How to broach the question...

[holdmetighter]

Hi guys...

I'm pretty new here, although I've lurked for a bit I've never posted. So first of all, hi!

So I'm sort of interested in BDSM, more specifically in being a sub. I have been for a while now, but never really had the courage to explore it with anyone other than myself.

And really, if you do find a guy that you like, how do you broach the subject of being a sub and him being a Dom? Or just exploring BDSM at all?

 

[Thegirl1987]

Well, hello and welcome!

As anyone will tell you communication is key.

When you find someone you are interested in and you start being sexually active with that person. Talk with them, have the discussion that you are interested in trying certain things. If you don't communicate with them then they will never know. Just remember this is suppose to be fun and enjoyable

 

[CutieMouse]

What do the phrases "being a sub" and "being a dom" mean to you? Because since the terms are somewhat fluid (being that they can mean such individualized things to so many people) that's really the best starting point.

Once you know what "being a sub" and "being a dom" means to you, use that vocabulary to discuss it with your partner.

For example, I think of things in terms of "power dynamics". So I look for partners who are comfortable with taking the lead ("running the show") in relationships. I also have a pretty strong service streak in me, so I also look for partners who are comfortable being catered to. I don't really discuss details of my sexuality publicly, but I have a good understanding of what I'm looking for there, as well.

Because every relationship is so different, once I find a partner with whom things click, I approach things in terms of "exploring" together. Sometimes that works; sometimes it doesn't. But even when it didn't, I always ended up with more information to make better choices, and improve my communication the next time.

 

[Que]

It does seem finding a person that you are interested in being sexual is sort of the first objective. Until that is even on the radar it doesn't much matter what the other persons predilections are.

If it starts heading that way, one can suss out a persons general kink rating with a little humor, I think. I have had women say things to me that I took to be a little exploratory, like they might joke about being "naughty" or say something like, 'are you going to spank me?" always couched in a plausibly deniable way.

I don't think I do it consciously as a "test", but I often find that a woman leans submissive a bit with how she responds to a gentle hair pull or gathering her wrists together with one hand. I get away with this because I am not a large, imposing man where such a playful move would be seen as intimidating or threatening. There must be some analog that a submissive could do. Tucking your head into his chest and seeing how he reacts, for example.