How persuasive may a sub be while dating?

[sweetgirl666]

So, I met this incredible, wonderful guy on Alt. He is about as perfect as a guy can get. I did have a master before, but it was a purely sexual affair, we met, had our session, maybe grabbed some food if we gotten hungry and that was it. Well, with this guy it would be more a relationship type thing. He is a very experienced dom, and I do have this verified by someone (he is active in our local BDSM scene).

Anyway, here is my problem. He answered my profile. We have talked on the phone, emailed and met several times. All were innocent dates, we did fun stuff, had an incredible time. I did not get more than a peek on the cheek so far. He has an incredible busy job and I do know he would not take the time to walk my dog with me for 3 hours if he didnt like me (in the rain nonetheless!). But I get not more than incredible politeness out of him. My friend (whom I told about the guy,not the bdsm aspect) said he is just polite and I should be glad that I found a great guy, and I should just flirt a bit more. Well, I am a dominant person in real life (my submission is for me in play) and I not want to come over as topping from below/whatever.

So, how are the rules in the BDSM world? Any different than in the vanilla world? Do I just simply wait it out? Is it ok even with a Dom to flirt and tell him clearly that you want him? Heck, last time we met I nearly jumped on him and ravaged him!

 

[Kajira Callista]

Why not?

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Have you tried talking to him?

 

[sweetgirl666]

Have you tried talking to him?

I did, two days ago when we chatted I basically asked if we meet the next day as just friends, or if we are more than friends, cause if then I would have to shave my legs (we did something outdoorsy with extremly casual clothing). Anyway, he told me to just relax and wait and see. Now, he did have a bad cold and was not feeling too well, but again, I was treated like a good friend but not more. Dont get me wrong, this guy is so great, I would not mind having him only as a friend, but I have a crush on him worse than anything I had since going through my teenage years!

 

[chris9]

Personally I don't see asking him about it, or telling him you have a crush on him as topping from the bottom. It's rather necessary communication at the beginning of a relationship. I'd like to know early on if my feelings get a return, because if they don't I can cope with it without totally falling in love and thus keeping him as a friend.

 

[NemoAlia]

Of course, my grandmother would tell you never ever ever to let on that you like a guy more than he's shown he likes you. It's tipping your hand, regardless of preferred kink.

Not that I always follow her advice, or anything...

 

[SpectreT]

Of course, my grandmother would tell you never ever ever to let on that you like a guy more than he's shown he likes you. It's tipping your hand, regardless of preferred kink.

Not that I always follow her advice, or anything...

Problem with that is, shy guys who really like you will never show how they feel, and guys who aren't either super-secure or made of stone aren't going to "tip their hand" either. Point is, somebody's got to communicate. I think the womens' movement is far enough along here in the US that a woman, even a submissive woman, can take the lead in this little dance. Guys, at least from my generation, have all complained about being unable to figure out the line between "confident" and "asshole". Some of us err on the side of extreme caution when confused about that line.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I dunno, this has shades of a recent thread here about a similar case of not going anywhere fast or even slow. My thoughts would be, if he responded to your profile, he knows what you want and are looking for and if he is such an experienced Dom looking for a similar thing, and yet after several dates nothing has moved, no romance, no sessions, no anything, I would be moving on. There comes a point where if the other person has not shown any sign of attraction or interest in you beyond friendship perhaps it is time to look for someone more prepared to move in the same direction you are wanting to.

Of course the longer he strings you along and you willingly follow, the more under his spell you could become which might be his intention, but then I would suggest perhaps if he needs to use such means to captivate you he may not be as an experienced or trustworthy a Dom as you have been lead to believe. I just don´t go for these sort of mind games and I did learn while I was looking that the ones who string you along are usually the ones who aren´t really interested but want to keep you available for their use if nothing better comes along. Don´t allow yourself to be used in the name of submission.

