How to Ask my Partner

[Kraheera]

Hi. I am a newly discovered submissive, and it's taken me about three months to really admit it. To myself, anyways. I keep meaning to tell my partner, because sexually I'm so frustrated that it's driving me to irritation almost everyday. But whenever I try to tell him, I usually end up so tongue tied that I forget what I meant to say.

Has anyone ever had to tell someone out there? How did you do it? How can I word it so that he doesn't get too weirded out? I'm not wanting anything that's too... out there, from what I can tell. A little light bondage, some spanking, being TOLD what to do.

I just don't know how to explain it to him!

 

[clock1]

Tell him about Lit, let him read for a few days (or months) then ask if he knows what you want to do. You'll know if that is in this relationship or not, and make future plans accordingly.

 

[Kraheera]

that actually sounds great! Maybe if I give him the link to the story that iraussieguy wrote... hrm... that might work! Thank you so much!

 

[CutieMouse]

There's a decent book called When Someone You Love is Kinky that might be helpful.

 

[FurryFury]

Ah, guys Lit is HUGE. He might be reading the incest section and thinking he knows what you want.

Sure if he will read a story you suggest that could be a starting point but again be careful. Most stories don't even vaguely resemble RL BDSM or use safety measures. This could send out the absolutely wrong and dangerous signals.

Also most stories don't explain in a low key way about the feelings of the participants in any realistic fashion. Again, this can lead to bad or dangerous perceptions.

Nothing replaces talking.

Cutie Mouses book idea above might work well if he is willing to read. It's not fantasies at all.

 

[Ghostjae]

You might just try talking to him about it.
Perhaps you might ask him if there's anything he's been wanting to try, and if so, you then have the perfect opportunity to request something as well. If not, you can still ask.

Just ask if he'd mind doing something so you can see if you like it. That's a fairly easy way, especially if he's somewhat uncomfortable with the subject.

I've had to tell...the past 3-4 guys I've been with, and with varying degrees of acceptance. Asking is the hardest part.

 

[SweetErika]

You could write your thoughts/what you want to say to him down and then use that to talk to him. Sometimes having things sorted out on paper and that paper as a bit of a security blanket is helpful.

You might also try talking to him in a different position, instead of face-to-face. I find it's sometimes easier to talk about something difficult with less lighting (e.g. in front of the fire, in candlelight, or even in the dark [though I'd suggest some light to see gauge his body language/facial expressions]), while spooning or otherwise not facing my partner. I don't advocate this all the time, but maybe it's a situation where you could start out in that position then move toward looking at him once you get rolling. Getting started is the hardest part for me, at least; once I get over that hurdle, everything kind of just comes out and it's a lot easier to be direct.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

If you really can't open your mouth and say it then positive reinforcement might be the way to go. Whenever he does anything vaguely dominant or controlling, let him know that it's pushing your buttons. It could be something as simple as moving you into the position he wants or initiating sex in the first place. If you like it a little rough, try goading him into it with pleas of 'harder, faster' etc and give him the freedom to take you as he chooses and throw you around a bit. It shouldn't be too hard to get the message across.

You would get on a lot better if you talked about this though. If you do, talk about kink in terms of adding to your sexlife rather than replacing what you currently get up to. If you make him feel as though he's not been pleasing you he might well get a little hurt and defensive, which in turn will make him less inclined to try new things. Handle his ego with care.