Down4fun91
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How to avoid being clingy.
- Thread starter Down4fun91
- Start date
Welcome to the real world.
Everyone struggles with this. After all, if you don't have any feelings, how can you enjoy anything? If you disconnect totally from feelings, say sexually, that would seem a little boring.
One piece of advice might be to change your expectations. Not lower them, just change them. Maybe try not having any expectations of people, good or bad.
I get quite a few PM's from people, and while exciting to start with, we drift away from each other when we realise we can't meet each other's needs.
Everyone struggles with this. After all, if you don't have any feelings, how can you enjoy anything? If you disconnect totally from feelings, say sexually, that would seem a little boring.
One piece of advice might be to change your expectations. Not lower them, just change them. Maybe try not having any expectations of people, good or bad.
I get quite a few PM's from people, and while exciting to start with, we drift away from each other when we realise we can't meet each other's needs.
Nezhul
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I'm not very emotional myself.
What helps me, however, is always remembering that people are people. Even the most perfect friend or the seemingly best girlfriend will have traits that will annoy or anger me if I let them, that will drive me crazy and that I will not like.
So I just remind myself that it's always there. Both the good and the bad. And I have come to terms with it and I can let go and dolerate some of the bad, when the good is good enough.
Don't try to expect many things from people, and don't try to change them in any big way and fast. Just accept their imperfections.
When I say that, however, I don't mean to tolerate everything. Statistically, the most successful pairs are those that complain to each other a lot and have small squabbles and fights over it often. It's counter-intuitive, but what the studies found is that these pairs tend to resolve their small issues right away and don't let them pile up and grow into a big avalanche of problems.
I guess what I'm trying to say is - be more open about what troubles you, but don't expect your partner to be perfect or to instantly change and adjust to your demands.
If you feel that you get attached too easily and can't let go afterwards - then all I can advice is try and date more people and treat each date less seriously. Like a game, not even thinking about a relationship that you want to build with that person - just having fun together.
When you part, remind yourself that it's a part of living. Try to look at it phylosophically - yes, breaking up with someone with whom you are emotionally invested sucks, but it's for the best. If it came to breaking up, this means that nothing good would have come out of this relationship anyway. It's a chance to find something better.
Hope this helps. I didn't quite understand your problem from your explanation, so sorry if my post is completely off the mark.
What helps me, however, is always remembering that people are people. Even the most perfect friend or the seemingly best girlfriend will have traits that will annoy or anger me if I let them, that will drive me crazy and that I will not like.
So I just remind myself that it's always there. Both the good and the bad. And I have come to terms with it and I can let go and dolerate some of the bad, when the good is good enough.
Don't try to expect many things from people, and don't try to change them in any big way and fast. Just accept their imperfections.
When I say that, however, I don't mean to tolerate everything. Statistically, the most successful pairs are those that complain to each other a lot and have small squabbles and fights over it often. It's counter-intuitive, but what the studies found is that these pairs tend to resolve their small issues right away and don't let them pile up and grow into a big avalanche of problems.
I guess what I'm trying to say is - be more open about what troubles you, but don't expect your partner to be perfect or to instantly change and adjust to your demands.
If you feel that you get attached too easily and can't let go afterwards - then all I can advice is try and date more people and treat each date less seriously. Like a game, not even thinking about a relationship that you want to build with that person - just having fun together.
When you part, remind yourself that it's a part of living. Try to look at it phylosophically - yes, breaking up with someone with whom you are emotionally invested sucks, but it's for the best. If it came to breaking up, this means that nothing good would have come out of this relationship anyway. It's a chance to find something better.
Hope this helps. I didn't quite understand your problem from your explanation, so sorry if my post is completely off the mark.
tryn2Bgood
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There's nothing wrong with being an emotional person. And a lot of people deal with the problem of falling hard and fast when they start dating. You can't really change how you are fundamentally, without loosing part of what makes you 'you'. And I don't really think you need to...the right person will appreciate that about you.
I think the main thing you need to do is realize that although you easily connect with someone, it usually takes much longer for those feelings to be reciprocated. Look at each relationship realistically, and don't discount your feelings, but keep the perspective that you need to slow down and let things develop at a natural pace. As far as getting hurt...that happens to everyone. It's life. And not to sound uncaring, but it sometimes takes several heartbreaks to learn that the hard way. Eventually you'll be less easily drawn in as an effort to protect your heart. The key is not to become jaded...use it as a learning curve, a stepping stone. You live, you learn, you grow. Become stronger, maybe more careful, but maintain that ability to let someone in...it's not a bad thing.