Catalina

 

[sweetgirl666]

Catalina and everyone, thanks for your messages. I also was raised with that "dont come on too strong" notion. He himself is as secure in his person as one can be. I think I will give him the weekend (where I am gone) and then next week when he is cured out and up to speed and see what comes from his side.
We only met three times so far, in public, doing stuff. I am not looking for a pure Dom, more for a partner that is my Dom in the sexual part of our relationship, but an equal partner the rest of the time. And considering normal dates he is just perfect. So I will give him some time to see if he gets going (and to be fair, he really had a bad cold, he barely could look out of his eyes yesterday and still sounded like a broken banjo when speaking)

Thanks everyone!

 

[CutieMouse]

My question is, why should you need to be any less or more than who and what you are, and why do the labels of Dominant/submissive change how you get to know one another?

Are you normally flirtatious? Are you more the quiet type? Are you cool with slowly building a relationship based on friendship and mutual interests, or do you need things to be stepped up a bit? Would you normally be intimate by this point in a relationship? If you'd met this guy on any other dating site, or at a museum opening, would you think twice about having a discussion with him regarding where things are going?

 

[Vessira]

This also may just be his way of gauging just how serious you are. Stick with it. My guess is he's not the type to rush into anything unless he's sure he can commit to it and he probably wants to be sure it has a chance of lasting if you two start something.

 

[chris9]

What Spectre said makes a lot of sense. He (presumably) knows you are not very very experienced. And if looking for a long-time partnership, three dates really isn't so much before taking it to the bedroom.
We had a thread once about how dominants keep safe (mostly from not being accused by the 'submissive' and getting arrested the next day), and most here said they try to get to know the submissive in question as well as possible and then just hope that she won't run to the police screaming rape the next day. So maybe that's what he's doing, getting to know you, seeing if he wants to trust you.

 

[Never]

sweetgirl666:
"So, how are the rules in the BDSM world? Any different than in the vanilla world? Do I just simply wait it out? Is it ok even with a Dom to flirt and tell him clearly that you want him?"

I see no harm in it. Then again, I'm not him.

 

[agibean]

I think you have your own answer

We only met three times so far, in public, doing stuff... (and to be fair, he really had a bad cold, he barely could look out of his eyes yesterday and still sounded like a broken banjo when speaking)
Thanks everyone!

You've met three times, and one of those he felt terrible. That's hardly enough time or interaction for most people to get a gauge of how they are going to mesh with each other, even without the cold. I'll echo what some others have said: Talk to him. Tell him what you're all about, beyond what;s in your profile. Ask him if he see you two doing some of those things you want, and see what he says.

I think this is the 3rd or 4th time on this board alone I've mentioned my Husband and how we met. He was very polite, TOO polite, in my experience, and I was sure he wasn't going to be able to give me what I needed to satisfy my BDSM side. I was wrong. I talked to him during a vanilla date and the rest is history...we celebrated 7 kinky years of marriage a month ago.

Who knows why this guy is taking it slow-if you can call 3 dates slow? But give him a chance-this is the real world after all, and talking to someone you've just met isn't considered my most people a violation of some arbitrary BDSM rule.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Anyway, he told me to just relax and wait and see.

So there's your answer.

 

[Netzach]

I think the best advice thus far is Cutie Mouse's - whatever you would normally do or expect is most appropriate. If it's going to be frustrating to you to be with someone who would NOT have let you know more overtly by now that he likes you, it's going to frustrate you to be with this dude, right?

 

[JMohegan]

Guys, at least from my generation, have all complained about being unable to figure out the line between "confident" and "asshole". Some of us err on the side of extreme caution when confused about that line.

Many guys in my generation have complained about that, too.

But no matter where you draw your line, there will always be people who have a negative reaction to what you do. Too wimpy, too cocky, too self-effacing, too bold. Etc.

Screw caution. Pick a line that makes you comfortable, enjoy the company of those who appreciate your behavior, and ignore everyone else.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Who knows why this guy is taking it slow-if you can call 3 dates slow?

