How should I tell a girlfriend that I am bi?

[Missouribiguy]

Hey all,

This is a bit of a follow-up to my "Should I tell her" thread I posted a year ago. I have reached the decision that whenever I find a girlfiend, and we get the point of falling in love, then I personally think I should tell her that I am bisexual virgin. While several people view this as being a bad idea, I also found a bunch more positive support. My heart tells me that is the right thing to do, I mean, it's a pretty big secret to keep from yourself. Also, having seen my parent's relationship destroyed by mistrust and lack of communication, it would make sense that I don't wish to follow that same path.

With that said, I still feel a bit uneasy telling my future girlfriend that I am bi. More so the whole "when should I do it?" and "how would it affect our relationship?"

First off, I don't want to make it seem like I am making a pass to sleep with other men since I wouldn't feel guilty because she knows that I am into them. To me, it's more about the honesty aspect than the sexual one. It doesn't mean that if she wants to experience it, I wouldn't say I wouldn't, but I don't want to cheat on her. I've seen how destructive cheating can be, and I don't want to put her through it, even if she gives me permission. Of course, with that said, I definately wouldn't mind if she invites a gay friend over for a show. I know contradictions, but isn't that true with everybody.

I'm also afraid of the emotional backlash if I do this. I mean, she might go apeshit on me, and drag my name through the dirt to hurt me. Or the fact that she might attempt to make herself more man-like to embrace my desires. I don't want a woman acting butch to make me attracted to her

So, with that said, I would like to see what you all would do?

 

[pcarp]

I've never slept with an oriental woman but I sure am turned on by them and I would never ever ever tell a woman "well I've never, but they turn me on".
Are you kidding me? "Honey I like guys too, I know because I have been with one or two a few times" is one thing, but why would you ever think telling a woman that while you have never been with a guy you think about it is a good idea?

 

[Missouribiguy]

I've never slept with an oriental woman but I sure am turned on by them and I would never ever ever tell a woman "well I've never, but they turn me on".
Are you kidding me? "Honey I like guys too, I know because I have been with one or two a few times" is one thing, but why would you ever think telling a woman that while you have never been with a guy you think about it is a good idea?

So, that's the only part you focus on. Did you even read the part about the honesty part?

 

[Bramblethorn]

I've never slept with an oriental woman but I sure am turned on by them and I would never ever ever tell a woman "well I've never, but they turn me on".

Big difference. Most people will assume that a guy is into Asian women (and most other types) unless he says otherwise. Most people will assume that a guy is NOT into other guys unless he says otherwise.

OP: one of my rules of thumb is, if you're feeling uncomfortable about concealing something from a partner, that's usually a good reason to tell them. It's not a risk-free option, but what is?

 

[monkeyman057]

OP: one of my rules of thumb is, if you're feeling uncomfortable about concealing something from a partner, that's usually a good reason to tell them. It's not a risk-free option, but what is?

This.

Before I was ever married, I made it a personal policy that any time I felt that a relationship was starting to get serious there were certain things that I needed the other person to know about me. My mixed sexual orientation was a big one.

Sure, you can keep it to yourself but that's not a guarantee that the relationship will not crumble for other reasons. You can tell them about it and they might run away screaming, but think of it this way: You just shared one of your most intimate, personal, and self defining secrets with this person. If they run away from that, then how happy do you think you would have been hiding something so important from them for the duration of the relationship? This is who you are. If they can't handle that - clearly they can't handle you. Don't base your relationship on a false perception of who you are. That's a recipe for disaster.

If there's not enough trust and respect in the relationship to share those kinds of things with each other, then it's not worth my time or trouble - and shouldn't be worth yours either. You deserve a partner that loves you through and through for who you are. No matter how great this person is - if they aren't going to accept you 100% then they simply aren't the one.

 

[pcarp]

So, that's the only part you focus on. Did you even read the part about the honesty part?

Yeah and I read the part about NOT HAVING EVER DONE IT too. I have thought about how I would commit a bank robbery. I have even giving thought to how I could spend the money, but I've never done it and I see no reason to tell the next girlfriend that I am a "bank robber virgin".

"Hi honey, you know I'm a male stripper by trade but I really feel that I should be honest with you and even though I have never done it, and possibly never will I want to let you know that I get a woody thinking about sticking a pistol in the nose of old Mrs Wiggams down at the bank and taking all of their money." Uh, no!

