How to be okay with a bisexual polyamorous spouse

[Bramblethorn]

Sorry I've been absent for a few days, but thank you all for the sound advice. I wish I could say I know what to do now, but I still have a lot to think about before I make any major decisions. But before I go, if anybody even knows, is there a database of non traditional marriage type counselors? She's refused regular marriage counseling, but if they specialized in these types of relationships maybe she would reconsider...I mean, if there's even one in the relative area. Thanks for all that you guys do and have a merry Christmas and happy new year.

https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/ki...irectory/kap-directory-homepage.html?catid=14 might help. If that doesn't do the trick, you might look for local poly groups and see if anybody there has recs.

 

[SweetErika]

John, there are actually a bunch of lists/databases, and some of them may have listings (e.g. for your area) that others don't. Google terms like:

Poly friendly professionals
Poly friendly therapists (when I search this one, many of the results on even just the first page are sites I recognize as those many poly folks have recommended)
LGBT friendly therapists
LGBT friendly professionals
Kink aware friendly professionals (yeah, I know poly and LGBT issues aren't kinks like BDSM or fetish issues, but most professionals who are open-minded and informed about kinks are likely approach poly and LGBT issues in the same way)

If you don't have any luck finding openminded therapists in your area through those searches, try mainstream therapist-finder sites and look for those therapists who are well-versed in LGBT issues, relationship counseling, life transitions, cheating/trust issues (there are usually check boxes to narrow your search), then contact your short list of candidates (sometimes you can get a sense of their styles, personalities and open-mindedness by reading their blurbs and checking their websites) and ask if they're familiar with consensually nonmonogamous relationship styles such as polyamory, LGBT issues, etc., OR if they can recommend colleagues in your area who are familiar with those issues you're facing.

BTW, I wholeheartedly agree with those who suggested seeking therapy on your own, even if your wife still refuses to go with you once you find a counselor who's informed, open-minded, and a good fit for you. You're dealing with some very serious, stressful issues that can have a serious impact on your health and your little girls. You deserve to have a trusted professional to talk to, manage your stress and help you make the right decisions for you and your family. Your daughters deserve to see you model things like taking care of yourself, setting healthy boundaries, and making well-reasoned choices for yourself and them. Show them how mature, healthy people deal with tough issues and function in relationships so they have a shot at being healthy, happy and well-adjusted kids and adults who make great decisions. Given your wife's history, you simply can't count on her to step up to the plate in that regard, unfortunately.

I feel like you've demonstrated that you have good intentions and you're willing to consider the (serious, well-intentioned) info and feedback you've been given, even when it might be really tough to hear. I'm sure I can speak for most of us when I say you're welcome to ask any other questions you may have and/or seek support from us in the future. Best of luck to you and your kidlets, however you decide to proceed here and in your relationship!

 

[Que]

Sorry I've been absent for a few days, but thank you all for the sound advice. I wish I could say I know what to do now, but I still have a lot to think about before I make any major decisions. But before I go, if anybody even knows, is there a database of non traditional marriage type counselors? She's refused regular marriage counseling, but if they specialized in these types of relationships maybe she would reconsider...I mean, if there's even one in the relative area. Thanks for all that you guys do and have a merry Christmas and happy new year.

This tells me that she likely assumes that her fairly one-sided requirements for a marriage would be shot down by any neutral third party.

That isn't to say she is right about that. With boundaries, and you in stronger emotional health it may be possible, but she must think she is in the wrong.

You need the support of a therapist regardless, so start there as you being the identified patient, because you are the more receptive one. Having you as the identified patient may make her also more open to attending.

 

[Bramblethorn]

You need the support of a therapist regardless, so start there as you being the identified patient, because you are the more receptive one. Having you as the identified patient may make her also more open to attending.

I agree that the OP might do well to look for a therapist on his own behalf. But I'd caution against trying to use the same therapist for couples counselling, if that's what you're suggesting here, and I think an ethical therapist would be reluctant to combine those two roles.