The reason I question the progress is because presumably he answered a BDSM type profile and yet there has been no sign of any BDSM at all, even in discussion. I certainly have not inferred they should be having sex at this stage, but IME when I was looking, the BDSM aspects were always discussed from the very beginning, not just casual walks with the dog and a peck on the cheek goodbye.

Catalina

 

[the captians wench]

I kinda see where you're comming from. He sounds absolutely wonderful, and personally I'd say just do what feels natural to you and fuck any "rules" people tell you. But when my Master and I first hooked up ( and still some now infact, tho we are a ldr so it's a bit different) he frusterated me to no end because every time we chatted or talked on the phone he would always say "it's been a pleasure chatting at you darling, and I hope to do so again real soon". I would just think "how could he be so formal with me? I thought I ment more than that?" All of this after I had submitted to him. For us, it's a cultural thing, and from time to time he still says something simular to that, but for the most part he's informal with me and then I miss the little formallities. *giggles*. My mom gave me great advice tho, "just relax and enjoy it sweetie", and I did, and do. Of course as I said we are a bit different, but I do relate on some levels. Have fun, enjoy, and just do what feels right to you.

 

[driadnymph]

If it has only been a few meetings/dates that you have been on; perhaps, he is allowing the two of you to see if there is any attraction. Especially if he is looking for a relationship with you and not just d/s encounters. If you want to find out what his intentions are, just ask him. When you're on a reg. style of date, you should be able to say whatever you want. There are no "roles" happening then, so speak your mind.
Cheers,
Driad

 

[Aeroil]

I kinda see where you're comming from. He sounds absolutely wonderful, and personally I'd say just do what feels natural to you and fuck any "rules" people tell you. But when my Master and I first hooked up ( and still some now infact, tho we are a ldr so it's a bit different) he frusterated me to no end because every time we chatted or talked on the phone he would always say "it's been a pleasure chatting at you darling, and I hope to do so again real soon". I would just think "how could he be so formal with me? I thought I ment more than that?" All of this after I had submitted to him. For us, it's a cultural thing, and from time to time he still says something simular to that, but for the most part he's informal with me and then I miss the little formallities. *giggles*. My mom gave me great advice tho, "just relax and enjoy it sweetie", and I did, and do. Of course as I said we are a bit different, but I do relate on some levels. Have fun, enjoy, and just do what feels right to you.

I tend to be formal a lot of the time, I just consider it polite...
"it's been a pleasure chatting at you darling, and I hope to do so again real soon" strikes me as pretty casual anyway

 

[FurryFury]

As persuasive as she likes to be. If the date can handle it fine. If not, it wasn't the right date, move on.

That's my take and I'm sticking to it.

Fury

 

[the captians wench]

I tend to be formal a lot of the time, I just consider it polite...
"it's been a pleasure chatting at you darling, and I hope to do so again real soon" strikes me as pretty casual anyway

It's just different from what I'm used to. I don't think he sees it as being formal either, but it just didn't strike me as something you would say to some one you were in an intimate relationship with. Hell, in my family good night is a formal fraze. You're more likely to get a "see ya" or something like that.

But it did seem formal to me, and that's exactly my point. What one person sees as being stand offish, another may see as just taking things slow, if you know what I mean. It's all a matter of perspective. Some people still see holding a door for a lady as polite, and a show of respect, while other's say it's just another way for men try to establish the dominate role (not that I mind either thing, but some do).

 

[catalina_francisco]

OK, bring him in here right now!!....we need to get to the bottom of this dilemma by questioning him thoroughly as to his intended intentions!!

Catalina

 

[shy slave]

OK, bring him in here right now!!....we need to get to the bottom of this dilemma by questioning him thoroughly as to his intended intentions!!

Catalina

ROFL
Thanks Cat that has set my day up on a laugh