How to describe feelings you haven't experienced

[GrantBricksly]

I'm sure this may have been touched on at some point..but I'm going to ask anyways.

I tend to write from the third person point of view. And sometimes (like my current story) I try to include the thoughts and feelings of all my characters. Now, I'd like to think that I do a decent job of conveying the thoughts and feelings and experiences of the women in my stories. I often turn to my wife for help.

But here is the problem I sometimes run into. Sometimes, when I want to describe, in "poetic detail" something like a sexual act that is happening to the woman. Something that I, as a man, am incapable of experiencing, I find myself unable to come up with the words. I'll turn to my wife and say "OK, so, you remember the other day when I did "this" to you...Can you describe to me how that felt? I am trying to describe it for my story, and am having trouble..."

But...my wife...not a writer. and often times, her response to that is "Oh My God..It felt good..Like Really good." and thats about all I'll get.....

So, what do I do then? Do I abandon my attempt to describe the act from the woman's perspective?

 

[nice90sguy]

Are you talking about sex or orgasms? I'm pretty sure that women experience orgasms in a pretty similar way that men do, but perhaps with slightly less craving for canned fruit afterwards.

 

[GrantBricksly]

Feelings I can handle, and again, when I have any questions, my wife is helpful enough to fill in the blanks.

Orgasms and general sex, again, no big deal. But more specific acts, and how they feel...I do not have a clit. And as a result while I can imagine the stimulations that I do to one, Can I ever truly know how it feels?

I recently wrote out a scene where I described a blowjob, in more detail than I have ever done before. It is probably the best sex scene I've ever written (in my opinion) And I'd like to be able to do the same when I do a cunnilingus scene..

Again, I have some ideas...I would just like to give it some "poetic detail" and without a more intimate knowledge of how it feels (which I can only get from someone who has felt it, as I cannot experience it myself) I cannot do that effectively.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

I think the answer is to read and research. There are a couple of threads around on this topic, but there are also the more scientific works like The Hite Report, works by Masters and Johnson and so forth. Some of them are now considered less-than-perfect and much of it is pretty clinical, but they are still informative.

That you are asking suggests that you will succeed.

 

[KeithD]

Read how others have done the description and use them to form your own expressions.

 

[Voboy]

You're a writer, OP. Writers use their imagination. It's how I write about space travel, or ancient Rome, or being a dick, or (yes) the female orgasm: I use my imagination. You can use yours, too.

You don't think all women orgasm the exact same way, surely? So why would you care to get it "accurate?"

Just write. That's all you've got to do: just write.

 

[SimonDoom]

I think you're overthinking it. Put yourself in the shoes of the person and let your imagination run free to imagine what it's like. You'll probably do just fine.

 

[lovecraft68]

I thought we were writers? Shouldn't a writer be able to figure out how to convey what their characters are feeling? If it needs to be explained in perfect detail maybe fiction isn't cut out for some. There is also the out that you're telling the reader what the character feels so in a way, you can't be wrong.

Keep in mind, writing is a craft and its something that like anything else, the more you do it, the more you experiment and the more hits and misses you have, the better you get. Do the best you can and if you feel, or the readers comment, that you fell short well....get up, dust off look at what you did and try to do better.

 

[GrantBricksly]

fair enough. I guess this is just me trying to improve and get better. I've written things before, and I want to improve upon the things I've done in the past. Again, I think i'm drawing from the scene I wrote a few days ago. It is by far the best sex scene I've ever written in my opinion. (I guess I'll have to wait and see if readers agree) And I just hope to continue that in other ways.

Yes I am the writer, and the creator of my characters, so in a sense, how can anything I've written about their feelings be inaccurate. But then again, if I write that she feels something and every woman that reads it says "Oh My God..this guy has no clue what he's talking about" then I have failed. So, my goal is to avoid that.

 

[Euphony]

if I write that she feels something and every woman that reads it says "Oh My God..this guy has no clue what he's talking about"

That seems a bit more of binary thinking which isn't the best tool in approaching the kaleidoscope that is a person's individual sexual response.

At some level, you won't be able to write beyond "what you know." But neither will a woman be able to write another woman's feelings either. And I trust (quality) readers to understand that.