Honesty is fabulous, but you do not need to tell the next girlfriend that even though the ex-girlfriend is dead and buried that you still love her. No one minds being the second #1, but no one wants to be #2. Nor do you need to tell her that you have fantasies about goats, being tied to a chair and peed on by midgets or anything else that you THINK about. Do you find it necessary to be "honest" with the new girlfriend about what you and your ex used to do? Do you want her to be "honest" and tell you how she lost her virginity to a guy who has a dick twice as big as yours but yours is all she really needed. His big dick could never fill her the way your puny one does? Or how she learned to suck dick by playing with her brothers 10 buddies in the tree house after school, and how she realizes that at the ripe age of 12 she was just really a slut but now she prefers to be the woman that you respect for her morals? This is also why she has always only dated older men and how you are that one exception because your love is stronger than her old preferences. Or maybe you think she wants to hear about how your mothers friend, the one with dentures, gave you your first blowjob when you were 17 and you have always had trouble reaching an orgasm in the mouth of any woman with teeth and that you dream of finding another toothless woman so you can re-live the experience.

There is a place for "bedroom" talk, and in it's place it can be a lot of fun and so can the results. And there is honest and then there are things that are way past "honesty".

 

[Stella_Omega]

Pcarp, that's what we call the "performative model" of sexuality.

It works for some people, not for others.

And frankly, it doesn't work real well for many women.

tell a woman that you are bisexual although you haven't had sex with a man, and the chances are very good that she'll take you seriously.

Neglect to tell her that-- even though you've never had sex with a man-- and she just might feel you have been lying by omission.

On way in which many-- although not all-- women are different than a lot of-- though not all-- men.

 

[Ike_The_Spike]

It got to a point for me that I had to tell because it was eating me alive and destroying my ability to be in a relationship. And we'd been married nearly 20 years at that point.

Earlier is much better than later. Some people have no problem lying to the one person they've sworn to be open with, some of us can't. I'm one of the ones that can't.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Yeah and I read the part about NOT HAVING EVER DONE IT too. I have thought about how I would commit a bank robbery. I have even giving thought to how I could spend the money, but I've never done it and I see no reason to tell the next girlfriend that I am a "bank robber virgin".

Do you think about robbing banks every day, read up on how to do it, let it distract you from other things? Or is this just one of those idle thoughts that we use to entertain ourselves when the brain has nothing else to do?

Because while just about everybody amuses themselves with stuff like that in an idle moment, it doesn't generally occupy the same importance as sexuality in a person's psyche, so I don't think it's a good parallel.

As for the other examples: if I was carrying around baggage from some previous relationship and it was still weighing a lot on my mind, hell yes, I'd be honest with my partner about it. Because she's going to notice that I'm distracted sometimes and I have odd reactions to some situations, and if I don't tell her, she's just going to fret about it herself.

If it's something so big and freaky that I can't afford to tell her - like being fixated on a former partner so much that I can't focus on my current partner - then I probably should be dealing with that before looking for a new relationship anyway.

 

[Missouribiguy]

Yeah and I read the part about NOT HAVING EVER DONE IT too. I have thought about how I would commit a bank robbery. I have even giving thought to how I could spend the money, but I've never done it and I see no reason to tell the next girlfriend that I am a "bank robber virgin".

"Hi honey, you know I'm a male stripper by trade but I really feel that I should be honest with you and even though I have never done it, and possibly never will I want to let you know that I get a woody thinking about sticking a pistol in the nose of old Mrs Wiggams down at the bank and taking all of their money." Uh, no!

Honesty is fabulous, but you do not need to tell the next girlfriend that even though the ex-girlfriend is dead and buried that you still love her. No one minds being the second #1, but no one wants to be #2. Nor do you need to tell her that you have fantasies about goats, being tied to a chair and peed on by midgets or anything else that you THINK about. Do you find it necessary to be "honest" with the new girlfriend about what you and your ex used to do? Do you want her to be "honest" and tell you how she lost her virginity to a guy who has a dick twice as big as yours but yours is all she really needed. His big dick could never fill her the way your puny one does? Or how she learned to suck dick by playing with her brothers 10 buddies in the tree house after school, and how she realizes that at the ripe age of 12 she was just really a slut but now she prefers to be the woman that you respect for her morals? This is also why she has always only dated older men and how you are that one exception because your love is stronger than her old preferences. Or maybe you think she wants to hear about how your mothers friend, the one with dentures, gave you your first blowjob when you were 17 and you have always had trouble reaching an orgasm in the mouth of any woman with teeth and that you dream of finding another toothless woman so you can re-live the experience.

There is a place for "bedroom" talk, and in it's place it can be a lot of fun and so can the results. And there is honest and then there are things that are way past "honesty".