I think the main thing you need to do is realize that although you easily connect with someone, it usually takes much longer for those feelings to be reciprocated. Look at each relationship realistically, and don't discount your feelings, but keep the perspective that you need to slow down and let things develop at a natural pace. As far as getting hurt...that happens to everyone. It's life. And not to sound uncaring, but it sometimes takes several heartbreaks to learn that the hard way. Eventually you'll be less easily drawn in as an effort to protect your heart. The key is not to become jaded...use it as a learning curve, a stepping stone. You live, you learn, you grow. Become stronger, maybe more careful, but maintain that ability to let someone in...it's not a bad thing.
BiAsianGirl
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To me this seems like human nature; we are all looking to form connections, friendships etc.
However, if you have been hurt by this a few times before then taking a step back and looking at what sort qualities in a person makes you catch feelings so fast?
So, you are looking for a shield / defence mechanism to protect your feelings being hurt too soon. I think the above step of challenging what gets you into a person will help, question your feelings especially in the early stages, try and keep perspective, funnily the cliches about break ups are quite real in the fact that you broke for a reason and accept it will hurt.
Personally I think it's positive to be emotionally available and open.
Xxx
DrRickMarshall
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Might be codependency, they have some decent self help books about it.
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SherylSunshine
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FGB
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fafhrd09
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My 0.02 USD, and that's only because of inflation
Disclaimer - I don't know you at all, so working with limited information. My speculations may be very off-base, so 0.02 cents might be over-charging...
I think that, to an extent, the answer lies within your question:
A) "Coming to terms" sounds an awful lot like resignation, and I don't think you need to do that. You recognize that the cycle itself is ultimately harmful; given that, I think perhaps you might discuss with yourself or someone who you trust and knows you well ways you can identify some of the more harmful attributes of people before you lose your heart to them. Perhaps that might mitigate the damage done.
And I want pie now. Cherry pie with meringue, so that the coloring matches the mental image your description inspired.
B) Clearly, you understand that you will rarely get the connection on both sides that you think you should have both ways. The biggest problem I see is reconciling hope and optimism with setting your expectations to a lesser level. It's easy to fall int the trap that says "Well if I am not going to get that connection, why should I bother to pursue it at all?" That way lies despair, which is soul-draining. The more complex, the more interesting, the more fascinating a person, the more difficult an excellent relationship can be to find, and its weight with false statistics, IE the perception that one can NEVER find that one relationship. Well, the fact of the matter is that until you find, work at developing, and work on maintaining that one relationship, all the rest WILL end. That doesn't mean you can't find some measure of happiness in the quest; some relationships won't be that ONE relationship but can be emotionally satisfying for all that.
Disclaimer - I don't know you at all, so working with limited information. My speculations may be very off-base, so 0.02 cents might be over-charging...
I think that, to an extent, the answer lies within your question:
A) "Coming to terms" sounds an awful lot like resignation, and I don't think you need to do that. You recognize that the cycle itself is ultimately harmful; given that, I think perhaps you might discuss with yourself or someone who you trust and knows you well ways you can identify some of the more harmful attributes of people before you lose your heart to them. Perhaps that might mitigate the damage done.
And I want pie now. Cherry pie with meringue, so that the coloring matches the mental image your description inspired.
B) Clearly, you understand that you will rarely get the connection on both sides that you think you should have both ways. The biggest problem I see is reconciling hope and optimism with setting your expectations to a lesser level. It's easy to fall int the trap that says "Well if I am not going to get that connection, why should I bother to pursue it at all?" That way lies despair, which is soul-draining. The more complex, the more interesting, the more fascinating a person, the more difficult an excellent relationship can be to find, and its weight with false statistics, IE the perception that one can NEVER find that one relationship. Well, the fact of the matter is that until you find, work at developing, and work on maintaining that one relationship, all the rest WILL end. That doesn't mean you can't find some measure of happiness in the quest; some relationships won't be that ONE relationship but can be emotionally satisfying for all that.