If you are willing to assume female sexual experience is a "wider spectrum," then it stands to reason, woman are also more forgiving of not getting their exact favorite flavor of ice cream each time out. Maybe it's not all about the taste but about feeling the temperature change in their mouth (body experience) or finally getting to be out in public (feeling social) or even just as an act of self care. (I'm worthy of a bit of a frivolous purchase. I'm the girl who does the best she can as much as she can and taking care of myself helps me BE my BEST self, and so many other possible thoughts kicked off by "mere" fudge ripple.)

And that's just Baskins Robbins, not the more "soul defining" act of sexual experience.

If you are unsure of your ability in a sphere, I'd start by learning the cliches to avoid them. At best, they're overused, worst a spotlight on an out of towner.

And if you write to understand the world around you (narratively "traveling" to experience places/lives you've never been or lived) just be cognizant of your differences and respectful of those living that life (I do a TON of research. Seek out information someone cut off from their "group" might.)

Just do your best but know your "realism" has a ceiling, it not being your life.

So much out there doesn't even TRY so being concerned of falling flat on your face (if you stay mindful) seems unnecessary.

Go forth and create. Gather as wide a range of criticisms as you can and act on them intellectually honestly.

You'll be more than fine. Especially in this amateur space.

 

[MelissaBaby]

I thought we were writers? Shouldn't a writer be able to figure out how to convey what their characters are feeling? If it needs to be explained in perfect detail maybe fiction isn't cut out for some. There is also the out that you're telling the reader what the character feels so in a way, you can't be wrong.

Keep in mind, writing is a craft and its something that like anything else, the more you do it, the more you experiment and the more hits and misses you have, the better you get. Do the best you can and if you feel, or the readers comment, that you fell short well....get up, dust off look at what you did and try to do better.

Not thinking of any particular individuals, but I think that a lot of writers are introverts, and don't often make close enough connections with people unlike themselves to be feel confident in taking their perspective.

 

[SimonDoom]

fair enough. I guess this is just me trying to improve and get better. I've written things before, and I want to improve upon the things I've done in the past. Again, I think i'm drawing from the scene I wrote a few days ago. It is by far the best sex scene I've ever written in my opinion. (I guess I'll have to wait and see if readers agree) And I just hope to continue that in other ways.

Yes I am the writer, and the creator of my characters, so in a sense, how can anything I've written about their feelings be inaccurate. But then again, if I write that she feels something and every woman that reads it says "Oh My God..this guy has no clue what he's talking about" then I have failed. So, my goal is to avoid that.

There are a ton of different ways to approach writing an experience with which you are not personally familiar, but I think the main thing is to imagine yourself in that situation, as a thinking, feeling person. In other words, you can "write what you know" even when you are writing about something you do not know. Doing things this way is likely to convey a feeling of authenticity, because you will be writing about feelings with which you are familiar.

 

[Jackie.Hikaru]

I cast my vote into the 'read more!' hat. Try reading erotic works by women authors from a woman's POV. Turns out there's plenty of that on lit

 

[jehoram]

I cast my vote into the 'read more!' hat. Try reading erotic works by women authors from a woman's POV. Turns out there's plenty of that on lit

The Nancy Friday books are good for that, I've heard.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

The Nancy Friday books are good for that, I've heard.

The later ones are probably more relevant. The early ones (women who came of age in the 60s and 70s or even earlier) are actually kinda depressing in a 'I knew feminism was needed in the 70s but I didn't know it was this bad' way.

I read them in reverse order which was probably a good thing - Women on Top and Men in Love were both full of women wanting all sorts of sex (and men just starting to admit they might like not being macho), but Forbidden Flowers and My Secret Garden had women hardly daring to imagine a positive sex life for themselves and just hoping their husbands wouldn't be abusive. And dogs.

Apparently Friday died in 2017 but another book was published in 2009: Beyond My Control: Forbidden Fantasies in an Uncensored Age. That might be very interesting (I predict more acceptance of same-sex fantasies, marriage not being mentioned as much, the Swept Away fantasy maintaining a narrowed niche).