Oh really,

So, what, I have to fuck a guy to make sure I am more legit about my bisexuality. If that is correct, well, sorry to say, but I think you are a damned idiot.

 

[vic_e87]

I just want to say....I'm a woman and find myself extremely turned on at the thought of 2 men together. I love watching gay porn. However, unless my boyfriend/partner said he was into it, I most likely wouldn't volunteer that information. Anyways...my point is: she could like the idea and you'd never know cause you never told her. Honestly, if I loved a guy, I don't think it would bother me.

 

[Somehowyou]

After she tells you a cute anecdote about her day at work say "That reminds me of another funny story" and then proceed to tell her that sometimes you like to suck cock.

 

[pcarp]

Oh really,

So, what, I have to fuck a guy to make sure I am more legit about my bisexuality. If that is correct, well, sorry to say, but I think you are a damned idiot.

Where exactly did I say that? Does illiteracy run in your family or what? I guess when intelligence fails, you just resort to name calling?

 

[Missouribiguy]

Where exactly did I say that? Does illiteracy run in your family or what? I guess when intelligence fails, you just resort to name calling?

That was the basis of your argument, which was that why should I tell her if I haven't done anything. I was pointing out that, according to you, I need to sleep with a man to make it true or something to that effect.

However, the above statement proves that you are a rather arrogant person. It's one thing for me to call you a idiot, but suggesting me and my family are illiterate or I'm not smart just proves to me how much of a prick you are.

 

[pcarp]

That was the basis of your argument, which was that why should I tell her if I haven't done anything. I was pointing out that, according to you, I need to sleep with a man to make it true or something to that effect.

However, the above statement proves that you are a rather arrogant person. It's one thing for me to call you a idiot, but suggesting me and my family are illiterate or I'm not smart just proves to me how much of a prick you are.

Your incorrect interpretation of my post led you to call me names and you call me a prick? Wow, that is priceless, but I would never want a little sissy upset so if it makes you feel better I apologize. Oh btw, it should be "my family and I are illiterate"....

 

[klippert]

honey I'm bi.....Yes I like to have sex with men.....and woman

 

[Missouribiguy]

Your incorrect interpretation of my post led you to call me names and you call me a prick? Wow, that is priceless, but I would never want a little sissy upset so if it makes you feel better I apologize. Oh btw, it should be "my family and I are illiterate"....

You know, years ago, I would've accept a apology. But, you know what, I am no longer the forgiving type. Especially after you called me a sissy. Also, I didn't misunderstand anything, but you are clearly misunderstanding me. You definately have some weird tunnel vision type of thing going on, that's for sure.

Now, I do admit calling you a idiot was a bit underhanded, but the points that you have made are pretty much a bunch of bullshit, and a tad moronic. I mean, liking Asian girls or robbing banks are two different things than a guy telling his girlfriend he attracted to her as well as other men. My response was clear enough, that maybe I should sleep with a man so then I will be able to be more honest to her about it.

I mean, does it really matter if I fuck a guy or not to tell my girlfriend I am bisexual?

Maybe idiot was a underhanded, and I admit it. But, I still think calling you a prick was spot on and earnest. You insulted my family and my intellect. What do you think I was going to do, just stand there and take it. And look, you are still doing it after your half-assed apology.

You know, maybe I should ignore you if you continue this. I wanted to make this thread a good place is discussed this topic, not a flame war between me and you.

So, get over yourself.

 

[softbuzz]

OK, Let's assume you meet the love of your life and decide to be "honest". You tell her you are bi, and she is so disgusted that she throws up in your lap and leaves, saying she never wants to see you again.
You've lost the love of your life.

Weeks later your as horny as hell and decide to go to a gay bar. You pick up the most beautiful guy in the place and after a couple of drinks take him home and head for the bedroom. He slides his mouth down the length of your cock or you do his and either way you are so revolted by the feeling of a man touching you that you throw up.

I would suggest that having a bi fantasy is not the same as being bi, and you owe it to yourself to find out the truth. Try being bi before you call yourself bi. Who knows, maybe a couple of years into a long and happy marriage you and her will have a little honesty session, and she will tell you that once in college she ate another girls pussy, and you'll be able to reply," yeh, once I tried to sucked a mans cock but it was revolting".

 

[silverwhisper]

spam reported.

