kind of kink-- like having the woman wear fishnet stockings.

 

[Netzach]

I don't try to explain that it goes "beyond" kinky sex, because it's really not necessary to me that anyone think it does.

Most of my friends are 20-something early 30 and very much of the overeducated left-wing queer or queer allied ilk, not all but most. That one's sexuality goes beyond tabs and slots and is literally a part of a person's *identity* is really not such a hard concept for them to understand, in fact it's often harder to put the sex BACK in sexuality questions than it is to take it out.

People very close to me know, just as they know I like sex with all genders (depending on the representative of said gender, of course)

Otherwise it's all on a need-to-know basis.

Heh, I have to laugh at lark sparrow's family gathering analogy. At Passover I always caused consternation as a kid because I *refused* to help with the slave labor after seder, sitting with the men, at first it was considered cute, during teenage years it was considered rude and was the cause of many fascinating family fights.

I consider it a mark of maturity that I'm happy to help the femslave family members with the dishes, for crying out loud, they don't kill you.

/hijack

 

[lark sparrow]

<snip>Heh, I have to laugh at lark sparrow's family gathering analogy. At Passover I always caused consternation as a kid because I *refused* to help with the slave labor after seder, sitting with the men, at first it was considered cute, during teenage years it was considered rude and was the cause of many fascinating family fights.

I consider it a mark of maturity that I'm happy to help the femslave family members with the dishes, for crying out loud, they don't kill you.

lol You too? That pretty much describes my path. I help now in the kitchen, and actually get a kick out of it as something unique. I get the feeling on either side, "oh, so this is how the other half lives." It's kind of a bonding experience between the generations, taking my place among the women folk for those extended family gatherings./hijack

Now, how do you explain to someone with no background or understanding that BDSM goes far beyond kinky sex? Or, how have you explained this ?

 

[jon.hayworth]

What an interesting and thought provoking thread.

I am sorry for digressing , but being a Brit sometimes have problems with your abreviations what is Larksparrows mother - MFCC - I am wracking my brains and sure my imagination has gone off at a tangent.

jon