How to begin? What to try first?

[Ouroborus]

I'm new to the site, so hopefully this topic belongs in this forum. If not, I apologize and hope someone will direct me.

I'm 30, a guy, and have had as basically the most basic of lives you can imagine. I've seen very little of the world and experienced even less of it. I was pretty content and happy until a few weeks ago. For reasons I don't want to go into right now, I have had a sudden and intense realization that my general world view may be false, and that I might have been seriously misguided in everything in my life up until now.

My time online is pretty limited, but in searching around I came across this site, and then to these message boards. I thought it might be a good place to start.

I guess I'm just looking for advice. If you had your life and memory before you were 30 totally erased and had to start all of your life experiences over again, what would you do first?

Thanks.

OB

 

[Reba67]

I guess I'm just looking for advice. If you had your life and memory before you were 30 totally erased and had to start all of your life experiences over again, what would you do first?

Thanks.

OB

Advice about what? This question is kind of vague.

 

[Reba67]

.....

 

[coastal-boy]

I accepted me for who I am

 

[Ouroborus]

Sorry for being vague. It's just hard to explain.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you realized something about your life was a lie, and then you started to wonder if EVERYTHING was a lie? It's a stupid example, but like when you learned that Santa Claus wasn't real, you sort of lost a piece of your childhood then and there, and started to question other things as well.

It's sort of like that but on a larger scale. Basically I've lived what most would call a sheltered life, but recently things have caused me to reevaluate everything. I turn around and I'm 30 and realize that much of the driving forces in my life might all be lies.

So, if you could start with a blank slate at 30, what would you do? What would you want to experience? Would you make love to someone? Ride in an airplane? Eat a whole pizza? I'm just looking for things to experience, and since I have basically experienced NOTHING in life, I'm overwhelmed by it.

 

[sunandshadow]

Interesting question. I find that the wishes I have for 'how I could live my life differently' (I'd like to get married, be a housewife, and have a child ASAP) are all solidly grounded in my memories and would probably vanish if I suddenly had total amnesia. I think that if I were a total blank slate I would not really have any goals or plans except typing to have the most fun and comfort while doing the least work and annoyance. I'd probably starve but if money was not an issue I'd probably get heavily into the things that were my favorite as a child, reading and playing video games. I'd probably get suckered into religion and magic because I wouldn't have the life experience to know they are nonsense.

 

[glynndah]

My foundation was rather shaky and I've built a great deal of life experience after 30 so I'm not sure how to answer this. I think I'd find a mentor or mentors, someone I could talk to, who could show me the ropes, in whatever field I chose to explore.

 

[culloden]

Do real things. Too many people let TV or the 'net substitute for reality. Travel without a tour group. Get to know people. Read great books. Plant a garden, build a boat, learn to be a blacksmith. Join a volunteer fire department or ambulance squad. Volunteer. Commute to work on a bicycle. Hike the AT. Do things most people are too lazy or too afraid to do.

 

[newbiebabe]

Do real things. Too many people let TV or the 'net substitute for reality. Travel without a tour group. Get to know people. Read great books. Plant a garden, build a boat, learn to be a blacksmith. Join a volunteer fire department or ambulance squad. Volunteer. Commute to work on a bicycle. Hike the AT. Do things most people are too lazy or too afraid to do.

I agree with this. You do not say, and I respect your privacy not to, what it is you are finding as being "lies" in your background. Whether they are about life in general, religious beliefs or sexual information; so it is difficult to know what it is you are asking about exactly. However, that said, I have also been thinking a lot about things in my life and belief systems for a while now. When I review my experiences, some of those named above are things that I have chosen to change and in doing so have found that I meet people and am then able to be exposed to different viewpoints and then make a decision about what I want to believe and how I want to live my life based on those beliefs.

Be careful though and be sure to guard yourself some -- be wise who you confide in. I detect a bit of hurt or disappointment in the tone of your postings and people will take advantage of you if they see this. Trust me, I know!

You are at a fabulous age for this adventure in your life and I wish you well!