 

[Escierto]

Based on my experience I can understand the OP’s question. I always wondered what sex was like from a woman’s perspective especially being penetrated and taking a cock. After being fucked by my transgender girlfriend, I have a much better idea. Of course I don’t have a pussy so it’s not quite the same but I definitely have a better idea what it’s like. Being fucked is exquisite in many ways and it’s amazing to have someone’s cum inside you. I think every man should experience it.

 

[Athalia]

The later ones are probably more relevant. The early ones (women who came of age in the 60s and 70s or even earlier) are actually kinda depressing in a 'I knew feminism was needed in the 70s but I didn't know it was this bad' way.

I read them in reverse order which was probably a good thing - Women on Top and Men in Love were both full of women wanting all sorts of sex (and men just starting to admit they might like not being macho), but Forbidden Flowers and My Secret Garden had women hardly daring to imagine a positive sex life for themselves and just hoping their husbands wouldn't be abusive. And dogs.

One can see them as a sort of coming-of-age progression. Of course, I started reading those in the seventies when I myself was having trouble imagining a positive sex life for myself, so I could relate to that. Maybe it's different now. I hope so.

 

[Alitaptap]

Oh, I do this thing where I choose a song that I think encapsulates either the character or their state of being. Sometimes even thinking, “Oh, maybe this character would choose that song or play it in their room or while driving.” Then, while half-listening, I write.

In a way, it shuts off my logical brain and I can fully embody their state of mind, to feel and think what they are experiencing. It kind of removes limitations in my own thinking, and allows me to step out of myself for a little bit.

I did this for a scene of a story I’m currently writing and it helped me, so I hope this helps you too!

 

[EmilyMiller]

I'm sure this may have been touched on at some point..but I'm going to ask anyways.

I tend to write from the third person point of view. And sometimes (like my current story) I try to include the thoughts and feelings of all my characters. Now, I'd like to think that I do a decent job of conveying the thoughts and feelings and experiences of the women in my stories. I often turn to my wife for help.

But here is the problem I sometimes run into. Sometimes, when I want to describe, in "poetic detail" something like a sexual act that is happening to the woman. Something that I, as a man, am incapable of experiencing, I find myself unable to come up with the words. I'll turn to my wife and say "OK, so, you remember the other day when I did "this" to you...Can you describe to me how that felt? I am trying to describe it for my story, and am having trouble..."

But...my wife...not a writer. and often times, her response to that is "Oh My God..It felt good..Like Really good." and thats about all I'll get.....

So, what do I do then? Do I abandon my attempt to describe the act from the woman's perspective?

I had this challenge when writing my Futanari fantasy (Something Has Come Up). I borrowed three male Lit friends to tell me what it feels like to have an erection, to play with your cock, to receive a BJ and so on.

Em

 

[EmilyMiller]

I had this challenge when writing my Futanari fantasy (Something Has Come Up). I borrowed three male Lit friends to tell me what it feels like to have an erection, to play with your cock, to receive a BJ and so on.

Em

Most of what I write is first person with me as the protagonist (I am doing a third person lesbian series, so complicated who “she” or “her” is referring to), but my boyfriend and I also talked about him helping me to write a male-focussed first person story.

I suppose what I have found out (and been told by others) it’s not like men and women are different species. There seems to be substantial overlaps, with obvious differences.

I also had a idea about an intreracial story, based on a girl with South Korean heritage I knew at college (no doubt also influenced by my liking of k drama). But I was a bit concerned about her POV. I means she’s as American as me, but I thought I might get some cultural stuff wrong. Not that culture features massively in my writing .

Em

 

[CTR69]

Reading experience. Reading other works, which make you excited and see which words they used to achieve that.

 

[yukonnights]

I think it's always handy to recall this > At around the sixth week a baby will develop a small bud called the genital tuber at the site of the genitals. This will look the same for boys and girls until around the 9th week when the sex organs begin to form. By the end of the 20th week, the external sex organs should be fully formed for both male and female babies.

In short, there are similarities between male and female sexual nerves. The exterior will eventually look different, but the internal nerves and such have similar wiring. Authors of erotica should be able to have enough common ground / empathy to craft believable descriptions of the opposite gender.

Yes, to reading erotica by authors of the opposite gender — what better source could there be?

 

[Britva415]

I think it's always handy to recall this > You're writing about people.