(If I recall correctly - and I may not, it's been a while - my partner and I had one counsellor who specifically refused to have one of us as an individual client while we were also doing couples counselling, although she was OK to see me individually once we were no longer doing couples.)

Trying to do both roles at the same time, or going from single to couples, creates a conflict of interest, and it makes it very easy for the partner to feel that the counsellor is biased against them - "she's already on your team".

 

[Felix_Jones]

Get a divorce, they are expensive because they are worth it.

Also, therapy is a selfish, bourgeois indulgence that doesn't work.

 

[SweetErika]

Get a divorce, they are expensive because they are worth it.

Is there something that makes you think the OP couldn't read this when you posted the exact same thing six days ago on the first page of this thread? Or is this a line that you're so tied to that you forgot you'd already posted it?

Also, therapy is a selfish, bourgeois indulgence that doesn't work.

You're right, if you have that kind of attitude, therapy won't ever work. The same is true for faith/spirituality, hypnotherapy, alternative medicine, even Western medicine, and a host of other practices. Time and time again, studies have shown that our attitudes, outlook, and openness to different approaches/therapies have an profound impact on our physical, mental and emotional health.

I guess I just don't get why you feel the need to denigrate others' beliefs and choices, including therapy. What's it to you if someone like the OP thinks it might be beneficial for them and wants to give it a try? It doesn't affect you in any way for others to engage in legal and ethical therapies (or, hell, even different lifestyles or sexual practices) that you don't feel are right for you, personally. Are you such a miserable person that you can't help but try to drag others into your personal hell, or were you never taught common courtesies and social skills? It's curious that the people who are so against therapy are usually the ones who could benefit from it the most, isn't it?

 

[silverwhisper]

i'm convinced "felix" is a bot. consider the facts:

1) the replies are exclusively in threads with certain keywords in the first post, demonstrating keyword-matching algorithms
2) "his" posts feature identical text--which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't already tedious the first time
3) there is no follow-up or ability to engage the substance of a post

#justsayin

ed

 

[Bramblethorn]

Is there something that makes you think the OP couldn't read this when you posted the exact same thing six days ago on the first page of this thread? Or is this a line that you're so tied to that you forgot you'd already posted it?

If you check his posting history, you'll get an idea of how limited Felix's range is. I don't know why he doesn't just put his catchphrases into his sig to save him the bother of typing them every time.

All I can say is, therapy helped me and my partner when we hit a rough patch - but only because we were willing to put in the effort.

 

[ChasingShadowsX]

Having been in a very very similar situation, I would just say leave her and move on. How ever I didn't have kids, therefore it becomes more about the kids IMO. In that case if you want to have happy family then the only other thing you can do is cheat on the bitch. Honestly she's only thinking of herself and life is too short to be at someone else's knees. (Unless you're into that sort of thing.)

Background, ex of 5 years is now in a lesbian relationship and I'm with a beautiful girl who adores me and wants me to be happy.

 

[Somehowyou]

First of all, thank you for your service.

The separation that is a requirement of military service has taken it's toll on many marriages. What a stress it must be to be away from one's partner for such long periods of time.

I have seen so many spouses lie through their teeth because they did not want to upset the status quo. At the same time, I have seen so many cheated on spouses accept the most outlandish lies and excuses to rationalize for their spouses behavior. She probably likes the appearance of having a nice family with you as the loving husband and father most of the time. she most likely will never change.

You know I was going to say something like can the bot of you find a way to enjoy her Bi side by discretely swinging? You have obviously considered this. I imagine that in reality this could get pretty weird for most people. I myself have plenty of fantasies that are better left to the mind or on the pages of Literotica than played out in real time. For some reason, I could deal with my wife having an affair with another woman better than another man too.

I feel for you brother. Please consult a professional. I think you can read therapists reviews on line. Maybe you guys got a dud the first time? This is no reason to not try another counselor. Find one that suits your needs.

Good luck and thank you for your service.