 

[silverwhisper]

ourobouros quoth:
for reasons i don't want to go into right now, i have had a sudden and intense realization that my general world view may be false, and that i might have been seriously misguided in everything in my life up until now.

i think everyone has similar such realizations at some point in their lives. questioning the things you grew up believing is IMX a critical part of growing up--but i'm getting the impression this isn't the usual "my family isn't perfect" or that kind of thing.

i can only say that the one truth to which most people can reliably cling is the relationships in their lives, whether they be family, friends, colleagues or the like--and even then, some amount of upheaval is sometimes necessary.

ourobouros quoth:
if you had your life and memory before you were 30 totally erased and had to start all of your life experiences over again, what would you do first?

i like culloden's answer to this question a great deal.

i would submit that if you're going to embark upon a personal renaissance, some kind of guiding principle is necessary as you organize what experiences you wish to encounter, if only by priority order.

so perhaps a little soul-searching is in order. me, i'd begin with "what things really speak to me? what are my chief interests or passions?" depending upon what those were, i would then try to gain what knowledge i could to develop a plan of action.

ed

 

[Ironmanplus]

Sorry for being vague. It's just hard to explain.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you realized something about your life was a lie, and then you started to wonder if EVERYTHING was a lie? It's a stupid example, but like when you learned that Santa Claus wasn't real, you sort of lost a piece of your childhood then and there, and started to question other things as well.

It's sort of like that but on a larger scale. Basically I've lived what most would call a sheltered life, but recently things have caused me to reevaluate everything. I turn around and I'm 30 and realize that much of the driving forces in my life might all be lies.

So, if you could start with a blank slate at 30, what would you do? What would you want to experience? Would you make love to someone? Ride in an airplane? Eat a whole pizza? I'm just looking for things to experience, and since I have basically experienced NOTHING in life, I'm overwhelmed by it.

It sounds like you are leaving a religion. If I were you I would start with the pizza and airplane rides. Just take it slow. There isn't a real rush.

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

Try things!
Start small, find out what you like....... really like. What makes you go WOW!
The things that make you wake up in the morning longing for the day to begin so that you can experience them all over.
It might just start with you going to a different shop for coffee, eating steak insted of chicken, running instead of walking, go into a shop, smile and say "Hi" to the first person who makes eye contact with you and smiles.
Find what makes you feel good, life is a journey, maybe yours has taken a new direction recently, but it is still the same journey.

Enjoy it! Few people have the opportunity to start the road to discovery in their 30's.

 

[thirty]

I guess there was an incident in your life recently, people tend to be think about something weird after that.

 

[skeptic99]

Sorry for being vague. It's just hard to explain.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you realized something about your life was a lie, and then you started to wonder if EVERYTHING was a lie? It's a stupid example, but like when you learned that Santa Claus wasn't real, you sort of lost a piece of your childhood then and there, and started to question other things as well.

It's sort of like that but on a larger scale. Basically I've lived what most would call a sheltered life, but recently things have caused me to reevaluate everything. I turn around and I'm 30 and realize that much of the driving forces in my life might all be lies.

So, if you could start with a blank slate at 30, what would you do? What would you want to experience? Would you make love to someone? Ride in an airplane? Eat a whole pizza? I'm just looking for things to experience, and since I have basically experienced NOTHING in life, I'm overwhelmed by it.

My guess is you are going through some of what I went through...although it took me a bit longer to figure it out. I connected up with a group of people on the net that had gone through a similar process (we called it deconversion if that makes any sense to you). That helped me a lot - but didn't really answer a lot of questions as to what to do next in life. I'm still figuring that out. And, a lot of things don't change all that much since they were really based on my own values anyway...when all the time I thought they were based on some revealed truth.

So what is really you...based on your own values, etc....don't be in a hurry to change. Some of the other stuff...rules, etc. based on what you now see to be "not true" learn how to ignore.

If some of the rules you lived by in the past don't seem to be really your own values then work through that stuff and be prepared to let them go, and perhaps have some fun in the process.

 

[BertrandRussell]

Congratulations on your recognition that you need to change. Some people go their whole lives vaugely aware that something is wrong, but unwilling to do something.