 

[silverwhisper]

biguy, i think that there's a difference between having bi desires and being bi. it would seem to me however that just maybe the conversation that you have should be couched in terms of "i think i may also be attracted to men".

making the statement that you're bi might make her think that you've had an experience that hasn't actually occurred.

all of this seems kinda premature though. maybe you should focus on exploring all of your attractions and seeing what develops. i mean, you appear to be stressing about a hypothetical conversation with an as-yet hypothetical SO.

let the reality and the relationship be your guide, i say. who knows, maybe you'll find yourself in a relationship that incorporates a third person?

ed

 

[Missouribiguy]

OK, Let's assume you meet the love of your life and decide to be "honest". You tell her you are bi, and she is so disgusted that she throws up in your lap and leaves, saying she never wants to see you again.
You've lost the love of your life.

Weeks later your as horny as hell and decide to go to a gay bar. You pick up the most beautiful guy in the place and after a couple of drinks take him home and head for the bedroom. He slides his mouth down the length of your cock or you do his and either way you are so revolted by the feeling of a man touching you that you throw up.

I would suggest that having a bi fantasy is not the same as being bi, and you owe it to yourself to find out the truth. Try being bi before you call yourself bi. Who knows, maybe a couple of years into a long and happy marriage you and her will have a little honesty session, and she will tell you that once in college she ate another girls pussy, and you'll be able to reply," yeh, once I tried to sucked a mans cock but it was revolting".

Oh great, another one of these "you aren't really bisexual because you are a virgin" message. Let me stress this a bit, I consider myself bisexual because I am attracted to both sexes, not because I have slept with both of them.

With that said, your scenerio could be true. Hell, I might go a step further and say that I eat a girl's pussy and find it revolting. But, the truth of a matter is that, while it is technically a fantasty, I don't consider myself repulse looking at a man's body. In fact, even with chubby guys, there is a sense of beauty to the male form. The same can be said about a woman's body.


Again, however, the scenerios you have mention, without the vomitting, has occur in my mind. But, at the end of the day, I want to try, and probably will enjoy, sucking a man's cock or eating a girl's pussy. I mean, shit, I want to kiss and touch a guy already.

 

[Missouribiguy]

biguy, i think that there's a difference between having bi desires and being bi. it would seem to me however that just maybe the conversation that you have should be couched in terms of "i think i may also be attracted to men".

making the statement that you're bi might make her think that you've had an experience that hasn't actually occurred.

all of this seems kinda premature though. maybe you should focus on exploring all of your attractions and seeing what develops. i mean, you appear to be stressing about a hypothetical conversation with an as-yet hypothetical SO.

let the reality and the relationship be your guide, i say. who knows, maybe you'll find yourself in a relationship that incorporates a third person?

ed

I'm not stressing about anything really. Hell, with the rate of my social development, I probably be dead long before I even have sex with anybody. But, I still like to get a second opinion on many things.


However, let's put things in a bit of perspection. I don't consider myself bi-curious or straight, but curious. Personally, I think that is a load of shit! The defination of bisexuality is a romantic or sexual attraction or behavior towards men and women. Within that defination, I am technically bisexual, because I am attracted in both men and women. No where does the statement on Wikipedia says that I have fuck a guy or girl to make sure, because I know that I am attracted to both.

And, as for the getting nervous/sick thing that softbuzz brought up, I view it this way, you are going to be nervous either way.

 

[Bbb13]

I tried to tell her, didn't go well

 

[pcarp]

No where does the statement on Wikipedia says that I have fuck a guy or girl to make sure, because I know that I am attracted to both.

And we all know that every thing on Wikipedia is 100% correct. Well I guess you have the answers to the origin of all life if you have read Wikipedia. Why waste your time asking questions on this forum?

i mean, you appear to be stressing about a hypothetical conversation with an as-yet hypothetical SO.

LOL Good point Ed.

I tried to tell her, didn't go well

Nuff said. But you go for it MoBiGuy. WHEN you find a girlfriend, you be up front and honest with her as soon as you feel that emotional attraction. And WHEN you have that conversation, you come back here and tell us how fast she stopped taking your calls. There are a lot of more important things to share than the fact that you have fantasies about things you haven't and may never do, but what do we know?

Now, my last question for this thread: If you don't want to at least listen to the answers you get in this thread, then why did you bother to ask? Sounds to me that you got all pumped up with yourself and wanted to show the world what a great person you are (or at least think you are). You weren't prepared to learn that some people think you are not only wrong but bordering idiotic in your thinking. Peace to you and your imaginary girlfriends and boyfriends.

 

[silverwhisper]

look, biguy: ultimately, if you wind up in a relationship with someone, i fully agree with you that disclosure is important. however, as you think about such things, consider that it may be a boyfriend to whom you'll have to disclose this. :>

while pcarp is nominally right that wikis aren't 100% factual, the broader point that you're making makes sense to me.

[shrug]

ed