How To Deal With....

[Native Alien]

Those emotional bottomless pits? You know the people that I am talking about. The ones that have to be constantly reassured and emotionally supported. The ones that blow every little thing out of proportion until you get tired of hearing about their problems. They need the constant attention of everyone around them.

Any tips or ideas would be greatly appreciated.

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[lovechild27]

Pinks so smart....

 

[wicked woman]

Personally I don't mind giving a lot emotionally if the relationship is worth it to me...it takes a toll on me but I'll gladly do it. I used to do it for any one and every one but no more...it's just too draining and I'm not prepared to do it for any one but a best friend or lover or family member. I've had friends that I knew would demand more than I was prepared to give...I just keep them at a distance. Maybe it's cruel...I prefer to think of it as self-perservation.

 

[ChainedEros]

I definitely would not enable their behavior.

I believe that some people are emotionally manipulative. They choose to behave the way they do because they enjoy the reactions they get from other people. "Needing attention" all of the time is a prime example. No one needs attention all of the time. However, if you give it to them every time they behave in a needy manner, then they will continue to behave in a needy manner.

Someone has to break the pattern at some point.

 

[warrior queen]

learn to say 'no', and mean it.

 

[CWatson]

In addition to what everyone else has said (which is spot-on):

Are you looking for advice on how to be more supportive of them (IE help them figure this thing out) or on how to politely deflect them?

If you're trying to help: Be sympathetic, but don't let them come to depend on you. Your friend has to realize that the only person who can really dig them out of that bottomless pit... Is his- or herself. It's not that you don't WANT to help them, it's that you CAN'T. This is THEIR problem, and no one else can solve it. It's just as simple as that.

If you're trying to deflect them: Just don't react. When they realize you're not going to give them what they want (sympathy, attention, etc), they'll stop asking you for it. They'll be disappointed, but they won't write you off entirely; there are simply things we can't talk to certain people about. You'll be placed in the category of Can't Whine About My Life To, nothing more.

 

[Native Alien]

Actually, I was just being curious after a very good friend got involved with a woman who is one of these people. Thank you to all who have responded to this point and I would really like to hear more.

 

[capricious_chic]

Actually, I was just being curious after a very good friend got involved with a woman who is one of these people. Thank you to all who have responded to this point and I would really like to hear more.

One has to wonder what attracted your friend to her to begin with. Odds are that this behavior didn't just appear one day, so something about it attracted him to it. Perhaps he feels he can protect her and help her. For it to continue, he has to be enabling it. Perhaps he has a part of him that is a caregiver and enjoys it?

I really don't have much advice, simply because I am considered fairly mean as I don't encourage this type of behavior. When someone approaches me with it, I immediately put a stop to it in word or deed. I do have friends who do this, just not to me.

 

[Native Alien]

No, I think that he thought that it was going to be a sexual relationship only. At least that is the way that it was initially put to him. But now the demands for all of his time and attention to be spent on her are getting out of hand.

 

[capricious_chic]

Ah! Then nothing will be lost by ending the relationship.

 

[Noor]

No, I think that he thought that it was going to be a sexual relationship only. At least that is the way that it was initially put to him. But now the demands for all of his time and attention to be spent on her are getting out of hand.

Interesting and has he explained that to her? If he spending time and attention on her, she also spending it on him. There are always two sides to every story.

I can think of one person who seemed to think it was okay to complain and talk to me about his problems but not vice versa and with whom I would have preferred to have had sex. When I asked him questions, he "reassured" me when I had not asked for it, reassurances that meant nothing anyway because everything he said he would not do, he did anyway.

My advice is more and better sex, hard to think about being upset when you are having great sex. Sexual healing is always nice and benefits both parties.

just my crabby opinion at the moment.

 

[Native Alien]

She is a pillow princess. You know, the ones that are only interested in their own gratification. Plus she is the one that started the relationship. I should mention that she is married and I am not talking about her husband here. The friend is a poly as is she and her husband.

 

[Noor]

She is a pillow princess. You know, the ones that are only interested in their own gratification. Plus she is the one that started the relationship. I should mention that she is married and I am not talking about her husband here. The friend is a poly as is she and her husband.

Oh I see, makes more sense now. Maybe he should get out unless he is attached to her. If he is attached to her he should explain that he can not deal with this stuff.

 

[bashfull]

My advice, if they are emotionally draining and always complaining, is to agree with them and place the ball back in their court. E.g. "I feel for you. That does suck. It isn't your fault. So, what are you going to do about it?" or "Your boss is horrible. Want me to proof your resume or help read the Want ads?" If you allow these individuals to constantly and consistently take from you; to be "the victim", then they win.

Guess this wouldn't make me a very good friend, but then I make it a point not to surround myself with those who constantly seek attention though negativity and refuse to accept responsibility for their own life.

This is not to be confused with a friend who occassionally blows off steam and is looking for a sympathetic ear or a comforting shoulder.

Bash

 

[Native Alien]

Ahhh...bashful how could anyone not want to be your friend?

Seriously, thank you all for your thoughts on this subject. I keep telling him that he needs to get out of this one.