Here's my take on your situation: There is a person or group of people that you have not told us about. This kind of sheltered experience seldom happens without an enabler. If you have led a sheltered life, there had to be someone who sheltered you. if you have found that "...much of the driving forces in my life might all be lies," someone had to lie to you.

It is usually a religious group ( Mormonism and Jehovah's Witnesses are two common examples ) or your parents. For the last 10 or 15 years, you have let them do it. You have deeply imbedded habit of letting somone else shelter you. You probably do not even realize that you have this habit. It probably seems normal to you.

The first step to conquering a demon is to name it. Who sheltered you? Who lied to you?

 

[Ouroborus]

Thanks to everyone for the comments so far. I'm really taking them all in.

Again I apologize for being vague. It's not so much a religious thing as it is a "values" thing, but I suppose the effects are the same. Either way I'm confronted with things that I have always thought were bad, and realize that they might, in fact, be good. I just feel like all options are open, and that I need to find out for myself what I think is really right or wrong.

I stole something today for the first time in my life. I've never even used pennies out of the tray at the icehouse to make change. But, today I have to confess that I shoplifted a candy bar from the market. I felt bad about it, but it was one of those things where I was confronted with a choice that I had never even considered before, and I took the road less traveled. I couldn't bring myself to enjoy it, so I gave it to a homeless man on the street, and I felt pretty good about that.

It's hard to explain. Everything just seems different.

Thanks again for all the thoughts. I have enjoyed reading and reflecting on them so far.

 

[sunandshadow]

You might consider reading an introductory philosophy book. I recommend Does the Center Hold? by Donald Palmer because it has cartoons and it's pretty unbiased.

 

[Ouroborus]

I'm heading out today and will look for it. Thank you, sunandshadow

 

[BertrandRussell]

I'm heading out today and will look for it. Thank you, sunandshadow

Pay for it, ok?

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I think you have gone down the wrong road here. You experiment with moral issues, and you report how you feel. You report no intellectual judgements about them, you report no legal judgements, just emotional judgements:

I stole something today... I felt bad about it ...I gave it to a homeless man on the street, and I felt pretty good about that.

Is this going to be the basis for your morality: how you FEEL about something? Is that the best that you can do? Heck, my dog can do that. He does things because they feel good. He avoids doing other things because they feel bad.

Try making some intellectual assessments ( "According to Kant's concept of categorical imperatives..." ) or some legal assessment ( "The state penal code, section 484, says..." )

 

[Ouroborus]

I'm sure it was a one time event. I had the chance to do it again today and didn't feel that urge that I felt last time. I was just presented the chance to do something that I had never done before, and I did it. It was scary and I felt bad about it, but I did it and I'm not going to look back on it. I've done too much dwelling already.

I don't know what I will ultimately do, or what I will turn to as my basis, but right now I am trying to view myself as a blank slate. Where right ends and wrong begins is a line that I am hoping to find again, because my previous moral compass was clearly broken. I spent the first 30 years of my life understanding that there was this line in the sand, only to discover that everything supporting that belief structure was a lie. I find myself looking for a new line. I just don't know what it will look like. I hope I'll know it when I see it and don't know what to trust other than my feelings to determine that.

I did go out and have some cheap fast food today. I was hungry and walked into the first place I crossed and bought a hamburger. I have, until recently, been a vegetarian. It was delicious, though it made me sick a while later. Still I think it was worth it.

 

[sunandshadow]

Personally, how I feel about things is a major part of my morality. I would define 'bad' as anything which causes anyone physical or emotional suffering, and 'good' as anything which makes people happy without doing any harm. It's kind of a hedonism+humanism philosophy.

Glad the philosophy book idea was interesting. In general reading can be a useful and safe way to figure out what you think about things - fiction has been called "An Ideological Dressing Room" because as a reader you wear a main character like a suit of clothes, including seeing what their morality feels like from the inside. And some nonfiction explains systems of thought others have come up with, so you can learn about it and see if you agree. In addition to philosophy, some psychology topics like personality theory, social interaction theory, personal mythology theory, can give you tools to come to a deeper understanding of yourself and others.

 

[BertrandRussell]

Personally, how I feel about things is a major part of my morality.

