How to dump someone tactfully?

[PinkOrchid]

 

[sheath]

I've had to do this a few times. I usually just said, "You know what? I don't think we are compatible. I like you, and I would love to know what is happening in your life every now and then, but this relationship isn't going to go anywhere."

Then, I was VERY patient while he asked all those questions..."why, did I do something wrong, what don't you like about me, I thought you felt the same way..." All those questions WILL come, and for me, that was the point that determined whether or not a friendship could grow out of the ending of the 'internet' thing.

And sure enough, if I was patient enough with those questions, and perfectly honest, I kept them as friends. I've met some really wonderful men online, and though the relationships didn't work out, the resulting friendships have been WELL worth the time.

Of course, if I didn't care to keep him as a friend, I would tell him that, too. And then, we never spoke again, which was fine with me. By then, he was so much of an ass that I was being a jerk toward him anyway, and we ended with mutual dislike.

S.

 

[Amfig]

Just say politely, but firmly, "this isn't working out for me. Not working out the way I had hoped for." Then leave.

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Fox]

I'm not sure it's worth 2 cents...

Hey Orchid. I'm not sure that my advice is really worth the 2 cents that some people feel such advice is, but I'll offer it anyway. Whatever you do, don't tell them that you're sleeping with your roommate that you denied sleeping with earlier... Trust me... just not a place you want to go... *shrugs*

Cheers, and good luck!

 

[PinkOrchid]

Re: I'm not sure it's worth 2 cents...

 

[SexyChele]

When I was doing the internet dating thing, I found myself in the same dilemma. I think everyone does! I think Sheath offered the best advice, though I was never really interested in keeping them as "friends".

Normally, at the first meeting, you get a feeling as to whether you want to go out with a person or not. If you don't, at the conclusion of the meeting, simply state that you don't think things will work out between you, but you wish them well on their search. If they ask why, I usually lowered the boom. Cruel? Maybe. But hey, if I'm honest with them then maybe they won't make the same mistake the next time. If you go the honest route, try to temper the blow. Think of yourself being on the other side of the table. Think of how you would like yourself to be let down. That always helped me choose my words.

Good luck - it can be a jungle out there, but when you find some one who fits you it truly is wonderful!

 

[Lust Engine]

Sometimes when those insecure responses come up, I just want to say, "see, this is why I don't want date you." But I'm trying VERY hard to be nice and polite (a new concept for me, lol).

Sometimes they can just be total clods & need to be told bluntly, "it's not gonna work out". It's nothing personal at all. No need to spell out all the details actually; but maybe thank them for that wee bit of time you did spend together but not an iota beyond that. Sometimes short & sweet is better without getting too emotional about it.

 

[Noor]

I always go the polite honest route. There is no point in being mean and hurting someone needlessly. You never know who will be make a difference in your life later on, the guy you meanly dump today maybe the guy who decides on a work contract for you in a couple years. Also if you went out with them more than once, there was something you liked about them and maybe they would be okay friends or acquaintances.

I have a friend who does quite a lot of internet dating, even date stacking and she is always polite and honest to the guys she isn't interested in, says things like Sheath said. Many times these guys have turned out to be good things in the long run as friends.
One guy she saw a few times, it wasn't working out so she told him. About a month later he called her and told her about a friend of his who needed a date to an event. She spoke with this friend of his, he seemed all right so she went with him to the event, they had fun but he wasn't for her. Again she was honest and polite.
About a month later her car needed work and she would have to wait for parts. The second guy offered to lend her one of his cars while she was waiting in exchange for her cooking him dinner once a week, he lent her the car for a month! Then he introduced her to one of his friends whom she really liked.

I would be very careful about lies and deception like telling a guy you just aren't doing internet dating anymore and then sign on as a new person. Other people will notice and you won’t look very good.

I try and live my personal life in the same manner as my professional one, if anything I treat the people in my personal life better. Jobs come and go, lovers do too but friends can last a lifetime and are much more important.

 

[Lust Engine]

Noor...sounds wonderful!

It's never easy to say "see ya" but I try to look at it as "why am I still here"??

If you really hate the movie, walk out... but no need to cause a ruckus as you exit either.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

If you just can't bear to be as blunt as you need to there's always - "I have met another guy that I am dating and its getting serious. I just can't juggle two men at once." Its a little white lie that might save some feelings (ok its a cop out for those of us who cannot face confrontation!) But it works too.....

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Could you give lessons? I could use some 'bitchyness'!lol

 

[wanton wonton]

I agree with sheath and sexychele and most of the responses so far that the best way to end is the polite and honest way. I used to get defensive and give all kinds of reasons that were really white lies which confused the guys more than a straightforward reason would have.


Breaking it off early is better than late, too. Unless they've been hiding something significant from you all along--like they're married.

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Well the cutest internet 'dump' I ever got was this guy telling me we couldn't go out again cuz I was just his type and he'd fall in love with me! I laughed right into the phone - so he started laughing too. Now we're very good friends. Which is nice.

 

[Amfig]

The problem isn't at the first meeting, no one really seems to expect anything then, but afterward. And on the rare occasion it would happen on a first date, there are the questions Sheath mentioned. Sometimes when those insecure responses come up, I just want to say, "see, this is why I don't want date you." But I'm trying VERY hard to be nice and polite (a new concept for me, lol).

That's why it isn't working out for YOU. Guys seem to want to "understand." I'm sorry, but understanding is just a way of trying to "fix" things. If there's nothing to be fixed there's no reason to go on. I agree that the "questions" crap is a good reason not to want to continue seeing someone.

 

[Lust Engine]

Crazybbw--my problem is I'm often TOO blunt and don't want to come across as mean or bitchy. People who know me know how to take what I say, but strangers in a sensitive situation don't, so I'm trying to be a little more careful.

I think if you're being honest with them, I think the bitchiness factor is lessened if not totally eliminated. It could very well hurt them short term, but in the long run you're doing BOTH of you guys a favor.

Besides I've seen your sensitive nature here; I'd hardly call you bitchy.

 

[SexyChele]

Crazybbw--my problem is I'm often TOO blunt and don't want to come across as mean or bitchy. People who know me know how to take what I say, but strangers in a sensitive situation don't, so I'm trying to be a little more careful.

I agree with LE - I've never seen you "blunt" or "bitchy". You strike me as some one who holds no punches, but always in a very well-spoken, articulate way. You hidin' out on us here?

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[SexyChele]

lol, well I certainly have my moments. I think I just feel my patience is being tried by certain aspects of this experience. My inner bitch is trying to claw her way out.

Damn, it's amazing what a woman has to go through to find a good fuck these days.

Damn, I can relate to this!! But hang on! If you find that one, it makes meeting all these other guys worth it! I know. I found a keeper a few months back. Can't believe he was in my own backyard (almost). It does pay off, but like they said about those turkeys....

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[watergirl]

Interesting timing for this subject... how do you do it gracefully?

Sexy-Chele, sometimes we are who we are... I too try to reign in the bitchiness, it doesn't always work. But good friends are worth keeping, even when you're having trouble communicating with each other sanely, so I try to work through things...

I used to be much bitchier with people than I am now. I've sent some flaming letters that litsters would be proud of. And, some very good lit foks (thank you Johnny) have talked me out of sending some...

Good luck. Just be true to yourself.

 

[jenlovesamy]

Jeez O, you could have just said it was over. *sniff*

I cannot give any advice on this one, I have no tactful way of doing this. I think the only time I ever told someone I wasn't interested I think I just came right out and said I'm sorry, you seem like a really nice guy but I'm just not interested. And I felt like the worlds largest asshole, not sure why, but I did.