Of course our feelings get involved. But note that as soon as you start writing about morality, you jump immediately to an intellectual process:

I would define 'bad' as anything which causes anyone physical or emotional suffering, and 'good' as anything which makes people happy without doing any harm. It's kind of a hedonism+humanism philosophy..

This is precisely what the OP fails to do.

 

[blackkittycat]

I don't know what I will ultimately do, or what I will turn to as my basis, but right now I am trying to view myself as a blank slate. Where right ends and wrong begins is a line that I am hoping to find again, because my previous moral compass was clearly broken. I spent the first 30 years of my life understanding that there was this line in the sand, only to discover that everything supporting that belief structure was a lie. I find myself looking for a new line. I just don't know what it will look like. I hope I'll know it when I see it and don't know what to trust other than my feelings to determine that.

I did go out and have some cheap fast food today. I was hungry and walked into the first place I crossed and bought a hamburger. I have, until recently, been a vegetarian. It was delicious, though it made me sick a while later. Still I think it was worth it.

Ah, midlife crisis. I love it xD I think just this year alone I have had 4 different people coming to me for help because they feel like their world is falling apart all around them and they felt lost and confused because all of a sudden everything just felt like a dream. I'm no expert on this, I couldn't give them a text book answer on why they were feeling the way they do. All I could do was listen to the cause or the preconditions to the breakdown.

Some were like you, having lived their whole life behind a clearly drawn line and then one day, they realised that the line was of their own making and became lost. I have never been one to stay behind the line. If there's a boundary then I am constantly pushing at it, trying to find the limit. Oh, and my moral compass is broken long ago, maybe that's why

Anyways, with one guy, I asked him "Are you happy in the dream? Did you like the person you were in the dream?" and his reply was that he hated it. He was forever held back, first by his family, then his co-workers, and ultimately himself. But he didn't what to do, how to break those chains that bound him and held him back. I'm not a counselor to tell him what to do so I listened. I think sometimes you just need someone to listen to your problems, even if they don't have the solution. I just advised him to take some time off, away from his work and family and any other commitments that he might have. Go somewhere that he's always dreamed of going. So he disappeared to Asia for 3 months, came back, changed profession from an accountant to a teacher. Moved far away from his family (he actually gave them an ultimatum that if they continue to interfere in his life then he will cut off all ties with them) and seemed quite happy the last time i saw him. I guess you would call this the text book case.

A close friend of mine found out that she is actually adopted and that she was abandoned at birth. She has become very bitter and cynical since then and has found it hard to trust anyone.

I was raised in a very conservative family with clearly defined lines/boundaries and my future mapped out for me. I was depressed as hell. Now I'm happy and free (albeit with a broken moral compass but what can I do ) and am ready to test any new boundaries.

I think you need to work out the lies and descried the truth of it all. Which do you prefer? The lies or the truth? Oh, and binge eating is not the solution xD and don't change your diet so drastically, as you've found out.

 

[borusewicz]

I've recently had similar feelings and am about to turn 30 also. For the first time in my life I feel like an adult and I can make my own decisions and I have to make my own decisions. I really like the song "Who Says" by John Mayer.

Who says I can�.t get stoned?
Call up a girl that I used to know
Fake love for an hour or so
Who says I can't get stoned?

Who says I can't take time?
Meet all the girls on the county line
Then wait on fate to send a sign
Who says I can't take time?

Now, the song isn't saying it is ok to go and do anything you want, but says you have the choice to do whatever you want. There are always going to be people who disagree with something you do and aren't afraid to say something about it, but when it comes down to it the only person that matters is you and if you are happy.

"Who says I can't be free?
From all of the things that I used to be
Re-write my history
Who says I can't be free?"

 

[Ouroborus]

haha, I certainly wasn't binge eating. I just tried something new. I will need to take it slower, though, as apparently I'm not used to eating beef!

I live in a place where I am very close to the people that defined my reality, and the reminders of the pain of these recent events is all around, so I am definitely thinking about moving to a new place. It could be complicated and I don't have any savings really but ultimately those are excuses, I think. I can make it work. I know it. It will just take some planning.